Adonnenniel
New member
So, let me preface this with, I am brand new to this community, but not to kink or poly communities. I've been involved in a few poly families and other configurations, but never with a committed relationship involved. At least not in a fully consensual way, but that's a story for another time.
So my boyfriend, let's call him Jacob (all names have been changed) has been out of town for about a week. I have some trauma with long distance (see above story for another time) and this has been hard on me as it is, but I've been getting by. We've been communicating really well and he's been open about almost everything.
The "almost" is the problem.
Jacob and I have been together for almost a year now. We negotiated our relationship from the beginning as poly and have conducted it so the entire way, down to writing a contract to visibly outline our boundaries.
Unfortunately, on Thursday, one of the stipulations in the contract was broken.
Jacob and I had agreed that before either of us has sex with a person outside of us we'd let the other know. He had never failed to inform me before, so there has never been an issue.
Jacob, while he was visiting some friends, ended up having a threesome with our friends Kevin and Terri (actually the same ones I had my first group sex experience with, so I'm really fond of them and comfortable with them), and had let me know beforehand that it was happening. He even got video for me because we like to watch each other.
However, he didn't let me know that he and Terri were planning on fooling around the next day. I had gotten a picture from him on one of my breaks at work and had thought it was one from the night before because I had no clue this was planned. I later heard from Terri when we were chatting that she and Jacob had messed around just a half hour earlier.
I promptly messaged Jacob telling him that he had never notified me of these plans. After not hearing back from him for a while (and, honestly, freaking out a bit) he finally messaged me back saying that he thought he had mentioned it when we had talked on the phone the night before.
This wouldn't be as big a deal for me if I hadn't mentioned this exact thing as one of my biggest fears for things that could go wrong and he had assured me that it wouldn't. And "I forgot" is about as good an excuse as "I was drunk". Which means a piss poor one.
So, that leaves me with the fallout of the situation.
I know I don't want to leave him because this is the first time anything like this has happened, so it's not a pattern he regularly exhibits, and I just love the man too damned much not to give him another chance. But I'm not about to let my boundaries be trounced upon and just sit back and take it. I need some time to feel more secure in the relationship, because no matter if he meant to or not, my trust was broken and I'm hurt.
So, he comes home Saturday evening and we're planning on talking about what happened and how we're going to move forward.
Jacob has an affinity for quickly gathering several new partners (see: fuck buddies) in a very short span of time, which often has the effect of me feeling like my time isn't as important, especially when our plans get changed because one of his dates has to switch things around.
So, the solution that I think would be best for my state of mind and comfortability is for Jacob and I both to take a month where we don't add any new partners into the mix so I can feel secure in the stability of our relationship. This isn't closing it to other partners entirely, though that was my first thought when I was still extremely stung, as the current partners he has I know respect me and the relationship I have with Jacob, even if they don't necessarily think of how their changing plans may affect ours.
Jacob has a need for variety, and I don't want to ignore that need. However, he does have three other partners in town, so I don't think it's too much to ask him not to add any more unknowns into it.
Especially since I'm only going to ask for a month of this arrangement.
So, after reading this giant wall 'o text, does this seem an unreasonable response? I don't have many poly friends who aren't also friends with Jacob, so it's really hard to get an unbiased opinion on the subject.
So my boyfriend, let's call him Jacob (all names have been changed) has been out of town for about a week. I have some trauma with long distance (see above story for another time) and this has been hard on me as it is, but I've been getting by. We've been communicating really well and he's been open about almost everything.
The "almost" is the problem.
Jacob and I have been together for almost a year now. We negotiated our relationship from the beginning as poly and have conducted it so the entire way, down to writing a contract to visibly outline our boundaries.
Unfortunately, on Thursday, one of the stipulations in the contract was broken.
Jacob and I had agreed that before either of us has sex with a person outside of us we'd let the other know. He had never failed to inform me before, so there has never been an issue.
Jacob, while he was visiting some friends, ended up having a threesome with our friends Kevin and Terri (actually the same ones I had my first group sex experience with, so I'm really fond of them and comfortable with them), and had let me know beforehand that it was happening. He even got video for me because we like to watch each other.
However, he didn't let me know that he and Terri were planning on fooling around the next day. I had gotten a picture from him on one of my breaks at work and had thought it was one from the night before because I had no clue this was planned. I later heard from Terri when we were chatting that she and Jacob had messed around just a half hour earlier.
I promptly messaged Jacob telling him that he had never notified me of these plans. After not hearing back from him for a while (and, honestly, freaking out a bit) he finally messaged me back saying that he thought he had mentioned it when we had talked on the phone the night before.
This wouldn't be as big a deal for me if I hadn't mentioned this exact thing as one of my biggest fears for things that could go wrong and he had assured me that it wouldn't. And "I forgot" is about as good an excuse as "I was drunk". Which means a piss poor one.
So, that leaves me with the fallout of the situation.
I know I don't want to leave him because this is the first time anything like this has happened, so it's not a pattern he regularly exhibits, and I just love the man too damned much not to give him another chance. But I'm not about to let my boundaries be trounced upon and just sit back and take it. I need some time to feel more secure in the relationship, because no matter if he meant to or not, my trust was broken and I'm hurt.
So, he comes home Saturday evening and we're planning on talking about what happened and how we're going to move forward.
Jacob has an affinity for quickly gathering several new partners (see: fuck buddies) in a very short span of time, which often has the effect of me feeling like my time isn't as important, especially when our plans get changed because one of his dates has to switch things around.
So, the solution that I think would be best for my state of mind and comfortability is for Jacob and I both to take a month where we don't add any new partners into the mix so I can feel secure in the stability of our relationship. This isn't closing it to other partners entirely, though that was my first thought when I was still extremely stung, as the current partners he has I know respect me and the relationship I have with Jacob, even if they don't necessarily think of how their changing plans may affect ours.
Jacob has a need for variety, and I don't want to ignore that need. However, he does have three other partners in town, so I don't think it's too much to ask him not to add any more unknowns into it.
Especially since I'm only going to ask for a month of this arrangement.
So, after reading this giant wall 'o text, does this seem an unreasonable response? I don't have many poly friends who aren't also friends with Jacob, so it's really hard to get an unbiased opinion on the subject.
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