Advise please- Newbie meeting with poly couple

[Spiritlovesun]

I am new to stepping into polyamory, I've always been an extremely open minded person but have so often been confused by my ideals of what I believed a relationship or marriage should be. Being never married and having many repeated failed monogamous relationships I encountered a variety of people and made some poly friends on the journey but until now I am finally curious. I had been talking to a guy over a month I met on a dating app and just enjoyed no expectations. I knew he was poly and just was seeing him as a friend and for sure had a strong connection. We met and hit it off, ended up somewhat intimate, enough to make me feel and look forward to more but above that truly liked him and wanted to step in. He asked that I meet his girl so I went into uncharted water and took a friend and had a game night - she wasn't as welcoming as I would have imagined. After I thought in return I would get some time with him this week and instead he asked more of me to come back and talk to her, as he's afraid of repeating the mistake of their first experience where his girlfriends didn't talk. He's so focused on me being her friend as I questioned him after -I feel like I was put in a box and the joy of this is getting sucked out. Reminder only hung out alone once. he even asked we stop flirting for now.. I'm all about being open to their needs but I know my interest will fade if I'm not able to build my dynamic with him and have to lock feelings up-which I told him. He admitted I'm the first person they've tried to do things "right" with. Long story short I'm trying to be positive about going there tomorrow to talk but how can I say my intentions when I still need to feel more connection with him to see but I feel disappointed and like I'll just remain in the friend zone and lose interest. I'm trying to educate myself but I'm curious if they've done the same. Starting not to seem so. I've talked to much about stuff with him so at this point I can't bring up more yet. He keeps saying go with the flow, no expectations but to me many things are asked early on without any return--anyway shoot! #newb

 

[Ravenscroft]

You already know the answer.

He's not "poly" so much as trying to rope a unicorn for their marriage-plus-one. If that's what YOU want, cool. He (not really "they") might expect you'll be exclusive to him ("them") -- again, so long as that's what you want, great.

But "go with the flow, no expectations" just kinda sounds like how to get through being raped.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Spiritlovesun,

I get the impression that you are kind of being used/objectified by this man. And that you are right to start losing interest in him. Trust your instincts is what I say. There are better poly experiences out there for you. Seek what you desire.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[breathemusic]

This idea that they've gotten where doing poly "right" means that your partners are all friends is actually wrong. That's one way to do poly, but not the right way, or required. Furthermore, friendships have to evolve naturally. The same way not all of your friends are friends with each other, not all of your partners will be. And the quickest way to make your partners hate each other is to try and force them to be friends!

If you like the idea of being friends with a meta, then I'd let him know that you think that's a great thing and hope that it happens naturally and in time, but that you are uncomfortable with it being forced on you and that it's going to kill any potential relationship if you have to fit some set mold that they're looking for.

 

[vinsanity0]

I don't see this as unicorn hunting at all. I see it as a noob couple who are still feeling their way through what works for them. It sounds like she is not totally into the poly thing. For some reason, they think that her getting to know you will make things easier on her. Maybe it will, maybe it won't.

I would move forward with caution, if I moved forward at all. I assume their last foray didn't work out because she pulled the plug on it. Odds are high that will happen again.

Personally, I'm not all that into the "you have to be friends with my partner" thing. I would tell him he needed to work out stuff between him and his other partner and leave you out of it.

 

[GalaGirl]

I have a hard time with no names. I am going to take the liberty of using generics for names. If you pick other names, I am happy to go with what you pick.

• SpirtLoveSun = You
  
• Earth = Your potential interest
  
• Moon = His other partner
  
• Star = His ex GF

He admitted I'm the first person they've tried to do things "right" with.

Doing it "right" like how? Like honest and above board? Because before there was cheating?

Is that why his current partner Moon and the exGF Star did not get along? He cheated with Star and was trying to "whitewash" a cheating affair with the poly brush and get them to be "friends?" And now Moon is cold/stand-offish to anyone else he brings around because they still have not fully repaired?

Something else?

Long story short I'm trying to be positive about going there tomorrow to talk but how can I say my intentions when I still need to feel more connection with him

Could be up front. Maybe call and say something like...

"I've decided to slow things way down and NOT to come over. We've only had 1 date where it was just you and me alone. Now you are asking me to come over and do all this work to accommodate that side of the V when I'm not all that invested yet. Let's have a few more dates first to see if this even is a runner before we start V negotiations and talking in a trio. Talking at this point in time seems like jumping the gun.

If you are not up for that approach? That is ok. Let's just call this not really compatible and not put more energy into it."

OR

You could go see them both and say "I'm willing to consider all people's needs, which includes my own. I need to make you aware that this is going too fast for me. I don't even know if this is even a runner.

I need a few more 1:1 dates with Earth to determine if we even have enough in common.

I'm not sure you, Moon, even want to be in a V.

So rather than waste anyone's time or hurt people's feelings inadvertently, I rather get clear on that early. Is everyone here up for a V model with Earth as a hinge if there is enough interest/things in common? Or is this a case of Earth wants to V, Moon not so much and Earth is putting himself out there on dating apps prematurely?"

However you do it, you have to suss out if you even want to get involved with these people or not.

I'm trying to educate myself but I'm curious if they've done the same. Starting not to seem so.

Well, just because someone describes themselves as poly online doesn't mean they have the education or skills. Just means they know how to type the word "poly."

He keeps saying go with the flow, no expectations but to me many things are asked early on without any return--anyway shoot! #newb

He is free to ask. He is not a mind reader.

Just as you are free to say "No, thank you. I don't want to do that right now. I prefer to do ___ instead."

It doesn't sound like his other partner is up for "kitchen table poly" or maybe not even up for poly at all. If you decided to keep investing for now... tread with caution and sort that out.

If he's trying to force it to be a "kitchen table V" or "all friends V" or similar when it more naturally wants to be a "very separate V" or "not even a V, Moon prefers Mono" ... him forcing things isn't good. Like he SAYS he wants to go with the flow, but he isn't actually allowing things to flow naturally. He's trying to fit things to a mold.

Galagirl