Am I unreasonable?

Magdlyn said:
I owe Amygdala (and other new members) an apology. I reread the Guidelines this morning and I did NOT see a request for nicknames for spouses, partners or metamours! I only saw a suggestion to make sure you, yourself, were anonymously named. I am sure that also means protecting the anonymity of your partners, but just saying "wife" or "lover" would do that.

I could have sworn I did read the recommendation for nicknames for all parties at one point. I PMed AutumnalTone to ask that it be added to the Guidelines, since it doesn't seem to be there now!

Kevin, would look into that too, in the mod lounge?
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When I first came on I noticed people politely asking posters to make up a name as opposed to an initial because it made things easier. Maybe you just saw that so much it became a guideline in your mind? After seeing you say it so many times I thought it was true myself...lol
 
ImaginaryIllusion is our most active admin, Emm is our most active mod (also listed as an admin in the list of forum leaders). Although vinsanity0 is even more active, I don't know whether he has the clearance to edit the guidelines. He is listed as a mod, but his title is "Spaminator."

I consider the guidelines to be satisfactory as now constituted. I do agree that the use of nicknames improves readability and as such is a good general practice, I just don't personally believe it rises to the level of a formal guideline. I think it's fine to ask newcomers to use nicknames, and if that's added to the guidelines I'd be fine with that as well.
 
kdt26417 said:
ImaginaryIllusion is our most active admin, Emm is our most active mod (also listed as an admin in the list of forum leaders). Although vinsanity0 is even more active, I don't know whether he has the clearance to edit the guidelines. He is listed as a mod, but his title is "Spaminator."

I consider the guidelines to be satisfactory as now constituted. I do agree that the use of nicknames improves readability and as such is a good general practice, I just don't personally believe it rises to the level of a formal guideline. I think it's fine to ask newcomers to use nicknames, and if that's added to the guidelines I'd be fine with that as well.
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I don't have the capability to edit posts, nor is it my place to institute new guidelines.

I realize the topic came up in this thread, but this has gone completely off the rails. It would be better to discuss this in a separate thread in the appropriate forum.

(That last part wasn't to you in particular, Kevin.)
 
dingedheart said:
I’m sorry but 0 to 100 and spending 4 nights a week out or sleeping over sort of drives jealousy and insecurity. ITS THE FALLOUT FROM HER ACTIONS !
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I haven't responded because I've had out of town company. In this case, the OP made it clear he requested to open the relationship which makes it different, imo than if he was opening at his wife's request. I'm more like his wife, casual hook ups don't work for me. When you open, that's a risk you take.... that how you do open will be different from how your partner does open. Making arbitrary rules to try to control the situation are ineffective and can cause resentment. Better to figure out what you really want and need to feel secure and negotiate for that (as opposed to focusing on what your Meta is getting and comparing that to what you're getting. ) I never said OP's wife should just do what she wants without considering OP's feelings. And yes, going from 0 to 100 isn't kind or loving to the existing partner. OP's wife seems to know this now. Making mistakes when opening is inevitable. How you make amends for those is to be more mindful and caring towards all your partners going forward.

I don't have any experience opening a relationship. I was in a 25 year mono, codependent relationship. Post divorce I've only been in open relationships. I personally think mono relationships should do the work of detangling before they open. Unfortunately, it seems many choose the harder way and open first.

In order not to derail this thread, feel free to pm me or start a new thread about opening...or dealing with one's issues rather than expecting your partners to make allowances for YOUR issues. I have much more to say and would be willing to share my thoughts.
 
Magdlyn said:
Thanks for picking the nicknames. It was hard for me to constantly refer to Noodle as "your wife's ex/potential bf." That's just weird to type out. Now it's just 2 simple words, Minxi and Noodle.

So, it sounds like you and Minxi will be together usually from Friday night to Tuesday morning or afternoon. A few hours on Friday night, all of Sat, Sun and Monday, and a few hours on Tuesday. Both of you then have Tuesday afternoon/evening, Wed, Thursday and most of Friday to yourselves, to do as you please, to spend with whom you please.

And it seems you want to request that, on Tuesday, Wed, Thurs and Friday during the day, she only spend one of those days or evenings or overnights with Noodle (or any other guy?). For at least a few months? Otherwise, if she wants company, it needs to be family or friends only? But if her NRE resurges, she might spend time each evening texting or on the phone or Skype with Noodle, and you wouldn't need to know...

If she is out of sight, out of mind, so to speak, in the city, what would be bad about her seeing Noodle more often there? Do you want her to call or text you every day, more than once, or do you want a short good night text? What would help you to feel secure when you're apart?
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That's Ok :) It's funny, we so seldom ever use each others names on a daily basis. We use stoopid cute nicknames like many couples do. So to think ''name'' is weird...but If can learn to handle poly I can jolly well learn to use names eh?

Even as we have been engaged in this thread we continue to talk (I talk too much and Minxi needs me to shut up more) I do concede, If she is not with me it matters not who she sees when apart. We have discussed that too. What would upset me is if she ran out of 'self time' and always took time away from me and not from noodle. Sure that's a risk of NRE... it would bother me and we have talked about that too. We are working on an agreement that works for us. Lots of ''This is what I need in order to feel safe'' talking and trying to get agreements on what it is she can do to facilitate that. Minxi on the other hand needs to tell me what she needs in time with another person and my job is to go as far as i can to meet that for her to feel independent.

I can do this stuff. Minxi came to me some months ago with a list of changes she needs for her own sense of self, independence and autonomy. That involved things like her own city home, to earn her own money outside our joint business, to pursue education and her peers in music and the arts as well as potential polyamory. I have no objections to any of this, I would go so far as to say that the opening up journey facilitated that being easier for me to come at. The challenges were always going to be around the logistics and management.
 
All of us are free and should be free to do what ever we want. We just aren't free of judgement, warranted or not, for our actions.

In terms of relationships, all we can really do is hope that what are partner wants to do isn't harmful to us and isn't obstructive to our personal goals and desires.

Rules are only really necessary to bridge the gaps where there is incompatibility. If both me and my partner hate people in our home, neither of us have to make rules about limiting guests because we will both tend towards avoiding them in the first place.
 
icesong said:
I think in some ways my journey may be very similar to that, although Knight and I still live together (I'm still not sure whether that's a permanent thing although some days I hope so and some days I'm curious about living by myself for a bit once MiniMe is grown and out of the house.) We met at 16, went to the same residential high school and same college, and then both worked at the same company for a decade and had shared hobbies/friends groups that more or less had the effect of being together 24/7 if not literally so. Like, adjacent cubes at work, plus or minus the parts where Knight was out of the office for customers. And we went through swinging / shared partners for a while to test the separation between sex and love, and because we didn't want to be each other's only partner ever - and thought we had no interest in deeper emotional relationships. Oops.

Falling in love with someone else though? dating independently? Yes that was utterly scary and hard and almost broke us - if you read my blog alllllll the way back to HipsterBoy I talk about that a lot, although I didn't discover this board until I was at the end of that first relationship.

And yes, the more you can relax the better off you'll be. It sounds like you already have a plan for dedicated time together - at that point, my biggest advice is to let go of anything other than hoping Minxi is happy during your scheduled time apart.
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The trouble with 24/7 living is very often you don't even see it happening. It creeps up on you almost out of neccissity of getting by sometimes.

Yeah we looked into swinging but never did much that way. We were able to separate love and sex. Minxi needs love or at least a close facsimile of it in order to function.

And yes, seeing your wife fall in love with another is waaaaaaay more scary than swinging. I liken swinging and casual sex to playing with fire while poly is like juggling 3 bottles of petrol while lighting a cigarette... It needs a 'safe work procedure'.

I have relaxed so much... still need to more probably, but ultimately I am in favor of having only few basic rules and boundaries to keep the balance of our relationship. At the very heart is my desire for minxi to be the happiest person on earth, it just sucks that the risk of that can be loss.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
All of us are free and should be free to do what ever we want. We just aren't free of judgement, warranted or not, for our actions.

In terms of relationships, all we can really do is hope that what are partner wants to do isn't harmful to us and isn't obstructive to our personal goals and desires.

Rules are only really necessary to bridge the gaps where there is incompatibility. If both me and my partner hate people in our home, neither of us have to make rules about limiting guests because we will both tend towards avoiding them in the first place.
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Surely if all we need is unfettered freedom and hope with no rules then we don't need any books, groups, support networks and forums. Just one sentence to guide us.
 
Amygdala said:
Surely if all we need is unfettered freedom and hope with no rules then we don't need any books, groups, support networks and forums. Just one sentence to guide us.
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I don't really think this is that far off. My husband and I have agreements, but our basic "rule" is, don't be an asshole. I think that covers most of it, honestly.
 
Yeah, I don't have rules with either of my partners, just intents. The support groups and forums? THOSE are to help me work on the actual not being an asshole part - it's a simple rule, but not easy. ;-)
 
Magdlyn said:
I owe Amygdala (and other new members) an apology. I reread the Guidelines this morning and I did NOT see a request for nicknames for spouses, partners or metamours! I only saw a suggestion to make sure you, yourself, were anonymously named. I am sure that also means protecting the anonymity of your partners, but just saying "wife" or "lover" would do that.

I could have sworn I did read the recommendation for nicknames for all parties at one point. I PMed AutumnalTone to ask that it be added to the Guidelines, since it doesn't seem to be there now!

Kevin, would look into that too, in the mod lounge?
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Oh thats quite ok!

I just imagine you all drawing V's and W's mapping out our triads and quads and god knows what using just wife. BF, SO, and various acronyms and finding that quite mind boggling!

so from that angle i concede that 'mary is with tom who is with jane who is with joe who is also with sally.. might be easier! :)
 
PinkPig said:
I haven't responded because I've had out of town company. In this case, the OP made it clear he requested to open the relationship which makes it different, imo than if he was opening at his wife's request. I'm more like his wife, casual hook ups don't work for me. When you open, that's a risk you take.... that how you do open will be different from how your partner does open. Making arbitrary rules to try to control the situation are ineffective and can cause resentment. Better to figure out what you really want and need to feel secure and negotiate for that (as opposed to focusing on what your Meta is getting and comparing that to what you're getting. ) I never said OP's wife should just do what she wants without considering OP's feelings. And yes, going from 0 to 100 isn't kind or loving to the existing partner. OP's wife seems to know this now. Making mistakes when opening is inevitable. How you make amends for those is to be more mindful and caring towards all your partners going forward.

I don't have any experience opening a relationship. I was in a 25 year mono, codependent relationship. Post divorce I've only been in open relationships. I personally think mono relationships should do the work of detangling before they open. Unfortunately, it seems many choose the harder way and open first. .
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Indeed we opened at my request. Through the 3 year process where it took 3 years before PIV was even allowed we did a lot of detangling and setting rules and then removing them, setting boundaries and then moving them. This was all done before actual intercourse even occurred. These got moved and removed as we did learn they didn't work. We did make mistakes in communications in that process and in so many ways I wish I in particular handled it better than I did at the time.

That said, the work done means the likely agreements we come up with to handle poly in our lives will be less restricting and more about easing into a new situation. And most likely to be a far faster trip than 3 years. I hope.

Opening an existing relationship is tough. (not to say other journeys are not)
 
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