Advice/thoughts/hugs needed-- Possible to rebuild trust?

Mogwai23

New member
Hi Wonderful People,

I'm just coming on here to ask for a little advice and see if anyone has had similar experiences. I've asked about this in a few other places and spoken to a lot of friends. (I'm so thankful I have a great support network.) I'm just looking to see what people's thoughts are.

My nesting partner (32F) and I (36M) have been in a relationship for just over 6 years (open for 2 years). She has been dating another person (43M) for just over a year (meeting once or twice a week). We’ve had our ups and downs with poly/EMN, but seemed to be actually finding our way. I’m currently dating 4 people, but nothing long-term or serious yet (FWB situations at the moment). I *thought* our relationship was pretty stable, baring some fluctuations in her sex drive over the last 6 months or so.

I found out on Saturday that she has been breaking the one boundary have, which is having sex with a condom, since autumn. They never even discussed it with each other. Apparently it just happened without discussion, then, I guess, over and over again. When we spoke she was incredibly emotional and told me this guy makes her unhappy, and that’s what she wants at the moment (which breaks my heart). She is currently in a day clinic being treated for depression.

I’m feeling incredibly hurt that she did not tell me this. Although my monogamous friends have been great, all they do is see my pain. I do realize it may not be possible to build back trust. I have had a vasectomy, he has not, and she is not on contraception. She has moved in with her friend for the foreseeable future.

I don’t want to make any rash decisions, but it’s definitely not an easy one. We are planning on meeting Sunday. I would love to give her a chance, but I'm not sure how. I do feel it has to start with her ending the relationship with this guy, as I really can’t trust her with him, but hate the idea of an ultimatum. I'm feeling completely lost and really don’t think this issue can be fixed.

Any advice or support would be brilliant, especially where people have seen trust built back up from another partner. I'm not sure if I’m being stupid, wanting this to work. My thoughts are a bit all over the place. Journaling is hard.
 
I found out on Saturday that she has been breaking the one boundary that we have had, which is having sex with a condom
Since you haven't enforced this boundary, I assume it is a rule. Rules are easy to break and unenforceable. For the future, your boundary could be "I won't have unbarriered sex with you if you have unbarriered sex with others," then wear a condom yourself. She has proven she is not trustworthy, cannot talk about safer sex with others, and doesn't seem to be able to talk honestly with you either, since she has been doing this for months and never told you. If you choose to continue this relationship, I recommend using condoms with her from now on, getting STI tested and understanding that honesty is not a skill she has.
I have had a vasectomy, he has not, and she is not on contraception
So she is completely irresponsible, as well. I wouldn't stick around for that trainwreck to happen.
I really can’t trust her with him
It is not about him. You cannot trust her.
I hate the idea of an ultimatum.
An ultimatum will not fix her or your relationship. You need to decide if you can have a relationship without trust and with using condoms. This will apply whether she continues to see this particular guy or not, because she is not trustworthy.
 
Since you haven't enforced this boundary, I assume it is a rule. Rules are easy to break and unenforceable. For the future your boundary could be "I won't have unbarriered sex with you if you have unbarriered sex with others" then wear a condom.

She has proven she is not trustworthy, cannot talk about safer sex with others, and doesn't seem to be able to talk honestly with you either since she has been doing this for months and never told you.

If you choose to continue this relationship, I recommend using condoms with her from now on, getting STI tested and understanding that honesty is not a skill she has.

So she is completely irresponsible as well. I wouldn't stick around for that train wreck to happen.

It is not about him, you cannot trust her.

An ultimatum will not fix her or your relationship. You need to decide if you can have a relationship without trust and with condoms. This will apply whether she continues to see this particular guy or not because she is not trustworthy.
I definitely can not imagine us having sex with each other anytime soon, even if I do stick around. But if we do it most definitely will be protected.
I have an appointment for an STI check tomorrow.
 
Hello Mogwai23,

As bad as things are right now, there is hope that you'll learn to trust again -- that is as long as she doesn't let you down again. Sometimes these things take a long time. You need time to see that she is acting in a trustworthy way.

Hopefully you can heal from this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Good luck, and keep us posted.
 
Hi Wonderful People

Hi and welcome to the forum.

My nesting partner (32F) and I (36M) have been in a relationship for just over 6 years (open for 2 years). She has been dating another person (43M) for just over a year (meeting once or twice a week). We’ve had our ups and downs with poly/EMN, but seemed to be actually finding our way. I’m currently dating 4 people, but nothing long-term or serious yet (FWB situations at the moment). I *thought* our relationship was pretty stable, baring some fluctuations in her sex drive over the last 6 months or so.
Are you married to your nesting partner? Whose idea was it, or what prompted you to open the relationship? Did either of you have experience with poly or ENM before?

I found out on Saturday that she has been breaking the one boundary I have, which is having sex with a condom, since autumn. They never even discussed it with each other. Apparently it just happened without discussion, then, I guess, over and over again. When we spoke she was incredibly emotional and told me this guy makes her unhappy, and that’s what she wants at the moment (which breaks my heart). She is currently in a day clinic being treated for depression.
How did you find out on Saturday? Did something just slip out of a casual conversation on the price of condoms and inflation, or was she coming clean and making you aware?

I’m confused by the sentence, the guy makes her “unhappy,“ and that’s what she wants. Is that a typo or autocorrect error?

I’m feeling incredibly hurt that she did not tell me this. Although my monogamous friends have been great, all they do is see my pain. I do realize it may not be possible to build back trust. I have had a vasectomy, he has not, and she is not on contraception. She has moved in with her friend for the foreseeable future.
Were any kids in the picture prior to the vasectomy? To me, this doesn’t sound like a breach of trust issue (although there’s plenty of that) as much as she/they had a plan. This seems beyond reckless and stupid. It seems intentional to me.

I don’t want to make any rash decisions, but it’s definitely not an easy one. We are planning on meeting Sunday. I would love to give her a chance, but I'm not sure how. I do feel it has to start with her ending the relationship with this guy, as I really can’t trust her with him, but hate the idea of an ultimatum. I'm feeling completely lost and really don’t think this issue can be fixed.
What’s this other guy's history and story? Married or single? Any kids walking the earth? Wants to be Johnny Appleseed?


Any advice or support would be brilliant, especially where people have seen trust built back up from another partner. I'm not sure if I’m being stupid, wanting this to work. My thoughts are a bit all over the place. Journaling is hard.
I think the level to which you feel betrayed corresponds with how clear or how important this discussion was on the front end during the opening-up process. Take a look back on that conversation or conversations, and if it was treated in a casual perfunctory manner with a nod, then maybe communication failure happened on the front end and with counseling it could be worked through. That said, you never said she was apologetic or wanted to build trust back. You wanting to make things work is % or what needs to be done.
 
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