Amazing romantic r/s with my bf but we just don't seem to be sexually compatible

[pixybixy]

Hi folks. I'll start off by giving some basic info abt my bf and I.

Him: Turning 40 this year. Straight cisgender male. Believes that he is polyamorous, but have not tried IRL.

Me: I'm in my 20s. Before I met my bf (we met in 2015), I'd always believed that I was lesbian. But after becoming friends, best friends and then lovers, I realised that it's likely that I'm bisexual. Generally speaking, I'm sexually attracted to both male and female bodies. Straight porn arouses me more than lesbian porn. I don't identity as polyamorous. However, I accept that my bf might be poly and I'm open to exploring polyamrous relationships with him. We have agreed on the primary-secondary model.

The situation:
Well as the title of this thread suggests, we are in wonderful romantic relationship. We care deeply for each other. We enjoy each other's company. We share similar world views and beliefs. We make each other smile and laugh. Basically, we are two people who really really really like each other.

BUT. Things are rather cold in the sex department He really gets turned on by me. There's no doubt that he is sexually attracted to me. But it's a little less straightforward for my end... I enjoy kissing, fondling, petting and receiving oral sex. I have no reservations about being naked and intimate with him. I enjoy giving him blowjobs. But I'm not too good with my hands. But most importantly, I have NO DESIRE for penetrative sex. The issue here is, he really desires penetrative sex.

What's odd is watching penetrative sex turns me on. But I just have no desire for it to happen to ME. Yes, part of it is cos I'm afraid it'll hurt (I'm still a virgin). But I think for the most part I simply don't want it. I suppose it's like how a person who doesn't have a thing for BDSM, won't want to try BDSM. Or how a person who doesn't have a foot fetish, just doesn't want to lick someone's toes.

We really treasure our romantic relationship so we have NO plans to give it up due to this apparent sexual incompatibility. However, my bf has been feeling rather sexually frustrated. As for me, I'm not feeling sexually frustrated cos of this. I'm "sexually ambivalent" in a way. As in, the fact that it's difficult for him to make me climax doesn't particularly bother me. Nope, I'm definitely not asexual. But I may have some libido issues, I don't know.

We are considering getting our "sexual fix" outside of this relationship (e.g. dating a unicorn) but this is quite challenging. Because both of us don't buy into FWBs, hook-ups, NSA etc. So yea, that's pretty much the whole story.

If you've made it to the end of my post, thanks for your time If you guys have any comments or advice, we'll be more than happy to read them!

 

[Rockit49]

Welcome!

Welcome, Pixy!
Young you are!...
And your boyfriend's frustrations... Nothing to gloss over! If you don't want to try psex with him, that's a fine thing to know for you, if you don't want to Don't! However, Let him find.. Help him find someone that will be happy to relieve that pressure for him! And don't waste time with a unicorn search. Just m2cnts
To each their own! Blah blah... But you're both headed towards codependency and a life of frustration for your SO and you, if he's going into nonmon already frustrated... And that never makes good Responsible Non Monogamy period ... Or good wisdom from experience.. This said.

Great to have you here... You'll find what you're looking for.
Just being this open to convo and others perspective is a huge leap ahead of the rest

Bey

 

[GalaGirl]

If you just don't want any penetrative sex, you just don't.

If you change your mind later? You can choose ease into it. Like gloved fingers or glass toys or whatever that are smaller/smoother/less scary to you.

If you don't change your mind? That's totally fine too. It is your body. You share it how YOU want to share it.

As in, the fact that it's difficult for him to make me climax doesn't particularly bother me. Nope, I'm definitely not asexual. But I may have some libido issues, I don't know.

Or it could just simply be new. How long have you two been lovers?

FWIW? Sometimes with a new partner, it simply takes time to "learn" each other. Virgin or not. It takes time to figure out what sorts of activities are pleasing and which ones are not. Because everyone is different.

Orgasm is a nice "bonus" but I don't think it has to be a "goal." Sharing intimacy/sensuality and getting to know each other could be be enough. It's ok for "learning each other" to take some time.

Galagirl

 

[lunabunny]

Me: I'm in my 20s. Before I met my bf (we met in 2015), I'd always believed that I was lesbian. But after becoming friends, best friends and then lovers, I realised that it's likely that I'm bisexual. Generally speaking, I'm sexually attracted to both male and female bodies. Straight porn arouses me more than lesbian porn.

The situation:
Well as the title of this thread suggests, we are in wonderful romantic relationship. We care deeply for each other. We enjoy each other's company. We share similar world views and beliefs. We make each other smile and laugh. Basically, we are two people who really really really like each other.


BUT. Things are rather cold in the sex department He really gets turned on by me. There's no doubt that he is sexually attracted to me. But it's a little less straightforward for my end... I enjoy kissing, fondling, petting and receiving oral sex. I have no reservations about being naked and intimate with him. I enjoy giving him blowjobs. But I'm not too good with my hands. But most importantly, I have NO DESIRE for penetrative sex. The issue here is, he really desires penetrative sex.

What's odd is watching penetrative sex turns me on. But I just have no desire for it to happen to ME. Yes, part of it is cos I'm afraid it'll hurt (I'm still a virgin). But I think for the most part I simply don't want it. I suppose it's like how a person who doesn't have a thing for BDSM, won't want to try BDSM. Or how a person who doesn't have a foot fetish, just doesn't want to lick someone's toes.

We really treasure our romantic relationship so we have NO plans to give it up due to this apparent sexual incompatibility.

May I ask WHY - since you're still a virgin, relatively young, and straight porn turns you on more than lesbian porn - you believed you were a lesbian until you met your boyfriend?

Had you previously had girfriends, kissed and/or had sexual experiences with girls or women? If so, how did you feel about those experiences?

Yes, it's probable that you are somewhere on the bisexual scale. But perhaps you're more "homoflexible" (sorry, I'm not completely familiar with all the terminology) meaning your orientation skews more towards the side of the spectrum that is attracted exclusively to females (?)

Or perhaps your degree of attraction is more dependent on the actual person (their personality, intelligence, your connection with them as friends) than the person's gender or how sexually compatible you are with any particular person.

It's possible that you are romantically attracted to your boyfriend as a person, rather than enamoured of him in an animalistic type way or deeply in love (?) Like what they used to term a "romantic friendship". You say you "treasure our romantic relationship", "care" for and "like" each other and are "best friends" - which is all wonderful of course and how it should be - and you also say "he is really turned on by me" and "there is no doubt he's sexually attracted to me".

However, nowhere do I see you say you're really turned on by HIM. Nor do you explicitly say you're unreservedly in love with him (although the romantic aspect seems to imply that you are.)

Instead, you say sex is rather cold, and you "enjoy" this or that, and have no reservations. Forgive me if I'm reading this wrong, but it sounds like he is more into you, sexually, than you are into HIM in that way, despite the fact that you are comfortable with him in an intimate setting and are "fine" with what you guys are able to do in bed.

So... you're not asexual, just more invested in the friendship and romantic love aspect than the sex, while your boyfriend desires a "fuller" sexual experience (including PIV) and would ideally like to have this kind of relationship with someone, or multiple people, outside of your relationship... yes?

You don't have to answer this here, but does your aversion to penetration include anal sex? I imagine that if the pain aspect is one reason that you're put off trying PIV, then this would probably hold true for anal penetrative sex too, but it might be worth considering if you and your boyfriend are more comfortable trying it that way first (if you haven't already).

Also, rhetorical food for thought: Sometimes people who've suffered some sexual trauma can believe themselves to be lesbian or gay, and/or have an aversion to a same-or-opposite sex lover, or some kind of sexual activity (often penetration, but could be oral or something else) that reminds them of the trauma.

I'm sure you love and want to please your boyfriend, and possibly feel some degree of guilt or shame for not being able to do PIV with him. However, if this form of sexual expression is not going to be on the cards for the foreseeable future, or ever, I can understand how you may not wish to hold him back from seeking this experience with others outside your relationship.

If you do decide to open up, make sure you take your time, communicate and process every step of the way. Also, your bf may genuinely be polyamorous (when did he tells you this? under what circumstance?) but make sure he understands that wanting to fuck other people because he isn't able to get that specific thing from you, does not necessarily mean it's "poly".

 

[Marcus]

We have agreed on the primary-secondary model.

Why is that?

In my opinion, hierarchy is merely present to maintain the power of an existing relationship. Usually this is a stop gap to help people who are not secure in their relationship feel like they have more control.

I have NO DESIRE for penetrative sex. The issue here is, he really desires penetrative sex.

There is a popular and utterly confused belief built in to the traditional relationship that two people need to somehow fulfill all of the sexual preferences of their partner. Generally speaking this is grandfathered in from monogamy where the agreement is to never have sex with anyone but your partner - so the each others sexual preferences become a shared issue.

In relationships that are not trying to live up to the traditional model, we get to let go of this useless concept.

In my world, I have no obligation (or interest) to satisfy my partners preferences if it is not something that I am interested in giving them. I also have exactly no desire to get a preference met by someone who isn't authentically interested in performing that act. When I say "authentically interested", I mean that it's something I actually want to do - not something I want to to "because I care"... I'm talking about actual desire.

We find where our desires and interest in fulfilling those desires overlap and that is the relationship (we are talking about sexual activity currently, but this also applies to every other form of relating). All of those other desires are a personal issue that one can either just do without or get sated somewhere else.

 

[pixybixy]

However, Let him find.. Help him find someone that will be happy to relieve that pressure for him! And don't waste time with a unicorn search. Just m2cnts

Hi Bey, thanks for the warm welcome.

Yes, we are open to this... It isn't fair to him if I don't allow him to find satisfaction elsewhere. We talk to people on dating apps together. It's always about US as a couple and not about HIM or MYSELF alone chatting to potential dates. But, is it really that hard to find a unicorn??

 

[pixybixy]

Or it could just simply be new. How long have you two been lovers?

We've been together for almost 1.5 years alrdy. Hmm, you have a point there abt the experience being new. Cos previously I've only had intimate encounters with ONE girl. And the most we did was using our fingers sooo...

FWIW? Sometimes with a new partner, it simply takes time to "learn" each other. Virgin or not. It takes time to figure out what sorts of activities are pleasing and which ones are not. Because everyone is different.

True.. But I'm afraid 1.5 years is a bit too long...

Orgasm is a nice "bonus" but I don't think it has to be a "goal." Sharing intimacy/sensuality and getting to know each other could be be enough. It's ok for "learning each other" to take some time.

I agree with you wrt orgasm. But I think there's a general divide on this matter between guys and girls... For my bf, orgasming via penetration is his "goal" in a way. Which is why we are facing this issue now :/ As for me, my "goal" isn't to orgasm via penetration. I can do so through other means. Hence, the apparent sexual incompatibility.

 

[BathedInSalt]

But, is it really that hard to find a unicorn??

As a bisexual woman I can tell you that if I see the word "unicorn" in your dating profile or brought up in conversation I run the other direction. I imagine most self-aware bi women do the same.
It's a unicorn, not a horse. lol

I'm not saying you can't find a lady to suit both your needs, although I'm not sure what they are at this point, but these things when they work don't start with the two of you hunting dating sites.

I encourage you to delve into into what you actually want, before involving others.
Also why is penetrative sex so important to your bf? Why isn't all that other stuff sex?

I'm hearing that you are in a romantic relationship with a sexual component. What else do YOU want?
Do YOU want to be in a poly relationship?

I wish you the absolute best. Keep asking questions.

 

[pixybixy]

May I ask WHY - since you're still a virgin, relatively young, and straight porn turns you on more than lesbian porn - you believed you were a lesbian until you met your boyfriend?

Well, cos previously I had a 4 year romantic and physical relationship with a girl. Prior to meeting my bf, I never thought that I could maintain a romantic and/or physical relationship with a guy. Maybe it's due to my minimal interaction with guys during my teens (I was in an all-girls high school from age 13 to 16). Before meeting my boyfriend, I was only sexually attracted to girls. My boyfriend is the first guy I've ever kissed. I guess it was sort of a sexual awakening? Like after that I realised that hey, I like guys too! Haha.

Had you previously had girfriends, kissed and/or had sexual experiences with girls or women? If so, how did you feel about those experiences?

Just one..and we were young and silly. We were together when I was 15 to 18..about 4 years. It was an enjoyable experience. That said, the most we did was using our fingers hmm.

Yes, it's probable that you are somewhere on the bisexual scale. But perhaps you're more "homoflexible" (sorry, I'm not completely familiar with all the terminology) meaning your orientation skews more towards the side of the spectrum that is attracted exclusively to females (?)

That appears to be the case. I only realised about 1 to 2 years ago that I can actually have a romantic and physical/sexual (sorta) relationship with a guy (i.e. my bf).

Or perhaps your degree of attraction is more dependent on the actual person (their personality, intelligence, your connection with them as friends) than the person's gender or how sexually compatible you are with any particular person. It's possible that you are romantically attracted to your boyfriend as a person, rather than enamoured of him in an animalistic type way or deeply in love (?) Like what they used to term a "romantic friendship". You say you "treasure our romantic relationship", "care" for and "like" each other and are "best friends" - which is all wonderful of course and how it should be - and you also say "he is really turned on by me" and "there is no doubt he's sexually attracted to me".

That is very possible. Because I fell for my boyfriend's "person" more than anything else.

However, nowhere do I see you say you're really turned on by HIM. Nor do you explicitly say you're unreservedly in love with him (although the romantic aspect seems to imply that you are.) Instead, you say sex is rather cold, and you "enjoy" this or that, and have no reservations. Forgive me if I'm reading this wrong, but it sounds like he is more into you, sexually, than you are into HIM in that way, despite the fact that you are comfortable with him in an intimate setting and are "fine" with what you guys are able to do in bed.

I am unreservedly in love with him. Nope, you're not reading that wrong at all. It's true (though I hate to say it but, the truth needs to be said) - he is more into me sexually than I am into him.

So... you're not asexual, just more invested in the friendship and romantic love aspect than the sex, while your boyfriend desires a "fuller" sexual experience (including PIV) and would ideally like to have this kind of relationship with someone, or multiple people, outside of your relationship... yes?

Bingo! How are you even getting so many things right?

I'm sure you love and want to please your boyfriend, and possibly feel some degree of guilt or shame for not being able to do PIV with him. However, if this form of sexual expression is not going to be on the cards for the foreseeable future, or ever, I can understand how you may not wish to hold him back from seeking this experience with others outside your relationship. If you do decide to open up, make sure you take your time, communicate and process every step of the way. Also, your bf may genuinely be polyamorous (when did he tells you this? under what circumstance?) but make sure he understands that wanting to fuck other people because he isn't able to get that specific thing from you, does not necessarily mean it's "poly"

Yes, I do feel guilty Yeah, I don't want to restrict him. I mean, he's been amazing and I just want to do whatever that's in my capacity to fulfill his needs and make him happy. Yes, we prioritize communication in our relationship, especially since he's likely to be poly. He has been reading extensively on poly for years now (including checking this forum) so he definitely understands that "wanting to fuck other people because he isn't able to get that specific thing from [me], does not necessarily mean it's "poly".

Thanks so much for the comprehensive reply lunabunny. I'm amazed at how much of it that you got right!

 

[pixybixy]

Why is that? In my opinion, hierarchy is merely present to maintain the power of an existing relationship. Usually this is a stop gap to help people who are not secure in their relationship feel like they have more control.

Because we are very new to poly in the practical sense of the word. And one of the main reasons I fell for my bf is cos of the immense amount of security that he provides me with. so you're right in a way, pri-sec model is used as a protective mechanism here.

There is a popular and utterly confused belief built in to the traditional relationship that two people need to somehow fulfill all of the sexual preferences of their partner. Generally speaking this is grandfathered in from monogamy where the agreement is to never have sex with anyone but your partner - so the each others sexual preferences become a shared issue...We find where our desires and interest in fulfilling those desires overlap and that is the relationship (we are talking about sexual activity currently, but this also applies to every other form of relating). All of those other desires are a personal issue that one can either just do without or get sated somewhere else.

Yes, we completely agree with you on this point. Which is why I'm accepting of my bf (very likely) being poly and I'm open to exploring various options with him.

 

[pixybixy]

As a bisexual woman I can tell you that if I see the word "unicorn" in your dating profile or brought up in conversation I run the other direction. I imagine most self-aware bi women do the same.
It's a unicorn, not a horse. lol

I see, thanks for sharing. I never thought of it from that perspective. I can see why "unicorn" has negative connotations. But for us, we are not looking for unicorns just for sex. If we ever find someone like that, we will also build a relationship with her.

Also why is penetrative sex so important to your bf? Why isn't all that other stuff sex?

Personal preference I think. I will check with him.

Do YOU want to be in a poly relationship?

Yes, I do. I accept for my bf for all that he is. And if poly is truly the way he swings, I'm sticking around for sure As mentioned in my original post, "I accept that my bf might be poly and I'm open to exploring polyamrous relationships with him. We have agreed on the primary-secondary model."

 

[Rockit49]

Hi Bey, thanks for the warm welcome.

Yes, we are open to this... It isn't fair to him if I don't allow him to find satisfaction elsewhere. We talk to people on dating apps together. It's always about US as a couple and not about HIM or MYSELF alone chatting to potential dates. But, is it really that hard to find a unicorn??

View from the coaches perspective, an Old coach, pass on information for best results, be there for the good and bad, but ... You can't play The game for him! Let him do his thing ... Give the freedom and the help... When asked! It should hopefully grow both of you

 

[radicaldude]

Maybe give PIV sex a try?

Perhaps you should consider giving penetrative sex a try. You may surprise yourself and enjoy it immensely. Since you are a virgin, make sure to use plenty of lube.

 

[Rockit49]

Maybe they have it private... But if the ladies haven't shared

PIV hurts the first time... Maybe even the second.. And then at times when it gets too crazy.. Lol
But yeah... It's common, for the many reasons about to be spelled out by some.. we are all young and ign once or more, if you're female.. It's a female thing...a right of way in life.. To Enjoy... Or dislike
Oh btw however ODD it was I once heard a youngun' talk about how it was painful the first time on his P.
Good luck... experience and Enjoy learning what your taste might be!

 

[Marcus]

Perhaps you should consider giving penetrative sex a try. You may surprise yourself and enjoy it immensely. Since you are a virgin, make sure to use plenty of lube.

There are many, many things I have never tried because I have no interest in them. My guess is, there are many, many things you have never tried because you have no interest in them.

The OP has clearly expressed no interest in doing this particular thing.

I have NO DESIRE for penetrative sex.

Pixy, live your life. If you don't want to have a dick jammed into you, don't. If you don't want to eat cabbage stew, don't. There are countless points of possible pleasure in this world that we can indulge in without needing to "just try out" every unpleasant sounding activity in existence.

 

[opalescent]

pixybixy,

Welcome! I hope you find this forum helpful.

To start, I want to clear. If you are not into penetrative sex, or PIV, or both, you have every right to never have penetrative sex at all. Ever. Not every act works for every one. There are many women who just don't enjoy PIV or penetration and have satisfying sex lives anyway. There is nothing wrong with you if that is the case.

However, you are not a virgin. Sounds like you have experienced oral, manual stimulation, kissing, fondling, blowjobs, etc.? Hon, that means you are not a virgin. Yes, you have not done one particular act, penis in vagina, that is often considered to be THE sex. In this hetero-normative world, many folks agree that PIV is SEX. However, they happen to be wrong. Is it sex? Yes. Is it the only kind of sex? Nope! Sex is vast and intricate and amazing. PIV is not the definition of sex. It is just one kind of sex, admittedly a privileged one in our society.

Now the idea that having PIV sex for the first time always hurts a girl or woman is bullshit. The reason many women do not enjoy PIV or that it outright hurts to be penetrated is that they are not aroused enough to create natural lubrication to enjoy the sensations. Many girl's first times are with boys (or men) who don't know how to really arouse and create pleasure within a woman. Or they don't care to, which is worse. If a woman is aroused, maybe has already orgasmed, and is enjoying the sex she is having, penetration should not hurt. Yes, there are other reasons penetrative sex may hurt such as infections, bacterial balance in the vagina is off, sensitivity before or after periods, etc. And sometimes there are physical reasons. Some men are actually too big (either length or girth) for some women. (That happens but not as often as porn would have us think!) But that PIV always hurts the first time is an untrue myth that lets men off the hook for not caring about or prioritizing women's pleasure.

So here's my starting question. Does your boyfriend get you off? Does he know how to arouse you? Understand how your body works to get you to a place where you come? Does he eat your pussy like there is no tomorrow? Happily use a vibrator on you?

Or does he just kinda stroke you enough so you are warmed up enough to suck his dick? Does he just seem to eat you out so you will return the favor? Does he care about your pleasure? You've been with him awhile so I hope he does care about what you like and want and is willing to provide that to you.

If he isn't focused on your pleasure, then do not consider PIV with him. It will hurt, it will be unpleasant and you will reinforce every reason you have not to have PIV ever again.

If you wish to consider penetrative sex, I have further questions. Are you just not into experiencing penis in vagina penetration? Have you tried fingering/fingerbang/fingerfucking? Tongue in vagina? Dildos? Vibrators in the vagina? Other toys? Those are all penetrative sex too. They are all penetration, but for many people (including me), they are very different experiences. They may or may not work for you. Exploration of what you like and don't like is never a bad thing. And you will find that it will change over time for you.

Anal side-bar. Someone suggested receiving anal penetration. If you are unclear on if you ever want to experience PIV, then hold off on being anally penetrated. Like PIV, anal should not hurt if you are turned on enough (and there is enough lube.) Unlike PIV, having anal sex improperly - not enough lube, not enough 'training' (dear goddess, do not start with a bio cock! Try butt plugs, tongues and fingers first!) can really, really be painful AND cause significant damage to you. I do not suggest anal as a 'try this first' PIV alternative. It is true that some people experience anal penetration very differently than vaginal penetration. You might be one of them. But don't start there, is my long winded point.

If you decide that you are never going to be into PIV, then having outside partners may well work.

However, do not make the stereotypical couple mistake of thinking that finding a playmate 'together' will make things easier or better. It won't. It won't fix jealousy, end insecurities or ease communication between you two. In fact, it can make jealousy and insecurity and lack of communication even worse! The two of you will likely fall into a common trap of treating another person like a thing. You won't intend to, or consciously want to do that. But when looking for another person to fulfill a particular sexual role, it is really easy to treat that person like a sex toy and not a living, breathing person with wants, needs and desires of their own. (Google 'unicorn hunting' and 'couple privilege' for copious discussion of these issues - and we talk about it here a lot too. Do a tag search for 'unicorn' here.)

So what to do? Date separately. Have casual sex separately. You seem to be still into women sexually. Your boyfriend wants to have PIV sex with women. The person who can happily meet those needs, and get off on doing so, is WILDLY unlikely to be same person. You might meet a lovely lesbian who is never going to fuck your boyfriend. He might meet a straight woman who will never want to fondle your breasts. Yes, bisexual women might seem like the obvious answer. But bisexual women, like people everywhere, don't really enjoy being treated like a sex aide for a relationship in trouble. Even if she could sit on your boyfriend's dick, and eat your pussy at the same time, there are numerous reasons why she may not want to. Maybe she doesn't find him attractive. Maybe you are lovely but not her cup of tea. Maybe threesomes bore her to tears. Maybe she already has a dick owner in her life and is looking for a vulva/vagina owner. Or vice versa.

Of course, consider if ethical non-monogamy is really what you want. If you are not into PIV, never will be, and he is unable to conceive of sex without it, then you may be fundamentally incompatible, despite all the other good things about the relationship. If you do not want other partners, you do not have to have them. If you do not want other partners or PIV, then you need to consider if you will be ok with him having outside partners while you do not. There are people who make that work.

It's super fun to explore what you like sexually. And it's something that never ends (unless you want it to.) I'm in my late 40s and happily discovering new sexual interests. I aim to keep doing that my entire life. I hope your boyfriend is a worthy partner for you to explore sex with.

 

[GalaGirl]

Read carefully what Opalescent said.

True. But I'm afraid 1.5 years is a bit too long...

To long for what? Are you saying you are feeling meh about it all and are considering breaking up? If so, stop dating.

I get that you are together 1.5 years, but you haven't spent 1.5 years getting the hang of penetrative sex together. Just because someone is older than you doesn't automatically make them good at sharing sex with you. It takes time to learn each other.

If you want to date him, but just don't want to PIV? Don't PIV and make it clear this is not an activity you want to do. Your body. You share it how you want to share it.

If you do want to consider it? Take a step back and consider your lovemaking style together.

For my bf, orgasming via penetration is his "goal" in a way. As for me, my "goal" isn't to orgasm via the specific method of penetration. I can do so through other means (e.g. oral). Hence, the apparent sexual incompatibility.

WHY is it a goal for him? Could talk about that.

Orgasm for him from PIV might be fun. He's got a lot of feelings and nerve endings in the penis. If it is a question of surrounding the penis being stimulating for him? Well, he could fuck your hand, mouth, your bent over leg near the knee, your folded over elbow, between the breasts/hands -- other body parts than can "surround" the penis.

You can approach it playfully and experiment to see what feels good to both. Only do the ones that both want to do.

To me PIV can feel pleasant but like "from far away." I was made to push a baby out of my vaginal canal. I do NOT want lots of nerve endings in that passage and we don't get them. Unless I'm also getting some G spot or clit stimulus I'm just not gonna orgasm from PIV alone. Oral is way easier to orgasm from -- because there are lots of nerves in the clit, vaginal lips, etc that get me excited. That's where females have most of the nerve endings/are more sensitive to touch. Like more "out in front" than "up inside."

To me? A penis has a limited range of motion and size. In and out. The size is the size.

Fingers? Can use one, two, five, more. Size can be "adjusted" that way. Can also bend in various directions once inside to stroke insides and better reach G spot. Could have some inside and leave a thumb out to stroke clit. Fingers have more stimulus options. "Doggie style" is the only way my g spot gets stimulated from a penis in a way that I like.

If you do not know what pleasures you? Then you also have room to grow in getting to know your own self. You cannot tell a lover what you like best if you do not know. You can tell them what you don't like. But not what you DO like.

It's like them asking if you would like a beverage.

You say ok.
They bring you coffee.
You say not that.
They bring you tea.
You say not that.
They bring you milk.
You say not that.

Frustrating for both. Be whole lot easier if you could say "I do not like hot drinks. Allergic to milk. I like OJ best, second choice apple juice."


If this lover has a "one track mind" and doesn't really try to listen to what pleasures you? Or is only about what gets him off and not especially generous and doesn't care what you like? Then he has room to grow in his lovemaking skills.

Finding a unicorn isn't going to fix the fact that this lover has room to grow.

And what if the unicorn ALSO has a one track mind with room to grow? Then you have TWO of them that don't listen to what pleasures you. Which could be a drag.

Basically you have to figure out if this is a fundamental incompatibility or not. If you are not up for PIV and he cannot be ok without it from you? Then this may not be a match for being lovers together.

Galagirl

 

[Rockit49]

That gottem' jumping.. Lol

Plenty of reading to do now... Lol. Good luck
Hopefully you come back and read it... So as not to let it spoil ; )

 

[BathedInSalt]

Perhaps you should consider giving penetrative sex a try. You may surprise yourself and enjoy it immensely. Since you are a virgin, make sure to use plenty of lube.

I'm not sure this advice is very helpful or accurate.

 

[BathedInSalt]

PIV hurts the first time... Maybe even the second.. And then at times when it gets too crazy.. Lol
But yeah... It's common if you're female.. It's a female thing...a right of way in life.. To Enjoy... Or dislike.
Good luck

It doesn't hurt the first time for everyone, or at all ever for everyone.
It's not something to be shrouded in fear.
I'm not sure it's helpful to generalize here, or ever.