Age gaps.

Young people as partners/metamours.


  • Total voters
    12

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Well-known member
So here's what happened.

Spot (aged 52) started dating Patch (aged 47). Seemed very compatible. Both with busy poly networks.

Patch speaks of one of their partners, Dot, often. Dot sounds great. All positive.

On about date 5, Patch reveals that Dot is 24. Wasn't hiding it. Didn't think it's a big deal. Nobody else seems to.

Spot decides that everything they've heard and seen so far has been positive so maybe hold off on the judgement.

Spot meets Dot and they're a lovely person. They spend time altogether but things bother Spot that doesn't seem to bother Dot or Patch. One of the things being Dot being mistaken for the child of Spot and Patch.

Spot tries but intimately decides they can't have such young people in close proximity to their intimate relationships. It just feels wrong. Spot breaks it off with Patch after letting things tail off quietly. Doesn't raise the issue of age gaps but certainly will try and screen for this going forward. Even when it seems not to have ethical issues per se, it still feels uncomfortable.

Just wondering how others feel about age. Age gaps. Whether it changes between partners and metamours.

Thought the poll would help people expand on their answers.
 
I don't have any problem with age gaps, but anyone can refuse to date anyone for any reason. No one is required to date someone just to prove how open-minded or not-bigoted they are about the other people the other person dates.
 
I read this twice because at first I thought Spot & Patch were long-term involved and Dot (age 24) was a new partner, but it actually sounds like Dot & Patch are the established relationship and Spot has only started dating Patch recently.

In that case, it seems perfectly reasonable for Spot to decide that things with Patch won't work for them (Spot) and to end it sooner rather than later.

I personally wouldn't want to be mistaken for the mom of my metamour. Seems awkward and would make me feel unnecessarily old.

Although I would solve that by just doing my usual parallel poly instead of kitchen table poly everyone hanging out together.

But, if I meet a new person who is about my age and they have a much younger partner, that might indeed give me pause. If the new person doesn't think a 20-year age-gap is significant enough to remark on right away, that might also seem odd to me. If the age-gap relationship seems to be a serious long-term life partnership (rather than just some hot sex with a fun and consensual power dynamic), that might give me further pause. At least, I would have a lot of questions and would certainly be hesitant to become life partners in a situation where I'd have a lifelong metamour almost 30 years younger then me.

The thing about age-gaps in poly is that a) the partners might be fine with the gap, but the metamour(s) have no choice about it, and b) even a reasonable age-gap between partners could result in an awkward age-gap between the metamours.

I am 5 years older than my partner. He is dating a new partner 5 years younger than him. No big deal, totally reasonable age-gaps...

...Except I do have some issues about my metamour being 10 years younger than me. Like, my own issues to figure out and deal with. Mostly centered around the fact that I've recently started to feel middle-aged, health-wise and looks-wise. Found my first gray hair. Feel like my face looks older than it used to. Missing my 24-year-old body. Feeling like I'm not where I thought I'd be, career-wise and financially, at this age. Normal stuff for turning 42.

Normal, but having a 32-year-old metamour is going to shine a light right on it, yeah? (And nothing to do with her in reality; she seems awesome!)

What if she were 22 or 24? Would that play on my insecurities even more? Probably. Except my partner wouldn't be comfortable dating someone that much younger than him (so I can understand why Spot had concerns about Patch). Although, I have less of an issue with casual / short-term age-gap relationships.

The most fun I ever had in my life was absolutely a casual sexual relationship I had with a 42-year-old guy when I was 24. The sex was hot. The guy was not a terrible human, especially compared to my college ex-boyfriends (although I could definitely see why women his own age didn't have much patience for him). I learned a lot and remember it fondly. So I don't fault other people for large age-gaps, per se.

But also. When I was 21, my boyfriend was 7 years older than me. The age gap didn't bother me at the time (in retrospect, it should have). His other partner was 8 years older than him, which didn't bother him. But I found it super intimidating to have a 36-year-old metamour in my first poly relationship. Both of them turned out to be emotionally abusive, too, and the power dynamics became very weird. They definitely both took advantage of my inexperience to pull some strange poly shit.

So, I think Spot's choice makes sense.

Although I wonder if there are also gender dynamics missing in the gender-neutral version as related above. On first reading, I assumed Spot and Dot are both women, and Patch is male. But their genders are actually not mentioned at all. Would knowing their genders change anything, I wonder?
 
My wife (now deceased) was 24 years older than me, more than twice my age when we married each other. I freaked out a little over the age gap initially, but about a month later decided there was nothing to freak about. My wife (then wife-to-be) said, "I think you're older than me." Long story short, the age gap didn't stop us from entering into a long, loving marriage.

If someone else withdraws from a relationship due to age concerns, I do not object to that. It's their business. I just personally don't take much stock in age gaps.
 
I think that age gaps are okay if people are honest about their individual levels of maturity. Often, we like to believe young people are more mature than they actually are, which can lead to misunderstandings and conflict. In the same vein, being around younger energy can help keep you young and lively and offer new perspectives and opportunities.
 
I read this twice because at first I thought Spot & Patch were long-term involved and Dot (age 24) was a new partner, but it actually sounds like Dot & Patch are the established relationship and Spot has only started dating Patch recently.

In that case, it seems perfectly reasonable for Spot to decide that things with Patch won't work for them (Spot) and to end it sooner rather than later.

I personally wouldn't want to be mistaken for the mom of my metamour. Seems awkward and would make me feel unnecessarily old.

Although I would solve that by just doing my usual parallel poly instead of kitchen table poly everyone hanging out together.

But, if I meet a new person who is about my age and they have a much younger partner, that might indeed give me pause. If the new person doesn't think a 20-year age-gap is significant enough to remark on right away, that might also seem odd to me. If the age-gap relationship seems to be a serious long-term life partnership (rather than just some hot sex with a fun and consensual power dynamic), that might give me further pause. At least, I would have a lot of questions and would certainly be hesitant to become life partners in a situation where I'd have a lifelong metamour almost 30 years younger then me.

The thing about age-gaps in poly is that a) the partners might be fine with the gap, but the metamour(s) have no choice about it, and b) even a reasonable age-gap between partners could result in an awkward age-gap between the metamours.

I am 5 years older than my partner. He is dating a new partner 5 years younger than him. No big deal, totally reasonable age-gaps...

...Except I do have some issues about my metamour being 10 years younger than me. Like, my own issues to figure out and deal with. Mostly centered around the fact that I've recently started to feel middle-aged, health-wise and looks-wise. Found my first gray hair. Feel like my face looks older than it used to. Missing my 24-year-old body. Feeling like I'm not where I thought I'd be, career-wise and financially, at this age. Normal stuff for turning 42.

Normal, but having a 32-year-old metamour is going to shine a light right on it, yeah? (And nothing to do with her in reality; she seems awesome!)

What if she were 22 or 24? Would that play on my insecurities even more? Probably. Except my partner wouldn't be comfortable dating someone that much younger than him (so I can understand why Spot had concerns about Patch). Although, I have less of an issue with casual / short-term age-gap relationships.

The most fun I ever had in my life was absolutely a casual sexual relationship I had with a 42-year-old guy when I was 24. The sex was hot. The guy was not a terrible human, especially compared to my college ex-boyfriends (although I could definitely see why women his own age didn't have much patience for him). I learned a lot and remember it fondly. So I don't fault other people for large age-gaps, per se.

But also. When I was 21, my boyfriend was 7 years older than me. The age gap didn't bother me at the time (in retrospect, it should have). His other partner was 8 years older than him, which didn't bother him. But I found it super intimidating to have a 36-year-old metamour in my first poly relationship. Both of them turned out to be emotionally abusive, too, and the power dynamics became very weird. They definitely both took advantage of my inexperience to pull some strange poly shit.

So, I think Spot's choice makes sense.

Although I wonder if there are also gender dynamics missing in the gender-neutral version as related above. On first reading, I assumed Spot and Dot are both women, and Patch is male. But their genders are actually not mentioned at all. Would knowing their genders change anything, I wonder?

Yes I left out the genders. It is as you expect with Dot and Spot are both women. I'm also unsure if gender would change how anyone felt about it. I can't imagine dating a person my age who had a young boyfriend.
 
I read this twice because at first I thought Spot & Patch were long-term involved and Dot (age 24) was a new partner, but it actually sounds like Dot & Patch are the established relationship and Spot has only started dating Patch recently.
Yes, I was confused at first, as well!
In that case, it seems perfectly reasonable for Spot to decide that things with Patch won't work for them (Spot) and to end it sooner rather than later. I personally wouldn't want to be mistaken for the mom of my metamour. Seems awkward and would make me feel unnecessarily old. Although I would solve that by just doing my usual parallel poly instead of kitchen table poly everyone hanging out together.
Of course. There is no need to go about town as a threesome. If you wanted to do KTP you could literally do it in the kitchen and not risk the fear of being seen by judgmental people out in the world.
But, if I meet a new person who is about my age and they have a much younger partner, that might indeed give me pause. If the new person doesn't think a 20-year age-gap is significant enough to remark on right away, that might also seem odd to me. If the age-gap relationship seems to be a serious long-term life partnership (rather than just some hot sex with a fun and consensual power dynamic), that might give me further pause. At least, I would have a lot of questions and would certainly be hesitant to become life partners in a situation where I'd have a lifelong metamour almost 30 years younger then me.

The thing about age-gaps in poly is that a) the partners might be fine with the gap, but the metamour(s) have no choice about it, and b) even a reasonable age-gap between partners could result in an awkward age-gap between the metamours.

I am 5 years older than my partner. He is dating a new partner 5 years younger than him. No big deal, totally reasonable age-gaps...

...Except I do have some issues about my metamour being 10 years younger than me. Like, my own issues to figure out and deal with. Mostly centered around the fact that I've recently started to feel middle-aged, health-wise and looks-wise. Found my first gray hair. Feel like my face looks older than it used to. Missing my 24-year-old body. Feeling like I'm not where I thought I'd be, career-wise and financially, at this age. Normal stuff for turning 42.

Normal, but having a 32-year-old metamour is going to shine a light right on it, yeah? (And nothing to do with her in reality; she seems awesome!)
I guess this is normal for some? However, many people (women) seem to get more self-confident in their 40s. You're still relatively young and fit, active, energetic. (Try being over 60 haha) There is no need to compare your looks to any woman 20 years younger than you, not if you're aging like a fine wine, taking good care of yourself, etc. Remember, your younger meta might feel intimidated by your experience, higher earning bracket, better wardrobe, etc., etc.!

Personally, I didn't think I'd be such a hot commodity at 53 when I got divorced and put myself on the market on OK Cupid 14 years ago. I had men of all ages hitting on me, from 21-70. My age meant nothing to them, apparently, or it made me even more attractive, to those that liked the looks, experience and attitude of a confident mature woman.

I dated people of all ages. I actually hooked up with my present female partner almost right away. She is 22 years my junior and we have a ton in common. Our age difference is actually a benefit in many ways. (She handles the tech stuff I struggle with, to name one thing.) Yes, she is sometimes mistaken for my daughter by people not in the know. We don't give a shit. We just think it's funny.

My current bf is even younger than Pixi and we've been together 18 months and going strong. I guess I'm kinda young at heart? Interested and involved in life. And I'm geeky and date geeky people. I never avoided dating people more my age, but I was often disappointed by their stodginess.

I really appreciate my younger bf's strong muscles, high energy and, tbh, strong libido.
What if she were 22 or 24? Would that play on my insecurities even more? Probably. Except my partner wouldn't be comfortable dating someone that much younger than him (so I can understand why Spot had concerns about Patch). Although, I have less of an issue with casual / short-term age-gap relationships.

The most fun I ever had in my life was absolutely a casual sexual relationship I had with a 42-year-old guy when I was 24. The sex was hot. The guy was not a terrible human, especially compared to my college ex-boyfriends (although I could definitely see why women his own age didn't have much patience for him). I learned a lot and remember it fondly. So I don't fault other people for large age-gaps, per se.
That's cool.
But also. When I was 21, my boyfriend was 7 years older than me. The age gap didn't bother me at the time (in retrospect, it should have). His other partner was 8 years older than him, which didn't bother him. But I found it super intimidating to have a 36-year-old metamour in my first poly relationship. Both of them turned out to be emotionally abusive, too, and the power dynamics became very weird. They definitely both took advantage of my inexperience to pull some strange poly shit.
I see a difference with a very young person, say under 30, dating someone 20 years older than themselves. You do worry about exploitation. But once you've been out in the world for a decade +, in my opinion, it doesn't have to matter that much.

I once read Ivana Trump (Donald's first wife) to say she'd rather be a babysitter than a nurse. Ha!
So, I think Spot's choice makes sense.

Although I wonder if there are also gender dynamics missing in the gender-neutral version as related above. On first reading, I assumed Spot and Dot are both women, and Patch is male. But their genders are actually not mentioned at all. Would knowing their genders change anything, I wonder?
I think it could. Since we live in a patriarchy, an older man dating a much younger woman has extra advantages: gender, experience, and possibly wealth. But an older woman dating a younger man, or another woman, has less privilege.
 
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My long term partner is 16 years younger than I am. I look about a decade younger than my actual age (yeah yeah...lots of people say it but seriously). As a result, no one ever thinks of her as my daughter. We look the same age, and she's over 30. However, we have been together for 10 years, which means at one point, she was pretty young. I was VERY hesitant to date her because of that. Oddly enough, she set me straight on it, and in truth other than some basic knowledge gaps (I know music from the 80s and early 90s better than she does, for example) it no longer comes up at all.

My secondary partner (I hate that term, but it's good shorthand I guess) is 12 years younger than I am, and thus a bit older than my LT partner. Her primary partner is older than I am by about 5 years. Such gaps are not uncommon. I don't notice it for the most part.

I think emotional maturity/matching is more critical than physical. There are 40 year olds who act like they are still in HS (emotionally, at least). There are people in their 20s who are quite mature, emotionally. So it all depends. I don't think the pure number matters much, UNLESS the person is under about 25. This is because most people that age are still developing and/or have inexperience in relationships. That can cause problems and should at least give us pause. I don't think I would date someone that age at this point, even though it worked out for me one time. I think it's rare for that to work. So the fact that Dot is 24 would give me pause. Would I break up with someone over it? I don't think so, but I can't be sure. I've never been in that situation.

Was it purely based on the optics of looking older (i.e. being mistaken as a parent)?
 
IMHO age means very little, its if all sides can handle the life style that is being lived.
for example, I would prefer another women closer to my age or younger because I would like (not need) to have more
children but there are also children that Mrs Maple and I already have. would an older person be able to live with a demonic 4yr old boy? (love him)

Me 39, logical mind would be going for a woman age 30-39 ish, sex drive mind that wants to have more children (love being a dad) 18-35

and before anyone starts, I love all aspects of being a dad, I have a step daughter from Mrs Maple that I treat the same as my bio children, I changed diapers and everything, I even run around and away from other family members when the children were babies so only I could hold them.

any ways, like I said, depends on your family dynamic, what works for you might not for someone else and there is nothing wrong with that.
 
When I was in my twenties, I dated a woman twice my age. I think we both knew it wasn't going to be forever, but we had such a great time together while it lasted. I still fondly reminisce about her sometimes.
My wife is four years younger than me - her girlfriend is much younger than us both. She was born the same year I graduated high school. I try not to think about it too much because it does disturb me a little bit.
It didn't bother me to sleep with a woman twice my age, why does it bother me to sleep with a woman more than half my age?
 
When I was in my twenties, I dated a woman twice my age. I think we both knew it wasn't going to be forever, but we had such a great time together while it lasted. I still fondly reminisce about her sometimes.
My wife is four years younger than me - her girlfriend is much younger than us both. She was born the same year I graduated high school. I try not to think about it too much because it does disturb me a little bit.
It didn't bother me to sleep with a woman twice my age, why does it bother me to sleep with a woman more than half my age?
Because in one, you're at risk of exploitation and the other you're at risk of exploiting a power imbalance. One you're the victim? The other you're the perp.
 
When I was in my twenties, I dated a woman twice my age. I think we both knew it wasn't going to be forever, but we had such a great time together while it lasted. I still fondly reminisce about her sometimes.
My wife is four years younger than me - her girlfriend is much younger than us both. She was born the same year I graduated high school. I try not to think about it too much because it does disturb me a little bit.
It didn't bother me to sleep with a woman twice my age, why does it bother me to sleep with a woman more than half my age?
How old is your potential gf, if you don't mind my asking? I agree that you might be exploiting her innocence if she's very young. Men naturally have more power than women in our patriarchal culture. Adding in a big age gap could be problematic.
 
How old is your potential gf, if you don't mind my asking? I agree that you might be exploiting her innocence if she's very young. Men naturally have more power than women in our patriarchal culture. Adding in a big age gap could be problematic.

She is 31 years old, but acts older. She's had some tough years that have aged her. I'm more worried about taking advantage of her need to be loved. She is feeling safe for the first time in I don't know how long. I need to know she has healed from her past before I can know if this is what she really wants.
 
Because in one, you're at risk of exploitation and the other you're at risk of exploiting a power imbalance. One you're the victim? The other you're the perp.

Maybe I'm the perp in both? When I met the older lady, she was fresh out of a divorce. I think the only other man she had ever been with was her ex husband.
I was out with friends from work when I saw her cross the room up to the bar. She was so beautiful, I had to go up to her. Lucky for me, I didn't have to try to pick her up - as soon as I took the spot next to her at the bar, she started flirting with me. A whirlwind romance started right there. What makes me the bad guy is that I was not ready to settle down - I was still in college. She fell in love, and wanted a partner. I loved her too, but couldn't give her the commitment she needed. But what a summer we had! I still think of her and regret that in the end, her feelings got hurt. I wasn't mature enough at the time to realize what I was doing.
 
Maybe I'm the perp in both? When I met the older lady, she was fresh out of a divorce. I think the only other man she had ever been with was her ex husband.
I was out with friends from work when I saw her cross the room up to the bar. She was so beautiful, I had to go up to her. Lucky for me, I didn't have to try to pick her up - as soon as I took the spot next to her at the bar, she started flirting with me. A whirlwind romance started right there. What makes me the bad guy is that I was not ready to settle down - I was still in college. She fell in love, and wanted a partner. I loved her too, but couldn't give her the commitment she needed. But what a summer we had! I still think of her and regret that in the end, her feelings got hurt. I wasn't mature enough at the time to realize what I was doing.
Do you know much about female child sex offenders? Many of them profess to being in very real love with their victims. They're totally different to male ones. They have different motivations.

I'm not calling her a pedophile. You were an adult - I'm just pointing out that many of these women view themselves as heartbroken victims of men and were already emotionally vulnerable when they "fell for" the victim. Not unlike this woman who was getting divorced and clung onto a toyboy.
 
Do you know much about female child sex offenders? Many of them profess to being in very real love with their victims. They're totally different to male ones. They have different motivations.

I'm not calling her a pedophile. You were an adult - I'm just pointing out that many of these women view themselves as heartbroken victims of men and were already emotionally vulnerable when they "fell for" the victim. Not unlike this woman who was getting divorced and clung onto a toyboy.

I didn't feel like a toyboy. We had a lot in common and enjoyed spending time together doing shared interests outside of anything intimate. Of course the intimacy was there too! There are things that a woman in her 40s knows that a 20-something doesn't. And when I went back to dating girls my own age, they were pleased with the skills I had learned.
 
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