Am I still valid as poly, when I’m perfectly okay with a relationship not being a romantic commitment?

[alice_serene]

(Im bisexual and married to a guy, for reference).

To me, I’m perfectly okay with a deep friendship with a girl, and show affection. It doesn’t have to be girlfriend-girlfriend. It can be a best friend relationship. I’m also okay with a commitment to a person, typical polyamory type of thing. I really don’t care what our relationship is- as long as I’m allowed to show you I love you, and show affection, I’m cool.

Is it bad that I’m not one way or the other? Being bisexual, I’ve gotten bad comments about not being a certain way. “Not making up my mind”, basically. I’ve moved past those insecurities with my bisexuality, but I’m struggling with the poly side of things.

Thanks to whoever reads and answers!

 

[Evie]

Hi Alice

Let's face it, these words that we use to label ourselves are just a way of communicating preferences rather simply to each other, not actually our identity. We are all nuanced in innumerable ways and we can elaborate on any single concept - just like you have done above - to more accurately reflect what we feel and do (which is also likely to change over time).

If you haven't heard it before, you might want to read up about the term "relationship anarchy/anarchist" if you find that the poly label is just a little too pigeonholey for you.

Kind regards
Evie

 

[Eponine]

Personally I think poly doesn't have to be romantic love; even an aromantic person can be poly, if they desire multiple consensual intimate relationships. Many others define poly as multiple consensual romantic relationships though. But like Evie said, labels are just a convenient way of communication. As long as you're happy, why does it matter whether you're poly, or whether others consider you as poly?

I was also thinking of relationship anarchy when reading your post. You may find some of its ideas relevant.

 

[GalaGirl]

Being bisexual, I’ve gotten bad comments about not being a certain way. “Not making up my mind”, basically.

I really don't get why people say that kind of stuff to others.

Whatever the person saying is THEIR thinking. That's THEIR stuff, not yours.

I’ve moved past those insecurities with my bisexuality,

Good. You don't have to take on other people's stuff for yourself. They can carry their own baggage.

but I’m struggling with the poly side of things.

Do what you want. Call it what you want. So long as the people you actually are doing it with consent to doing whatever behavior with you? And they call it the same thing to avoid confusion between you?

All good.

Comments from others not involved in it? Pffft. Don't date/cuddle/friend those people.

Labels are useful shorthand... but they aren't a box. Sometimes close enough is close enough.

A friend of mine was having a hard time labeling her relationship. I didn't care what she wanted to call it. I wanted to know what I could use with my then small children. Because I wasn't going to teach them to say "Grandma, this is Miss Patty's fuck boi."

I told her she could call him whatever at her house and I'd honor that, but at MY house with MY kids she could pick "Ms Patty's friend" or "Ms Patty's boyfriend" or something else of her choosing that was reasonable coming out my elementary school kids' mouth to grandma. A grandma who they might never meet again anyway. Or just don't come to my party and solve the issue that way.

My friend decided to come to the party and on the grandma front, decided "Ms Patty's friend" was good enough for the day for her date.

Sometimes it's just not worth it to sweat it so much. YKWIM? I don't know if that helps you any.

You decide what is valid for you in your life.

You have inherent worth and dignity so you validate you.

Not some other people.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Alice,

The fact that you are okay with a polyamory type of thing suffices to make you polyamorous. Just to give you an example, some polyamorists are swingers as well. It is possible to be both at once.

You have made up your mind, you know what you want. And based on what you have posted here, you are a bona fide polyamorist.

Regards,
Kevin T.