Unspellable
New member
Hello all,
I've been lurking a little bit, reading some posts, and trying to sort out something that I'm trying to come to terms with in my marriage.
First off, I am a happily married man, with a wonderful wife whom I love dearly. We are quickly approaching a decade of marriage, in which our marriage has survived and grown through long-distance, a war + being deployed, and numerous other tests. I point this out because I believe the two of us are in this for the long haul for as long as we wish it to be.
But, if everything was roses, why would I be posting here?
Here's the 'but': My wife has always been bi-curious, but has never felt the need to explore that beyond kissing in college. In fact, one talk we had early on was that she felt she would have entertained exploring that bi-curiousness prior to our marriage, but not afterwards. I, on the other hand, have always had an intellectual curiosity in alternative relationships (I read a _lot_ of Heinlein, for example) -- but given early self-esteem issues, this always remained an intellectual curiosity -- I never believed that any woman would want to be with me, so anything more than that is just sci-fi, right?
Fast forward several years.. my marriage is firmly established; I've grown considerably and have a lot more self-worth. My wife and I have never ventured outside our marriage for anything. Then, my wife calls me from a party she's attending and tells me she's _really_ interested in making out with a new friend of hers who is at the party with my wife. Long story considerably shortened, kissing happens, and my wife crashes on the friend's couch overnight.
I picked up my wife the next day, met the friend, and things seemed slightly awkward but manageable as we left. Here's where things actually leave the rails a bit: I expected we would talk about this.. but we didn't. Not initally. Not for a few weeks actually and never completely even then. In the meantime, my head was spinning with possibilities. She finally said she just wanted to tease me a bit and left it at that.
Skip a bit more up to the present: It's now been over a year since that occurred and I still haven't been able to talk this out completely with her. And through bits and pieces, I think I know why.
Where I was expecting this sort of awakening in her that we would work through together -- instead, she feels quite a bit of guilt about the whole thing. My initial talks and discussions in particular have her feeling guilty in that 'if she hadn't done this, I wouldn't have these feelings now'. That bothers me. I don't think it's a true statement, in that I've always thought about these things -- and since that time I've even found out that we know some poly people already. I can't help but think that once I met them, I would have started wondering even without the event at the party as a trigger.
I hope I explained this clearly. The succint situation is, My wife is bi-curious but appears to be mono. I'm apparently poly-curious, but don't know what to do with that knowledge, if anything.
I know we need to talk. I don't know when that will happen though; we've got several other stresses going on right now, so I'm not trying to push the issue.. but I also feel I haven't been 'pushing the issue' for a year and want to talk about this already. Do any of you, particularly from a married couple point of view, have some advice? I'd appreciate it.
I've been lurking a little bit, reading some posts, and trying to sort out something that I'm trying to come to terms with in my marriage.
First off, I am a happily married man, with a wonderful wife whom I love dearly. We are quickly approaching a decade of marriage, in which our marriage has survived and grown through long-distance, a war + being deployed, and numerous other tests. I point this out because I believe the two of us are in this for the long haul for as long as we wish it to be.
But, if everything was roses, why would I be posting here?
Here's the 'but': My wife has always been bi-curious, but has never felt the need to explore that beyond kissing in college. In fact, one talk we had early on was that she felt she would have entertained exploring that bi-curiousness prior to our marriage, but not afterwards. I, on the other hand, have always had an intellectual curiosity in alternative relationships (I read a _lot_ of Heinlein, for example) -- but given early self-esteem issues, this always remained an intellectual curiosity -- I never believed that any woman would want to be with me, so anything more than that is just sci-fi, right?Fast forward several years.. my marriage is firmly established; I've grown considerably and have a lot more self-worth. My wife and I have never ventured outside our marriage for anything. Then, my wife calls me from a party she's attending and tells me she's _really_ interested in making out with a new friend of hers who is at the party with my wife. Long story considerably shortened, kissing happens, and my wife crashes on the friend's couch overnight.
I picked up my wife the next day, met the friend, and things seemed slightly awkward but manageable as we left. Here's where things actually leave the rails a bit: I expected we would talk about this.. but we didn't. Not initally. Not for a few weeks actually and never completely even then. In the meantime, my head was spinning with possibilities. She finally said she just wanted to tease me a bit and left it at that.
Skip a bit more up to the present: It's now been over a year since that occurred and I still haven't been able to talk this out completely with her. And through bits and pieces, I think I know why.
Where I was expecting this sort of awakening in her that we would work through together -- instead, she feels quite a bit of guilt about the whole thing. My initial talks and discussions in particular have her feeling guilty in that 'if she hadn't done this, I wouldn't have these feelings now'. That bothers me. I don't think it's a true statement, in that I've always thought about these things -- and since that time I've even found out that we know some poly people already. I can't help but think that once I met them, I would have started wondering even without the event at the party as a trigger.
I hope I explained this clearly. The succint situation is, My wife is bi-curious but appears to be mono. I'm apparently poly-curious, but don't know what to do with that knowledge, if anything.
I know we need to talk. I don't know when that will happen though; we've got several other stresses going on right now, so I'm not trying to push the issue.. but I also feel I haven't been 'pushing the issue' for a year and want to talk about this already. Do any of you, particularly from a married couple point of view, have some advice? I'd appreciate it.
