Am I Being Unreasonable?

Adonnenniel

New member
So, let me preface this with, I am brand new to this community, but not to kink or poly communities. I've been involved in a few poly families and other configurations, but never with a committed relationship involved. At least not in a fully consensual way, but that's a story for another time.
So my boyfriend, let's call him Jacob (all names have been changed) has been out of town for about a week. I have some trauma with long distance (see above story for another time) and this has been hard on me as it is, but I've been getting by. We've been communicating really well and he's been open about almost everything.
The "almost" is the problem.
Jacob and I have been together for almost a year now. We negotiated our relationship from the beginning as poly and have conducted it so the entire way, down to writing a contract to visibly outline our boundaries.
Unfortunately, on Thursday, one of the stipulations in the contract was broken.
Jacob and I had agreed that before either of us has sex with a person outside of us we'd let the other know. He had never failed to inform me before, so there has never been an issue.
Jacob, while he was visiting some friends, ended up having a threesome with our friends Kevin and Terri (actually the same ones I had my first group sex experience with, so I'm really fond of them and comfortable with them), and had let me know beforehand that it was happening. He even got video for me because we like to watch each other.
However, he didn't let me know that he and Terri were planning on fooling around the next day. I had gotten a picture from him on one of my breaks at work and had thought it was one from the night before because I had no clue this was planned. I later heard from Terri when we were chatting that she and Jacob had messed around just a half hour earlier.
I promptly messaged Jacob telling him that he had never notified me of these plans. After not hearing back from him for a while (and, honestly, freaking out a bit) he finally messaged me back saying that he thought he had mentioned it when we had talked on the phone the night before.
This wouldn't be as big a deal for me if I hadn't mentioned this exact thing as one of my biggest fears for things that could go wrong and he had assured me that it wouldn't. And "I forgot" is about as good an excuse as "I was drunk". Which means a piss poor one.
So, that leaves me with the fallout of the situation.
I know I don't want to leave him because this is the first time anything like this has happened, so it's not a pattern he regularly exhibits, and I just love the man too damned much not to give him another chance. But I'm not about to let my boundaries be trounced upon and just sit back and take it. I need some time to feel more secure in the relationship, because no matter if he meant to or not, my trust was broken and I'm hurt.
So, he comes home Saturday evening and we're planning on talking about what happened and how we're going to move forward.
Jacob has an affinity for quickly gathering several new partners (see: fuck buddies) in a very short span of time, which often has the effect of me feeling like my time isn't as important, especially when our plans get changed because one of his dates has to switch things around.
So, the solution that I think would be best for my state of mind and comfortability is for Jacob and I both to take a month where we don't add any new partners into the mix so I can feel secure in the stability of our relationship. This isn't closing it to other partners entirely, though that was my first thought when I was still extremely stung, as the current partners he has I know respect me and the relationship I have with Jacob, even if they don't necessarily think of how their changing plans may affect ours.
Jacob has a need for variety, and I don't want to ignore that need. However, he does have three other partners in town, so I don't think it's too much to ask him not to add any more unknowns into it.
Especially since I'm only going to ask for a month of this arrangement.
So, after reading this giant wall 'o text, does this seem an unreasonable response? I don't have many poly friends who aren't also friends with Jacob, so it's really hard to get an unbiased opinion on the subject.
 
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Yes I think you're being unreasonable. You're imposing consequenses to him forgetting to tell you like he's some kind of child.
 
There really is no good reason other than an attempt to control him for him to report to you that "I'm about to have sex with ...."
1. is it required because he needs to ask permission first?
2. is it a way to suck the spontaneity and sexiness out of the situation? In other words a passive aggressive way to sabotage it.
3. This rule is imposed a lot by swingers and new poly couples and often fails spectacularly.
4. It is far better to leave yourself out of their sex life otherwise it will cause resentment.
5. Doesn't his partner get some privacy between the two of them? I know I wouldn't like it if my wife announced it to a third party that we were about to have sex every single time.
 
I think your rule about getting advanced notice is highly unreasonable, and your current state of upset about this is way out of proportion to the situation. If I were Jacob and you wanted to restrict me any further, no matter how short or long the time frame, I'd dump you.

And if I were any of his lovers whose pictures and videos he was sending to you, I'd dump him. That is creepy!

Additionally, it just isn't nice or polite to change his dates with you to accommodate dates with other people. I practice poly as a solo, but my policy is first-come, first served. If I can't see someone because I already have a date with someone else, tough. The second person will have to reschedule, not the one who already has time on my calendar.

I don't see how either of you is conducting your relationship in a respectful manner. It doesn't look like ethical polyamory to me.
 
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I feel as if you may be being a wee bit unreasonable with all these rules.

I'm in a mono relationship. I feel that solo poly is the only poly I would be okay about practising and as I am in a committed relationship that neither of us wants to end right now, it will remain monogamous on both sides for the foreseeable future.

So - my partner and I don't have sex with other people. We do, however, spend time apart, meet new people, develop new connections, have crushes on other people, feel love for others and regularly spend time with people that are important to each of us.

I would not be okay if my partner asked me to notify him every time I met somebody new and interesting and planned to see them again. He wouldn't be okay if I asked that he do that with me. In practise we do share our plans with each other and we usually talk to each other if we've met somebody new and exciting.

Before being with my partner I was single for 7 years and I value my independence enormously. I couldn't bear to think of being in a relationship where I had to notify a partner before doing something that was an okay thing to do within that relationship.

If sex with others is okay - why the need for notification?

In my relationship, making new friends, going for coffee, dinner, drinks, overnight visits are all absolutely fine. No notification required. I can't think why there would be unless one of us had a clear desire to control the actions of the other - which we don't.

It might we worthwhile examining why you need these rules in your relationship rather than spending energy getting upset with your partner for breaking one.

In all honesty, I would find it hard to understand why having sex with person A and person B together is okay but having sex with person A on our own needs a separate notification.

IP
 
I agree with all the other posters and want to highlight your courage in talking out this issue. You're brave for wanting to get other people's feedback on this, and I could imagine some of it is hard to hear.

I recognize that this is a rule that both you and your partner had agreed upon beforehand. Perhaps he was unaware of the specifics of needing to notify you each and every time, but it doesn't sound to me like he was deliberately hiding something from you. So keep in mind that he probably didn't intentionally do it to hurt you. But I understand why, to you, it feels like he broke your trust.

I would also agree that examining the purpose of the rule would be highly important here. Why do you feel like that rule is so important - safety, security, feeling like you're his number one, something else? Why might that not always be reasonable to do? Under what circumstances would that rule be easier to not have?

"Rules" sometimes exist to control some kind of fear. I'd suggest digging deeper. If I didn't have this rule, I would feel _________. And that would be bad because of _________. Perhaps this is a time to talk with your partner about whether or not this rule is working for both of you. I think you and your partner have the right to say "not willing to agree to that any longer, what else could we do to address the concerns underneath the rule?" While this may be very difficult, this may be an opportunity for you to grow by identifying and working on your fears related to this rule.
 
I don't think it's okay that he rearranges your dates to suit other people. At least not habitually. I think that may have sparked some of your need to protect.
 
Agreeing with it being a bit unreasonable.
What is the need to notify you of him having sex with this person just the two of them when he had sex with said person the day before in a 3-some?

He's already had sex with them. What is the issue with doing it again the next day without notifying you?

This rule is not always realistic. What if he meets someone and they just hit it off, and things get physical quickly? He needs to remember to stop in the heat of the moment and text you first?

It feels like you are basically asking him to stop and ask permission. Why can't he tell you after the fact, if the outcome is that he has sex with someone else and tells you about it either way?

I'm not trying to be harsh or rude. You remind me of me, a couple years ago. I had ALL THE RULES.
Well, not really. But I wanted to know when my partner was seeing someone, which someone, no back-to-back dates on consecutive days, etc.
Eventually I realized I was trying to control his behavior to a degree to make myself more comfortable, and that wasn't okay.


ETA:
I don't think it's okay that he rearranges your dates to suit other people. At least not habitually. I think that may have sparked some of your need to protect.

Also that. Every now and then, if he asks, and you're okay with it, maybe.
But you don't screw with pre-established plans to make new ones. That's rude whether it's with your partners or your friends or family.
 
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I think there are two issues here.

Your question, Adonniennel, is whether your response to the breaking of the rules is unreasonable.

Feeling hurt is not unreasonable; you feel however you feel. Wanting to impose more restrictions to avoid feeling hurt again is understandable, but may not be reasonable.

Given that you've apparently considered leaving him over this, even though you say it's the first time anything like this has happened, indicates to me that trust is an extreme issue for you, and you are easily hurt when that trust is betrayed. (I'm not judging you if that's the case. I tend toward that myself.) Therefore, it makes sense that you would want to make sure your trust isn't betrayed again.

However, the more restrictions you impose, the MORE likely it is that he'll betray your trust again. Either deliberately, out of rebellion against excessive rules; or unintentionally because there are so many rules he can't remember them all.

To me, the more reasonable response to this specific incident, since it is the first time anything like this has happened, would be to tell him what you've told us here about your feelings and thoughts on the subject, reinforce that this was a betrayal of your trust, and ask him to promise you that it won't happen again, if he's able to make that promise.

The other issue, which other posters have already addressed, is whether the rule itself is reasonable. Personally, I don't think it is (to me, it would seem logical to assume that if someone has had sex with another partner once, it would happen again and therefore wouldn't need to be stated each and every time). However, personally again, I don't think the question of whether the *rule* is reasonable is the question you asked, and therefore I don't think it's really relevant. Regardless of whether the rule itself is reasonable, the fact is that the rule existed and was broken, and therefore you need to determine how to address that.

I would suggest, once you've had time to calm down from this situation, that you and your partner consider amending that rule to something like "We must inform each other the *first* time we have sex with someone outside of the two of us; after that, we'll take it as stated that sex wtih that other person will occur again."
 
I'm sorry you are struggling with upset.

What open model do you guys practice? Depending on what it is, then you might have different agreements than other people doing a different model.

I think there are layers here.

How many strikes?

I promptly messaged Jacob telling him that he had never notified me of these plans. After not hearing back from him for a while (and, honestly, freaking out a bit) he finally messaged me back saying that he thought he had mentioned it when we had talked on the phone the night before.

It's the first time this happens, so you could let it slide if you felt like it. But if it is one of your "1 strike I am out of here" things rather than a "3 strikes and I am out" things... that's up to you to determine.

What's the purpose of the agreement?

I would like a heads up someone my partner has been dating "is looking to go lover soon." I don't need to know specifically WHEN or what they do. I just want the heads up so I can check my own "continuing consent" to determine if I still want to be in his lover circle linked to these people. YKWIM? He can do what he wants... but so can I. My willingness belongs to me.

Sometimes people make "stepping stone" agreements to get to a different thing later. Is this agreement one of those? A soft limit that could change in time or a hard limit that will never change?

Maybe you both want to get clear on the purpose of the agreement.

Was the agreement clear enough and understood by both in the same way?

  • Heads up for the duration of the visit? That sex could happen on this visit with this person?
  • Heads up for every occurrence within the visit time frame?
  • Heads up that this person is now on the lover list until notice that they have been removed?

Whether it is reasonable for you guys but it needed more clarity ... Or it is no longer reasonable in any shape... That is for you guys to determine.

What's the saturation point?

If the thing is more about number of partners before he is too saturated to meet your needs well, have that talk.

Asking for Time Out

Take it one layer at a time when you have had a chance to cool off.

I think it is fine to ask him if he is willing to "Close to Current People" for one month so you guys have time/space to have these talks. It's not like you are asking him to never have new people. Just asking if he's willing to take a time out to address this concerns with you.

He is either willing or not willing. You cannot know without asking. He will either say yes or no to a time out. So ask him.

HTH!

Galagirl
 
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Hi Adonnenniel,

The heart of the matter, for the time being at least, is that you and Jacob agreed to a rule, and that Jacob then broke the rule, and cited forgetfulness as the reason. Had he said, "I didn't realize I needed to give notice of each instance of sex with the same person," that would have been different. But because he said it was because he forgot, I have to conclude that he had the same understanding as you did.

Is it reasonable to have a cooling-off period for the purpose of repairing the broken trust? I think it is neither reasonable nor unreasonable, it just is. It's what you feel, and what you want to ask for. You can ask. The tricky part is that he's going to feel whatever he feels as well; he's going to see the situation from his own point of view, therefore he may or may not agree to the cooling-off period.

If he doesn't agree, then you'll have to decide if that's a deal breaker for you. If it comes to that, then it might be wise to consider the opinions the others have voiced on this thread, which may be hard to do because of how many negative reactions you got. But breaking up is such a drastic action, it's worth considering all the alternatives before going through with it. For example, do you have unusual struggles trusting people? If so, maybe counseling (more than breaking up) is in order.

At some point it would be nice to address his tendency to change his dates with you in order to set up dates with other people. At some point it might be wise to renegotiate the rules (and maybe they won't end up getting changed, but who knows). But I won't try to deal with all that at this point in time. Right now you just need to decide what to do about this particular breakage of this particular rule.

Don't know if that helps, but, some food for thought.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I agree that the rule is unreasonable, and sounds more like a rule for swinging than for poly. It's one thing to ask for notice if someone thinks that a relationship might be moving in the direction of sex (as in, this person may become more than a friend), but to ask for that level of notice is disrespectful of their relationship (imposing yourself and your control over their relationship).

But since you ask for pictures, are you already imposing yourself on someone else's intimate time? Do you do that because you're part of a friendly community of voyeurs and exhibitionists, or because you're inserting yourself (via the camera) to keep those interactions from being private?
 
I'd like to add my own experience. I dated a not-so-good-communicator about this stuff, as a first poly experience, with the assumption from a metamour that the way to help feelings was more communication. Things got forgotten ; I got hurt, tension built. I was at a breaking point with it. It finally occurred to me: the rules weren't helping. They were feeding my insecurity. What I needed was to up my security. To know that even if he forgot to tell me something, he still loved me. If he got sexy without knowing it ahead of time, or forgetting to send a text, or omitting a detail I really should have known (and there were a few that, in a non- controlling way, were important enough I should have)- he still loved me.

Security for me was getting to the point he could theoretically spontaneously find himself at a sex party visiting his girlfriend's neighbor to borrow sugar, participate in an orgy, having left his cellphone to communicate in The car. and I would just be hoping he had a good time.

That's a security no one can take away from you. By their actions, or lack of them.
 
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