Advice

[honeybaby]

Hi,

I am in long term relationship with male who has always had open relationship. This is something that hasn't even appealed to me and it has caused friction within our sex life. He says he is ok with it, but we have little to no sex and he has shows no interest in me.

He doesn't have an interest in being with other people but would like to watch me. I don't feel I'm comfortable with this, but I am thinking about maybe meeting other guys for sex. This is something he is comfortable with, but I'm worried what this will mean for our relationship. Is having an open relationship just because your needs aren't being meet, the right reason? I'm worried this will cause further issues. Any advice?

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Sounds like sexual incompatibility

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi,

I am in long term relationship with male who has always had open relationship. This is something that hasn't even appealed to me and it has caused friction within our sex life. He says he is ok with it, but we have little to no sex and he has shows no interest in me.

How long have you been together?

What do you mean by "open relationship" in this case? Casual sex? This board is for polyamory, meaning, "multiple loves" not just casual sex with others while in an emotionally mono relationship.

Why did you agree to be in an "open relationship" with him if you would prefer monogamy?

He doesn't have an interest in being with other people, but would like to watch me.

So he's not having sex with anyone, you or others. All he wants from sex is to get you to have sex with others in front of him? And you don't want to do this.

I don't feel I'm comfortable with this, but I am thinking about maybe meeting other guys for sex.

You want to have sex with other men? Just for your own fun, since your bf is not giving you sex? But you don't want him to watch, and maybe you don't want to send him pix or videos of your sex with others, either.

This is something he is comfortable with, but I'm worried what this will mean for our relationship. Is having an open relationship just because your needs aren't being meet, the right reason? I'm worried this will cause further issues. Any advice?

Sure, you can meet different needs with different partners, just as you might, with platonic friends, have someone to go hiking with, someone to go shopping with, someone to cook with, etc.

Many things can and will change in a mono relationship when one or both partners starts having sex with others, or going into a full-on emotionally intimate relationship. You may not be polyamorous. You might just want an escape route, a new bf in your pocket before you dump your current one.

Would you be willing to fill in more details?

 

[Openbook23]

Do you just want to try having sex with other people, but not with your partner around? Do you also want emotions? Poly includes emotions, but you can have sex with other people without poly, if you want.

I tend to think that when people post about their relationships, they are only giving the negatives. So, I assume there are many positives in your LTR that make you stay in it, and we are just getting the reasons why you are struggling. That sounds hard. Sometimes the negatives are just too much, and you have to end the relationship with that person. That's ok. You could even find someone you are sexually compatible with! In general, I think opening up a relationship to get different needs met can be viable, but NOT if the goal is to save your relationship so to speak. If there are issues in your relationship, opening up usually won't fix them and can even make them worse.

However, if your relationship is solid in every way but one need isn't getting met, and BOTH partners are good with the idea, then opening up can absolutely work. Please do your homework, though. There is a thread with beginners resources on this board. Read it. Read the books; listen to the podcasts. Be ready before you try it.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello honeybaby,

Are you okay with your partner having an open relationship, even while it is closed on your end? Is it just open relationship for you that hasn't appealed to you, or would you rather have him stop having an open relationship as well?

It sounds like he has been pushing you to open up the relationship on your end, and you don't feel comfortable about doing that. I am a little worried about you doing something (for him) that makes you uncomfortable, and thus maybe establishing a precedent that you will always do that for him, and thus that you will never be comfortable in the relationship?

Does he know how uncomfortable it makes you to contemplate meeting other guys for sex? Does he know how bad the position is that he's putting you in? Is he unaware of your feelings, or does he just not care about your feelings? I have to ask.

Just some initial questions,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry.

It sounds like this is not compatible.

This doesn't really seem to related to polyamory. Just that you are maybe struggling with Guy wanting open relationship and you not being into that?

He doesn't have an interest in being with other people but would like to watch me. I don't feel I'm comfortable with this, but I am thinking about maybe meeting other guys for sex. This is something he is comfortable with, but I'm worried what this will mean for our relationship.

If you don't even want to be in an open relationship... and you also don't want to do this voyeur thing he's been suggesting...

How's you meeting other guys for sex while also dating Guy not an open relationship?

Are you thinking about breaking up with Guy? And just moving on to date new people? I think that would be totally fine. In fact, in might serve you better than finding ways to sort of "hobble along" with Guy.

Is having an open relationship just because your needs aren't being meet, the right reason? I'm worried this will cause further issues. Any advice?

I think only the people involved can answer that. Sometimes it can work out. Other times it's just people bending into pretzels, avoiding or dragging out a break up, etc.

Galagirl