Anniversary is coming up

BathedInSalt

BathedInSalt

New member
Dean and my 7th year anniversary is coming up. I really like anniversaries so we have a few. The anniversary of our first lunch date, our first real date, our legal marriage (we eloped) and our ceremonial marriage for his family. (They were pretty upset we eloped)
The first two are coming up in the next couple weeks and we usually celebrate by recreating those times.
This is the first year we have other people to consider and I'm not totally sure what the "right" thing to do is.
My initial thought was to ask Dean not to make plans with Mary these two weeks and I would do the same for Sir.
That being said both Dean and my other relationships are new and we all are still trying to see one another at least once a week.
Is it fair to ask this of Dean and by extension Mary and Sir?
Should we only reserve those specific special days for us?
I'm trying to put myself in their shoes.
If things work out with Mary than Dean and her will have their special days, of course they should be together on those special days, but what about the days surrounding them?
Same goes for Sir and I. Since I'm me I can say that I will want to be with Sir as much as possible surrounding our special days.
I just don't want to be exhibiting any kind of couples proveledge or making anyone feel ancillary or less than.
I do want to celebrate.
This happens to be a rough time for Dean and I right now too so the extra time is probably what we need to reconnect.
Is it ok to ask our other partners to be patient while we do that these next two weeks?
I know because I've spoken to Mary about this that she understands our needs and I explained it sort of to Sir.
Is consent from all parties all we need to be doing the right things?
Am I making too big a deal about this?

I'm worried that my want to celebrate for just a couple weeks with only Dean is putting our other partners out.
Especially since I am mourning the death of Dean and my previous monogamous marriage. We're definitely starting a new "us".

Maybe a two week celebration with no plans to see other partners during that time is just not the thing to do.

I'm conflicted. Help a girl out!
Please and thank you.
 
I'm interested to see what others will say. Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to put your other partners off over something like that.

On the other hand, you seem to be struggling with something between you and Dean. If you feel you need to take a break from Sir to work out whatever it is, you could do that. It would be up to Dean whether or not he needs to do the same with Mary.
 
Personally? Two weeks to celebrate your relationship by excluding your other relationships sounds odd... off putting... like I get going on a vacation to celebrate for two weeks. but the celebration-being- the absence of other partners would hurt my feelings if it was me.

But a partner asking for two weeks to work on another relationship that is struggling? It wouldn't be painless but I would be willing to do that to support their other relationship(s).
 
Dean and I looked at the calendar and talked about the 10 days I won't be seeing Sir and the 12 days he won't be seeing Mary.
This isn't a precedent that we are trying to set and all parties seem to be understanding.
Mary and I have a budding friendship so we talk and Sir and I obviously talk. It's also not unsusual to go that long without seeing Sir.
I actually had a conversation with Mary about how to stay feeling connected when you can't be physically near. I've had to learn it with Sir.

Anyways, I think Dean and I just had to do what the best thing is for us right now, giving our partners the chance to weigh in and be considered.

The two weeks didn't just involve anniversary stuff, it also includes 3 events our kids are involved with. Without the anniversaries we each had only one or two available days for partners anyways.

Plus, Vinsanity knows, Dean and I need a little extra time right now. I think we've been clear with our other partners about it. They know what's up anyways. I would like to say that I would give the same to them if they were struggling.

I'm clearly aware and concerned about being a good partner and metamour. Perhaps I should make it clear to Mary and Sir that if they are having an issue with anything then to tell me. Maybe that needs to be explicitly said.

Of course things always happen at once.

Also these things seem very personally dependent.
 
Hi BIS,

It sounds like you have given this a lot of thought, and have had a considerate outlook towards Sir and Mary. I think you should go ahead with your two-week hiatus, you do have consent from Sir and Mary.

Under more normal circumstances, I would take the actual dates of the anniversaries off, but reserve some of the other days for my other (poly) partner/s. This is a special exception because of your rough spot with Dean, and your kids' events.

Long story short, I am in favor of your hiatus.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I wouldn't do it. To me celebrating a person means accepting them as a whole, not excluding important people in their life for a pretend exclusivity. You aren't exclusive, and if you don't like that about each other, reconnecting by revisiting a time when you were exclusive isn't going to make you happier.

And frankly, explicitly excluding someone's partner from a celebration feels more like control and very conditional acceptance than celebration. You would be spending that time together knowing that people who love both of you and who both of you love are not ALLOWED in that space. I find it hard to imagine myself happy like that. I'd prefer to plan special occasions for the two of us than spend energy excluding loved ones or explicitly encroaching on their time because I can and have a good request they'd feel shitty refusing.

I would definitely have a hard time cheering ANY celebration involving Spexy that made a point of preventing us being together. I'm more likely to want to torpedo it. I wouldn't want in on their time, but if my time with him was seen like some kind of spoiling of a celebration, I'd want such celebrations to not happen.
 
anamikanon said:
I wouldn't do it. To me celebrating a person means accepting them as a whole, not excluding important people in their life for a pretend exclusivity. You aren't exclusive, and if you don't like that about each other, reconnecting by revisiting a time when you were exclusive isn't going to make you happier.

And frankly, explicitly excluding someone's partner from a celebration feels more like control and very conditional acceptance than celebration. You would be spending that time together knowing that people who love both of you and who both of you love are not ALLOWED in that space. I find it hard to imagine myself happy like that. I'd prefer to plan special occasions for the two of us than spend energy excluding loved ones or explicitly encroaching on their time because I can and have a good request they'd feel shitty refusing.

I would definitely have a hard time cheering ANY celebration involving Spexy that made a point of preventing us being together. I'm more likely to want to torpedo it. I wouldn't want in on their time, but if my time with him was seen like some kind of spoiling of a celebration, I'd want such celebrations to not happen.
Click to expand...

Am I hearing that your version of polyamory is an all or nothing kind?
In my situation you would invite one arm of the V to the anniversary of the othe hinge and other arm of the V? or would you just throw away anniversaries altogether?
I'm interested in your point of view and would really like to understand it.
Thank you 😊
 
BathedInSalt said:
Am I hearing that your version of polyamory is an all or nothing kind?
In my situation you would invite one arm of the V to the anniversary of the othe hinge and other arm of the V? or would you just throw away anniversaries altogether?
I'm interested in your point of view and would really like to understand it.
Thank you 😊
Click to expand...

I don't understand what you mean by "all or nothing". I am certainly not saying your other partners should be there while you and Dean have your anniversary dinner or something. I thought your question was about making two weeks exclusive between two anniversaries.

BathedInSalt said:
My initial thought was to ask Dean not to make plans with Mary these two weeks and I would do the same for Sir.
Click to expand...

This is what I was referring to.

You are not monogamous anymore. You may be mourning that stage, but recreating it by asking two others who exist to vanish for the duration of the "celebration" does not feel "authentic" and accepting of who and where you are now.

In the place of your other partners, I would find it hard to accept. It would be one thing if you had celebration plans that made it impossible to keep up meetings, say for example going on a two week trip out of town. But simply clearing out my time with him without any unavoidable reason would seem deliberately unfair to me. If you can schedule around one day a week and don't want to, you essentially are saying you don't think our relationship is as important as your celebration.

In your place, I wouldn't do it. I would try to create something special without asking loved ones to sacrifice their romantic time to make my preference happen. Particularly if all they have is a day a week at best and I'm living with my partner.
 
Here's the conclusion I've come to:
I've come to an enlightenment: "After much soul searching I decided that only the days of our actual anniversary are sacred and if you want to make plans with Mary you should and if Sir wants to make plans with me He should. I never meant to hinder our other relationships to deal with my struggles and I see now that it was unfair of me to suggest we do so. "

Now just wish me luck!
 
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