Hi everyone. I'm still quite new to this forum and have only posted once before (in the 'introductions' section), although I've done a fair bit of lurking.
I'd be very grateful for some advice from more experienced poly people on the following...
P (31M, partner of 10 years) and I (30F) have recently decided to have some relationship counselling. The purpose of the counselling is to address a few long-term issues in our relationship, namely:
- The fact that I want more attention from P than he feels able to give
- The fact that (I feel) P is consistently negative about decisions I make
- How we deal with minor disagreements
- Our sex life, which isn't non-existent but isn't what it once was
We don't feel these are deal-breakers for our relationship (which overall is very good, loving and trusting) but we agree they are areas that need work, and discussing them extensively between ourselves doesn't seem to have resolved them. We are in a position to pay for external help so we have decided to give it a try.
Now, I don't feel that the issues P and I are seeking counselling for are much to do with my relationship with R (37M, partner of one year), who also lives with us. Naturally R's presence will influence the dynamic of our household and my relationship with P, but the issues between P and me existed before I began a relationship with R and I don't even think he is much aware of them. (We have told R that we are getting relationship counselling for some issues between us, and we have all jointly agreed that R will stay out of it unless an issue comes up that he can help with, since he has to live with both of us and doesn't want to take sides.)
Another thing that came up during our initial consultation with our counsellor yesterday, but which I don't feel has much of a bearing on the issues between P and me, is P's six-month relationship with C (30F), which ended in February this year. Again I'm sure it has influenced some things and there may be separate issues around that, but again, the issues between P and me that I mentioned above pre-date P's relationship with C. (My general view is that there will be issues surrounding all current and previous relationships, but if we sought to address them ALL during counselling, we would be there forever and paying a lot of money!)
As I said above, we had our initial consultation yesterday, and it is my impression (though to be fair, I didn't ask) that the counsellor we have been given is unfamiliar with poly relationships. My relationship with R came up when she asked (during her initial "To start with I'll ask the questions and you answer them" phase) if I'd ever lived with another partner. My reply was along the lines of "Yes, I have another boyfriend, R, and he lives with us." She did a visible double-take and said something like "So is this a - poly-a-mor-ous [she mispronounced the word] - set-up?" I think she then made a concerted effort not to look flustered and to get to know our circumstances.
After P and I had explained some of the issues we want to address, she returned to the fact of R living with us. Around that time, P's relationship with C came up. The counsellor asked if P had loved C and he said that he did. P then explained that, although his breakup with C in February was emotionally difficult and upsetting at the time, he now feels that he is "over it" (this may sound simplistic but honestly, in my experience of P, he does rule a line under things pretty quickly - he has a very functionalist attitude to life). Our counsellor didn't seem to want to accept this, insisting that he is "in mourning" for a "bereavement" that is "still raw". I certainly wouldn't suggest that relationships are quick or easy to move on from, or that there are no lasting effects of P's relationship with C, but surely she has to believe him when he tells her how he feels?
Anyway, by this time we'd outlined the issues that led us to seek counselling and we were running out of time (consultation was one hour). Our counsellor then said "It seems like you're all playing havoc with each other's emotions. You've got a huge amount of issues going on, battened down by 'this is how we are' and 'he's OK with this' and 'she's OK with that'." She also practically accused me of wanting P to be "someone he's never been".
I fully accept and appreciate that the lady who counselled us will have professional training and will have had reasons for all the questions she asked. However, I can't help feeling that maybe she is out of her depth. Before our first session P and I agreed that we wouldn't pursue counselling with anybody who tried to pin all our problems on the fact that we are poly (this was my biggest fear). In fact, I genuinely feel that my relationship with R has helped with some things, and P voluntarily said that he "likes having R around" and "having R around takes the pressure off sometimes". (Just to clarify, I have had endless discussion with P to make sure that he isn't just tolerating R's presence because it makes certain practical things easier; he assures me that isn't the case, P and R are close friends and share many interests that neither of them shares with me. They were friends before R and I began a romantic relationship.)
I'm new to the process of finding a counsellor but a Google search suggests that there are counsellors with experience of poly relationships near us. As things stand, P and I have individual sessions with the same lady booked next week and the week after, but I'm wondering if we should cancel these and try someone who won't be judgemental of our set-up? Or maybe give the individual sessions a try but be open to the possibility of looking elsewhere if we still have concerns? After all, we're paying a lot for the sessions and would like them to focus on what we want to work on, although of course we are happy to discuss anything that could be relevant. (R is also happy to come to the sessions if his contribution would be useful.)
Sorry for mammoth post, any words of wisdom would be very valuable!
Thank you for reading.
I'd be very grateful for some advice from more experienced poly people on the following...
P (31M, partner of 10 years) and I (30F) have recently decided to have some relationship counselling. The purpose of the counselling is to address a few long-term issues in our relationship, namely:
- The fact that I want more attention from P than he feels able to give
- The fact that (I feel) P is consistently negative about decisions I make
- How we deal with minor disagreements
- Our sex life, which isn't non-existent but isn't what it once was
We don't feel these are deal-breakers for our relationship (which overall is very good, loving and trusting) but we agree they are areas that need work, and discussing them extensively between ourselves doesn't seem to have resolved them. We are in a position to pay for external help so we have decided to give it a try.
Now, I don't feel that the issues P and I are seeking counselling for are much to do with my relationship with R (37M, partner of one year), who also lives with us. Naturally R's presence will influence the dynamic of our household and my relationship with P, but the issues between P and me existed before I began a relationship with R and I don't even think he is much aware of them. (We have told R that we are getting relationship counselling for some issues between us, and we have all jointly agreed that R will stay out of it unless an issue comes up that he can help with, since he has to live with both of us and doesn't want to take sides.)
Another thing that came up during our initial consultation with our counsellor yesterday, but which I don't feel has much of a bearing on the issues between P and me, is P's six-month relationship with C (30F), which ended in February this year. Again I'm sure it has influenced some things and there may be separate issues around that, but again, the issues between P and me that I mentioned above pre-date P's relationship with C. (My general view is that there will be issues surrounding all current and previous relationships, but if we sought to address them ALL during counselling, we would be there forever and paying a lot of money!)
As I said above, we had our initial consultation yesterday, and it is my impression (though to be fair, I didn't ask) that the counsellor we have been given is unfamiliar with poly relationships. My relationship with R came up when she asked (during her initial "To start with I'll ask the questions and you answer them" phase) if I'd ever lived with another partner. My reply was along the lines of "Yes, I have another boyfriend, R, and he lives with us." She did a visible double-take and said something like "So is this a - poly-a-mor-ous [she mispronounced the word] - set-up?" I think she then made a concerted effort not to look flustered and to get to know our circumstances.
After P and I had explained some of the issues we want to address, she returned to the fact of R living with us. Around that time, P's relationship with C came up. The counsellor asked if P had loved C and he said that he did. P then explained that, although his breakup with C in February was emotionally difficult and upsetting at the time, he now feels that he is "over it" (this may sound simplistic but honestly, in my experience of P, he does rule a line under things pretty quickly - he has a very functionalist attitude to life). Our counsellor didn't seem to want to accept this, insisting that he is "in mourning" for a "bereavement" that is "still raw". I certainly wouldn't suggest that relationships are quick or easy to move on from, or that there are no lasting effects of P's relationship with C, but surely she has to believe him when he tells her how he feels?
Anyway, by this time we'd outlined the issues that led us to seek counselling and we were running out of time (consultation was one hour). Our counsellor then said "It seems like you're all playing havoc with each other's emotions. You've got a huge amount of issues going on, battened down by 'this is how we are' and 'he's OK with this' and 'she's OK with that'." She also practically accused me of wanting P to be "someone he's never been".
I fully accept and appreciate that the lady who counselled us will have professional training and will have had reasons for all the questions she asked. However, I can't help feeling that maybe she is out of her depth. Before our first session P and I agreed that we wouldn't pursue counselling with anybody who tried to pin all our problems on the fact that we are poly (this was my biggest fear). In fact, I genuinely feel that my relationship with R has helped with some things, and P voluntarily said that he "likes having R around" and "having R around takes the pressure off sometimes". (Just to clarify, I have had endless discussion with P to make sure that he isn't just tolerating R's presence because it makes certain practical things easier; he assures me that isn't the case, P and R are close friends and share many interests that neither of them shares with me. They were friends before R and I began a romantic relationship.)
I'm new to the process of finding a counsellor but a Google search suggests that there are counsellors with experience of poly relationships near us. As things stand, P and I have individual sessions with the same lady booked next week and the week after, but I'm wondering if we should cancel these and try someone who won't be judgemental of our set-up? Or maybe give the individual sessions a try but be open to the possibility of looking elsewhere if we still have concerns? After all, we're paying a lot for the sessions and would like them to focus on what we want to work on, although of course we are happy to discuss anything that could be relevant. (R is also happy to come to the sessions if his contribution would be useful.)
Sorry for mammoth post, any words of wisdom would be very valuable!
Thank you for reading.