Hello everyone, sorry that this is so long. I need a second (and maybe 3rd or 4th) opinion on the situation.
We've been together with my parner for 7 years, we married last year. In past 6 months or so he's been developing some very unhealthy coping skills, he started drinkink a lot, gambling a bit. He's been very stressed out because of work so I kinda overlooked it all as something he may indulge for a little while and sure he'll get better soon when the work stuff becomes better. I see now that me dismissing it was a huge error because spelled out like that, the situation clearly screams DEPRESSION and he's in urgent need of therapy.
Last week he came to me with confession that he's been developing feelings for his co-worker (for last 2-3 months) and asked if I'd allow him to take things further, presumably him starting to date her/have sex with her. We did discuss the option of becoming poly if either of us met someone interesting, so it wasn't totally out of the blue. However, I freaked out.
It stinks because for past 2 months he kept dropping hints that if I want to, I should find a girl to date (a desire I expressed a few years ago). It seems like he's been manipulating me, so that he could come in with his new GF with no guilt because I am allowed to do the same. It doesn't seem like an entirely honest approach.
Also, it stinks because he's been self-destructive for a while, doing all the wrong things to not deal with his depression and general boredom with shittiness of everyday life. It seems very much like mid-life crisis to me (although he's 27) and new GF looks like just another bad coping mechanism, rather than genuine love interest.
He told me that I have to decide how we proceed. That I can say no to the whole thing and he'll never talk to her again, that it's just a suggestion. It's nice to have a say in this since poly was a thing we just discussed in theory and nothing we had any clear "deal" about. I don't feel comfortable making this decision. Either I will make him miserable by forbidding him to take things further with her, or I will make myself miserable by allowing him to do something that doesn't look like a great idea, considering his current mental state.
On the other hand, I am afraid that I may be skewing the situation a little bit so that I could say no to his request. Because despite being open minded and having previous experience with poly relationship (he has none and knows very little about it even in theory), I am also somewhat insecure. So I have a general "not now" attitude towards his request because it doesn't seem like a healthy thing to do, since it looks like just another way to escape reality. But at the same time I'm not sure how much of that attitude stems from my fears of abandonment.
I feel like there is no right way to resolve this situation.
I'd appreciate any feedback and opinions, please, and feel free to call me out.
We've been together with my parner for 7 years, we married last year. In past 6 months or so he's been developing some very unhealthy coping skills, he started drinkink a lot, gambling a bit. He's been very stressed out because of work so I kinda overlooked it all as something he may indulge for a little while and sure he'll get better soon when the work stuff becomes better. I see now that me dismissing it was a huge error because spelled out like that, the situation clearly screams DEPRESSION and he's in urgent need of therapy.
Last week he came to me with confession that he's been developing feelings for his co-worker (for last 2-3 months) and asked if I'd allow him to take things further, presumably him starting to date her/have sex with her. We did discuss the option of becoming poly if either of us met someone interesting, so it wasn't totally out of the blue. However, I freaked out.
It stinks because for past 2 months he kept dropping hints that if I want to, I should find a girl to date (a desire I expressed a few years ago). It seems like he's been manipulating me, so that he could come in with his new GF with no guilt because I am allowed to do the same. It doesn't seem like an entirely honest approach.
Also, it stinks because he's been self-destructive for a while, doing all the wrong things to not deal with his depression and general boredom with shittiness of everyday life. It seems very much like mid-life crisis to me (although he's 27) and new GF looks like just another bad coping mechanism, rather than genuine love interest.
He told me that I have to decide how we proceed. That I can say no to the whole thing and he'll never talk to her again, that it's just a suggestion. It's nice to have a say in this since poly was a thing we just discussed in theory and nothing we had any clear "deal" about. I don't feel comfortable making this decision. Either I will make him miserable by forbidding him to take things further with her, or I will make myself miserable by allowing him to do something that doesn't look like a great idea, considering his current mental state.
On the other hand, I am afraid that I may be skewing the situation a little bit so that I could say no to his request. Because despite being open minded and having previous experience with poly relationship (he has none and knows very little about it even in theory), I am also somewhat insecure. So I have a general "not now" attitude towards his request because it doesn't seem like a healthy thing to do, since it looks like just another way to escape reality. But at the same time I'm not sure how much of that attitude stems from my fears of abandonment.
I feel like there is no right way to resolve this situation.
I'd appreciate any feedback and opinions, please, and feel free to call me out.