Am I unreasonable?

Amygdala

New member
Hi All I truly hope this forum is a safe haven and helpful. My first post was introductory, ''I'm a PUD"

Ok... Am I being unreasonable? This might get long winded but perhaps some backstory would be asked for if i neglect to put in in.

We are in an open marriage. Began the trip about 3 years ago and man, hard work. Anyway, we worked out that while I am more just 'open' to encounters the wife is definitely Poly. She cannot and will not function sexually with some one unless it can go much deeper or the connection is powerful and intense.

I sort of wish she was not poly, but hey it is what it is. I love her dearly and want her to be fulfilled.

She had her first taste of poly maybe 8 months ago. It was the most intense, joyous, compersion filled, scary, stressful and angst ridden 6 weeks of my life. It ended in part because the guy was a single monogamist who realized he couldn't 'have her full time'' and so he went back to his ex. The end broke my wife.

The angst for me was that she went from zero to 100 mph straight out of the gun. We did a lot of talking before hand but the speed at which she went left me spinning. Within one week she declared she would not be prepared to stop. Within two weeks she was pushing for 3 or 4 days a week with this guy. I was like, whoa whoa whoa slow down! let me get used to this.

She did not like this, resented it a lot. This was her 'reward' for all the 3 years of opening up. She felt that if she couldn't give him almost full time attention she would lose this incredible man. She knows on reflelction how she proceeded was wrong so PLEASE don't hate on her! It was her first experience and it was intoxicating.

Which brings me to my leading question: Am I being unreasonable.

8 months later this guy is likely to pop back up in her life. He is breaking up with the woman he went back to (and we thought it would happen) And if not him, some other person no doubt at some as yet future time.

In preparation for what I feel is inevitable we have begun talking about her poly and this guy (or more correctly, I have been trying to talk about this)

For the next time, I am asking her to only see another lover one day per week (which has been my routine when i can find a lover) at least until I am more secure and feel like this is under some sort of control rather than 100 mph. She on the other hand does not think this is a fair request at all even though she says she will meet that requirement. She does not think she can form a meaningful relationship at that pace.

When we were opening up in general, her rule was 'baby steps' and progressing 'only as fast as the slowest person' (her). Now I am asking her do do the same at my pace. Is this fair? I just cant go ''sure honey, do whatever whenever you like and even see him more than me" Or should I?

Is it wrong for me to wish she would stay away from single people who are monogamous and want to fall in love with and ''have'' her as theirs, such is the mentality.

I really do want her to have the best of both worlds, our marriage AND a lover or two.

Thanks
 

SEASONEDpolyAgain

Active member
It can be both a fair request and something she isn't prepared to accommodate. Most requests are not inherently unfair. What they might do is indicate how someone values and prioritizes the people and relationships in their lives and how suited their current structure is to their goals and desires.

3 years is a long time for me. I think it is generally a bad idea to speak about something for so long and not act on it once the desire to act has been established. I think it leads to problems like these.

What I think is telling is that you assume we would "beat up on her" for wanting something different than you do. Why would you think that? Maybe we will "beat up on" you because you are trying to hold her back. Or maybe neither because you just want different things.

If she does agree to this arrangement, I strongly suggest you put a date on the end of this rather than waiting for a feeling. So agree that on 1st Jan 2021, she can make dates as and when she feels it appropriate rather than waiting for you to feel more secure.
 

Amygdala

New member
It can be both a fair request and something she isn't prepared to accommodate. Most requests are not inherently unfair. What they might do is indicate how someone values and prioritizes the people and relationships in their lives and how suited their current structure is to their goals and desires.

3 years is a long time for me. I think it is generally a bad idea to speak about something for so long and not act on it once the desire to act has been established. I think it leads to problems like these.

I was patient :)

What I think is telling is that you assume we would "beat up on her" for wanting something different than you do. Why would you think that? Maybe we will "beat up on" you because you are trying to hold her back. Or maybe neither because you just want different things.

I have had bad experiences on general relationship forums where most people are mono and just don't 'get it' and get quite mean and derogatory about alternative lifestyles..hence the plea that it seems i do not need to have here.

If she does agree to this arrangement, I strongly suggest you put a date on the end of this rather than waiting for a feeling. So agree that on 1st Jan 2021, she can make dates as and when she feels it appropriate rather than waiting for you to feel more secure.

I will think on that idea. It would give her light at the end of the tunnel as to when she might be able to step it up a notch and give me a firm time frame to sort out my own fears.

thank you.
 

PinkPig

Active member
If your wife is wanting poly relationships, she is unlikely to be happy with this restriction and it's likely to cause resentments on her side. The thing is limiting her physical time with the new partner/s will not prevent you from feeling pushed aside or disregarded. If she can't physically be present with him, she may start texting, calling, face timing constantly. Then you're stuck still feeling cast aside, just she'll be physically at home but mentally with him.

It sounds to me like it was two issues you were dealing with: 1- unchecked NRE on her side, and 2-jealousy and insecurity on your side. In my opinion, it would be better to work on these issues rather than focus on creating rules.

For the NRE, you can ask for what you need (such as x number of nights sleeping at home, y number of dates per week where you focus on just the two of you, no texting and calling others during date time, reconnection time after her dates, etc.) This is much more likely to leave you feeling wanted than just having her physically present but mentally checked out. When figuring out what you need, don't focus on what she'll be giving another guy, figure out what YOU actually want. Even in mono relationships we need time for ourselves, our friends, and our hobbies apart from our partners. For your wife's part, she has to be willing to really be present with you during your time together and not focused on her bf.

On the jealousy and insecurity issues, that is something you need to work on yourself. It's not fair to your wife to expect her to restrict herself in order to accommodate your jealousy and insecurity! If you do a search for jealousy on this site, you'll find lots of resources for helping you work through those issues. Another option is a poly friendly therapist.

Last thing, if you didn't do the work of detangling your relationship before opening, you may want to pause the dating others to do that.
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Hi, Ammygdala, welcome to our forum!

Hi All I truly hope this forum is a safe haven and helpful.

It really is. You have come to the right place. We have many very experienced, sensitive and intelligent polyamorists here. We have heard it all, and many of our members are quite talented in counseling newer practitioners. :)

My first post was introductory, ''I'm a PUD."

OK, "polyamory under duress." You feel more polysexual, your wife (who needs a nickname as per our Guidelines) is more polyamorous. These states can be compatible.

We are in an open marriage. Began the trip about 3 years ago and man, hard work... I am more just 'open' to encounters, the wife is definitely polyamorous. She cannot and will not function sexually with some one unless it can go much deeper or the connection is powerful and intense.

This is a very common way to be. Many of us aren't interested in sex unless we are quite fond of someone as a friend first. We go by someone's mind and spirit, not just their body.

I sort of wish she was not poly, but hey, it is what it is. I love her dearly and want her to be fulfilled.

I guess you wish she didn't get infatuated. We call that "new relationship energy." It is a hormonal state, put in place by nature for pair bonding. Newbies can and do get carried away by it, and can be assholes and neglect their established partner. With experience, people can learn to enjoy the rush of NRE without being dicks about it to everyone else!

She had her first taste of poly maybe 8 months ago. It was the most intense, joyous, compersion filled, scary, stressful and angst ridden 6 weeks of my life. It ended in part because the guy was a single monogamist who realized he couldn't 'have her full time'' and so he went back to his ex. The end broke my wife.

The angst for me was that she went from zero to 100 mph straight out of the gun. We did a lot of talking beforehand, but the speed at which she went left me spinning.

It is always the case that the theory of polyamory is different than the act of it. No matter how much research and talking you do, the ride is unpredictable and can be overwhelming. Think back to your own states of infatuation you have had. Did you get obsessed? Sometimes it can disturb your sleep, make you lose your appetite, etc.

Within one week she declared she would not be prepared to stop. Within two weeks she was pushing for 3 or 4 days a week with this guy. I was like, whoa whoa whoa slow down! let me get used to this.

She did not like this, resented it a lot. This was her 'reward' for all the 3 years of opening up. She felt that if she couldn't give him almost full time attention she would lose this incredible man...

8 months later this guy is likely to pop back up in her life. He is breaking up with the woman he went back to.

In preparation for what I feel is inevitable, we have begun talking about her poly and this guy (or more correctly, I have been trying to talk about this).

For the next time, I am asking her to only see another lover one day per week (which has been my routine when i can find a lover) at least until I am more secure and feel like this is under some sort of control, rather than 100 mph. She, on the other hand, does not think this is a fair request at all, even though she says she will meet that requirement. She does not think she can form a meaningful relationship at that pace.

When we were opening up in general, her rule was 'baby steps' and progressing 'only as fast as the slowest person' (her). Now I am asking her do do the same at my pace. Is this fair? I just cant go ''sure honey, do whatever whenever you like and even see him more than me" Or should I?

It can be difficult to deal with NRE, as I said above. Have you and she read up on it much? There's a great book for couples called Opening Up, which deals with all the speedbumps on open relationships, such as NRE issues.

I would think one or maybe 2 dates a week would suffice for the first few months of practicing polyamory. After all, this guy may not be a long term runner. Sometimes initial attraction does not translate into a long term relationship. So it's helpful to not over commit right away. You can also set up agreements around "text dates" or phone calls, displays of affection in front of you, safer sex practices, and meeting your needs for focused dates, quality time and sex. After all, if she is polyamorous, it means she loves you and wants to keep you, right? If she acts like an asshole in NRE, she could lose you!


Is it wrong for me to wish she would stay away from single people who are monogamous and want to fall in love with and ''have'' her as theirs, such is the mentality.

It's never wrong to wish or feel things. But if this guy wants to rope her off and make her solely his, we call that cowboying. Your wife would have to consent to this, of course, and leave you willingly. She should be made aware of your fears of outright losing her to him or to some other lover.

That said, it's quite possible, as a poly person, to date and love a mono person who doesn't want anyone else, and is content with sharing her with her husband or other lovers. But I don't know if this guy is that kind of person. So, keep an eye on things.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle.

In preparation for what I feel is inevitable we have begun talking about her poly and this guy (or more correctly, I have been trying to talk about this)

Is that about your anxiety? Does she even want to deal in this ex any more?

You guys still might need to talk about the next time she dates, but maybe not make it be about this one guy?

Could talk about messy people. Who are those to her? Bosses? Relatives?
Taking up with someone who is NOT actually poly and wants her to himself?

To me that would not be compatible if what she wants is poly with you, her, and a new partner. You can ask her who her "messy people" are and what her take on exes is -- when it is and is not ok to her to take them back?

Just so you know what to expect/what's she's thinking at this time.

She knows on reflelction how she proceeded was wrong so PLEASE don't hate on her! It was her first experience and it was intoxicating.

She seems to own that she went at too fast before from inexperience.

You could ask her how she plans to balance time with you, and time with a new partner the second time around to NOT repeat the experience.


I really do want her to have the best of both worlds, our marriage AND a lover or two.

You don't sound unwilling. You just don't want to be in for another round of NRE wacky where she's obsessing with the new partner while kinda taking you for granted or not seeing how her gung-ho behavior disrupts the household.

Galagirl
 
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vinsanity0

Active member
Define "unreasonable". It is not unreasonable to have these feelings. They are somewhat normal. IMO it is unreasonable to think that the rules you wish to set forth are a solution.

It's not really possible to regulate how another person will feel about someone. If your wife is demisexual how can you expect her to just have casual sex? That's not going to work.

So, you are suggesting she slow down to your speed now. What are you doing to get up to her speed? Are you actively working on your jealousy issues? Or are you just hoping that if you hold her back she will eventually just give it up?

You are not okay with poly. You have to ask yourself if you will ever be okay with it. If not, then you have some decisions to make.
 

Amygdala

New member
thanks

If your wife is wanting poly relationships, she is unlikely to be happy with this restriction and it's likely to cause resentments on her side. The thing is limiting her physical time with the new partner/s will not prevent you from feeling pushed aside or disregarded. If she can't physically be present with him, she may start texting, calling, face timing constantly. Then you're stuck still feeling cast aside, just she'll be physically at home but mentally with him.

It sounds to me like it was two issues you were dealing with: 1- unchecked NRE on her side, and 2-jealousy and insecurity on your side. In my opinion, it would be better to work on these issues rather than focus on creating rules.

For the NRE, you can ask for what you need (such as x number of nights sleeping at home, y number of dates per week where you focus on just the two of you, no texting and calling others during date time, reconnection time after her dates, etc.) This is much more likely to leave you feeling wanted than just having her physically present but mentally checked out. When figuring out what you need, don't focus on what she'll be giving another guy, figure out what YOU actually want. Even in mono relationships we need time for ourselves, our friends, and our hobbies apart from our partners. For your wife's part, she has to be willing to really be present with you during your time together and not focused on her bf.

On the jealousy and insecurity issues, that is something you need to work on yourself. It's not fair to your wife to expect her to restrict herself in order to accommodate your jealousy and insecurity! If you do a search for jealousy on this site, you'll find lots of resources for helping you work through those issues. Another option is a poly friendly therapist.

Last thing, if you didn't do the work of detangling your relationship before opening, you may want to pause the dating others to do that.

I agree she is not totally happy with that restriction although she can see where I am coming from.

Yes it is coming from my jealousy and insecurity issues. Work I need to do. I have done a lot of work on that already, this one experience shell shocked me at how caught up she became and how she was at that time not able to feel empathy. It scares me for next time and why I am anxious for her to also see then need to take it a bit slower to start with.

We also did a lot of detangling before this and are also on the cusp of transitioning to living apart together for a host of reasons not related to sex or polyamory and not related to problems in the relationship. Perhaps in some other thread i might go into those things.
 

Amygdala

New member
thankyou, i feel safe here.

Hi, Ammygdala, welcome to our forum!

I guess you wish she didn't get infatuated. We call that "new relationship energy." It is a hormonal state, put in place by nature for pair bonding. Newbies can and do get carried away by it, and can be assholes and neglect their established partner. With experience, people can learn to enjoy the rush of NRE without being dicks about it to everyone else!

It is always the case that the theory of polyamory is different than the act of it. No matter how much research and talking you do, the ride is unpredictable and can be overwhelming.

It can be difficult to deal with NRE, as I said above. Have you and she read up on it much? There's a great book for couples called Opening Up, which deals with all the speedbumps on open relationships, such as NRE issues.

I would think one or maybe 2 dates a week would suffice for the first few months of practicing polyamory. After all, this guy may not be a long term runner. Sometimes initial attraction does not translate into a long term relationship. So it's helpful to not over commit right away. You can also set up agreements around "text dates" or phone calls, displays of affection in front of you, safer sex practices, and meeting your needs for focused dates, quality time and sex. After all, if she is polyamorous, it means she loves you and wants to keep you, right? If she acts like an asshole in NRE, she could lose you!

It's never wrong to wish or feel things. But if this guy wants to rope her off and make her solely his, we call that cowboying. Your wife would have to consent to this, of course, and leave you willingly. She should be made aware of your fears of outright losing her to him or to some other lover.

That said, it's quite possible, as a poly person, to date and love a mono person who doesn't want anyone else, and is content with sharing her with her husband or other lovers. But I don't know if this guy is that kind of person. So, keep an eye on things.

The infatuation was mind blowing! I/ we expected it as we have actually done a LOT of reading several books, listended to a ton of podcasts... talked a lot first. My daughter is an a poly triad and we actually have a very good line of communication. Yes, i wish she did take my feelings into account more at that time. She knows now that she was overboard and why it happened.

I do want to help her develop her loves but also to understand some pace is a good thing all round while in NRE. Not to step on me so to speak. I'm not wanting to stop her, i'm wanting a bit of 'ease in' for myself.

Funny thing during that 6 weeks, I was perfectly fine with lots of texting and sexting going on.

The guy wasn't a cowboy, but gee he still would have kept her if he could have. He bowed out which i was pleased about and sad about for my wife, it really hurt her badly and it pained me so much to see.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I had another thought... if you are experiencing weird because she gets caught up in NRE or even poly hell things....

For the next time, I am asking her to only see another lover one day per week (which has been my routine when i can find a lover)

Could accept her routine might be different than yours. Not ask for sameness.

Once a week might work for you and your lovers. Not so much for her and her lovers. Would it kill you if it was 2 nights she was out? You just don't want it to be 7 nights a week, right? SOME time needs to be spent with you.

Rather than talking about how many nights she spends dating potentials, change to how many nights YOU need to feel good.

Cuz you could tell her to stop bowling every night. That doesn't mean she's gonna spend her nights with you. She might take up volleyball.

Like ask for what you actually want -- it sounds like you want time with her.

at least until I am more secure and feel like this is under some sort of control rather than 100 mph.

THIS is the concern. You want it to feel stable and not all over the place.

When we were opening up in general, her rule was 'baby steps' and progressing 'only as fast as the slowest person' (her). Now I am asking her do do the same at my pace. Is this fair? "

Well, you didn't have to agree when she asked you that. Best to not compare asks. Because what she needed in the past isn't necessarily what you need in the present.

Focus on what you need TODAY.

I just cant go ''sure honey, do whatever whenever you like and even see him more than me" Or should I?

Is that what you want? You seem to want to not be lost in the shuffle.

If your concern is being neglected, could you ask for that? Like "I don't want to be taken for granted. I would like our own dates to be on your calendar too and not like your new interest gets all your time and energy. Past that, enjoy your poly dating. So... could you please be willing to schedule time with me and not let your whole calendar be taken up with dating new potential? That is my suggestions -- a clearer calendar.

What's your suggestion for a more balanced approach this time and not like last time where it was 0-100 mph?"

Have the conversations you need to have.

Otherwise if you learn that your wife has some kind of "kid in a candy store" way of dating that you find off putting... you might have other things to talk about and some other decisions to make.

Galagirl
 

Amygdala

New member
Is that about your anxiety? Does she even want to deal in this ex any more?

You guys still might need to talk about the next time she dates, but maybe not make it be about this one guy?

Could talk about messy people. Who are those to her? Bosses? Relatives?
Taking up with someone who is NOT actually poly and wants her to himself?

To me that would not be compatible if what she wants is poly with you, her, and a new partner. You can ask her who her "messy people" are and what her take on exes is -- when it is and is not ok to her to take them back?

Just so you know what to expect/what's she's thinking at this time.

She seems to own that she went at too fast before from inexperience.

You could ask her how she plans to balance time with you, and time with a new partner the second time around to NOT repeat the experience.


You don't sound unwilling. You just don't want to be in for another round of NRE wacky where she's obsessing with the new partner while kinda taking you for granted or not seeing how her gung-ho behavior disrupts the household.

Galagirl

Thanks Galagirl.
Yes this is all about my anxiety. Personality wise i am anxious preoccupied with a healthy does of abandonment issues! And YES, she would see this guy again in a heartbeat. They stayed platonic friends with the occassional coffee catch up and I am fine with that and his return IF my wife is able to control the NRE better second time round. We both learnt a lot over that encounter.

I always know what she is thinking as she is brutally honest :) and yes she knows she went too fast.

I will ask her how she plans to balance time with me and a lover. For me, my sense of security gets rattled when she wants to actively spend more time with a lover than with me.
 

Amygdala

New member
Define "unreasonable". It is not unreasonable to have these feelings. They are somewhat normal. IMO it is unreasonable to think that the rules you wish to set forth are a solution.

It's not really possible to regulate how another person will feel about someone. If your wife is demisexual how can you expect her to just have casual sex? That's not going to work.

So, you are suggesting she slow down to your speed now. What are you doing to get up to her speed? Are you actively working on your jealousy issues? Or are you just hoping that if you hold her back she will eventually just give it up?

You are not okay with poly. You have to ask yourself if you will ever be okay with it. If not, then you have some decisions to make.

i mean, was it , is it unfair of me to place any restrictions going in that make me feel safer in the journey.
I know casual sex is not for her, i dont expect her to be, just a wish 'sigh' that it would be easier to handle for me!!
I had not thought about getting up to her speed. Interesting. I am working on jealousy issues and no i do not wish her to give up, just to be a a bit more controlled and willing to pace it at the start.

One concept we came accross that she used on me during our opening up phase was to take things at the slower persons pace, baby steps. Thats what we did, all the opening up was at her pace. All I am wishing for is the same for her poly life, just take it at my slower pace till i get warmed up and safe. This of course means i have to do work on myself the same as she did. But it takes time.
 

Amygdala

New member
I had another thought... if you are experiencing weird because she gets caught up in NRE or even poly hell things....

Could accept her routine might be different than yours. Not ask for sameness.

Once a week might work for you and your lovers. Not so much for her and her lovers. Would it kill you if it was 2 nights she was out? You just don't want it to be 7 nights a week, right? SOME time needs to be spent with you.

Rather than talking about how many nights she spends dating potentials, change to how many nights YOU need to feel good.

Cuz you could tell her to stop bowling every night. That doesn't mean she's gonna spend her nights with you. She might take up volleyball.

Like ask for what you actually want -- it sounds like you want time with her.



THIS is the concern. You want it to feel stable and not all over the place.



Well, you didn't have to agree when she asked you that. Best to not compare asks. Because what she needed in the past isn't necessarily what you need in the present.

Focus on what you need TODAY.



Is that what you want? You seem to want to not be lost in the shuffle.

If your concern is being neglected, could you ask for that? Like "I don't want to be taken for granted. I would like our own dates to be on your calendar too and not like your new interest gets all your time and energy. Past that, enjoy your poly dating. So... could you please be willing to schedule time with me and not let your whole calendar be taken up with dating new potential? That is my suggestions -- a clearer calendar.

What's your suggestion for a more balanced approach this time and not like last time where it was 0-100 mph?"

Have the conversations you need to have.

Otherwise if you learn that your wife has some kind of "kid in a candy store" way of dating that you find off putting... you might have other things to talk about and some other decisions to make.

Galagirl

Yes I can accept a different schedule. No it wont kill me if it was two nights. The NRE that first time led her to want to spend up to 4 nights away and 3 with me. I just could not deal with that.
Yes, I need stability and routine that's all. We've had those conversations you speak of, still having them. hmm.. a calender, interesting!
My idea of a balanced approach is just one day a week to start, to control a little for NRE and then to graduate into more time as my trust grows, my insecurities lessen etc. I don't want to lock her into a life of one night for ever.
She is not a kid in a candy store that's for sure
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Amygdala,

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your wife to slow down a little on the next go-round. I do think she needs concrete timetables on how long each restriction will last. So, instead of saying, "One night per week until I feel more secure," say, "One night per week for the first month; then, two nights per week for the next three months; then, three nights per week from then on, not to exceed three nights as I need at least four nights per week." Something to that effect. Something so that she knows when she can expect some relief from any given rule. This way she (more likely) doesn't resent you, and doesn't chafe (so much) under the restrictions.

On wanting her to stay away from single monogamists who want to "have her as theirs," I can't tell whether that's because you're afraid they'll "steal her from you," or whether it's because you just don't like the idea of the other guy having a possessive attitude, or even a combination of the two. You seem to have the problem of getting jealous, while she seems to have the problem of drowning in NRE. You each need to work on these problems, respectively, so that you can both (hopefully) come to a patch of middle ground. Maybe she could be the one to decide what restrictions she'll follow? then she won't feel like it's you doing it to her. Just a thought.

I hope the two of you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
On the jealousy and insecurity issues, that is something you need to work on yourself. It's not fair to your wife to expect her to restrict herself in order to accommodate your jealousy and insecurity! If you do a search for jealousy on this site, you'll find lots of resources for helping you work through those issues. Another option is a poly friendly therapist.


I’m sorry but 0 to 100 and spending 4 nights a week out or sleeping over sort of drives jealousy and insecurity. ITS THE FALLOUT FROM HER ACTIONS !

Oh yeah the OP should get a hobby or adopt a pet or something that will make the relationship with his/ her wife “ feel” more secure. In the 0-100 mph situation how does one work on feeling less demoted and less displaced? Be thankful it wasn’t more than 4 nights of intrusion for what you had grown accustom to ???


I don’t think I’d put any restrictions or limitations or requests on how often she sees her bf. What I would say is use your best judgment and don’t be shocked or upset when there is no relationship or marriage to come back to. You mentioned 8 month in the OP and one can absorb a lot of paper cuts in the spirit of being a team player but there is such a thing as death by a 1000 paper cuts too.

We hear that communication is the key. Well IMO actions in some of this stuff speak louder and more forceful than words sometimes. And lots of times these are in contradiction from one another. I think sometimes less words or less negotiations and more honest actions can smooth out the bumps in these transitions.
 
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Amygdala

New member
Hello Amygdala,

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your wife to slow down a little on the next go-round. I do think she needs concrete timetables on how long each restriction will last. So, instead of saying, "One night per week until I feel more secure," say, "One night per week for the first month; then, two nights per week for the next three months; then, three nights per week from then on, not to exceed three nights as I need at least four nights per week." Something to that effect. Something so that she knows when she can expect some relief from any given rule. This way she (more likely) doesn't resent you, and doesn't chafe (so much) under the restrictions.

On wanting her to stay away from single monogamists who want to "have her as theirs," I can't tell whether that's because you're afraid they'll "steal her from you," or whether it's because you just don't like the idea of the other guy having a possessive attitude, or even a combination of the two. You seem to have the problem of getting jealous, while she seems to have the problem of drowning in NRE. You each need to work on these problems, respectively, so that you can both (hopefully) come to a patch of middle ground. Maybe she could be the one to decide what restrictions she'll follow? then she won't feel like it's you doing it to her. Just a thought.

I hope the two of you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

We have talked briefly today about the speed and the one day a week thing, she is naturally in favor of a time limit to this type of restriction. We will also consider all of your comment on that.

My fear is of being dumped and also of no longer being important to my wife. I accept that as MY fear and mine to work on though. My only issues seem to relate to security/ time devoted.

I am sure we will reach middle ground. We both learnt a lot from that whirlwind encounter, both did a lot of things right but also both did a lot of things wrong. It is the later we both seek to not repeat.
 

Amygdala

New member
I’m sorry but 0 to 100 and spending 4 nights a week out or sleeping over sort of drives jealousy and insecurity. ITS THE FALLOUT FROM HER ACTIONS !

Oh yeah the OP should get a hobby or adopt a pet or something that will make the relationship with his/ her wife “ feel” more secure. In the 0-100 mph situation how does one work on feeling less demoted and less displaced? Be thankful it wasn’t more than 4 nights of intrusion for what you had grown accustom to ???


I don’t think I’d put any restrictions or limitations or requests on how often she sees her bf. What I would say is use your best judgment and don’t be shocked or upset when there is no relationship or marriage to come back to. You mentioned 8 month in the OP and one can absorb a lot of paper cuts in the spirit of being a team player but there is such a thing as death by a 1000 paper cuts too.

We hear that communication is the key. Well IMO actions in some of this stuff speak louder and more forceful than words sometimes. And lots of times these are in contradiction from one another. I think sometimes less words or less negotiations and more honest actions can smooth out the bumps in these transitions.

I need to be clearer on one point here I think. The ''3 or 4 nights'' situation was her ardently expressed desire, not her actions. In the midst of the whirlwind 100 mph NRE she certainly wanted it to be available and it is that that drove the instant fear in me. That and feeling like I just met my replacement. Jealousy as fear raised its head. I knew what was happening but at the time it didn't make it easier. I don't think our newbie experience was at all rare, we just don't want to repeat it and to be better equipped with good advice.

Correct, the thought/desire of such was instantly unsettling to me. Yes it was fallout from the situation. 8 months was about when the 6 week relationship started occurred, it has not been 8 months of her torturing me.

Bearing in mind this her first poly experience and my fist witnessing it, I think we have done remarkably well. What we are looking for now is the support, knowledge and wisdom to approach the next time differently.

I have hobbies :) Cant get to them at present unfortunately...as for pets... we do have 2 goats, 3 sheep, 4 chook's, 8 ducks and 3 cats, not sure I need more!!

As for the risk of no relationship at some point, well that is a risk everybody takes, open, poly or monogamous when there has been tensions. We have eyes wide open. It is not like my wife cannot see that it was an excessive want so quickly.

We are committed to working out all this stuff before the second go round arrives.
 

PinkPig

Active member
I’m sorry but 0 to 100 and spending 4 nights a week out or sleeping over sort of drives jealousy and insecurity. ITS THE FALLOUT FROM HER ACTIONS !

Oh yeah the OP should get a hobby or adopt a pet or something that will make the relationship with his/ her wife “ feel” more secure. In the 0-100 mph situation how does one work on feeling less demoted and less displaced? Be thankful it wasn’t more than 4 nights of intrusion for what you had grown accustom to ???


I don’t think I’d put any restrictions or limitations or requests on how often she sees her bf. What I would say is use your best judgment and don’t be shocked or upset when there is no relationship or marriage to come back to. You mentioned 8 month in the OP and one can absorb a lot of paper cuts in the spirit of being a team player but there is such a thing as death by a 1000 paper cuts too.

We hear that communication is the key. Well IMO actions in some of this stuff speak louder and more forceful than words sometimes. And lots of times these are in contradiction from one another. I think sometimes less words or less negotiations and more honest actions can smooth out the bumps in these transitions.

My point wasn't that she should be free to do whatever she wants. My point was that the OP should ask for what he wants, not just make arbitrary rules thinking the rules will protect her from going crazy with NRE again. Imo, rules just don't work... they're breeding ground for resentments.... relationship traps that erode the relationship rather than protect it. And they usually don't even address what the person imposing the rule wants.

Honestly it doesn't even sound like the OP needs this one night rule....he just doesn't trust her not to become consumed with a new partner again. Really what he wants is that she take it slower, not jump in with both feet at the onset, and spend more of her time with him rather than new guy. And maybe be more present with him when they're together. That would be the healthier thing to ask for IMO. Asking for what we want encourages communication. Focusing on the rule rather than the need takes the focus off the need.... and it's the need you want to address.
 
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dingedheart

Well-known member
My point wasn't that she should be free to do whatever she wants. My point was that the OP should ask for what he wants, not just make arbitrary rules thinking the rules will protect her from going crazy with NRE again.

not to beat a dead horse but you specifically state this is his or her issues and that it’s unfair to restrict herself in order to “ accommodate “ these silly feelings

On the jealousy and insecurity issues, that is something you need to work on yourself. It's not fair to your wife to expect her to restrict herself in order to accommodate your jealousy and insecurity!

To me it seem more than a little fair to entertain some restrictions when the jealousy and insecurity is generated by her actions. And if she can’t see that that might breed resentment too.

Imo, rules just don't work... they're breeding ground for resentments.... relationship traps that erode the relationship rather than protect it. And they usually don't even address what the person imposing the rule wants.

So she should be free to do whatever she wants ??


In the 0-100 mph situation how does one work on feeling less demoted and less displaced? Be thankful it wasn’t more than 4 nights of intrusion for what you had grown accustom to ???

I was asking a sincere question in this. Basically going from having a large percentage of her available time to being cut in half or more than half. And they disentangle to allow her to become more entangled with the new guy. Outside of the mental game or the weaning off center universe idea how is that actually make a marriage stronger at the end of the day. Basically you’re taking a crowbar and creating space or distance to allow something to grow in that space . And we can debate all day about what’s healthy and what’s unhealthy and codependent, etc. I’m saying for an average married couple ( not sure there is such a thing so I’m just throwing this out there ) they develop their routines based on their time, interests , desire and circumstances. Disentangling usually means in a time/ attention practical sense but no one ever talks about the emotional piece. Would it be smart to retire wedding/ engagement rings, etc?
I mean the relationship has seriously changed and the old relationship in which those were exchanged is no longer so keeping with the process of disentanglement it’s a good start ??? Thoughts ??
 

breathemusic

Active member
OP are you definitely planning to transition to living separately? If so, when is that happening?

I'm also a proponent for asking for what you need instead of restricting interactions with others. If what you need is to feel like she's spending at least half or more of her time with you, then ask for that, and then realize that the time that you haven't asked for is time that she should be able to divvy up however she wants between friends, lovers, etc. And then figure out what calendaring looks like. If you ultimately decide that you're going to spend at least 4 days a week together (be that 1 on 1 time or going out with friends, or whatever), then calendar out those days. But also talk about what it would look like when another partner/date is in the picture and how you calendar with them. Is there priority over calendaring or are you both comfortable with easily swapping days (upon request, not demand) to try and accommodate people's schedules.

I think it's important to ultimately figure out a way to define "this is the level of interaction I need to feel good about the relationship" and then outside of that, what each of you do with your own time should be your own business. This will be especially noticeable if you live apart, because realistically you WILL have to actively plan your time together, and when you aren't planning to be in each other's spaces, well you won't actively see who is doing what with whom, so it will likely feel less jarring.
 
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