Am I doing the right thing?

[FeelingAlive]

Hello---first off, thank goodness I found this site! I have been racking my brain trying to figure out what "this" is called, and I am so glad there IS a name for it. It's tough to ask friends, because you just never know who "is" and "isn't". That being said, maybe someone can help me.....I have known this married man for a few years, just as general friends. In the last 5 months, the tone of our "relationship" has changed a new level. We have expressed great desire for each other and have come very close to consummating the new found "relationship", but a comedy of errors prevented it. The next day, he confessed that he felt guilty and was mad at himself for almost going there, due to his wife. The problem I am having is: How do I bring up the subject of Polyamory to him? I don't want him to think I am "freaky", but open to the option of being with him and her exclusively. It is a real struggle to find the right words to say to him, so I come here, pleading for advice from all of you. Thanks in advance.

 

[tenK]

Why do you want to be with his wife too? Is there any sign that she likes you? Being poly doesn't mean everyone has to all date each other. From what you've said, it sounds like you have fallen for the husband, but he is skirting on the edges of cheating on his wife. My advice to you is to explain to him that you would be willing to date him whilst he remains married, but only if his wife is on board with that. It's up to him to then present it as an option to her, and if she takes him up on it (which may not likely happen, and if it does at all, will surely require months of negotiation between the pair of them), and if you get to a space where you and he and she are comfortable dating as a V, and IF there is an attraction between you and her that you both want to act upon, see how it goes from there. As you can see, there are a tremendous amount of ifs in there.

Many mono couples find that opening their relationship into a polyamorous one goes better if there is not a new partner waiting in the wings. Less pressure to rush in, fewer insecurities to overcome, fewer feelings of trust being breached, etc. You might find that it's not possible for you to nurture a romantic connection with him at all whilst they transition their own relationship. And that's assuming that it is what he and she both want anyway. Perhaps him explaining his developing feelings for you will encourage them to strengthen their own relationship, and he might not want to pursue anything with you at this time. Perhaps his interest in you stems from problems within his own marriage. In short, I think you'd be wise to not get too carried away in investing emotional energy into this. It's great that you have identified that you can see yourself happy in a polyamorous setting, but that doesn't mean you are in a position with this guy to start practising it. As I said, I'd present him with the basic concept and explain you would be willing to try this kind of setup if it works for everyone, but I wouldn't pin any hopes on it working out like that.

 

[FeelingAlive]

Thanks for replying----you bring up many valid points that I will need to consider. That's why I was so glad to find this avenue for discussion. Many thanks again!

 

[GalaGirl]

I might guess wrong here. And I'm not sure what their current agreements are... but it sounds like he was willing to have an emotional affair with you, and came close to a physical affair, then felt guilty. That doesn't sound like him dating you on the up and up. It sounds like cheating on some level. (Why are you up for cheating on any level? Do you not think you deserve to be dated on the up and up?)

I agree with TenK -- don't pin you hopes here. If you are thinking polyamory can help you still keep going with him while he's thinking of ending it... I think you are both better off letting a cheating affair end.

Even if he comes clean to his wife, she might not be up for poly at all. Or even if she is up for it, she might not be up for poly with YOU in the network -- his former cheating partner. There's trust betrayals there. And part of the price of admission to opening their marriage might be ditching any cheating partners. (you) The cheating start may have blown it for the both of you.

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

It isn't like poly is cheat proof either. He's currently cheating on his wife to some degree -- be it emotional or physical. If you were in a polyship with him, how could you trust him not to cheat on his poly agreements with you? Based on what behavior?

If you want to poly -- go ahead and poly date. Bring it up from the beginning as you date and weed out the duds. Maybe something like...

"I like you. I want to date you. I also want you to know that I am not monogamous and I'm not looking for an exclusive relationship. I am seeking polyamory."​

• How do I bring up the subject of Polyamory to him?

Could keep it simple.

• I don't want him to think I am "freaky"

You cannot control what he thinks. He controls that. So I grey that out.

• (I want him to know I am) open to the option of being with him and her exclusively.

Why would you want to be exclusive to them so fast? Rather than get to know them before making any more promises or agreements?
Do not agree, promise or offer stuff you cannot follow through on. Better to wait and make agreements more slowly so they can actually be kept.

Could simply let him know what you are and are not up for at this time. Could say something like...

"I am no longer up for cheating stuff. I am open to dating you in an open, honest poly V with you as the shared sweetie if you and your wife are also up for that. Could you be willing to let me know where you stand?"​

Then sit back and let him digest that and wait for his response.

In your shoes? I wouldn't put much more into things with him -- if your interest is poly? It seems easier to poly date someone else who doesn't come with all this mess attached. But if you want to know for sure -- you have to ask. So spit it out. I just wouldn't pin my hopes on a cheating situation transforming into a healthy V -- that's pretty rare.

Galagirl

 

[IndieSolo]

I have known this married man for a few years, just as general friends. In the last 5 months, the tone of our "relationship" has changed a new level. We have expressed great desire for each other and have come very close to consummating the new found "relationship", but a comedy of errors prevented it. The next day, he confessed that he felt guilty and was mad at himself for almost going there, due to his wife.

It sounds like you two almost had sex but were prevented from it by something and now he regrets coming so close. You did know he is married prior to his mentioning it, correct? How did you feel about his almost cheating on her? Would that have been okay with you?

The problem I am having is: How do I bring up the subject of Polyamory to him? I don't want him to think I am "freaky", but open to the option of being with him and her exclusively.

Huhhh? Do you know his wife? How can you want to be exclusive with him and her if you don't have a relationship with her or even know if she is bisexual, and open to it? Do you think that with polyamory, you would have to be with her in order to be with him?

Are you sure you understand what polyamory is?

It is a real struggle to find the right words to say to him, so I come here, pleading for advice from all of you. Thanks in advance.

He has already expressed remorse for what almost happened between you. Don't go there. Even if he approaches his wife and proposes poly to her, in the unlikely event she agrees to it, it could take another year or longer before they are actually ready to pursue any outside relationships.

I think you need to throw this fish back. Plenty more out there, hon. Tempting a married monogamous man isn't the way to go.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi FeelingAlive,

I would suggest keeping it simple, that is, telling this man you don't mind continuing a relationship with him as long as his wife consents. Details can be worked out after you vault that first hurdle.

There's a good introduction to poly on the web page, Poly FAQ. It would be good if you, the man you're interested in, and his wife could look at that page. And there are various other books and websites and pages I can point you to. There's a lot to learn about poly.

I hope this helps for starters.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.