I'm going to call your partner "Orange" and the new lady "Yellow," like generic colors for names. If you want something else, I'll go with what you pick.
My partner is ready to move things into the bedroom. I have never been with a woman. I don’t feel ready.
If you are all dating, there is:
- You + Orange
- You + Yellow
- Orange + Yellow
Each dyad develops at its own pace.
If (Orange + Yellow) are ready to share sex, what's wrong with that?
If (You + Yellow) are not ready to share sex, and are going slower, what's wrong with that? It is not a race, contest, or competition.
If it's a whole triad model, I'm not sure why you and Orange would jump into a triad, where you're dating the same person. That is one of the HARDEST models to do. It might be better to poly-date SEPARATE people instead.
What is Yellow experienced in -- actual polyamory, or just group sex? It's really easy to do "one and done," like a single threesome encounter, and that's it. Creating a long-term relationship is another thing entirely.
We have had a discussion and they decided that they wanted to wait for me for all three of us to take this step. However, since this conversation my partner's and my sex life has decreased substantially.
Group sex is NOT a requirement in polyamory. It's a thing of its own. Some people want both poly and group sex. Some only want group sex and no poly. Some only want poly and no group sex.
What does the (You + Orange) relationship have to do with either of the other dyads, (You + Yellow) or (Orange + Yellow) developing?
Are you being pressured into sharing group sex that you don't even want to do? That's not okay.
When talking about it, my partner admitted that he fantasizes about her more often than me, and that’s why our sex life has decreased.
That is oversharing. And even if Orange is all caught up in NRE fantasies for the new shiny person, a hinge should attend to all relationships well.
(Orange + You) is a separate dyad than (Orange + Yellow.)
Are you in poly hell because Orange is hinging poorly?
https://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell
Ever since then when it’s the three of us. Whether it be us three cuddling or kissing, I don’t feel like I am wanted by my partner, I feel as though I am physically and literally in the way.
The stop participating in threesome sex or threesome make-out sessions. They don't feel good to you. REDUCE the stressful parts you can reduce. Your consent to do things or not belongs to YOU, so if you don't want to this threesome stuff, and one of them suggest threeway make-outs or sex, you could say, "No, thank you. I don't want to do that. I'm not up for threesome stuff anymore."
When my partner and I have talked about it, they have said that I am being insecure. Since then, they have been trying very hard to make me feel wanted, but I just don’t.
Group sex is a skill. Not everyone learns it well. I could be wrong, but it sounds like Orange is excited to try group sex and you are not. So rather than fight, you could STOP doing threesome things. You might still have feelings to deal with, but at least, when you opt out of new threesome stuff, you aren't piling on MORE new stressful things on yourself.
The reality is, in an open relationship, Orange could seek two other people who are willing to share group sex. Then Orange would be free TO pursue that interest as they want. And you'd be free FROM group sex you do not want.
Orange is in charge of their own body.
You are in charge of yours.
That is FAIR.
Orange is not ENTITLED to any kind of sex from you, either 1:1 or group sex.
You holding your personal boundary of being in charge of your own body may lead to subsequent conversations about whether or not you and Orange are still compatible.
There is NOTHING wrong with monogamy, if you prefer that. There is also NOTHING wrong with you wanting polyamory, but no group sex, or whatever it is YOU want. What do YOU actually want for your romantic relationship(s)? Like, really YOU you, and not like you just going along with whatever Orange wants?
What would you pick? If you would pick polyamory, then it may be that your style of doing poly is not compatible with Orange's style of doing poly. Just because two people are into monogamy doesn't make them automatically compatible for dating each other. There has to be more than just that. It's the same thing here. Just because two people are into polyamory doesn't make them automatically compatible for dating each other. There has to be more than just that. They might have totally different approaches/wants.
We both are very frustrated about this whole situation. Last night I ended up crying while cuddling, after feeling left out. My partner wants to talk about it tonight but I’m at a loss for words.
It takes me at least three days to clear the adrenaline dump after a stressful thing. I'm not going to be any good for big talks until I'm actually calm again. Otherwise I'm just going to trigger a new batch of emotional flooding and stay all cranked up. Do you know how long it takes you to actually come to a calmer place? If you aren't sure, give it AT LEAST a week. There's no emergency. These are important things to talk about, but nothing is on fire, right? You can take a week to come to calm.
I suggest you respond with something like:
"No, thank you. I'm not ready to talk about it tomorrow. It's too soon. I prefer we talk next week on Friday after work from 8-9 PM. We can order pizza, so dinner is solved, and we can make space to talk."
Adjust as needed for your actual work schedule. I suggest Friday after work, because then you have the weekend to recover from the stress of the conversation, and you don't have to go to work again the next morning.
Keep a list, because some conversations need to be taken in installments. With a list, you can note where you left off and pick it up again next time.
Maybe this helps you.
www.multiamory.com
When you get to the talk, be firm. "I'm going to pass on all future threesome make-outs or group sex things. I just don't like doing it."
Again, there may be other things to talk about and feelings to process. But you have to be able to say. "I love you a lot. But no, not even for you will I do stuff I don't really want, or stuff that hurts me. That is asking too much. I need to think about my own well-being."
Galagirl
