Advice

[E_Dub]

My partner and I are interested in venturing into a hierarchical relationship. This is our first time so please spare me but I’m sure the way it’s being handled is not the correct way… and I have voiced this to him.
There are 3 of us… I am his “primary”. We have been together for a few years and we have plans that are in play for the future - family, finances, businesses, etc. During a break, he met another woman who is now aware of me. So, when we started dating again, I (for a lack of better words so please forgive me) “inherited” her. She knows about me and I know about her. I’m aware of the extent of their relationship which is much less. I have expressed to him that it would be wise to allow her to choose if she’s ok with basically being her role because although she is aware that he and I are together, I don’t think she understands that he is not going to give her the future she desires. I am aware of the conversations they have and although she says she wants a future (incl marriage) with him he tells her that he does not want or see that with her. She bypasses his comments. In addition, she has a small child from an ex of hers which also makes me feel bad for her. I understand it’s her choice, but I think she should understand the situation fully to make the best decision for her.
I do not have direct contact with her by choice. Although, she does pay attention to my social media in secret… This screams disaster especially on her end.
We have agreed that future relationships will be handled differently. Not sure how to help this or to let it go it’s course but I feel bad for her and I’ve expressed this to him.
I’m aware the current situation is not in the true spirit of polyamory but I am trying to gain insight for future relationships.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi E_Dub,

I have been thinking about your situation, and the fact that she bypasses his comments makes me think that maybe she does understand what he is telling her -- she just doesn't believe it. Or she believes that she can change him. Or both. Like she believes he truly deeply loves her, that he just doesn't dare to say it. Or that deep down, he wants to marry her eventually, but this desire is too deeply subliminal for him to be aware of it, and maybe he doesn't dare to admit that to himself. This is what I think she believes about him; it doesn't necessarily make it true. If she's right, then there may be disaster on the road ahead for you. If she's wrong, then there may be disaster on the road ahead for her.

Have you thought about talking to her yourself?
Sympathetic regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Coveny]

If she's been told but feels like she can be a cowgirl (Is that still a term... I haven't been talking to poly people in a while) that's on her. That said, given you were broke up when she started dating him it makes cowgirling more feasible. As the previous poster said though it's going to end badly for one of you as she isn't seeking poly...

 

[Magdlyn]

My partner and I are interested in venturing into a hierarchical relationship. This is our first time, so please spare me, but I’m sure the way it’s being handled is not the correct way, and I have voiced this to him.

There are 3 of us. I am his “primary."

So you are in a V, and your partner is the "hinge."

We have been together for a few years and we have plans that are in play for the future: family, finances, businesses, etc. During a break, he met another woman, who is now aware of me.

So, when we started dating again, I (for a lack of better words, so please forgive me) “inherited” her. She knows about me and I know about her. I’m aware of the extent of their relationship, which is much less. I have expressed to him that it would be wise to allow her to choose if she’s OK with basically being her role.

How is she "being her role"? Do you mean she has to accept she will always be a secondary, and will never have the chance to be his primary partner, much less his monogamous partner in a strictly mono relationship?

Do you enjoy the idea of being in a polyamorous relationship? Does your partner enjoy it? Or are you both uncomfortable with it, really, and you're just hoping the newer gf will "see the light" and break up with him? Can't he break up with her, if he sees she is not interested in polyamory with him, and being ever a secondary?

Because although she is aware that he and I are together, I don’t think she understands that he is not going to give her the future she desires. I am aware of the conversations they have, and although she says she wants a future (including marriage) with him, he tells her that he does not want or see that with her. She bypasses his comments.

How long had he dated her while you 2 were on your break? Long enough for it to become serious? Is she angry that he's now back with his "ex"? Or did she know you were never really an ex, and she was always on thin ice as far as any lasting future with him? It sounds like she is in denial and needs some straight talk. If she wants a mono bf, it would be a kindness for your bf to break things off. He can't give her what she wants. Action speak louder than words. He's just stringing her along, it sounds like.

In addition, she has a small child from an ex of hers which also makes me feel bad for her. I understand it’s her choice, but I think she should understand the situation fully to make the best decision for her.
I do not have direct contact with her by choice. Although, she does pay attention to my social media in secret… This screams disaster, especially on her end.
We have agreed that future relationships will be handled differently. Not sure how to help this, or to let it go it’s course, but I feel bad for her and I’ve expressed this to him.
I’m aware the current situation is not in the true spirit of polyamory, but I am trying to gain insight for future relationships.

Yes, this is just a messy situation. Of course you feel badly for her (and him), but this is your partner's choice, and he has to decide on a course of action. If this were real polyamory, your metamour would have the option of accepting a secondary role (which gives her few benefits as far as a stability for kids and finances), or to request the option of growing depth, leading to a co-primary situation. Then your bf would decide if he wants to marry her, or you, or neither of you, but still set up formal legal responsibilities with both of you.

A great book to read about all these ramification is called Opening Up.

 

[Magdlyn]

Oh, I just noticed you already have another thread going about this. I'm not sure why you started another one.

 

[E_Dub]

Oh, I just noticed you already have another thread going about this. I'm not sure why you started another one.

I tried to delete this one but couldn’t figure out how to do so when I couldn’t see my reply on the other one for awhile. Sorry!

 

[Magdlyn]

We can't delete threads, but the mods can close a thread to posts, so it will eventually drop down off the active new posts list, if you'd like.

 

[E_Dub]

Yep, either one is fine. Didn’t know that.