Am I at an impasse?

S

SW1231

New member
I have come to some recent discoveries, in the last 24 hours, really, that I am having a difficult time processing. I am toying with the notion that I may not actually be polyamorous. I am in a triad, that has evolved so beautifully over the last 18 months. My husband, myself, and our female lover.
I do not want to be with anyone outside of these two people, unless it's something we all decided to participate in as a unit, which, outside of kinky play sessions, is nothing that would happen, in my opinion. I feel neither here nor there about it.
I have a difficult time feeling settled with her dating other people, it is making me feel horrible. Am I not as cool and open minded as I thought?
The thought of losing her is my nightmare. How do I become okay? How do I not let my sadness seep out of my pores? I am a sensitive, nurturing and empathetic woman, so I feel at odds with this part of me. I do not like it.
What do I do? I do not want to ruin this experience for her, but I am finding it hard to put on a happy face. I think it makes me really anxious.
She is not in love with anyone- she has someone in her life who is very experienced in the poly world. He is single at the moment. They are not bf/gf, it's not serious, as she tells it. This is the man that came into her life and we screwed up how to handle it.
I wish it could just be the three of us.
I am feeling real beat up right now.
:(
So, my question is, do I ask for DADT? Is that even appropriate? I don't want to internally combust each time I hear his name.
 
SW1231 said:
So, my question is, do I ask for DADT? Is that even appropriate? I don't want to internally combust each time I hear his name.
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It's always appropriate to designate what type of information you are and are not interested in hearing. Going DADT is kind of the nuclear option, in my opinion, but if limiting information that's coming to you sounds like a solution then it's something you need to take seriously.

However! It's possible that you are going the wrong direction. Have you met the person she's seeing? It sounds like there is a lack of information and your brain is creating scenarios in the absence of data. Mystery is rarely a component of security.
 
I have not met him. She does not think it would be appropriate to bring him around. My husband is super cool, but isn't asking to hang out with him, or anything.
If it was someone she felt really solid about, she probably would, but she's also expressed being weirded out by the fact that they met when she was by herself, so after talking and getting to know each other for so many months, to introduce him to us makes her uncomfortable.
 
SW1231 said:
I have not met him. She does not think it would be appropriate to bring him around. My husband is super cool, but isn't asking to hang out with him, or anything.
If it was someone she felt really solid about, she probably would, but she's also expressed being weirded out by the fact that they met when she was by herself, so after talking and getting to know each other for so many months, to introduce him to us makes her uncomfortable.
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I hear you, and I get that you are trying to be respectful to your partners feelings, but it might be a real solution to the issue you are experiencing. I recommend having a frank conversation with her about what you are going through and asking if you can meet them in an attempt to stop making yourself crazy.

Once we meet someone, our minds now have an actual image and impression. This can stop the maddening doomsday imagining that our creative brains seem to be so fond of.

That's my opinion anyway, I don't think you're suffering from too much connection to this unknown person, I think you're suffering from too little.
 
I agree with Marcus. Meeting the other partner may make a difference. When I was with Blue, meeting his other partners really helped me to not imagine the worst. It also made it easier for me to feel compassion and compersion towards them. I had a much more difficult time with Blue's partners that I didn't meet because I tended to catastrophize....and I felt much less compersion towards those relationships.

If that's not an option, another thing I did was to focus on my love for Blue and my desire for him to be happy and fulfilled...and then imagine the love, fulfillment, and joy those relationships brought Blue. I'd focus on feeling compassion for him and his partners during some of my meditations. It may sound hokey but it really did help...sometimes more than other times, but I always felt better afterwards.

As far as whether you're at an impasse, only you can decide that. I would suggest not rushing to any decision yet. Give yourself time to see how things unfold and how you feel as they unfold, before deciding.
 
I have always thought it strange- that I have never met him. I feel weird asking that, I'd think she'd want me to meet him, since they've had such an intense and extraordinary time together. It makes me sad, but there's not a lot I can do about that. Demanding it seems bossy, and requesting it because I think it will help me feel better, seems like another needy extension. She's not really into "processing", and I am an avid communicator. Impasse?
We were such close friends when we began our courtship, there have been so many of those aspects of our "relationship" that have disappeared, since beginning to date. She doesn't share as much of her personal life outside of husband and I, maybe because she thinks it will bother me? We can't really relate like the best of friends anymore. It's more than that now. I miss it, but I understand the evolution of things, respectfully.
I also try to keep in mind her role, her feelings, as she is the "added member" of our triad. I am trying to not be the dreaded unicorn hunter. That isn't how I see her. I also know that I am open to the idea that we could all three be in a committed triad together, as we "kind of" are. Well, I am, and my husband has no other lovers, outside the two of us, and he's not looking, he only has time for the two women he has, with his work load, our babies, etc.
 
Let me also side note:
I said she is not in love with anyone- outside of she and I. We are both very much in love with one another.
 
Dear SW1231, Your pain and hurt comes through clearly in your words. I imagine that fearing your loved one finding love elsewhere can be very distressful. Jealousy is difficult to manage.

One thing that might be helpful is asking your female partner what it is she really wants in life. Does she want children of her own? Does she feel she has been missing a voice as a secondary in your triad? Does she get introduced as "the girlfriend" or "the friend" to your families and does that make her feel like an imposter? Feeling like she doesn't really fit with you guys might make her feel like reconsidering her life choices. Does she long for a primary relationship of her own?

I suspect you've thought of all these issues already, but hope they have provided some help. Good luck.
 
Shaya said:
One thing that might be helpful is asking your female partner what it is she really wants in life. Does she want children of her own? Does she feel she has been missing a voice as a secondary in your triad? Does she get introduced as "the girlfriend" or "the friend" to your families and does that make her feel like an imposter? Feeling like she doesn't really fit with you guys might make her feel like reconsidering her life choices. Does she long for a primary relationship of her own?
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This is a great suggestion. She tried to have babies and was unsuccessful, and has given up on the prospect. Luckily, I believe in the "it takes a village" theory, and I have two daughters that not only adore her, she adores them. It is lovely to see. I have made it clear to her that I respect her role in their lives, and she is like a second mom to them.
We are out to the friends we see and hang with the most, but our families do not know. I am sure they suspect, but have never asked. I do not know how I feel about coming out to them, if I did, it would be after my baby sis' wedding in October. They can all fuck off after that. :)
But, yes, asking her how she feels about all those things is a great way to open up a dialogue. <3
 
SW1231 said:
I have always thought it strange- that I have never met him. I feel weird asking that, I'd think she'd want me to meet him, since they've had such an intense and extraordinary time together.
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You say she's not in love with anyone but you, but yet, she's had an "extraordinary and intense" time with this guy. Can you explain?

It makes me sad, but there's not a lot I can do about that. Demanding it seems bossy, and requesting it because I think it will help me feel better, seems like another needy extension. She's not really into "processing", and I am an avid communicator. Impasse?
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A simple request to meet her other sig. other is not "needy." You don't need to judge yourself so harshly.

If she's not into "processing" it's going to be a rocky poly road. Polyamory almost requires a lot of self awareness and excellent communication skills! I'd be extremely frustrated trying to have a relationship with someone who won't talk about their feelings, or hear and validate mine. It sounds like you 3 were in a bubble of NRE for a while, things were sexy and fun, and now that's over, gf has a bf and you feel threatened and fearful of losing her, and you're just totally at sea. It's time for the next stage of getting to know and trust each other!
We were such close friends when we began our courtship, there have been so many of those aspects of our "relationship" that have disappeared, since beginning to date. She doesn't share as much of her personal life outside of husband and I, maybe because she thinks it will bother me? We can't really relate like the best of friends anymore. It's more than that now. I miss it, but I understand the evolution of things, respectfully.
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It is very odd to me that you would feel that you'd become less close as friends the longer you've been together!

On the other hand, maybe you are referring to how much information she shares about her other bf. We all have different levels of what seems TMI. And w also have to think about respecting the privacy needs of the new partner. Is that what you are getting at? How much she wants to tell, and how much you can handle hearing, about her other bf?
I also try to keep in mind her role, her feelings, as she is the "added member" of our triad. I am trying to not be the dreaded unicorn hunter. That isn't how I see her. I also know that I am open to the idea that we could all three be in a committed triad together, as we "kind of" are. Well, I am, and my husband has no other lovers, outside the two of us, and he's not looking, he only has time for the two women he has, with his work load, our babies, etc.
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It sounds like you'd much prefer a poly-fi triad, whereas your gf wants a more open model. And you aren't getting reassurance from her that she isn't going to leave you for him.
 
Hi SW1231,

It sounds like you should have a heart-to-heart conversation with your female lover, find out how she feels about things. Maybe you'd be less worried you were going to lose her if she had an opportunity to air her feelings.

I also think Marcus had some great things to say ... DADT is perfectly fine, as long as you consider your other options first. Don't know if that helps, but such is my opinion.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
SW1231 said:
The thought of losing her is my nightmare.
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Hi SW,

Thanks for all the clarification. If I understand you correctly, you are in a V relationship with your husband and this other woman, with yourself as the hinge. I presume you are relatively new to polyamory and these are your only other relationships at present. Your female lover has found an experienced polyamorist and is gaining an interest in him. You are starting to feel jealous and fear the thought of losing a lover as evidenced in the text I quoted above.

Do you feel this is a jealousy issue? I found the following to be useful in understanding jealousy. Talking about jealousy with your female partner will be useful. I actually think talking about it in person with the 3 of you (you, your female partner, her experienced polyamorist male partner) will be most useful. He's experienced! He'll understand you totally! Probably been there himself a few times. Without knowing him personally, I would say he is unlikely to want to steal her from you. Such a thought comes from a monogamous worldview predicated on scarcity.

Kdt26417 had an awesome post with links to understanding and managing jealousy. I found the links to the theory and practice of jealousy management from morethantwo to actually be better than the book more than two.

I've also got my own post on jealousy, but the bias in my post is clear. I wrote it at a time when I was dealing with my own failure to do polyamory due to jealousy and was beating myself up about it. It's a more philosophical post and doesn't include much in the way of practical management.

Good luck, SW. Your lover loves you. If the two of you can understand jealousy and find a way around it, you may find your life enrichened by this new experienced polyamorist. Good luck. Let us know how you went and if we were helpful.
 
Something else to keep in mind is that all the happy NRE chemicals sloshing around your brain can take a toll over time. Especially if you are also under stress (like, say, taking care of small children) you should watch for emotional wipe outs. At least one of those chemicals, I have forgotten which, messes with your serotonin level. Both my SO and I ended up on anti-depressents after months of NRE mixed with stress. Your reaction to her behavior may be less calm when your brain chemistry is out of whack.

Leetah
 
I understand that you have anxiety about losing her. But from some of your comments, it does sound like she is in a sort of secondary place. You're out to friends but not family-- and you don't comment on whether she's out to her family. So she doesn't participate in the community status that a primary relationship has.

i know you don't see her as a unicorn, but maybe it might help to pay attention to that. You definitely don't want to be ignoring couple privilege, just because you don't want to face what it means-- that she has a lower status relationship. There's a lot to read out there about the proper care and feeding of unicorns, and that could give you insight to her needs.

And speaking as someone who has been in a lot of secondary relationships, and who has been a third to more than one couple... It's entirely possible that she might want something you can't give her. You can't give her the social status of a relationship-- even if you choose to come out to everyone, and even if she wants to be out to everyone, that won't bring status in a society that doesn't understand poly. It's unlikely that you're on the path to co-mingle finances, put her on the house deed, and set her up a beneficiary of your estate ahead of your children. She's not likely to get legal protection.

And I think that's something you already know. So you start feeling clingy. That's not a good impulse.

If she decided she wants something you can't give her, there's really not a thing you can do about it. This isn't something you can control.

But you can talk to her about what she does want. You can make sure that you know her needs, and that you're doing what you can to contribute to a fulfilling relationship for her.
 
Yes, you are correct, Magdlyn...
It was more regarding our ability to comfortable have coffee talk about our sexual endeavors, the TMI, etc. We are like hens, usually, and will sit, and laugh and chat about everything, but that became hard for me. I didn't like how I felt when I heard about her experiencing these things with other people.
And, yes, I feel poly-fi. And after much discussion this weekend, she is feeling that way, too, but was having difficulty with the very real fear of being the person added to, and all that comes with that.
We are in the process of really thinking about what we want, in our lives, and with one another. I feel like I would like to be with her until I am old and bitter. HAHA!!! I feel that way about my husband, as well. He feels that way about me, as we have children together.
If we could legally secure her, I would be all for it. I know that is a very real fear. She has a great career, and savings, and such. Husband is also planning to move her to his company next year, as she wants to wait until she's vested with her current job. So, we are all seemingly in the same boat as far as commitment to one another, as a team.
I really want to do it the right way. <3
 
Becca said:
i know you don't see her as a unicorn, but maybe it might help to pay attention to that. You definitely don't want to be ignoring couple privilege, just because you don't want to face what it means-- that she has a lower status relationship. There's a lot to read out there about the proper care and feeding of unicorns, and that could give you insight to her needs.

And speaking as someone who has been in a lot of secondary relationships, and who has been a third to more than one couple... It's entirely possible that she might want something you can't give her. You can't give her the social status of a relationship-- even if you choose to come out to everyone, and even if she wants to be out to everyone, that won't bring status in a society that doesn't understand poly. It's unlikely that you're on the path to co-mingle finances, put her on the house deed, and set her up a beneficiary of your estate ahead of your children. She's not likely to get legal protection.

.
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I understand and appreciate this insight, thank you. We are keeping these things in mind. Husband is an incredible man, and has done things, in his way, to make her feel safe and secure. He has shared with her, on his own, that she always has a place here, in our family. She has a room in our home. We try to host her upstairs on a very regular basis, and do things to ensure our little ones are kept in the dark about things- doors lock!!
She is also planning on moving to husband's company next year. So, I think we're making an effort to make sure she knows that she is valued, and seen as someone who isn't necessarily secondary- although I understand the power of that fear. I want her to feel welcomed, and wanted, and safe.
 
SW1231 said:
I understand and appreciate this insight, thank you. We are keeping these things in mind. Husband is an incredible man, and has done things, in his way, to make her feel safe and secure. He has shared with her, on his own, that she always has a place here, in our family. She has a room in our home. We try to host her upstairs on a very regular basis, and do things to ensure our little ones are kept in the dark about things- doors lock!!
She is also planning on moving to husband's company next year. So, I think we're making an effort to make sure she knows that she is valued, and seen as someone who isn't necessarily secondary- although I understand the power of that fear. I want her to feel welcomed, and wanted, and safe.
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I realize that you and your husband's intentions are good and you want to be helpful, welcoming and safe for her.

But have you considered that these actions may be having the opposite effect? She's welcome in *your* home, your relationship with her is a secret from your children, she will be working at your husband's company soon.

Can you see how this may come across as controlling, as taking steps to keep her hidden, financially dependent and within an environment you control (i.e. your home). I do not believe that this is what you and your husband intend at all. But can you see how the actions you are taking to reassure her may be having the opposite effect? You cannot offer her safety. You are legally married couple with all of the privileges and advantages that entails. You can't marry her. You two are operating as a unit while she is alone. Yes, you want the best for her but there are things you cannot provide for her, at least not without some major reshaping of your thinking, of your relationship with your husband, of just about everything in your life.

This reads harsh. I do think you have much to offer her. But safety isn't one of them and I think she knows that and is reacting accordingly, unconsciously or consciously. Perhaps instead of safety, you offer her joy, love, freedom. You know that old adage, 'set free what you love and it will come back to you'? Try that. Be with her, love her. But stop offering a safety and comfort you can't provide, not without (unconsciously) demanding major sacrifices of her independence, autonomy and freedom.
 
I have to agree with opalescent, love, joy, and freedom are the things you can offer her. All relationships are a risk!
 
opalescent said:
I realize that you and your husband's intentions are good and you want to be helpful, welcoming and safe for her.

But have you considered that these actions may be having the opposite effect? She's welcome in *your* home, your relationship with her is a secret from your children, she will be working at your husband's company soon.

Can you see how this may come across as controlling, as taking steps to keep her hidden, financially dependent and within an environment you control (i.e. your home). I do not believe that this is what you and your husband intend at all. But can you see how the actions you are taking to reassure her may be having the opposite effect? You cannot offer her safety. You are legally married couple with all of the privileges and advantages that entails. You can't marry her. You two are operating as a unit while she is alone. Yes, you want the best for her but there are things you cannot provide for her, at least not without some major reshaping of your thinking, of your relationship with your husband, of just about everything in your life.

This reads harsh. I do think you have much to offer her. But safety isn't one of them and I think she knows that and is reacting accordingly, unconsciously or consciously. Perhaps instead of safety, you offer her joy, love, freedom. You know that old adage, 'set free what you love and it will come back to you'? Try that. Be with her, love her. But stop offering a safety and comfort you can't provide, not without (unconsciously) demanding major sacrifices of her independence, autonomy and freedom.
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Our member Bluebird has 2 husbands, that she just bought a house with. All 3 own the house jointly. They have done legal stuff to make sure her non-legal husband has all the financial security, inheritances, hospital visitation, etc., that the legally married 2 have. They are also "out" to many of their friends and family. Their children know, but then they are young adults.

You can take legal steps to make your gf as much your legal partner as you and your husband are to each other.
 
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