age gap

[pftsh]

My partner Biff and I have been together 8 months now. I'm new to poly, but not to ENM.

When we first started dating, he told me he was doing online dating, but that it was hard to meet people. He said he was getting 20somethings contacting him, but he wasn't interested. He said "What on earth would I have to talk to them about?" I was relieved. We are both in our 50s. I went through a wild period in my 40s of dating 20somethings, and it gave me a lot of heartbreak and PTSD, honestly. They were messy. I really don't want a partner who dates people that young, for quite a few reasons.

Well, I thought he had one girlfriend, and that was it. No. He's been casually seeing someone from online dating I'll call Tiffany. I had no idea until, five months in, he had made plans with me, then pushed them back because, he said, "My friend Tiffany showed up." Then he went incommunicado and ended up blowing off the rescheduled time. Now, he used sort of veiled language about what he was doing with her, when we talked about it the next day. Info about her started being released in dribs and drabs.

I actually broke up with him over it (because he blew me off a second time that week), but then we worked on things and got back together. After we got back together, I found out Tiffany was 28.

We have had so many conversations about this, I'm sick of talking about it. When we got back together, he really made me feel like a priority. It meant a lot to me. Then he saw Tiffany again, and yet again, put it in really fuzzy language: "my friend. " And I replied, "Your friend? or dating?" And he said "Friend, but someday." Huh? Then he said "She's too young for me." And that's when I found out that he'd messed around with her the night he blew me off.

I really thought he wasn't one of those guys that wants someone half his age. It's nobody's fault, really, that we're at this point now. I was too new to poly to really probe him and make sure I wasn't gonna end up with a 20-something meta. (I prefer KTP and I don't want to hang out with women half my age. I don't even want to DATE men half my age, even tho they try to date me.) I just took him at his word that he wasn't interested.

Well, he changed his mind.

Mine has not changed, tho he's really trying to get me to change it, so we don't break up.

I look at it as an incompatibility issue. He looks at is as "She's trying to control me, to hamper my freedom." He's saying, what if he meets someone in their 20s who's really amazing and wants a relationship? To me, a relationship is a choice. It isn't something you fall into. I choose not to nurture relationships with people half my age. He doesn't want to follow suit.

Am I missing something here? Is there really a compromise, if I know I'll be really uncomfortable to have my partner in a relationship with someone half my age?

 

[Albert Ross]

If your partner really wants to date someone half their age, and you really don’t want to have a partner who dates people half their age, then the truth is you and Biff are probably incompatible.

 

[pftsh]

If your partner really wants to date someone half their age, and you really don’t want to have a partner who dates people half their age, then the truth is you and Biff are probably incompatible.

Ikr?

He doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't want to make an agreement about this, and he doesn't want to be told what to do. He can't have it all ways.

 

[Albert Ross]

Alas! No you can’t.

 

[Bobbi]

If you didn't do KTP you'd never have to see her. To me, the bigger problem is him not keeping commitments he made to you in order to be with her. It seems like he has a boundary issue with her, and that could be a huge problem, if she is the type to manipulate. I would say this dynamic is not what you want.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

Mine has not changed, tho he's really trying to get me to change it, so we don't break up.

I look at it as an incompatibility issue. He looks at is as "She's trying to control me, to hamper my freedom." He's saying what if he meets someone in their 20s who's really amazing and wants a relationship? To me, a relationship is a choice. It isn't something you fall into. I choose not to nurture relationships with people half my age. He doesn't want to follow suit.

Am I missing something here? Is there really a compromise, if I know I'd be really uncomfortable to have my partner in a relationship with someone half my age?

To me, it sounds like he's blowing smoke at you because he wants to date you both. But really, you are not restricting his freedom any. He can date 20-somethings if he wants to. He just isn't entitled to date YOU at the same time. Your time, your body, your consent all belong to you, not him.

So, if you want to dump him because you don't want to deal with 20-something metas, and do not wish to share your time with him anymore, end it. He will still be free to pursue them, if he wants to.

Galagirl

 

[ambiguous]

He is not handling this well at all. He just really wants me to be okay with it. He accused me of not accepting him. I accepted him thinking he wasn't like every other guy my age looking for some young girl.

 

[Bobbi]

It's easier to blame someone else than take responsibility for one's own decisions and actions. It's okay if he wants to date someone half his age, and it's okay if you don't want a meta half your age. You two are no longer compatible.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm a woman who dates people much younger than myself. I am currently 68 and my female partner is 46 and my male partner is 32. Let me tell you, I have plenty to talk about with each of them. We have lots of things in common. I have more to talk about with them than I do with many people my own age. At least, that was my experience in poly dating (mostly men) in the last decade and a half. I did date one woman about my age, with whom I did have lots in common (we didn't work out, sadly), but by and large, men my age I generally found to be boring, or with lots of ED problems, arrogant, deeply flawed, bitter, dishonest, etc.

I mean, age IS just a number. I recently saw a video clip of George Harrison (the Beatle), who was in his 50s at the time, saying, basically, our souls are eternal teenagers; it's just that our bodies age. (Therefore, Beatles music could be appealing to all ages, not just to young people.)

Being an alternative, spiritually and mentally excited and interested sort of person, and being that so many people get more conservative as they age (their minds seem to stiffen along with their bodies), I find I can click with younger people who are still fresh and energetic and excited to be alive. I am picky about whom I date, however. Age alone is not the only factor. It just happens that I get along with (some) younger people just fine.

I won't say I did not, like you, go through heartbreak dating younger men when I first became single/poly at age 53, after I divorced my ex-husband. But older men also broke, or nicked, my heart. (My ex-husband sure did.) The ages of the dating partners didn't seem to be a factor. The older men weren't automatically more graciously mature. They could be just as childish, insincere, petty, dishonest, only-in-it-for-sex, etc., as the younger men. And they were more likely to be broken and bitter.

In your case, I think you might be projecting your own experiences of dating younger men onto your boyfriend having a younger female partner. (In general, as a pansexual person, I find women to be nicer and more honest than men, when it comes to being friends or dating them. I make an exception for gay men, whom I cannnot [unfortunately] date, haha.) Your bf could be dating another woman closer to his own age with whom you would not want to sit around a kitchen table. I don't think her younger age alone would mean that you'd dislike hanging out with a younger woman.

I think more of the problem here is that your bf is lying about what this woman is to him, and trying to "hide" the fact that she's young and he's romantically attracted to her, in order not to lose you, because of your "age boundary."

 

[pftsh]

I get what you're saying. I sat down over the weekend and did an inventory. I've been lied to by nearly everyone I've been in.a relationship with. Lied to, abused, etc. Age had nothing to do with that.

I will add tho--

Your current partners aren't in their 20s.

I've had roommates in their 20s and bfs in their 20s. And hookups in their 20s. I'm 56 now. I really don't want that drama in my life. They brought a LOT of drama in my life.

Over 30? Cool. Fine.

Also, Tiffany is closer to his son's age than his age.

I would always get into liasons with 20somethings knowing it wouldn't be wise to be in a relationship, and then..it turned into a relationship. And they didn't know what they wanted. They weren't settled. They were living with their parents and thought they couldn't give me what I needed. They loved me one minute and 2 weeks later broke up with me. One was an alcoholic in denial. Party party party all the time was fun in my 40s. I do not have the energy for it now that I'm 56. I'm closer to 60 than 50. I'd kinda like some calm. My bf is 53 and still parties quite a bit.

And yeah, I'm salty still that he wasn't forthcoming about her, and I can't help but wonder if that's because of her age. He's given me so many different stories about her. "She's not important to me." "It's an ego boost." "I'm not even that attracted to her" to where my head is so muddled, I can't even think straight, nor figure out if I can trust him, tho I want to.

But when I saw him texting her in the imessages that popped up while I was working on his computer, yes, I was upset that yet again, she's distracting him from me (or he's LETTING her, I should say), but also projecting out..omg what if this turns into a relationship?

And it really forced me to think about how I would handle my partner dating someone that young. I had a literally visceral reaction of wanting to be sick.

I have a niece in her mid-20s. I love her. And we have great conversations. She's really mature. Would I want to go party with her and her friends? No way. Would I be ok with my bf in a relationship with her? Nope!

There's a lot that goes into it. The power imbalance. Financial imbalance. Horror stories I've seen and heard and lived. All the pressure that society puts on aging women. I look a lot younger. I have 20something guys hitting on me a lot. That's not gonna last forever. I'm fighting off aging as much as I can but one day it's gonna catch up with me. Do I really want to deal with the expectation my bf may develop from being with a 20something yr old body, as I continue to show more signs of age? I'm proud of my age and experience and the fact that I've survived this long. I had friends die along the way. I want someone who appreciates that and isn't looking for a perfect body. That's above and beyond an insecurity issue. That's a socialization thing. It's just so disheartening that so many men want that, but I get it. It's biology. Even still, I know I wouldn't have a problem if it was just casual sex. I even asked him why he doesn't just have sex with her and get it over with, and he said he didn't want to. I think him telling me it's about an ego boost with her. could be the main reason. But that feels so sad. I wish he got an ego boost from being in serious relationships with 2 beautiful, wonderful over 40 yr olds :/

I know other things are compounding it. Holiday stress--this is my least favorite time of year. And last week, we had drama with my meta, Kate. Long story short, she balked for 8 months about meeting me. She finally got my number from her husband, Steve (who is my 2nd partner), and contacted me wanting to meet. But get this: I HAD TO HIDE IT FROM BOTH OF MY PARTNERS.

Well, that blew up in my face. I hid it for 3 weeks until Biff was upset on our last date, because he and Kate were arguing. I thought it might be helpful to tell him we were meeting to cheer him up. I only had 3 more days left before I was to meet her, so I couldn't figure out the harm. Well, he accidentally spilled the beans to her. That made ME look like a jerk who couldn't be trusted. And we were developing a nice polycule.

I was really excited because I have poly friends who have KTP, and I'd really like that kind of relationship. My bf said he would, too, when we first started seeing each other.

I hate secrets. I hate dishonesty. I hate a lack of transparency. And I've dealt with way too much of it with Kate and Tiffany, who are the only two other people he's seeing.

Right now, he's trying to tell me he's not really likely to get into a relationship with someone that young. He just wants me to say it's okay. But if I did, I would be untrue to myself. :/

 

[Magdlyn]

I thought age was just a number, too, until I had several relationships with 20something yr old men for most of my 40s :/

Your partners aren't in their 20s.

My bf Aries was 29 when I met him. I'd made the choice to not date any more 20-somethings until he and I started talking online as friends. (He would have been 27 at that time. We chatted for 2 years during the pandemic.) It then blossomed into a romantic relationship. I was not about to hold his age against him, when he seemed so nice, thoughtful, kind, interesting, and he liked me so much, and treated me so well.

I do think, based on experience, that there's a difference between a younger 20-something and people of say, age 27 or so.

I've had roommates in their 20s, bfs in their 20s, and hookups in their 20s. I'm 56 now. I really don't want that drama in my life. They brought a LOT of drama in my life.

Not all 20-somethings are more "dramatic" than older people, in my experience, though. The worst dating experiences I've had were with men 2 years older than I was (my ex-husband and a poly guy who turned out to be a horrible narcissist). But I appreciate that your experience has been different. I am just saying that just because Tiffany is young does not guarantee she'll bring "drama" into your life, or that an older woman would magically be less drama-prone. We all know older women who are unstable and can cause all kinds of unpleasantness.

Over 30? Cool. Fine.

Also, Tiffany is closer to his son's age than his age.

My male partner Aries is my son's age. It doesn't bother me. For some reason, he prefers older women. He puts it down to being raised by his aunt and grandmother, both older, strong, self-assured women. He prefers a strong, stable, mature (yet youthful, open-minded) woman to date. He doesn't care that I have wrinkles haha.

And yeah, I'm salty still that he wasn't forthcoming about her, and I can't help but wonder if that's because of her age. He's given me so many different stories about her. "She's not important to me." "It's an ego boost." "I'm not even that attracted to her," to where my head is so muddled, I can't even think straight, nor figure out if I can trust him, though I want to.

So, Biff is your age, but he's still causing you stress, confusion and angst. He's lying or giving you mixed messages, and you don't trust him.

But when I saw him texting her in the imessages that popped up while I was working on his computer, yes, I was upset that, yet again, she's distracting him from me (or he's LETTING her, I should say), but also projecting out... omg, what if this turns into a relationship?

So again, the problem isn't that Tiffany is young, it's that Biff is lying to you (and maybe to himself...). And what is wrong with Tiffany "distracting" him from you? In poly, we all have to learn to share our time between two or more partners.

It really forced me to think about how I would handle my partner dating someone that young. I had a literally visceral reaction of wanting to be sick.

There's a lot that goes into it. The power imbalance. Financial imbalance. Horror stories I've seen and heard and lived.

Have you abused your power when dating younger men? Have your younger partners stolen your money?

I know other things are compounding it. Holiday stress--this is my least favorite time of year.

Holiday stress is hard!

And last week, we had drama with my meta Kate. Long story short, she balked for 8 months about meeting me. She finally got my number from her husband Steve (who is my 2nd partner), and contacted me wanting to meet, but get this: I HAD TO HIDE IT FROM BOTH OF MY PARTNERS.

She didn't want to meet you at first. I assume Steve wanted you two to meet? So why would your meeting need to be hidden?

Or did Steve "balk" at you two meeting, you mean? She wanted to meet, but since he was hiding her age, he didn't give her your number? Or wait, do you have two metas, a younger one and an "age-appropriate" one, who had requested this secret meeting?

Many people don't wish to meet their metamours. That is not an age-specific trait.

Well, that blew up in my face. I hid it for 3 weeks...

Why did you choose to keep the plan to meet your meta a secret? That's on you.

... until Biff was upset on our last date, because he and Kate were arguing. I thought it might be helpful to tell him we were meeting, to cheer him up. I only had 3 more days left before the meeting, so I couldn't figure out the harm. Well, he accidentally spilled the beans to her.

So he also chose to let Kate think that he didn't know you and she were about to meet? He lied too? Why couldn't you and he be honest, even if Kate didn't want to be? That "drama" was caused by all three of you lying and omitting info, not just by Kate.

I hate secrets. I hate dishonesty. I hate a lack of transparency. And I've dealt with way too much of it with Kate and Tiffany who are the only 2 other people he's seeing.

You can choose to be honest, even if no one else is being honest. If your "mature" bf Biff is okay with lying, you should break up with him for that, and not blame it on your younger-aged metamour (or on your age-appropriate meta, if that's whom you meant).

Maybe we should have names for your bf and his partner(s)

bf-- Biff
younger gf-- Tiffany
other metamour-- Kate
Your other male partner-- Steve

So, it was Kate who wanted to meet you secretly, for some weird reason, with whom you agreed to keep the secret, and you spilled the beans to Biff, and then he spilled the beans to Kate? This didn't involve the younger meta, Tiffany, at all?

Right now, he's trying to tell me he's not really likely to get into a relationship with someone that young. He just wants me to say it's ok. But if I did, I would be untrue to myself. :/

So don't be untrue to yourself, or to anyone else. Problem solved.

 

[pftsh]

My bf was 29 when I met him. I'd made the choice to not date any more 20-somethings until he and I started talking online as friends. (He would have been 27 at that time. We chatted for 2 years during the pandemic.) It then blossomed into a romantic relationship. I was not about to hold his age against him, when he seemed so nice, thoughtful, kind, interesting, and he liked me so much, and treated me so well.

I do think, based on experience, that there's a difference between a younger 20-something and people of say, age 27 or so.

Not all 20-somethings are more "dramatic" than older people, in my experience, though. The worst dating experiences I've had were with men 2 years older than I was (my ex-husband and a poly guy who turned out to be a horrible narcissist). But I appreciate that your experience has been different. I am just saying that just because your bf's OSO is young does not guarantee she'll bring "drama" into your life, or that an older woman would magically be less drama-prone. We all know older women who are unstable and can cause all kinds of unpleasantness.

My male partner is my son's age. It doesn't bother me. For some reason, my bf prefers older women. He puts it down to being raised by his aunt and grandmother, both older, strong, self-assured women. He prefers a strong, stable, mature (yet youthful, open-minded) woman to date. He doesn't care that I have wrinkles haha.

So, your bf is your age, but he's still causing you stress, confusion, and angst, and you don't trust him.

So again, the problem isn't that the woman in question is young, it's that your bf is lying to you (and maybe to himself...). And what is wrong with your meta "distracting" him from you? In poly, we all have to learn to share our time between two or more partners.

Have you abused your power when dating younger men? Have your younger partners stolen your money?


Holiday stress is hard!

She didn't want to meet you at first. I assume your bf wanted you two to meet? So why would your meeting need to be hidden?

Or did your bf "balk" at you two meeting, you mean? She wanted to meet but since he was hiding your age, he didn't give her your number? Or wait, do you have two metas, a younger one and an "age-appropriate" one, who has requested this secret meeting?

Many people don't wish to meet their metamours. That is not an age-specific trait.

Why did you choose to keep the plan to meet your meta a secret? That's on you.



So he also chose to let this woman think that he didn't know you and she were about to meet? He lied too? Why couldn't you and he be honest, even if the meta didn't want to be? That "drama" was caused by all three of you lying and omitting info, not just by your meta.

You can choose to be honest, even if no one else is being honest. If your "mature" bf is okay with lying, you should break up with him for that, and not blame it on your younger-aged metamour (or on your age-appropriate meta, if that's whom you meant).

Maybe we should have names for your bf and his partner(s)

bf- Biff
younger gf- Tiffany
other metamour- Kate

So, it was Kate who wanted to meet you secretly, for some weird reason, with whom you agreed to keep the secret, and you spilled the beans to Bob, and then he spilled the beans to Kate? This didn't involve the younger meta, Tiffany, at all?

So don't be untrue to yourself, or to anyone else. Problem solved.

Sorry, I should've given more details about the meta. BTW, I did designate names for my bf and the younger girl, who isn't YET a meta. I'm still not sure what she is, because he tells me different contradictory things about her. Let's call her a friend he messes around with, I guess.

Biff is my BF and Tiffany is the much younger woman.

So, yeah, Kate wanted to keep it a secret, because she was afraid our two partners would put pressure on her about the meeting.

I don't get it. It's not how I operate. I did want to meet her. Biff wanted me to meet her. My other partner (Kate's husband) wanted me to meet her. It was a BIG deal. She's never met a meta before. My bf had a prior girlfriend who kept begging to meet her, and she always said no.

So she texted me, saying, let's meet, but please don't tell the guys, as they get excited about things and might pressure me. I said ok because I was just so happy she wanted to meet. I figured we'd meet pretty soon after that, so it's not like I had to hide it for too long. Then it dragged out to three weeks before I heard from her again.

Then it was three days before our meeting. Biff and I had our shared time, and he was in a bad mood, and he and Kate had been arguing for several days. He seemed like he was ready to be done. I was sympathetic to Kate, and wanted to show him that she was really putting a huge effort into the relationship. After all, she was taking a big step meeting me. That's why I told him, to try to help. He promised he wouldn't let her know that I told him. I know, it was kind of ridiculous to offload the secret onto him. I see that now. But I didn't like carrying it for that long, myself.

He accidentally said something that clued Kate into me spilling the beans. It took a few days to sort it out, and in the meantime, I felt absolutely horrible. I'd betrayed her trust. But at the same time, I don't like that she put me in that position. I know, I know, I should not have gotten involved in their relationship, but I did give Biff helpful advice, that basically helped save their relationship, and they're gonna get into couple's counseling (which was my suggestion).

And no, it didn't involve Tiffany (who's not yet a meta, just to be clear), at all. It's just an example of where meta dynamics spilled over onto me, and why I'm very wary about him bringing in a relationship with someone who could bring more volatility into my life.

I know you're right, that age isn't a guarantee of immaturity, but I just think the odds are better. I found 20-somethings to be very fun, and it can be cool to experience their impulsivity, and their wonder about the world, but ultimately, there were just areas where they could not relate to me, nor I to them. It limited our relationships, ultimately.

 

[pftsh]

Also, I appreciate all the time you're putting into this. I'm open to other views and examining where I may be experiencing an unfair bias.

 

[Magdlyn]

Sorry, I should've given more details about the meta. BTW, I did designate names for my bf and the younger girl, who isn't YET a meta. I'm still not sure what she is, because he tells me different contradictory things about her. Let's call her a friend he messes around with, I guess.

Biff is my BF and Tiffany is the much younger woman.

Okay, I edited my post (and yours just previous) to add all the names for clarity.

You introduced one more character, your other male partner (who seems to be Kate's husband?). What should we call him? Steve?

So, yeah, Kate wanted to keep it a secret, because she was afraid our two partners would put pressure on her about the meeting.

I don't get it. It's not how I operate. I did want to meet her. Biff wanted me to meet her. My other partner (Kate's husband. "Steve") wanted me to meet her. It was a BIG deal. She's never met a meta before. My bf (Steve?) had a prior girlfriend who kept begging to meet her, and she always said no.

So she texted me, saying, let's meet, but please don't tell the guys, as they get excited about things and might pressure me. I said ok because I was just so happy she wanted to meet. I figured we'd meet pretty soon after that, so it's not like I had to hide it for too long. Then it dragged out to 3 weeks before I heard from her again.

When first we practice to deceive...

Then it was 3 days before our meeting. Biff and I had our shared time, and he was in a bad mood, and he and Kate had been arguing for several days. He seemed like he was ready to be done. I was sympathetic to Kate, and wanted to show him that she was really putting a huge effort into the relationship. After all, she was taking a big step meeting me. That's why I told him, to try to help. He promised he wouldn't let her know that I told him. I know, it's kind of ridiculous to offload the secret onto him. I see that now. But I didn't like carrying it for that long, myself.

He accidentally said something that clued Kate into me spilling the beans. It took a few days to sort it out, and in the meantime, I felt absolutely horrible. I betrayed her trust. But at the same time I don't like that she put me in that position. I know, I know, I should not have gotten involved in their relationship, but I did give Biff helpful advice, that basically helped save their relationship, and they're gonna get into couple's counseling (which was my suggestion).

Okay, so all that stupid drama was centered around a woman your age, proving that age in years does not equal emotional maturity. You and Kate both decided to lie, to avoid "pressure" from your men.

Yeah, you shouldn't have been getting involved in their relationship, or taking credit for urging them to get couple's counseling. It seems like your and their boundaries are pretty porous. And the ethics are quite sketchy. Good polyamory is ethical, which would include no lying.

And no, it didn't involve Tiffany (who's not yet a meta, just to be clear), at all. It's just an example of where meta dynamics spilled over onto me, and why I'm very wary about him bringing on a relationship with someone who could bring more volatility into my life.

You don't know if Tiffany is going to be more dramatic than Kate, just because of her age. You do know that Kate is dishonest, that Biff is dishonest, and that you are also guilty of lying, yourself.

I know you're right, that age isn't a guarantee of immaturity, but I just think the odds are better. I found 20-somethings to be very fun, and it can be cool to experience their impulsivity, and their wonder about the world, but ultimately, there were just areas where they could not relate to me, nor I to them. It limited our relationships, ultimately.

Well, that was your experience, that there were: "Areas where you could not relate" to a 20-something. Perhaps Biff and Tiffany have plenty of areas where they can relate. Maybe she's even more honest than Biff. (Not all 20-somethings are liars).

 

[pftsh]

You raise very good points. Thank you.

Touche, about the other meta's need for secrecy causing drama. Biff doesn't even see it that way, I guess because he's love-blind. If it were me, I'd have a big problem with my partner wanting to hide something from me.

Yeah, let's call the other partner Steve. I like Steve a lot. Steve is very WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get). I like to think I am, too. He's fun to be with. Me, Steve and Biff had a great dynamic, and the 3 of us really hoped Kate would get on board. We dreamt of taking vacations together. All kinds of fun things.

I actually have a date with him tonight. Every date, he asks, "How are things with Biff?" And up to this point I've been able to say, things are great. I don't feel I can't discuss this with him, and he might have been affected by the "secrets" thing of last week.

I've had open r'ships before, but what drew me to poly was this idea of a community, a support network. Instead, I feel all I'm getting is time spent from focusing on myself and my work. It's very hard. I'm basically single poly, taking care of myself on my own, and I have for years.

I read tons of stuff, and discomfort with your partner dating someone much younger seems to be pretty common. The consensus seems to be that you either work it out, if it's an insecurity thing (which I feel is a bit unfair, putting the load on the person with the discomfort), or you walk.

I love him very much, so I've been willing to do this work. But I kinda want to focus on myself right now. This is too much stress.

Tiffany might be absolutely great. But other than my niece, I don't find many 20seomthings that I don't wanna gouge my eyes out after spending more than 10 minutes with them. I'm still friends with a couple of the exes I dated in their 20s, but they're in their THIRTIES now. Biff has met one of them. He was happy I was seeing someone closer to my own age. He's now seeing someone closer to HIS own age.

 

[pftsh]

BTW, Biff owns businesses where he has 20-somethings working for him. They know me as his girlfriend, and they're all very sweet and nice to me... but even still, I feel this sort of wall between us. It's like, "I'll be cool with you while you're here in my workplace, but I wouldn't go out of my way to hang out with you." I just feel it. Y'know? When I was in my 20s, I wouldn't have gravitated to hanging out with someone in their 50s, either. We were at a going-away party for one of them, a very sweet girl in her 20s or maybe early 30s. She was moving out of country to be with her bf. I did not get some of her cultural references, so the conversation was a bit awkward. I tried to just talk about where she was moving to and all that. I am very openminded about a lot of things. When I dated guys in their 20s, I liked learning from them. But I feel I'm out of that phase now. There's just too much of a disparity in cultural frames of reference, life experience, where we are both at.

 

[Magdlyn]

I get what you're saying. I sat down over the weekend and did an inventory. I've been lied to by nearly everyone I've been in a relationship with. Lied to, abused, etc. Age had nothing to do with that.

I see you extensively edited this post and added more info.

I will add tho-- Your current partners aren't in their 20s. I've had roommates in their 20s and bfs in their 20s. And hookups in their 20s. I'm 56 now. I really don't want that drama in my life. They brought a LOT of drama in my life.

Over 30? Cool. Fine.

Also, Tiffany is closer to his son's age than his age.

I would always get into liasons with 20-somethings, knowing it wouldn't be wise to be in a relationship, and then... it would turn into a relationship. And they didn't know what they wanted. They weren't settled. They were living with their parents and thought they couldn't give me what I needed. They loved me one minute and two weeks later broke up with me. One was an alcoholic in denial.

Okay, so lots of younger people party too much for your taste. I guess you want a bf who doesn't like to party, whether he's 26 or 56. What if he had a younger (or older) gf who liked to party, but he didn't party with her, she went and partied with her other friends or partner(s)? Maybe that would be okay.

Party party party all the time was fun in my 40s. I do not have the energy for it now that I'm 56. I'm closer to 60 than 50. I'd kinda like some calm. My bf is 53 and still parties quite a bit.

So, there you go. He's older and still likes to party-- one more reason you're not compatible.

And yeah, I'm salty still that he wasn't forthcoming about her, and I can't help but wonder if that's because of her age. He's given me so many different stories about her. "She's not important to me." "It's an ego boost." "I'm not even that attracted to her" to where my head is so muddled, I can't even think straight, nor figure out if I can trust him, though I want to.

But when I saw him texting her in the imessages that popped up while I was working on his computer, yes, I was upset that yet again, she's distracting him from me (or he's LETTING her, I should say), but also projecting out-- omg, what if this turns into a relationship?

And it really forced me to think about how I would handle my partner dating someone that young. I had a literally visceral reaction of wanting to be sick.

I have a niece in her mid-20s. I love her. And we have great conversations. She's really mature. Would I want to go party with her and her friends? No way. Would I be ok with my bf in a relationship with her? Nope!

And here is that party factor again. Plus, you have a messy list, which includes: don't date my niece.

There's a lot that goes into it. The power imbalance. Financial imbalance. Horror stories I've seen and heard and lived.

Right.

All the pressure that society puts on aging women. I look a lot younger. I have 20-something guys hitting on me a lot. That's not gonna last forever. I'm fighting off aging as much as I can, but one day it's gonna catch up with me. Do I really want to deal with the expectation my bf may develop from being with a 20-something year old body, as I continue to show more signs of age?

Hmm, I think your 50-something bf knows what 50 or 60-something women look like and might appreciate your beauty at any age. I assume Kate is close to your age.

BTW, my partners both drink a bit and smoke some weed, but they don't wildly "party." I drink and smoke less often than they do, but it's just because substances affect me differently (not as pleasantly) as they once did. My partners' use of substances isn't so overdone as to make them act stupid in any way. My bf Aries does go to raves with friends once in a while, but he doesn't even drink when he goes, just vapes cannabis as usual. I appreciate that he can go to raves with the younger crowd, but enjoy other pursuits with me.

BTW, question: you're in a quad with Biff+you, Biff+Kate, and you+(Kate's husband) Steve, right? Are Kate and Biff dating (uncomfortably) just so you and Steve can date?

I'm proud of my age and experience and the fact that I've survived this long. I've had friends die along the way. I want someone who appreciates that and isn't looking for a perfect body. That's above and beyond an insecurity issue. That's a socialization thing.

So, you want to date people who have experienced more of life's ups and downs, including having had people close to them pass away. Fair enough. My 32-year-old bf Aries lost his mom when he was four, and his gf prior to me died after they had been together just three years. Young people can lose loved ones too. He and I did bond around that when we started dating, because he'd just lost a partner, and I'd just lost my sister.

It's just so disheartening that so many men want that, but I get it. It's biology.

Well, women can enjoy younger lovers too. It's kind of old-fashioned to think only older men like younger women. Older women can like younger men for the same reasons. I have a strong libido, so I really appreciate my young man's libido. In fact, studies are showing that young men + women over 40 are great matches sexually, even better than women and men of the same age. The idea is that women's sexuality blossoms at 40, once they learn to understand and love themselves more, and have less estrogen dipping their libidos every month. And younger men have more testosterone than older men, so can match older women's libidos pretty well.

Even still, I know I wouldn't have a problem if it was just casual sex. I even asked him why he doesn't just have sex with her and get it over with, and he said he didn't want to. I think him telling me it's about an ego boost with her could be the main reason. But that feels so sad. I wish he got an ego boost from being in serious relationships with 2 beautiful, wonderful over 40 yr olds :/

Maybe he does, though.

I know other things are compounding it. Holiday stress--this is my least favorite time of year.

And last week, we had drama with my meta, Kate. Long story short, she balked for 8 months about meeting me. She finally got my number from her husband (who is my 2nd partner), and contacted me wanting to meet, but get this. I HAD TO HIDE IT FROM BOTH OF MY PARTNERS.

Well, that blew up in my face. I hid it for 3 weeks, until Biff was upset on our last date, because he and Kate were arguing. I thought it might be helpful to tell him we were meeting to cheer him up. I only had three more days left, so I couldn't figure out the harm. Well, he accidentally spilled the beans to her.

That made ME look like a jerk who can't be trusted. And we were developing a nice polycule.

Yes, it was a jerk move on your part. Suggestion: maybe one reason you're always lied to is because you're willing to lie, as well?

I was really excited because I have poly friends who have KTP, and I'd really like that kind of relationship. My bf (Steve?) said he would, too, when we first started seeing each other.

I hate secrets. I hate dishonesty. I hate a lack of transparency.

So why lie, yourself? You could try being scrupulously true to yourself, and to others.

And I've dealt with way too much of it with Kate and Tiffany, who are the only 2 other people he's seeing.

Right now, Biff is trying to tell me he's not really likely to get into a relationship with someone that young. He just wants me to say it's okay. And if I did, I would be untrue to myself. :/

 

[pftsh]

Nope. I don't get lied to because "I'm willing to lie, myself." That is not something I would have ever done, nor have I done anything like this in the past. The last time I cheated on a partner or lied to them, *I* was in my 20s. College age.

And no, Biff and Kate don't have anything to do with me and Steve dating. Biff and Kate have been together 3 years. I met Steve and we hit it off and developed an attraction, and I made 1000 percent sure Biff and Kate were both cool with it.

I did tell her, BTW, that I felt uncomfortable hiding information from both my partners like that. But THAT was the condition under which she was willing to meet. She made it conditional upon me hiding it.

I suppose I could've said, "No, I'm sorry, I can't keep that secret for you." I guess that's what I should've done. Then the ball would've been in her court to decide, "Well, I can't meet you then." Shoulda coulda woulda. Biff feels I make too much of a big deal of all that. Nobody got hurt. Nobody died. Let it go.

 

[pftsh]

And sorry for the editing. I'm a writer. I tend to to do that. Thoughts I think I should add pop up constantly lol

 

[Magdlyn]

And btw, Biff owns businesses where he has 20somethings working for him. They know me as his girlfriend, and they're all very sweet and nice to me..but even still, I feel this sort of wall between us. It's like, "I'll be cool with you while you're here in my workplace, but I wouldn't go out of my way to hang out with you." I just feel it. Yknow?

Okay, fine. No one is asking you to hang out with Biff's younger coworkers.

When I was in my 20s, I wouldn't have gravitated to hanging out w someone in their 50s either.

Some 20somethings are open to having friends of all ages! I have a lot of younger friends, from their 20s to their 50s.

We were at a going away party for one of them, a very sweet girl in her 20s or maybe early 30s, who was moving out of country to be with her bf. I did not get some of her cultural references, so the conversation was a bit awkward. I tried to just talk about where she was moving to and all that. I am very open minded about a lot of things. When I dated guys in their 20s, I liked learning from them. But I feel I'm out of that phase now. There's just too much of a disparity in cultural frames of reference, life experience, where we are both at.

I hear that you don't want to keep up with modern youth culture, yet you want KTP, so you don't want a boyfriend with a younger gf, because you can't be bothered to keep up with youth culture anymore. That's fair.