Advice!

[onceuponemily]

Hi everyone!

I am new to this site and really excited to have a place to come for a sense of poly community.

I have been poly for around 6 months, currently have one partner and searching for more. My partner does have other partners, and I am happy for him, but also a little envious. I have been having a hard time connecting with others.

I keep getting stuck though... When my partner is spending time with one of his play partners I am constantly creating the situation in my head. Any advice on how to move past this? I am happy for him and his other connections. My relationship with him feels secure. I just keep falling down the comparison loop and it is tough. Any advice for a new poly gal would be appreciated.

Thanks ahead of time.

 

[Evie]

Welcome Emily

Comparison is the thief of joy, or some such very old saying. You're in good company as it's a really common thing that people come seeking help with here. There's still no one completely magic formula to relieve that sense of comparison since it's very likely to be rooted in experiences you've had in life long before this bf and polyamory. Human beings are hardwired to make comparisons - it's a part of cognition - and then there's the formative experiences, and the constant advertising. Of course it's going to be a challenge to break away from doing that, even in this one context.

Personally, I've found that a strong sense of identity, of what I can and do offer in a relationship, including sexually, is a great buffer when it comes to comparison. The uniqueness of me, and thus the uniqueness of the relationship I have with my partners is very different from the relationship they have with their other partners.

The play partner dynamic can be harder to deal with, I'll freely admit that. Especially if it's play that you engage in (or want to) yourself which can lead to more specific comparisons ("she can take so much more of that treatment than I can"). I have had to accept that there's some things I'll just never be able to do, and that's tough to process, especially if there's pictures. And so it's good to practice taking a mental step away from the comparison - knowing you're susceptible to it, but that you are also, ultimately, in control of your thoughts and you can choose to switch perspective from one where you centre them negatively and what you imagine is going on there, to one where you centre yourself positively and all the things that you are simply amazing at. Self love and all that jazz (it's actually okay to think good things about yourself, truly, it's not stuck up or above your station or anything else that the people who want to keep you small do to disparage a positive self identity).

 

[GalaGirl]

Welcome. I'm willing to listen/try to help, but I have questions.

I keep getting stuck though....when my partner is spending time with one of his play partners I am constantly creating the situation in my head. Any advice on how to move pass this?

I am not clear on what you mean. Creating WHAT situation in your head?

I just keep falling down the comparison loop and it is tough. Any advice for a new poly gal would be appreciated.

WHAT are you comparing?

• You vs the other partners in terms of looks, skills, what you each have to offer hinge?
• You thinking you HAVE to be feeling compersion vs the reality of you not feeling much of that?
• Comparing partner's dating "success" while you are "still looking?"
• Something else?

Would you please be willing to elaborate? It's hard to give suggestions when there's not really a lot to go on.

Galagirl

 

[Bobbi]

I used to let the stories in my head drive me down a lonely path. I found a podcast called Unf*ck Your Brain and I started at the beginning (not the prequels) and binged it. 2-3 episodes per day for over 8 months and it helped me a TON! I no longer have unending scripts of negativity running all the time and have learned the skills to change those scripts if they pop up. My mental and emotional state is very stable now and I'm living my best life. I cannot recommend it enough for those pesky negative scripts we all have.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello onceuponemily,

I think the thing to keep in mind here is that everyone is different, you are unique and your partner will never find another like you. Each partner brings something different (and vital) to the table. This is kind of the opposite of comparison thinking, it is acknowledging that no one is "more desirable" than another because we're all needed in a unique way. I don't know if you have thought of it this way before, but that mindset might help you to not feel so compared to his play partners.

Regards,
Kevin T.