Hi All I truly hope this forum is a safe haven and helpful. My first post was introductory, ''I'm a PUD"
Ok... Am I being unreasonable? This might get long winded but perhaps some backstory would be asked for if i neglect to put in in.
We are in an open marriage. Began the trip about 3 years ago and man, hard work. Anyway, we worked out that while I am more just 'open' to encounters the wife is definitely Poly. She cannot and will not function sexually with some one unless it can go much deeper or the connection is powerful and intense.
I sort of wish she was not poly, but hey it is what it is. I love her dearly and want her to be fulfilled.
She had her first taste of poly maybe 8 months ago. It was the most intense, joyous, compersion filled, scary, stressful and angst ridden 6 weeks of my life. It ended in part because the guy was a single monogamist who realized he couldn't 'have her full time'' and so he went back to his ex. The end broke my wife.
The angst for me was that she went from zero to 100 mph straight out of the gun. We did a lot of talking before hand but the speed at which she went left me spinning. Within one week she declared she would not be prepared to stop. Within two weeks she was pushing for 3 or 4 days a week with this guy. I was like, whoa whoa whoa slow down! let me get used to this.
She did not like this, resented it a lot. This was her 'reward' for all the 3 years of opening up. She felt that if she couldn't give him almost full time attention she would lose this incredible man. She knows on reflelction how she proceeded was wrong so PLEASE don't hate on her! It was her first experience and it was intoxicating.
Which brings me to my leading question: Am I being unreasonable.
8 months later this guy is likely to pop back up in her life. He is breaking up with the woman he went back to (and we thought it would happen) And if not him, some other person no doubt at some as yet future time.
In preparation for what I feel is inevitable we have begun talking about her poly and this guy (or more correctly, I have been trying to talk about this)
For the next time, I am asking her to only see another lover one day per week (which has been my routine when i can find a lover) at least until I am more secure and feel like this is under some sort of control rather than 100 mph. She on the other hand does not think this is a fair request at all even though she says she will meet that requirement. She does not think she can form a meaningful relationship at that pace.
When we were opening up in general, her rule was 'baby steps' and progressing 'only as fast as the slowest person' (her). Now I am asking her do do the same at my pace. Is this fair? I just cant go ''sure honey, do whatever whenever you like and even see him more than me" Or should I?
Is it wrong for me to wish she would stay away from single people who are monogamous and want to fall in love with and ''have'' her as theirs, such is the mentality.
I really do want her to have the best of both worlds, our marriage AND a lover or two.
Thanks
Ok... Am I being unreasonable? This might get long winded but perhaps some backstory would be asked for if i neglect to put in in.
We are in an open marriage. Began the trip about 3 years ago and man, hard work. Anyway, we worked out that while I am more just 'open' to encounters the wife is definitely Poly. She cannot and will not function sexually with some one unless it can go much deeper or the connection is powerful and intense.
I sort of wish she was not poly, but hey it is what it is. I love her dearly and want her to be fulfilled.
She had her first taste of poly maybe 8 months ago. It was the most intense, joyous, compersion filled, scary, stressful and angst ridden 6 weeks of my life. It ended in part because the guy was a single monogamist who realized he couldn't 'have her full time'' and so he went back to his ex. The end broke my wife.
The angst for me was that she went from zero to 100 mph straight out of the gun. We did a lot of talking before hand but the speed at which she went left me spinning. Within one week she declared she would not be prepared to stop. Within two weeks she was pushing for 3 or 4 days a week with this guy. I was like, whoa whoa whoa slow down! let me get used to this.
She did not like this, resented it a lot. This was her 'reward' for all the 3 years of opening up. She felt that if she couldn't give him almost full time attention she would lose this incredible man. She knows on reflelction how she proceeded was wrong so PLEASE don't hate on her! It was her first experience and it was intoxicating.
Which brings me to my leading question: Am I being unreasonable.
8 months later this guy is likely to pop back up in her life. He is breaking up with the woman he went back to (and we thought it would happen) And if not him, some other person no doubt at some as yet future time.
In preparation for what I feel is inevitable we have begun talking about her poly and this guy (or more correctly, I have been trying to talk about this)
For the next time, I am asking her to only see another lover one day per week (which has been my routine when i can find a lover) at least until I am more secure and feel like this is under some sort of control rather than 100 mph. She on the other hand does not think this is a fair request at all even though she says she will meet that requirement. She does not think she can form a meaningful relationship at that pace.
When we were opening up in general, her rule was 'baby steps' and progressing 'only as fast as the slowest person' (her). Now I am asking her do do the same at my pace. Is this fair? I just cant go ''sure honey, do whatever whenever you like and even see him more than me" Or should I?
Is it wrong for me to wish she would stay away from single people who are monogamous and want to fall in love with and ''have'' her as theirs, such is the mentality.
I really do want her to have the best of both worlds, our marriage AND a lover or two.
Thanks