Afraid husband will return to ex-partner who has borderline personality disorder

R

RenContessa

New member
As you can guess by the title, I need some advice. My husband and I became poly after we reconnected after a separation. We both agreed this was what we wanted. Shortly after, he began dating a woman whom he had known for several years, who had pursued him quite heavily. They dated for roughly 10 months, before she broke up with him two weeks ago. Upon asking him about the breakup, I found out she has "quiet" borderline personality disorder, and that it caused the breakup due to her "splitting."

He stated he didn't know if they would get back together, and that they were talking to "see where things go." I knew very little about BPD, so I went researching. I then went to my therapist (I'm bipolar, well controlled through therapy and medication), to get advice on how to help my husband through the breakup. When I told my therapist the cause of the breakup, she painted me a very bleak picture about what would happen if my husband and she got back together.

I do not want to tell him he can not have a relationship with her, and it wouldn't do any good if I tried, but I feel like if he does get back together with her, it will be the slow death of our relationship. I'm also worried it will take a great toll on him. We've already had problems that I now know are related to her BPD issues.

Can anyone help me on what to do? My therapist did give me advice, but I wanted to ask those that actually live this lifestyle, as well. Thank you.
 
I would like to know the details of how you got back together, as every part in the second sentence of your post is highly intriguing to me, but I digress. Yet for that matter, I would also like to know what your therapist said. And what does your husband say about your own poly relationships, and if nothing much, then have you really asked him? Anyway!

Some hardcore folks may feel that the natural convergence of poly is for all partners to be treated the same. Even if so, it has conversely been said that married couples need to be on solid footing before opening their relationship, or they may risk magnifying their own issues that need to be worked out first. I differ from some by leaning a lot more towards this latter concept. I feel a married spouse has a higher level of commitment. As such, there are concentric circles of relationship importance. This can be distinguished simply sometimes as the “Primary” and “Secondary” partners. Starting from there, the Primary tends to lead in some areas of importance, such as cohabitation time, financial partnership, or, in establishing an emotional foundatio

Now that I have said all that, how much have you spoken with your metamour? If she comes back into the picture, I suspect that if you tactfully, but in a clear well-thought out mind, shared with her, in the pre-vetted presence of your husband, what you have shared with us, it would not be a surprise to her.

My advice is that you have already come a long way with your husband. As such, do not be afraid to find a safe space to take the bull by the horns, but only if it comes to that. What is the alternative, to do nothing and wait for your husband to come to you, and then you tactfully lay out the map of how decisions have emotional impact?

By now, you will notice that at no point am I saying for you to veto your husband. As they say, if you love something, set it free. Just support him. If he has issues, get them without being their punching bag, and plainly but compassionately point out any cause-and-effect that may be obvious to you, and maybe not to him.

I look forward to hearing how, going forward, you bond through this with your husband.
 
Hello RenContessa,

That sounds like a scary situation, I hope your husband doesn't return to his BPD ex. You should share your reservations with him, explain to him that if he gets back together with her, it may be the slow death of your relationship with him. Also listen to your therapist, they gave you good advice.

Sympathy and regards,
Kevin T.
 
Juan234 said:
I would like to know the details of how you got back together, as every part in the second sentence of your post is highly intriguing to me... I would also like to know what your therapist said. And what does your husband say about your own poly relationships, and if nothing much, then have you really asked him?

Some hardcore folks may feel that the natural convergence of poly is for all partners to be treated the same. Even if so, it has conversely been said that married couples need to be on solid footing before opening their relationship, or they may risk magnifying their own issues that need to be worked out first. I differ from some by leaning a lot more towards this latter concept. I feel a married spouse has a higher level of commitment. As such, there are concentric circles of relationship importance. This can be distinguished simply sometimes as the “Primary” and “Secondary” partners. Starting from there, the Primary tends to lead in some areas of importance, such as cohabitation time, financial partnership, or, in establishing an emotional foundatio

Now that I have said all that, how much have you spoken with your metamour? If she comes back into the picture, I suspect that if you tactfully, but in a clear well-thought out mind, shared with her, in the pre-vetted presence of your husband, what you have shared with us, it would not be a surprise to her. My advice is that you have already come a long way with your husband, and as such, do not be afraid to find a safe space to take the bull by the horns, but only if it comes to that. What is the alternative, to do nothing and wait for your husband to come to you and then you tactfully lay out the map of how decisions have emotional impact?

At no point am I saying for you to veto your husband. As they say, if you love something, set it free. Just support him. If he has issues, get them without being their punching bag, and plainly but compassionately point out any cause-and-effect that may be obvious to you, and maybe not to him.
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I will try to answer your questions as succinctly as possible.

1. We split up because both of us had untreated mental health issues. During our time apart, we both got treatment, worked on our separate issues, and grew as people. We got back together because I felt sorry for him due to the stress he was under at work at the time, and invited him out to ride a Mardi Gras float with me. We started going through our respective journeys, rediscovering our commonalities, and what we liked about each other in the first place.

2. My therapist said I needed to sit and have a serious talk with him. I was told to find out what he really knew about BPD, and to print out things, if needed. She gave me some sites. She also said to tell him that if he chooses to get back together with her, that I would prefer that he keep their relationship as far away from ours as possible. There was talk of her moving in before the breakup. That is not something I really wanted in the first place, if we're being honest. I also need to express my fears about our relationship to him in light of now knowing her issues and what problems have already occurred.

3. He has no opinion on my relationships, as I don't have any other than himm and a once a year hookup at an event I go to.

I thank you for your advice, but I'm unsure if trying to talk to her will work. If she thinks she's being criticized or attacked, she will react badly, and I don't really want my husband in the middle of that.
 
I have a child (now an adult) who was apparently born with BPD. (Her birth had some complications which I fear caused a lack of oxygen to her brain during labor.) The older she got, the worse her acting out became (although her childhood was no picnic).

Anyway, it sounds like your therapist gave excellent advice. I am not sure what more advice you need than to establish boundaries, such as practicing very parallel poly, as you requested.

I think it's highly not recommended to date people with untreated mental illness, once the sufferer and the partner become aware there is a mental illness. That's just going to doom you to going around in circles of pain. I see you and your husband have sought treatment. Are we to assume that his gf has not?

One thing that was a huge help to me with my daughter was reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, a book written by people with BPD who sought treatment and got their condition somewhat under control. They offer advice for the loved ones of people with BPD, mostly around establishing boundaries.

The thing is, I might be able to understand why your husband is drawn to this woman (from my experience with my daughter). BPD folks can be very loving and compassionate on the one hand, while at the same time, pushing partners and friends and family members away with their lack of control of their emotions, their rages, possible self-harm, stealing, paranoia, panics, substance abuse, etc.

Your boundaries could range from insisting on parallel poly, to actually separating from your husband again. You might not have the desire to help him stay sane while dating such a challenging partner. You got back with him originally out of pity. I wouldn't recommend doing that again.
 
Magdlyn said:
I have a child (now an adult) who was apparently born with BPD. (Her birth had some complications which I fear caused a lack of oxygen to her brain during labor.) The older she got, the worse her acting out became (although her childhood was no picnic).

Anyway, it sounds like your therapist gave excellent advice. I am not sure what more advice you need than to establish boundaries, such as practicing very parallel poly, as you requested.

I think it's highly not recommended to date people with untreated mental illness, once the sufferer and the partner become aware there is a mental illness. That's just going to doom you to going around in circles of pain. I see you and your husband have sought treatment. Are we to assume that his gf has not?

One thing that was a huge help to me with my daughter was reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, a book written by people with BPD who sought treatment and got their condition somewhat under control. They offer advice for the loved ones of people with BPD, mostly around establishing boundaries.

The thing is, I might be able to understand why your husband is drawn to this woman (from my experience with my daughter). BPD folks can be very loving and compassionate on the one hand, while at the same time, pushing partners and friends and family members away with their lack of control of their emotions, their rages, possible self-harm, stealing, paranoia, panics, substance abuse, etc.

Your boundaries could range from insisting on parallel poly, to actually separating from your husband again. You might not have the desire to help him stay sane while dating such a challenging partner. You got back with him originally out of pity. I wouldn't recommend doing that again.
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I didn't get back with him or of pity. I invited him out to the Mardi Gras event out of pity. That led to us getting back together, but we didn't get back together because of pity. I'm sorry if I wasn't clear on that.
As far as his girlfriend getting treatment, she had in the past but is not currently in treatment now. She has apparently said she is going to seek treatment again, but she is not known for carrying through on things.
 
RenContessa said:
I didn't get back with him or of pity. I invited him out to the Mardi Gras event out of pity. That led to us getting back together, but we didn't get back together because of pity. I'm sorry if I wasn't clear on that.
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Right. But don't let your soft feelings for him get you into problems again. What is his mental illness? I'm just wondering, in case it's clouding his judgement around dating someone with a difficult yet untreated condition like BPD.
RenContessa said:
As far as his girlfriend getting treatment, she had in the past, but is not currently in treatment now. She has apparently said she is going to seek treatment again, but she is not known for carrying through on things.
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Yeah, that doesn't sound good. I'm sorry you're going through this. :(
 
Magdlyn said:
Right. But don't let your soft feelings for him get you into problems again. What is his mental illness? I'm just wondering, in case it's clouding his judgement around dating someone with a difficult yet untreated condition like BPD.

Yeah, that doesn't sound good. I'm sorry you're going through this. :(
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He has PTSD from combat.
 
Consider that maybe, just as you say, your therapist painted you a very bleak picture.
Not all bpd people are the same.
Some learn to manage their condition on their own or with their partners.
Do you know her personally?
I would refrain from judging her by her label, and look at her actual behavior, and don't exagerate - everyone has issues.
I agree extra caution is asked for, and moving in together anytime soon is a bad idea, but I would not scare myself overly by reading every story of doom about that diagnosis.

You have well managed bipolar, maybe her bpd is also mostly well managed. If I were to go on the internet and read everything about mania, I would think my potential bipolar metamour is going to squader all of her savings and end up on my couch, not to mention jump of a bridge believing their gonna fly. Please know the risks, but learn about the actual person, not just the diagnosis.
 
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Tinwen said:
Consider that maybe, just as you say, your therapist painted you a very bleak picture.
Not all bpd people are the same.
Some learn to manage their condition on their own or with their partners.
Do you know her personally?
I would refrain from judging her by her label, and look at her actual behavior, and don't exagerate - everyone has issues.
I agree extra caution is asked for, and moving in together anytime soon is a bad idea, but I would not scare myself overly by reading every story of doom about that diagnosis.

You have well managed bipolar, maybe her bpd is also mostly well managed. If I were to go on the internet and read everything about mania, I would think my potential bipolar metamour is going to squader all of her savings and end up on my couch, not to mention jump of a bridge believing their gonna fly. Please know the risks, but learn about the actual person, not just the diagnosis.
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I do know her personally. Maybe not as well as I should, but I do know her. I also know problems have already arisen from what appears to be her BPD. That is where my concern comes from. I also know she's not in any form of treatment, nor has she been for some time.
I think my therapist gave me a realistic picture of the disorder, and BPD is a very tough disorder.
 
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