Androphobia and I

T

Transfarmer

New member
I am an early thirties trans feminine human being who was until just a couple days ago dating a pansexual cis lady. We have decided to separate despite our extremely intense connection as we seem to have come upon a situation in which we are unable to find a compromise.

The scenario looks like this: I have a pretty intense fear of men and have been quite open about it since we first started dating. At the time she said she was only interested in having secondary relationships with women so it wouldn't be an issue. Now three months into things she has met a man with whom she is interested in exploring the possibility of dating. Even the possibility of having a man involved in my relationship fills me with panic. I tried for some time to wrap my head around the idea in order to be ok with it but have so far been unable. I have some serious trauma related to men so the roots of this reaction run deep. After a week of anxiety attacks I decided that I just couldn't deal with having a man person in such close relational proximity and told my partner so. I have no desire to control my partner I just don't feel capable of taking this step just yet. She does not want to pass up the option of dating this particular man so we have decided to call it. Is there a compromise in all this that I am somehow missing?
 
the only think i can think is you go to therapy for your issues and she agree not to bring your metamore around you until you are ready to meet them (if ever). it's not required that you have to ever meet this person, my partners have nothing to do with each other.
 
Like Inyourendo says, I think the only compromise that could be made here is that your partner takes steps to keeps her relationship with him completely separate from your own. As already said, there should never be any pressure for one's partner's partner to become a part of your life. However, I don't know if it's just the very idea of him being a sexual and romantic part of her life that is the trigger (i.e. that you sort of view her as an extension to yourself), in which case I guess that's just a no goer. I'm sorry you have suffered abuse in the past, and I know it's not going to be easy moving forward. Whilst the rational mind knows that this man is not like that man/those men, it might just be too big an ask of yourself right now. The only thing I can suggest is to see if she is willing to take a break from the sexual/intimate side of you and her right now while you continue to work on things in therapy. Perhaps if the target with your therapist is to become ok with this one guy, rather than men in general, progress might be a little faster? In that case, maybe work on leveraging your trust of and confidence in her and her ability to identify good people - she wouldn't pick an asshole to date - and see if anything good can come of that. If you are not ready to meet him and see for yourself what kind of person he is, perhaps asking her to talk about the qualities she sees in him with you might help.
 
I just wonder if she is the right person for you if she feels the urge to date someone you are scared about THREE MONTHS into the relationship. I have dated someone with serious issues myself (my husband is a female to male transexual with a past of family violence), and the first 4 years I was not even that interested in other people, as I was very imerged in getting to know that person and also helping him with his issues. He also went to therapy, but his therapist in fact told me that she never would have gotten so far so fast had I not been involved and devoted my time as I did. There is a time for everything. Unless your lady is certain that other dude is the love of her life no2, she should give up on him and if not move on. These things require work and time.
 
I think that I do see my partner as an extension of myself tenK. Due to the intensity of our emotional connection and the vulnerability therein I feel very affected by the feelings of my partner. When she talks about being with a man I can't help but also visualize myself as being vulnerable to that man. This is what sparks the panic and fight or flight response in me. Being raised as a man and experiencing the training and privilege given to men first hand has also led me to believe that for a straight cis man to not be pathological to the very core is damn near impossible.

We have talked and agreed to put our romantic relationship on hold for the time being while she does what she has to do for herself and I do the same. In our tiny town there are only a handful of queers so it is important for us to not destroy our friendship.
 
So you said that she's talking about this guy to you. Might she be willing to not do that? Would that be enough? Or would just knowing that "it's happening" (even not within your earshot) be too much to handle right now?
 
If you're separating after just three months, you really haven't been together very long. It's probably good to focus on transitioning to friendship.

But do you tend to run into problems with merging? I'd call it "lesbian merging," but I don't know if that's a word that resonates for you. It's a little dated-- I recall when it meant that two women would start dating, and soon start sporting identical mullets. (Yes, I'm old.)

But the point is, when you start identifying with your lover, where your boundaries between who you are and who she is get blurry, it can be awfully hard to maintain a robust and healthy relationship. My wife and I make an extra effort to cultivate our individual interests, to avoid merger. I think it is something that tends to be more of a risk in homo feminine relationships, but it can happen to anyone.

Finally, I'm bi. And I lost some of my hard core lesbian friends when I started dating men. They tried to shame me, called me disgusting. That wasn't right. It sounds like you're coming from a different place, but if this is a limit for you, please be very clear with the next person you date, up front, that they should expect this type of rejection from you.
 
We have talked and agreed to put our romantic relationship on hold for the time being while she does what she has to do for herself and I do the same. In our tiny town there are only a handful of queers so it is important for us to not destroy our friendship.
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I think you have done the right thing in respecting your personal limit. It sounds like it was very respectful and civil.

  • You have past trauma with men and are seeing a therapist to address this. Right now, you don't want men anywhere in your poly network.
  • She wants to date this man and dose not want to wait/pass it up.
  • You both agreed to end it so you both get what you need. You are free from men, and she can date the guy.

Keep being up front and honest with the people you date. Not everyone is destined to be a long haul runner -- but it sure makes the going a lot less rocky when you are up front about where you are at this point in time with your personal boundaries and limits.

Good for you!

Galagirl
 
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As an aside, more of a thought experiment for the other (likely non-commenting) readers on the thread - many of whom (including me) have seen OPP-seeking cis-gendered straight men (which would have included MrS for some part of our relationship) lambasted on this site:

Is the advise and support that we give to someone who has a "ZERO-penis" policy (for whatever reason) gentler and more empathetic that that we give to someone what has a "ONE-penis" policy? Why or why not? (And we can split this off into a separate thread if people want to discuss this.)

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My observation is that we tend to be more gentle and empathize better with people who have, what we view as, a "legitimate reason" for their viewpoint, even if it conflicts with our own. (I put "legitimate reason" in quotes for a reason - meaning one that we understand).

Does a history or abuse or gender dysphoria soften our response to some degree? What if said "cis-gendered hetero-male" had a history of knowing that his SO had been raped previously (which applies to 1 in 6 - or some significant percentage - of American women, and a measurable percentage of men - 1 in 33?- depending on whose statistics you like)...and therefore may have the same "men are bad" visceral response as the OP? Are his fears and insecurities LESS valid because he has a position of "power and privilege" because he happened to be born white, male and straight? What if he, too, had been a victim of sexual violence?

I think that every single situation needs to be judged on it's own merit - because each situation IS, in fact, unique.

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Back to the OP - no, actually I don't see a compromise that you have missed - if it is a "hard line" for you not to have a male metamour then it is a HARD LINE. If you partner "needs" to be able to pursue a relationship with anyone (male or otherwise) that she is interested in, then that is an incompatible relationship.
 
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I can't see another option either. You're in therapy, there really isn't much else you can do. I have friends that feel similarly and not always for the good reasons you have, if I am honest. They tend to date women who only have sex and date other women.
 
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