My husband and I have been married for almost six years. From the very beginning of the relationship, we'd talked about not being monogamous. The type of open relationship we've lead has morphed over time. Initially, we didn't look for anyone else, and we worked exclusively on our own relationship. I think we'd both agree that our ideal relationship format would be as a triad. Going into the relationship, I was the one who identified as Poly. He'd never really thought about it before, but was open to it.
With time, we've both gotten more comfortable with the idea that it doesn't have to be a mutual relationship for both of us. That each of us should be able to have partners outside the relationship if we want.
There's some things at play on my end, for sure. First, I have some serious self-esteem/confidence issues. I'm aware of them, and I've been working steadily on them with great improvements. Essentially these are of the "If he finds someone else, he'll love her more than me, and leave me" variety. I'm aware these thoughts aren't rational, but I've always had them, and we've both held off on outside relationships while I was working on these issues. Second, I was brought up in a very oppressive religion, and though I stopped attending over a decade ago, it did a lot of damage to my sexuality in terms of how comfortable I am around sex in general. It really, really sucks to love sex, to be kinky, to be a masochist, and yet to feel intense guilt after sex, and be extremely jumpy during the initiation of intimacy until I reach the point of 'too turned on to care'. Neither of these things was ever good for our sex life.
About two years ago, things took a really terrible shift in our marriage. My husband had a mental break of some kind. Out of the blue, he told me he wasn't happy. The way he phrased it, and my mental state at the time, made me feel like all of it was my fault and I'd messed up, and I made some serious changes in my behavior to try and make him happy. This really pulled the rug out from under me, though, and a lot of my work on my self-confidence was completely destroyed. A few months later, my husband said he was feeling better, and he loved me, didn't want me to worry, we'd be fine, etc. etc. Just a month after that, there was a night when he was sitting in bed on his computer, chatting with someone else--this had been happening basically every night for weeks, and I was starting to feel really neglected. He'd been complaining about our anemic sex life, and it was frustrating to feel like he was complaining about this when he wasn't giving us space to work on it. I was upset, and not quite ready to talk about it yet--I left the bedroom to go down and sit on the couch and think. When I came back, he was asleep. The next day when I got home from work and asked to talk to him about it, he asked for a divorce.
To make an already long story marginally shorter, he moved out of the bedroom. We stayed together. He said he didn't mean it and he wanted to work on things. Then he essentially ignored me for a year. I mean, really, really ignored me. Stayed in the other bedroom, sometimes didn't even come out to say hello to me when I got home from work, etc. During this time, he was working very part time and neglecting to turn in his hours, so he was making no money. I was working full time and supporting us both. It felt very much like the only reason he was saying he wanted to stay with me was because he couldn't financially support himself--without me, he'd be homeless. He doesn't have and has never had any close friends, and his family doesn't have the financial means to support him. During this time from hell, I caught him webcamming with another woman. This was a direct violation of the agreement we had--which was that if either of us wanted another partner, it needed to be a conversation with the other person.
There's some serious health and mental illness issues going on for him. He is seeing a therapist, a psychiatrist, and a neurologist (for his narcolepsy). About six months ago, I found out that he'd had a nearly obsessive friendship with someone going on, and she was taking up all of his time, essentially. As far as I know, it wasn't anything more than a friendship. She pulled away from him, and essentially started treating him exactly the same way he'd been treating me for a year. And that's when our relationship started to get better again. We actually spend time together now, playing video games, watching TV, working on the apartment, etc. The thing is that what we have right now is sort of like a friendship, and not even a close one at the moment. He rarely hugs me, we don't have deep conversations. I am desperately, horribly lonely for both emotional support and physical touch. I want to be able to see other people outside our marriage--that would be the case even if things were good between us, but it's especially the case now. I want to have friends, and potentially partners.
My husband is absolutely the gatekeeper on our lack of intimacy. We aren't intimate because he doesn't want to be. I'm willing, he is not ready. I have been working on my self-worth again, dealing with my own depression, and trying to improve my life and take responsibility for my own happiness. As part of this, I'm working on making some new friends, and finding community to spend time with. I am the sort who doesn't deal in absolutes, and with my familiarity with guilt (thanks, religion!) I like to have all the lines down from the very beginning so I know what the expectations and boundaries are. I have been specifically seeking friends who are poly. This is not necessarily because I want to have a romantic relationship with someone else right away, but more because I want to be around people I can be completely honest with. I also wanted to talk to my husband, though, readdress our limits/agreement and make sure I understood how he was feeling, just in case romantic feelings should arise in a new friendship.
He said he thought it was only fair if we had the same rules. I agree, but I feel like it would be extremely unfair to me for him to have other romantic partners right now. He is not romantic with me, and I am his primary partner. If he can't be intimate with me, but he wants to be intimate with someone else, I feel like that says something really not good about our 'relationship'. He thinks this is unfair, and I'm at a loss. Am I wrong to feel like, as his primary, he should be working on building an actual relationship with me before he builds with anyone else? Whereas, on my side, I am ready and able and trying to build and he is actively keeping me in pause because he doesn't feel ready. This is all really academic at this point, because he's not got any friends. But it would really bother me if I found out he was out trying to find a romantic relationship with someone else, under our current circumstances. At the same time, I feel like (given that I am willing and able to give any and all my energy to building our relationship, but he is not because he's working on his own health right now) I should be able to pursue whatever comes my way.
If our relationship were good right now, I'd have no issues with him seeing other people. But it's not good, and the ball is in his court and has been for months and months. I'm suppressing a lot of myself to meet his needs, and I cannot do that indefinitely.
He talks about things now like he plans on staying with me for the long haul. That said, I cannot stay in this marriage if I'm not allowed to get my needs met anywhere else, and he won't even touch me. I also don't feel like it's fair to hold it over his head that either he gets intimate with me soon, he lets me get intimate with someone else if I want to, or we get a divorce. I don't want to divorce him, I love him, but I deserve to feel loved in return and I want to be able to live a life, rather than waiting and waiting and waiting on the off chance that he eventually wants to be in a romantic relationship with me again.
I'm very confused and extremely lonely. I really hate that my first post here is a plea for help, but I really don't know where else to turn. I would love to talk to my therapist, but she's not versed in Poly relationships and issues even though she is supportive.
With time, we've both gotten more comfortable with the idea that it doesn't have to be a mutual relationship for both of us. That each of us should be able to have partners outside the relationship if we want.
There's some things at play on my end, for sure. First, I have some serious self-esteem/confidence issues. I'm aware of them, and I've been working steadily on them with great improvements. Essentially these are of the "If he finds someone else, he'll love her more than me, and leave me" variety. I'm aware these thoughts aren't rational, but I've always had them, and we've both held off on outside relationships while I was working on these issues. Second, I was brought up in a very oppressive religion, and though I stopped attending over a decade ago, it did a lot of damage to my sexuality in terms of how comfortable I am around sex in general. It really, really sucks to love sex, to be kinky, to be a masochist, and yet to feel intense guilt after sex, and be extremely jumpy during the initiation of intimacy until I reach the point of 'too turned on to care'. Neither of these things was ever good for our sex life.
About two years ago, things took a really terrible shift in our marriage. My husband had a mental break of some kind. Out of the blue, he told me he wasn't happy. The way he phrased it, and my mental state at the time, made me feel like all of it was my fault and I'd messed up, and I made some serious changes in my behavior to try and make him happy. This really pulled the rug out from under me, though, and a lot of my work on my self-confidence was completely destroyed. A few months later, my husband said he was feeling better, and he loved me, didn't want me to worry, we'd be fine, etc. etc. Just a month after that, there was a night when he was sitting in bed on his computer, chatting with someone else--this had been happening basically every night for weeks, and I was starting to feel really neglected. He'd been complaining about our anemic sex life, and it was frustrating to feel like he was complaining about this when he wasn't giving us space to work on it. I was upset, and not quite ready to talk about it yet--I left the bedroom to go down and sit on the couch and think. When I came back, he was asleep. The next day when I got home from work and asked to talk to him about it, he asked for a divorce.
To make an already long story marginally shorter, he moved out of the bedroom. We stayed together. He said he didn't mean it and he wanted to work on things. Then he essentially ignored me for a year. I mean, really, really ignored me. Stayed in the other bedroom, sometimes didn't even come out to say hello to me when I got home from work, etc. During this time, he was working very part time and neglecting to turn in his hours, so he was making no money. I was working full time and supporting us both. It felt very much like the only reason he was saying he wanted to stay with me was because he couldn't financially support himself--without me, he'd be homeless. He doesn't have and has never had any close friends, and his family doesn't have the financial means to support him. During this time from hell, I caught him webcamming with another woman. This was a direct violation of the agreement we had--which was that if either of us wanted another partner, it needed to be a conversation with the other person.
There's some serious health and mental illness issues going on for him. He is seeing a therapist, a psychiatrist, and a neurologist (for his narcolepsy). About six months ago, I found out that he'd had a nearly obsessive friendship with someone going on, and she was taking up all of his time, essentially. As far as I know, it wasn't anything more than a friendship. She pulled away from him, and essentially started treating him exactly the same way he'd been treating me for a year. And that's when our relationship started to get better again. We actually spend time together now, playing video games, watching TV, working on the apartment, etc. The thing is that what we have right now is sort of like a friendship, and not even a close one at the moment. He rarely hugs me, we don't have deep conversations. I am desperately, horribly lonely for both emotional support and physical touch. I want to be able to see other people outside our marriage--that would be the case even if things were good between us, but it's especially the case now. I want to have friends, and potentially partners.
My husband is absolutely the gatekeeper on our lack of intimacy. We aren't intimate because he doesn't want to be. I'm willing, he is not ready. I have been working on my self-worth again, dealing with my own depression, and trying to improve my life and take responsibility for my own happiness. As part of this, I'm working on making some new friends, and finding community to spend time with. I am the sort who doesn't deal in absolutes, and with my familiarity with guilt (thanks, religion!) I like to have all the lines down from the very beginning so I know what the expectations and boundaries are. I have been specifically seeking friends who are poly. This is not necessarily because I want to have a romantic relationship with someone else right away, but more because I want to be around people I can be completely honest with. I also wanted to talk to my husband, though, readdress our limits/agreement and make sure I understood how he was feeling, just in case romantic feelings should arise in a new friendship.
He said he thought it was only fair if we had the same rules. I agree, but I feel like it would be extremely unfair to me for him to have other romantic partners right now. He is not romantic with me, and I am his primary partner. If he can't be intimate with me, but he wants to be intimate with someone else, I feel like that says something really not good about our 'relationship'. He thinks this is unfair, and I'm at a loss. Am I wrong to feel like, as his primary, he should be working on building an actual relationship with me before he builds with anyone else? Whereas, on my side, I am ready and able and trying to build and he is actively keeping me in pause because he doesn't feel ready. This is all really academic at this point, because he's not got any friends. But it would really bother me if I found out he was out trying to find a romantic relationship with someone else, under our current circumstances. At the same time, I feel like (given that I am willing and able to give any and all my energy to building our relationship, but he is not because he's working on his own health right now) I should be able to pursue whatever comes my way.
If our relationship were good right now, I'd have no issues with him seeing other people. But it's not good, and the ball is in his court and has been for months and months. I'm suppressing a lot of myself to meet his needs, and I cannot do that indefinitely.
He talks about things now like he plans on staying with me for the long haul. That said, I cannot stay in this marriage if I'm not allowed to get my needs met anywhere else, and he won't even touch me. I also don't feel like it's fair to hold it over his head that either he gets intimate with me soon, he lets me get intimate with someone else if I want to, or we get a divorce. I don't want to divorce him, I love him, but I deserve to feel loved in return and I want to be able to live a life, rather than waiting and waiting and waiting on the off chance that he eventually wants to be in a romantic relationship with me again.
I'm very confused and extremely lonely. I really hate that my first post here is a plea for help, but I really don't know where else to turn. I would love to talk to my therapist, but she's not versed in Poly relationships and issues even though she is supportive.
