Advice talking to my Wife about being Poly

Z

zonkeyzonk

New member
Hi everyone,

I'm sure this topic is probably the most popular one there is, but everyone's situation is a little bit different and so I am posting my story.

I discovered I was poly about 8-9 years ago but it never really got off the ground (because my girlfriend at the time wasn't into it) and ended up as one of the factors that ended my last relationship.

When I met my next girlfriend/current wife, I told her I was into this. She told me she wasn't. I didn't know myself quite that well and decided that it was worth it to enter a monogamous relationship with her as I was so head over heels at the time in this new relationship.

Time has passed and as it goes on I become more and more certain that I should be polyamorous and live that kind of lifestyle. Right now it's reaching a breaking point where I feel like I'm just living a lifestyle that isn't attuned to my values. I guess the best way to put it is that I don't feel self actualized?

I feel guilt that I made these promises years ago, but also compassion for myself because people are allowed to change. I believe that people are allowed to say something and realize many many years later that what they said was either wrong, or has changed.

I need to bring it up to my wife and am looking for the most compassionate and thoughtful way to do so. Maybe I would be okay remaining monogamous as long as her and I are able to talk about it together, although I suspect that it would be very difficult for me. But my greatest fear is that I go another 5-10 years not living life the way that I feel it should be lived (for me).

I am 39 years old and have never once truly experienced what it would be like to live life as I feel it should be lived, and it's just killing me. Every night for the past two weeks I go to bed thinking of this and how much I ache for this lifestyle.

I love my wife and we have a great relationship. I enjoy being around her, and I appreciate the love we share. She makes me smile every day. But at the same time, I'm not living the life that comes naturally to me.

I know the answer is probably an obvious one: That I need to have a serious talk to my wife. But I wanted to write this out anyway. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
 
What is it, in particular, that you want from "the lifestyle"?
There are lots of ways to 'be poly' and if we understood what it is you want maybe advice would be more helpful.

Evie
 
Hello zonkeyzonk,

It sounds like you need to tell your wife, something like, "Honey, I've been thinking a lot about polyamory, and I feel like I need to live polyamorously. Can we talk about that?" You can only sweeten it so much, and you don't want to patronize her by sweetening it too much or getting too wordy. If she says, "No, absolutely not, and I don't want to talk about it either, never bring it up again," then you will have a difficult decision to make. If you stay married in that case, then you'll have to give polyamory up completely. Also, I have a feeling that just being able to talk about it with her, will not be enough for you. But I guess the only way to find that out is to try it.

It is not wrong of you to want poly, and it is not wrong of your wife to not want poly. Mono/poly relationships do exist, but as a rule they are not easy, even when they are possible. You are basically telling your wife that you want a mono/poly relationship. Unless she decides that she wants poly too, which is unlikely. You need her to be okay with you living polyamorously, even if she doesn't want to live polyamorously herself. That's not an easy thing for her to do, and what's in it for her? I don't know. So be prepared to be turned down, no matter how much you sweeten it. Have a Plan B.

It's possible that what you're discovering is that you and she are not compatible. This shouldn't come to you as a complete surprise, you kind of knew it when you first got married. And maybe that was a good choice for back then, but that doesn't mean that staying married is the best choice now. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them go. You don't want to go through the rest of your life resenting your wife over something that neither you nor she can help. And what if she agrees to try it, but then later decides she can't stand it? That's a possibility and you should be prepared for it.

I sympathize with you as you have some hard discussions/choices on the road ahead.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think before you talk to your wife you need to be a lot more specific with yourself as to what you _want_ from poly. What is missing from your life? Why is poly the only thing that can fill that void? 2 weeks is not much time for self examination.
 
icesong said:
I think before you talk to your wife you need to be a lot more specific with yourself as to what you _want_ from poly. What is missing from your life? Why is poly the only thing that can fill that void? 2 weeks is not much time for self examination.
Click to expand...

Well said. My first thought was that someone who wants to make a major life change and pull his wife into this or possibly end his marriage because he thought about it every night for two weeks...has some growing up to do before making major life decisions. This is what I expect from my 12 year old...but I've wanted it every night for TWO. WHOLE. WEEKS!!!! You have to give it to me!!!!
 
To me, it appears some people are focusing (incorrectly) on the "two weeks" thing. I mean, if you simply want to (mis)judge the guy & damn him out-of-hand, at least do so straightforwardly, without needing to hang him with his own words.

User zonkeyzonk stated rather clearly that he felt the pull "8-9 years ago" (though not how he figured this out), & that not dealing with this undermined his previous (first?) marriage.

The topic was brought up at the outset of the subsequent relationship, & was summarily shot down before the marriage. Though clearly less than eight years, that seems to be MUCH more than "two weeks ago."

So, IMO, it appears ZZ undertook a contract, & has discovered that he actualy cannot tolerate... something. Maybe it's monogamy. Or maybe -- sorry, ZZ, but this needs to be considered -- he's tired of the marriage & is willing to use "my polyness" as a way to wing-walk out of the marriage into another eventually unsatisfying dyad.

Loving someone doesn't necessarily mean "being able to live with them day-after-day." You can care deeply for your spouse, yet accept if the relationship has hit an irreconcilable roadblock.

It's up to YOU to determine if "my polyness" is more important than "my marriage." if the split happens there, then it's up to you to present your case, fully & honestly. If it's a deal-breaker for her, then that's it. If she wants to know more about what it is that you actually are hoping for (as some people here already have), don't get your hopes up: that's less likely her talking herself into accepting it than her thoroughly examining the situation to confirm it's an impasse.

If the marriage ends, then accept that it might take you a few years to find a partner who can accept this facet of you.

And commit to NOT weaselling your way AGAIN into another monogamous relationship.
 
Hi Zonkeyzonk - and welcome to the Forum! You've received some good advice from differing perspectives already. A couple of more thoughts to for the discussion...

As has been pointed out, your wife may never want anything to do with poly. In which case, you may have to choose which is more important to you - a poly lifestyle or your marriage. In my case, my wife asked me to transition our marriage to poly (story is in signature link below). Ultimately, I agreed and we both now have other partners in our lives. Although - it was not the easiest transition for me to make. I do believe my wife did a lot of things right, however, in presenting her case - and I listed these things in the comments following my initial introduction. Here is the direct link:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=362157&postcount=23

Also - make sure you are aware that if she should eventually agree to a transition to poly, that she will most likely have a much time easier getting dates than you will. (Unless you have someone waiting). Many discussions here on this topic have reached a clear consensus that poly women have a much easier time getting dates than poly men (women think the poly men are lying, claiming to be poly so they can justify cheating on their wives. Conversely, men don't care if the women are poly - because.... they're men.).

Best of luck on your journey. Al
 
Perhaps I am just a person that moves at a slower pace in general, but I for one don't understand why something that one has known for 8-9 years suddenly becomes an emergency. That was why I pointed out what I did.
 
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