am i cheating on my boyfriend?

riddlerpuzzle

riddlerpuzzle

New member
I'm dating two people. I've been dating one long distance (LD) for a year, and the other one I've been dating for two months (not LD). I recently got into an argument with one of my (now ex) friends where he said (to my LD partner), because I've had sexual experiences with one of my partners, that counts as cheating on the other. My ex-friend is also poly, and has had sexual experiences with more than one partner. The ex-friend also has romantic feelings for the long-distance partner, who is not poly.

Is this just my ex-friend trying to date my partner, or am I cheating on him? Am I an asshole for being poly?
 
Does each partner know about the other, sex and all, or are you quiet about it?

Poly means everyone knows about each other, knows what kind of relationships they are, including sexual, and consents to being in that type of relationship.

If you are having two relationships, and they don't know and consent, then you are cheating, not poly, and are an asshole.
 
Bobbi said:
Does each partner know about the other, sex and all, or are you quiet about it?

Poly means everyone knows about each other, knows what kind of relationships they are, including sexual, and consents to being in that type of relationship.

If you are having two relationships, and they don't know and consent, then you are cheating, not poly, and are an asshole.
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Hey,

Each partner knows about the other. And while we don't talk much about the sex, it has been confirmed and we have had discussions about it and have gotten consent. Thank you so much for the advice!
 
I struggle with no names. I'm going to give these folks generic color names, but I'd be happy to go with what you pick, if you want something else.

Let me repeat back in my own words what I understand. You correct me if I get it wrong, okay? Blue just to block it off.

You are dating in a poly V. You are the hinge with 2 partners.
  • You have a long-distance partner named Red. You've been dating Red for a year. Red is not poly. They are a mono end-point person in this V. The agreements you have with Red are _____. You have/have not promised to be exclusive with Red.
  • You also have been dating local partner Blue for 2 mos. Blue is/is not poly. They are an end-point person in this V. The agreements you have with Blue are _____. You have/have not promised to be exclusive with Blue.
  • Red and Blue know this is a poly V. They know the other one exists and all parties consent to participate in this poly network.

You recently got into an argument with your ex-friend Green.
  • Green told your LD partner Red that because you shared sex with one partner, that counts as cheating on the other partner.
  • Green is intruding/getting up in your biz. This upsets you.
  • Green is poly themselves and has shared sex with all their partners. So what they are saying makes no sense.
  • Green has a crush on Red.
Is that the case?

How do Green and Red know each other?

I could be wrong, but I think what "counts" as cheating depends on your agreements with Red, and your agreements with Blue. Green is not in this poly V, so what Green thinks is "cheating" or not doesn't apply here.

Green is not part of this polycule. Green has their own poly relationships to manage. Why's Green butting into yours?

It kind of sounds like Green is trying to break you and Red up so Green can swoop in there after Red themselves. Is that what is going on?

I suggest you not waste time or energy arguing with Green. Just leave Green as an ex-friend.

Perhaps talk to both your partners, Red and Blue, about whether or not they are still happy with your dating agreements with each one, or need to revisit safer sex agreements: what does/does not count as cheating to each of them, what you count as cheating.

You are not an asshole for being poly. People can be how they want to be. They consent to what they want to do or not. If Red and Blue consent to participate here like this, I don't see why that is any of Green's business. I don't know what Green is going on about.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
I struggle with no names. I'm going to give these folks generic color names, but I'd be happy to go with what you pick, if you want something else.

Let me repeat back in my own words what I understand. You correct me if I get it wrong, okay? (Blue just to block it off.)

You are dating in a poly V. You are the hinge with 2 partners.
  • You have a long-distance partner named Red. Dating Red for a year. Red is not poly. They are a mono end-point person in this V. The agreements you have with Red are _____. You have/have not promised to be exclusive with Red.
  • You also have been dating local partner Blue for 2 mos. Blue is/is not poly. They are an end-point person in this V. The agreements you have with Blue are _____. You have/have not promised to be exclusive with Blue.
  • Red and Blue know this is a poly V. They know the other one exists and all parties consent to participate in this poly network.

You recently got into an argument with your ex-friend Green.
  • Green told your LD partner Red that because you shared sex with one partner, that counts as cheating on the other partner.
  • Green is intruding/getting up in your biz. This upsets you.
  • Green is poly themselves and shares sex with all their partners. So what they're saying makes no sense.
  • Green has a crush on Red.
Is that the case?

I could be wrong, but I think what "counts" as cheating depends on your agreements with Red, and your agreements with Blue. Green is not in this poly V. So what Green thinks is "cheating" or not doesn't apply here.

Green is not part of this polycule. Green has their own relationships to manage. Why's Green butting into yours?

It kind of sounds like Green is trying to break you and Red up so Green can swoop in there after Red themselves.

I suggest you not waste time or energy arguing with Green. Just leave Green as an ex-friend.

Perhaps talk to both your partners, Red and Blue, about whether or not they are still happy with your dating agreements with each one, or need to revisit safer sex agreements, what does/does not count as cheating to each of them, what you count as cheating.

You are not an asshole for being poly. People can be how they want to be. They consent to what they want to do, or not. If Red and Blue consent to participate here like this, I don't see why that is any of Green's business.

I don't know what Green is going on about.

Galagirl
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Thanks for your response. You helped me clarify this situation a lot and make more sense of it. I really appreciate the advice. I've cut all contact with Green and have talked with each of my partners. Again, thank you.

riddlerpuzzle
 
riddlerpuzzle said:
I'm dating two people. I've been dating one long distance (LD) for a year, and the other one I've been dating for two months (not LD). I recently got into an argument with one of my (now ex) friends where he said (to my LD partner), because I've had sexual experiences with one of my partners, that counts as cheating on the other. My ex-friend is also poly, and has had sexual experiences with more than one partner. The ex-friend also has romantic feelings for the long-distance partner, who is not poly.

Is this just my ex-friend trying to date my partner, or am I cheating on him? Am I an asshole for being poly?
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Wow, I think I’ll need a diagram to understand the problem. lol
 
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Hi riddlerpuzzle,

The main thing you need, to not be cheating, is mutual consent between all of the involved parties. This of course means that all of the involved parties have basic knowledge of what all is going on, so that they can know what they are consenting to. If you are meeting those requirements, then you are not cheating. It sounds like your ex-friend is interested in your long-distance partner, and is trying to label you as a cheater to lure him away from you. I hope your partner will not listen to your ex-friend. You are not an asshole just because you are poly.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
TomSloan said:
Wow, I think I’ll need a diagram to understand the problem. lol
Click to expand...
The problem is that OP is poly with 2 partners who are aware of each other and have provided informed consent.

Observer (former friend at this point) says to long distance partner that op cheated on them by sleeping with local partner.

To op:

Having read your post and all of the follow ups, it doesn't seem to me that you cheated at all. Everyone is aware and has consented.

I'm glad you cut the former friend out. It sounds like they made an actual attack on your LD relationship with intent to break it up out of jealousy and that's toxic.

Furthermore, it doesn't sound like they really understand what polyamory is, to me.
 
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