Advice wanted

[Newtopolybutverysure]

My partner admitted after the fact that during sex last night they were really into it because they were able to stay “in the moment.” When I asked what they meant by that, they said that usually their brain drifts during sex and they find themselves thinking they were having sex with someone else, and not me. (Like, at all.)

Now, in the past, we have talked about threesomes and whatnot. However, finding out that they are fantasizing me as someone else many times has me feeling very used. Am I being dramatic? I feel like trying to ask them would make them feel guilty about this. I’m not sure how to approach the conversation.

 

[GalaGirl]

It's normal enough to fantasize or have your mind drift off during sex. There's a lot of brain chemistry going on when people share sex together. Intense sex can feel very trippy, almost like you are high, or something.

My partner admitted after the fact that during sex last night they were really into it because they were able to stay “in the moment.” When I asked what they meant by that, they said that usually their brain drifts during sex and they find themselves thinking they were having sex with someone else, and not me. (Like, at all.)

You two could talk about that a while later, after getting dressed, over coffee, when you feel prepared to talk about sex things.

If they brought it up literally after sex, when you were spacey yourself from the sex, naked, vulnerable, etc., that could be a buzzkill to hear about. Telling you they enjoyed it would have been fine right then, but telling you they sometimes fantasize about being with someone else is a buzzkill. It takes you right out of the rosy-glow space.

Maybe you could say this (or something similar): "Partner, while I'm glad you shared and were honest the other day, the timing was off. Could we agree to talk about sex fantasies fully dressed and NOT right after sex? And could we set a time to talk about sex fantasies? I do want to talk. I was just surprised and caught off guard."


Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Newtopolybutverysure,

It would be different if your partner fantasized once in a while, but usually? and not thinking about you at all? That's rather inconsiderate of your partner. I understand that you don't want them to feel guilty about this, but there has to be reasonable limits on how much they fantasize about other people.

I hope you can work this out with them.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.