Advice, please

[Newtopolybutverysure]

Hello Everyone,

My partner and I have been poly for three years and have had great communication. We have dated separately and together. With that being said, none of the people we dated ended up being poly. They were exploring, so nothing really worked out in the sense of long-term partners.

Now we have moved in with a bestie and my partner has caught feelings. My partner tried talking to the bestie about the feelings. but the conversation really didn’t go anywhere. She left them with the thought that nothing could really ever happen, but it also could.

Now my feelings about all of this are, for the most part, very neutral. If my bestie did decide that she was interested in my partner that way, I would be thrilled. I love them both very dearly and do believe that we all have a strong enough foundation to communicate through any problems, should they arise.

My issue is I am feeling bad, for lack of a better term. For the past five years I have had stomach issues, and because of this I have gone to the ER about seven times, because I haven’t been able to keep food or water down for 72 hours. Throwing up isn’t something that is new to me, but it still isn’t pleasant. This is something that happens semi-often.

The times I have gone to my partner for comfort I have been mostly redirected to rest or drink, or they would always end up kinda distancing themselves from me, which has never been a problem. Throw-up can ick some people. That’s okay. Or I thought it was, until our bestie got sick and threw up, and my partner insisted on staying with her in the bathroom for about an hour. Bestie was okay and even asked my partner to let her chill, but still my partner insisted on staying and rubbing her back and just comforting her.

When I asked my partner about it the next day, they said, “Something about comforting someone throwing up made my feelings for them grow and it was just romantic.”

I can’t help but feel shitty about this. They have always made me feel like a burden when I was sick, but now, not only are they going out of their way to stay with her, when asked not to, but it’s romantic? I feel as though I’m crazy for feeling this way.

 

[Albert Ross]

I feel as though I’m crazy for feeling this way

Why do you suppose you feel crazy? What you described seems like an obvious and reasonable response.

1. You do a thing, your partner reacts poorly.
2. Someone else does the same thing, and your partner reacts well.

I can't readily imagine a human being that wouldn't feel shitty about that.

So, for starters: your feelings are valid.

 

[Newtopolybutverysure]

When I talked to my partner, they said that they thought I wanted space during these times. But I know when it happened in the past, they'd asked if they could help me, and I'd said, "You can’t help, but you can stay." To me, this seems like I asked for comfort. Now they are staying they didn’t see it that way, and have asked me to better communicate my needs. I’m not sure how to do that.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Newtopolybutverysure,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like your partner is giving your bestie preferential treatment. This could be because of NRE. Sometimes that tricks us into neglecting our original partner, and slathering all our attention on the new partner. I advise you to explain to your partner that this is what is happening, and that you expect to receive better treatment in the future, specifically when you are having stomach problems and throwing up.

I hope your partner will listen.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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[Bobbi]

When I talked to my partner, they said that they thought I wanted space during these times. But I know when it happened in the past, they'd asked if they could help me, and I'd said, "You can’t help, but you can stay." To me, this seems like I asked for comfort. Now they are staying they didn’t see it that way, and have asked me to better communicate my needs. I’m not sure how to do that.

The human brain tends to hear the direct answer. Your direct answer was "You can't help." What was said beyond that was NOT clear you WANTED your partner to stay. Telling them they can't help, but they can stay, is like saying you don't care if they stay or not since there's nothing they can do for you.

If you wanted comfort you could have said: "Comfort and support would mean the world to me. Pet me, get me a glass of water or a cool washcloth."

I understand why you feel the way you do, and how much that hurts, but if you want love and support you need to say YES, not no.