Advice when a partner wants poly-mono

A

Arronax

New member
We’ve been together for 20 years and have had FFM threesomes before. She is bisexual and I am a straight male.

She recently decided that she wants to be poly with girls to explore her bisexuality alone.

I’m mostly okay with that, but she insists that I stay mono to her while she is free to date other people.

Is this a usual situation to be in? Does anyone have any advice?
 
Are double standards common? Throughout humanity, regardless of the context, the answer is usually yes. And this particular one is rather prevalent in polyamory, sadly. It's clearly not healthy though, as it's likely to lead to resentment.

It sounds like you both could do with exploring more poly perspectives - have you guys done much research?

My perspective is that if you're going to "do poly" then it really takes some significant deconstruction of ownership models of relationships and notions of relationships to fulfill needs (other than the need to live an authentic life as someone who loves multiple people.) But if she's claiming that you don't need another woman because you have her, that rather reduces everyone in this to just being their gender as if that's the most important thing about them.

Really, if you can both move beyond that and trust each other with the autonomy to date whomever else is desired then you'll be much more on your way to sustainable polyamory.
 
She recently decided that she wants to be poly with girls to explore her bisexuality alone.
Click to expand...

Well, you can't stop her if she wants to stop doing this and move on to doing poly.

But you don't have to keep on seeing her if you aren't up for poly yourself. You can break up with her and bow out. Because your consent to do things or not belongs to YOU.

I’m mostly okay with that, but she insists that I stay mono to her while she is free to date other people.
Click to expand...

If it were me? I wold say "Nope. I won't be doing that. I do not agree to stay mono to you while you are free to date others. It would have to be same on both sides."

Either it stays closed on both sides and you continue with the monogamish thing you are doing already. Like mostly monogamous with the occasional threesome.

Or it becomes open on both sides where you each can have the option to date other people you find attractive of ANY gender.

Then each person gets to choose when they feel like exercising that option or not. And it isn't like you don't get the option at all.

And you date them separately. Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. It's a thing of its own.

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Evie said:
Are double standards common? Throughout humanity, regardless of the context, the answer is usually yes. And this particular one is rather prevalent in polyamory, sadly. It's clearly not healthy though, as it's likely to lead to resentment.

It sounds like you both could do with exploring more poly perspectives - have you guys done much research?

My perspective is that if you're going to "do poly" then it really takes some significant deconstruction of ownership models of relationships and notions of relationships to fulfill needs (other than the need to live an authentic life as someone who loves multiple people.) But if she's claiming that you don't need another woman because you have her, that rather reduces everyone in this to just being their gender as if that's the most important thing about them.

Really, if you can both move beyond that and trust each other with the autonomy to date whomever else is desired then you'll be much more on your way to sustainable polyamory.
Click to expand...
Thanks very much, I appreciate your comments.
 
GalaGirl said:
Well, you can't stop her if she wants to stop doing this and move on to doing poly.

But you don't have to keep on seeing her if you aren't up for poly yourself. You can break up with her and bow out. Because your consent to do things or not belongs to YOU.



If it were me? I wold say "Nope. I won't be doing that. I do not agree to stay mono to you while you are free to date others. It would have to be same on both sides."

Either it stays closed on both sides and you continue with the monogamish thing you are doing already. Like mostly monogamous with the occasional threesome.

Or it becomes open on both sides where you each can have the option to date other people you find attractive of ANY gender.

Then each person gets to choose when they feel like exercising that option or not. And it isn't like you don't get the option at all.

And you date them separately. Group sex is not a requirement in polyamory. It's a thing of its own.

Galagirl
Click to expand...
Thanks for your reply. I appreciate you taking the time to leave your comments.
 
'Normal' is a funny word. I believe in designing the relationship that works best for the people involved. Do YOU want such an arrangement? That's the real question here. If the answer is yes, then it doesn't matter what others think. I wouldn't do it, personally. It sounds one-sided for no clear reason (insecurity from your partner maybe?). But maybe that doesn't bother you.

It's certainly possible for one person to be poly and the other not, with the consent of all involved. In fact, when my wife and I opend up our marriage, I didn't act on it for years, while she did. But I DID have the option. I just didn't do it. I would not have agreed to a one-sided openness, out of principle. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't. Whether you should or not is up to you.
 
Hello Arronax,

It is not fair for your partner to tell you that you have to be mono, while she has the freedom to be poly. Tell her you do not agree to these conditions.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top