Am I wrong to feel this way?

M

MarcoPolo3211

New member
So my gf and I have been poly for 6 months. We've connected with others together and individually. So far surprisingly enough jealousy hasn't been a problem for me and I've been happy to see her feel free to be herself and connect with others. However, she recently mentioned wanting to join a sugar daddy website to make some extra money. I mentioned to her that I'm uncomfortable with that type of arrangement and she immediately got very defensive. She says it's no different than any other date besides the arrangement for money. I can kind of see her point, but it still makes me uncomfortable, she eventually said that it's her decision, basically completely dismissing my feelings about it. Today she's at a friend's house taking pics for the site knowing I'm not okay with this. Now, I've never told her no to anything, not to a single date, but this is not okay with me. Am I in the wrong here? Should I just let it be? Or should she have more respect for this one wish of mine?
 
That's a tough situation. You definitely aren't wrong to feel the way you feel, because feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. It sounds like your reaction to that feeling is to tell your girlfriend you don't want her to join the sugar daddy site. Whether that *reaction* is right or wrong would depend on who you ask. Some people will say, as your girlfriend did, that it's her decision, she's an autonomous adult who can do what she wants, and it's wrong for you to tell her what to do.

My personal opinion is that it is not wrong to *ask* her not to join the site, but it would be wrong to require her to do as you ask. It's fine to hope that she will agree to your request, and in my opinion it would be nice if she did agree to it, but she isn't obligated to agree, or, to be honest, to consider your feelings when she makes a choice. It's nice to have your feelings considered, but again, she doesn't *have* to.

You ask if you should just accept this or she should respect your feelings. Those aren't the only two options. You have expressed your discomfort to her, so clearly her becoming a sugar baby is something you will have a hard time accepting. That being the case, you could choose *not* to accept it, and leave the relationship. There is no "should," in any case, only "could." She *could* respect your feelings, but apparently, even if she *respects* them, she will not allow them to change her decision. You *could* accept that she's going to do this and continue with the relationship regardless. You *could* end the relationship. I'm sure there are other options as well.

Ultimately, you need to decide whether this decision on her part is a deal-breaker for you, and if it is, you need to be honest with yourself and her about that. If you choose to stay in the relationship, can you manage to love and be supportive of her even though she's made a choice you disagree with? Or will you resent her and hold it against her?
 
OK, now you know she is having sex with others, and now she is joining a site that is basically a front for prostitution. Or I supppose if she takes money from a guy she likes she will not have sex with him right. So you call it what you want.

And for icing on the cake she blows you off like an annoyance because you are not fine with this. Now the next step is full fledged escorting., More money there and easy to slide in to.

Your feelings obviously mean very little. Is this really someone you really want to stay involved with??? Good luck.
 
You are allowed to feel how you feel. Just because you are up for poly doesn't mean you automatically have to be into and up for EVERYTHING.

If this is not ok with you? Could tell her so. (Sounds like you already did.)

If she proceeds and you don't want to be involved with someone doing sugar daddy stuff? It is a deal breaker to you? Could bow out and stop dating her.

That is not telling her what to do. She can keep on doing whatever she wants. That is you respecting YOUR personal limits. You are removing YOURSELF from a situation you do not like.

Galagirl
 
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sexyserb said:
OK, now you know she is having sex with others, and now she is joining a site that is basically a front for prostitution. Or I supppose if she takes money from a guy she likes she will not have sex with him right. So you call it what you want.

And for icing on the cake she blows you off like an annoyance because you are not fine with this. Now the next step is full fledged escorting., More money there and easy to slide in to.

Your feelings obviously mean very little. Is this really someone you really want to stay involved with??? Good luck.
Click to expand...

This.

We've gone overboard with this idea that we are all entitled to do whatever we want. Okay sure but...there's such a thing as consideration for others' feelings and how our choice impact them. ADULTS recognize that 'relationships' do not and cannot happen between two people who do exactly as they please with no consideration at all for how their partner feels about that action or is impacted by that action.

Sorry, but I disagree with the illogical statement that someone can 'respect' your feelings on such a matter and yet do exactly as they please. I personally would not be staying in this relationship. She has shown you exactly where you stand and I agree with sexyserb that the next step is pretty much becoming an escort.
 
One can RESPECT another person's right to hold different beliefs.

However, in the case of intimate relationships, if one partner's fundamental world view differs markedly from the other's --- say, you're a left-leaning liberal who doesn't believe there is any place for racism and sexism in the world, yet your partner is an ultra-conservative right-winger who chooses to attend a white supremacist rally --- there exists an inherent conflict of belief AND the behaviours that manifest from this difference are VERY likely to ensure on-going difficulties within the relationship.

Likewise, if one partner is strongly opposed to basing intimate relationships on a purely transactional/monetary basis (sugar baby lifestyle, web-camming, prostitution etc.), any attempt to pursue a long-term relationship with a person who believes there is nothing morally or ethically wrong with such things, AND chooses to act on their own world view, is probably only going to end in disaster sooner or later... no matter how much you respect that partner's right to make autonomous decisions.

The conflict is too wide - let this one go.
 
I don't think there is anything wrong with the way that you feel.

I don't think that she is wrong for being interested in a sugar baby relationship.

Polyamory and sugar babying (is that a term or did I just make that up?) could be compatible, or they could be incompatible, based on how you view it.

Polyamory is all about consent, love, and the ethical treatment of the people involved. On the one hand, sugar babying could be seen as the antitheses of that idea: exchanging affection/sex/attention for money instead of freely raises questions about whether each person in the situation is being treated with their best interests at heart.

On the other hand, some people have a deep desire/fascination with the idea of paying for the services of a willing participant. It might be part of a dominance/submission fantasy (in which the paying partner could be in either the dominant or the submissive role), or it might come from the knowledge that they don't have the time to devote to their partner and want to be generous with them in another way, or it could come from some other place in their psyche. Whatever the reason, I can see how the mutual desire to be involved in such an arrangement could be very compatible with polyamory. Just because there is a financial arrangement doesn't mean that there isn't love/fun/genuine satisfaction.

I would talk to your girlfriend about what her reasons are for wanting this kind of relationship. She may surprise you with her interests/fantasies/desires.

If, ultimately, her reasons still feel unethical/uncomfortable to you, it is okay to consider whether this is a hard limit for you. It is NOT the same as any other date, as she claims it is. However, that also doesn't necessarily make it wrong. It's okay to part ways if you two cannot come to an agreement on this topic.
 
I think you have to ask yourself why you feel the way you do. Is it a slut shaming thing? Are you afraid some guy with a bunch if money is going to come in and sweep her off her feet and you won't be able to compete?

I'm not buying the whole line about how feelings are neither good or bad. Feelings of sexism are not good. I see being okay with her having sex, but not being okay with her receiving money as a form of sexism.

That being said, if you cannot handle your gf's lifestyle then maybe you should bow out of the relationship. But that's on you, not her.
 
Hi MarcoPolo3211,

I think it's fine to feel the way you feel. But can I ask, would you be willing to tell us more of why this sugar daddy thing bothers you? There could be a lot of possible reasons, I am curious about what your reasons are.

Whether she should comply with this one wish of yours, depends on how strongly she feels about this, and on how strongly you feel about it. If she's just doing it because, "What the hey, sounds like fun," then she probably doesn't feel strongly enough about it to justify doing it. If on the other hand your feeling is, "I just feel a twinge of discomfort about this," that's probably not a strong enough feeling to justify insisting that she not do it. If on the other hand your feeling is, "I feel just horrible about this, I don't think I can stand it," then she should probably be giving more consideration to your feeling. But what if her feeling is, "This is fundamental to what I want and need in life," then what? I guess if you both feel very strongly about it, then the two of you should probably break up. Not a fun thought, I know, but it's better than the two of you going through life resenting each other.

I don't personally have a problem with sugar daddy relationships; not even with escort arrangements. But since I'm not the one who's in your situation, you can pretty much ignore how I feel. Figure out how you feel. Find out how she feels. Then make a decision based on those feelings and on how strongly they are felt.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
I appreciate everyone's input on the matter. We talked about everything and reached an agreeable decision. And in the process grew even closer to one another and gained a deeper understanding of ourselves. Being poly is hard sometimes, but I'm finding that in overcoming the challenges it offers incredible potential for personal growth and for gaining a deeper connection with your partners.

Thanks everyone!
 
Glad to hear things worked out.
 
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