Am I just jealous?

Moon&Stars

New member
So my spouse and I have been poly for awhile. We both have seen people individually but nothing long term. Lately, I noticed them getting really close with a friend of ours. This friend expressed being poly and I knew something would grow out of it. It's like she wanted to hint that she was interested. Well, my spouse told me that they were interested in this friend and literally the same day they said the friend "confessed" to liking them. I said I was fine with it. They have been talking nonstop and my spouse has planned a trip to see this friend (they live in another state). The friend has made a weird effort to try to hang out with me virtually as if she feels guilty. My spouse says that the friend is anxious that I don't want to be friends with her anymore. I kind of don't. Am I just jealous or am I afraid of losing a friend?
 
For me, I don't particularly enjoy cultivating friendships with metamours. I prefer parallel poly, with relationships kept very separate.

If someone who is already a friend started a relationship with my partner, I would probably want to let the friendship recede to give her space to date my partner. Unless she was a VERY close friend or a friend who was in my life before I met my partner.

It wouldn't have anything to do with disliking the friend or disliking her dating my partner, but I could see that it might hurt her or confuse her if I pulled away on the friendship. So, I would try to be clear about my feelings and make sure she knows she has my blessing to date my partner, but that I want to take some space and not make an effort to hang out.

In your case, I wonder if you mistrust this friend a little? It sounds like you maybe think she decided to be poly expressly to date your partner. She hasn't been poly previously? She's not dating anyone else?
 
I am sorry you are atruggling. FWIW....
The friend has made a weird effort to try to hang out with me virtually as if she feels guilty.

If you don't want to hang out? Don't. Friend can deal with their emotional management themselves.

My spouse says that the friend is anxious that I don't want to be friends with her anymore. I kind of don't.

Could tell spouse not to tell you emotional / feelings stuff about the friend he dates. She can talk to you direct.

Could scale back on the friendship with her.

Am I just jealous or am I afraid of losing a friend?

Only you can answer that.

Have you and spouse articulated who the "messy people" are? Like would not want my DH dating my parents, siblings, boss, coworkers, etc. Friends and roomies would go on there too. And in return I won't date any of his. People who would just make things too weird or messy. There are plenty of people to date without going right for the messy ones.

In the case of friends, sometimes friends are your support system. So if things go wrong, you turn to your friends for support, right? But it's gonna be weird or messy if the person the situation is about IS that very friend.

So maybe you are discovering that you prefer he NOT date your friends? If so?

Could clarify with DH that from this point forward? No more dating any more of your friends. Too weird.

I don't know if those suggestions help any. I hope things get better.

Galagirl
 
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Hello Moon&Stars,

There's something fishy about this friend, this new love interest. I don't like it. Almost as if she planned this all along. I think you should trust your gut instincts. If you feel like something is off, something probably is off. I just don't want your spouse to get hurt.

I know you're afraid of losing this friend, but you must step back and trust your instincts. Maybe having a friend be a new love interest is just too weird, right? I hope the three of you can work things out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
There's something fishy about this friend, this new love interest. I don't like it. Almost as if she planned this all along. I think you should trust your gut instincts. If you feel like something is off, something probably is off.
Kevin is articulating the feeling, you've conveyed in your post. I don't know if that is an accurate description, but if so, I suggest you could also try to clarify the vagueness before you possibly dial back on the friendship. Why not talk to them and tell them about you being weirded out, ask whether they were indeed feeling guilty or what the heck is going on? Sometimes relationships have growing pains like this, and the cleaner everything is sorted out, the better the result.
 
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