Am I wrong, how to deal if I'm not

Psyche01

Psyche01

New member
My boyfriend and I are going on 3 yrs together. This past year he's been in College full time, paying his own way while working very part time. He still lives at home while he's going to school. Of course I'm fully supportive and while we haven't been spending much time together as a result, 2 days out of the week.

Anyways, we talked second partners and as I had just ended my blooming second relationship, I wasn't to keen on starting another. He did not have a second at the time. This was about 5/6 months ago, btw. So 3 months later, he started talking to a girl, she lives about 45 to an hour away and it was all friendly. Then he told me he was going to visit her so he took the time off work, while complaining that he really needed to pick up more hours. The day came to go visit her and he ended up not leaving until AFTER he would have been done work anyways, so I was a little mad. The second time, we planned to take my son blueberry picking and he had planned to go visit her again.. the same day. I was PISSED but we did go blueberry picking and he didn't go visit her. This third time, again takes the day off work and doesn't leave until AFTER he would have been done his shift, I again was mad. WHY do you need to take the whole day off when you're not going until well later in the day?? He had no response. I'm mad because he can take this time off and yet we spend 2 evenings together with my son around, obviously, so we're doing kid stuff until he's in bed.

Tonight, he texts me saying she came to town but her friend is having a huge party and she has to leave early in the morning and she's sleeping at his house. I DON'T EVEN SLEEP AT HIS HOUSE. I've voiced my feelings many times and I still feel like I'm not being heard but then I thought maybe I'm over reacting and so here I am.
 
I hope you feel better for the vent. You seem upset but it reads a bit convoluted to me. I'm not sure what the bottom line for the upset is. Could you be willing to clarify?

He can choose to take a day off and spend it like he wants to. It is his day off. Maybe he wants to rest first before doing something else?

You sound like you envy him taking days off where he can spend it all with her if he felt like it. Where you would like him to use some of his days off to spend with you -- like while child is in school or something so some of your times together are child free and happen more than just 2x a week. Is that it?

Why be upset she's sleeping at his parents' house? Is it that you want to be invited to sleep there? Is it that you envy she and he are child free and can be more "party and crash" than you can be as a parent? Something else?

Once you sort out what behavior bugs you, could you ask him to stop doing it/start doing something else instead? I could be wrong but right now it sounds like you just blew up mad at him. But didn't ask him to do anything different in his behaviors.

What is your desired outcome?

Galagirl
 
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It's definetly not envy. I'm a WAHM so I make my own hours and I'm past partying days. I think I'm just having an issue with how it started. I went away for a week and came home to him saying he was going to visit her but it was the first time I'd even heard mention of her but he said he had been talking to her for almost 2 months. We share immediatly that we're talking to someone and this one was never mentioned in 2 months.

I have shared my feelings with him so he knows how I feel. Yes he can do what he wants with his days off but don't complain about having the day off when you 'need the money' That is what makes me mad, it's what I hear everytime and I tell him so.
 
Did you both understand the agreement in the same way then? Sounds like he told when he made a date. That counts for him. And you wanted to know before that. How about now? Do you both understand the agreement in the same way now?


I can see needing a day off. I can see needing a better paying job. I can also see needing to not hear complaining when at compassion fatigue. What is your desired outcome? Would you like him to just take the day off without talking to you that day so you do not have to listen to complaining?

Galagirl
 
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I agree with GalaGirl that your initial post here seems very convoluted. (I would add: confusing.) It's hard to know what advice to give when we can't see the picture clearly.

a) You don't tell us how old your son is. Is he in school. How good is the relation between your BF and your son? Are you upset because he took time off work and didn't spend it with you (one-on-one time while your son was at school) or with you and your son (if he's not yet of school age)?

b) Have you considered the possibilities that
1) he meant to start for his visit with girl during the time borrowed off work, but then got nervous and put it off? (In which case I - personally - would prefer him to spend a few hours psyching himself up than taking a couple of shots of whiskey to "steady his nerves" before leaving to see her.)
Or 2) he knew from the start that he needed a few hours to psych himself up?

c)
This past year he's been in College full time, paying his own way [...] Of course I'm fully supportive
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Does this mean that you're helping to support him financially? In which case, I can well understand your being pissed off at his taking days off work while you're passing him money that you have to earn. If not, can't you leave him the responsibiity to deal with his financial situation as he sees fit?

d) I can very well understand your feeling jealous that she has slept at his [parents'] while you haven't ever done so in 3 years. But if you 2 live in the same town city, and (I suppose) you have your own [shared-with-your-son] place, has there ever been a necessity for you to sleep at his place? If she was going to a party in your town, partying until too late to return home, it seems to me a friendly, generous gesture of his (and his parents) to invite her to sleep there, instead of looking for a hotel or driving X miles back to her town late in the night. IF you were partying in another town, wouldn't you appreciate the offer of a welcoming place to stay?

e) Which brings me to my next question: Have they taken it to a sexual level yet? You haven't made this clear. Was she sleeping in his bed at his parents' place... or in the guest room?

f) Which brings me to my next question: How well do you get on with his parents? Is there any jealousy due to their allowing her to sleep over while they would want you to do so?

PLEASE don't get the idea that I'm "getting at you". Dealing with relationships is not easy. Polyamory often complicates the whole thing. But I think that you need to get clear for yourself just which are the issues that you have problems with. If you want advice on this forum, it would be nice if you could give us a bit more background and/or clearer explications of the issues involved. And the best person to give you advice, insight, a better vision of the situation... surely that's your BF? Easier said than done, but if you could speak to him calmly about what's running through your head and the things that bother you about how he's acting, you might be able to BOTH get a better understanding.

I wish you all the best. If your son is young enough not to be made uncomfortable about hugs, give him one from me.
 
I can see not liking his choice to take a day off when he says he needs money, but I don't understand getting angry about it. What does that do to you?

The issue with scheduling two people for two different parts of the day? Again, I don't understand the anger. To me that is just a normal thing to happen.

The kid lives at home. You don't. It is obviously easier for him to stay over at your place, especially if you have younger kids. She is just visiting.

I think the issue is something else. Perhaps new girl is closer to his age? It also sounds like you need more time with him. Perhaps negotiate another day?
 
I can understand being annoyed that he took days off of work while complaining about money. BUT you do not live together. Your finances are not intermingled so in all honestly it is not your concern.

I do not see the problem with seeing more than one partner in a day. That is very often for me.

Of course you don't stay at his parents house. YOU HAVE A CHILD. Why wouldn't you keep the child home and within their own routine. Why wouldn't he come to your house to do overnights.

Myob and allow him to run his other relationships the way he sees fit.
 
Hi Psyche01,

I don't blame you for being annoyed that he whines about needing more work hours, while at the same time taking time off work that he doesn't need off.

I hear that you are upset that he waited for two months before telling you about this new girl. Did he know he was supposed to tell you right away? Was that a formal agreement, or just something the two of you had been doing?

In general, I wonder if you dislike this new girl and would rather he stop seeing her. So, you are looking (not on purpose) for reasons to prove that she is a bad influence on him.

As the others have said, you may want to carefully organize and tabulate your complaints and what is at the root of each complaint. Write it down or type it into a text file. Then you can study it and figure out what to say to him. If you also post it here it will help us give you better advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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