Another mono/poly, don't know how to move forward

[mcmctalk]

ChloeJane,

I really appreciate you sharing the personal boundaries that worked for you and your partner. Seeing real world examples really helps me understand how the underlying logistics work with this type of relationship. Kind of rubber meets the road, so to speak.

I think you're being really mature in your realization and needs here. Perhaps one of your boundaries can tackle this subject of scheduling, and maybe as a hat-tip to your "primary" status, you can have "first dibs" on the schedule so that you constantly have fun and exciting things to look forward to her? Do you also schedule concerts, hiking, etc? Those things are exciting, fun, super bonding. One of the most important qualities of couples that are the happiest/stay together the longest is to ... create exciting activities together!

I actually love going camping with the GF. In fact, it was my goal this year to go as much as possible. Unfortunately, when GF got real hot with Tosh, she spent all her available camping time with him.

I wanted to take her to a band I knew she'd like, and a to comedy she loves for Valentine's Day. Both were, for lack of better word, "cock blocked" by Tosh. She wanted to spend time with him at shows. She wanted to have sex with him after these shows, which is another reason why she really needs/wants to stay overnight this weekend, too.

I know I sound a bit bitter, but it's just another annoying thing I can't get over. I wish there was some way I could enjoy or appreciate this NRE thing via compersion or something. For the most part though, I'm just pissed that I keep getting cock blocked. Ugh, sorry for the rant.

 

[AnnabelMore]

Preempting the social activities you two enjoy for time with him shows a really troubling lack of respect for your relationship. Calling it cockblocking makes it sound like it's all about sex, but it's about a lot more than that. If I had a best friend who started turning me down for all the things we normally do together to go instead with a new best friend who I wasn't allowed to hang with, I'd be pissed and hurt... and this isn't a friend we're talking about, it's a partner!

She needs to understand how hurtful and damaging those choices are and commit to changing her ways if she really cares about her relationship with you. Sometimes people think that an "old" relationship doesn't need the same investment of time and energy to thrive as a new relationship, but that's just not true. In fact, the opposite can be true when you no longer have NRE on your side.

 

[rory]

You don't need to feel guilty about what you want. We all have wants and needs, some rational and some irrational. Be patient and understanding towards yourself. Sometimes something you want may be unreasonable, and you can't have that, and yet it's not WRONG to feel like you want that, as long as you don't insist on having it.

Part of my issue with Tosh is that he is quite demanding on GF's time, perhaps without realizing it. He requests weekend getaways, concerts, hiking dates. Somewhere in me feels that if he recognizes that she needs to cultivate her relationship with me as much (if not more) than with his, perhaps he'd be more thoughtful on proposing weekly getaways.

I understand this, but really, he is doing nothing wrong. Until now, he's been your girlfriend's very own friend, and then her very own secret lover. Right now, it isn't really relevant to you what he wants. What she wants and does is relevant. He doesn't know you, and what he knows about your girlfriend's relationship with you comes from her.

What he sees is that she is willing to disrespect you by cheating with him. If she doesn't respect you and your relationship, why should he when he doesn't even know you? He has no obligation to you. She does. Maybe that will change after you and Tosh get to know each other (more on that later), but at the moment this is how it is.

Now then, at the bottom of it, the problem isn't that Tosh is demanding gf's time/requesting getaways, and coming up with numerous concert and hiking dates. He likes her. Why wouldn't he want to spend time with her? There's nothing wrong with him asking. And since he doesn't know you, he can have little consideration for your feelings, because in most cases he can't even know what they are.

This is not about him. It is between you and gf. She is the person who has a relationship with you. She is responsible for taking your feelings into account. So, do you feel like they spend too much time together? When he asks her to go somewhere, does she always agree to it? What if you have plans? Have you and gf communicated about this? If there is something going on that makes you feel disrespected (what is it exactly?), there are two possibilities:

1) You haven't told your gf how you feel about that particular issue, or have told her but she didn't understand, so she doesn't know how her decisions affect you
2) She knows, and thinks what you ask for is unreasonable, but instead of communicating that to you, and coming to an agreement together, chooses to disrespect your wishes. Or, she has tried to tell you how she feels and what she thinks, but you haven't understood her.

Can you see what I mean by saying that it's irrelevant what he wants and does? It doesn't matter if he begs her to go to places. She still makes the call, and has the responsibility for that decision. Both of you are responsible for communicating your thoughts and feelings to each other and coming to an agreement.

I do think it would be beneficial for you and Tosh to get to know each other better, since that can create mutual caring and respect between you two. Once you're there, you can expect him to care for your relationship with your gf, as well as their relationship.

Edit: Wow, I hadn't read your latest post before writing that, but this is something very not cool on her part:

I actually love going camping with the GF. n fact, it was my goal this year to go as much as possible. Unfortunately, when gf got real hot with Tosh, she spent all her available camping time with him.
I wanted to take her to a band I knew she'd like and a comedy she loves Both were "cock blocked."

Again, you shouldn't focus on Tosh here, but on the fact that your gf is being really insensitive towards you. I'm not surprised you feel bitter about her behaviour. I would be too. If you haven't, you should let gf know how her decisions here have made you feel. She's probably all in NRE with him (which can make people act in inconsiderate ways, if they aren't careful) and after deciding to cheat, she let go of other consideration of your feelings, too.

But if she now wants to repair the damage, this kind of thing has to stop. It is not enough that she feels love for you both; she needs to act that way, as well. You might want to do a tag search for NRE and have her read something about it (either here or elsewhere) so both of you know what you're very likely dealing with, in addition to all other stuff. NRE doesn't excuse any of her actions, mind you. I'm bringing it up so that you know it might be an additional challenge.

 

[redpepper]

NRE sucks, no doubt about it. I wonder, though, if there is some resentment here on your part about the fact that he is male? Your "cockblock" statements make me think that there is a bit more going on here for you than you are letting on. Is that so?

 

[mcmctalk]

NRE sucks. No doubt about it. I wonder though if there is some resentment here on your part about the fact that he is male? Your "cockblock" statements make me think that there is a bit more going on here for you than you are letting on. Is that so?

I think that is true. The fact that he is male makes the situation more uncomfortable for me. In other words, if it were one of her female friends taking her camping, going to concerts (and I was not allowed to go along), I'd feel less bitter about it.

The fact of the matter is, I certainly feel jealous that he gets some sort of royal treatment when it comes to concerts/camping, etc., because of the NRE and the fact that somehow they "enjoy" these activities more than gf and I would as a couple.

She has defended it in the past by saying that these just happen to be their favorite bands, and that he's her "camping buddy." She said she'll find something that could be ours, like jazz music (which is my favorite). I'm certainly still bitter that I'm somehow excluded from enjoying certain activities if I don't beat him to the punch in finding the shows, or setting up the dates, or if it's an activity he doesn't give a shit about, like jazz concerts.

I sound childish and ridiculous. These are instances where I just wish we could go back to being monogamous, where we could enjoy activities together as a couple, and not be fighting over a finite amount of time/attention.

 

[rory]

I sound childish and ridiculous. I just wish we could go back to being monogamous, where we could enjoy activities together as a couple, not be fighting over a finite amount of time/attention.

These two are not your only choices. Actually, they are a bit unrealistic, though, obviously, you have the right to feel that way. But she already spent time with him when you were monogamous, and, well, you weren't really monogamous in the end, because she was cheating on you. Anyway, my point is that you don't need to feel like suddenly there is a very finite amount of time, whereas there used to be an abundance. If you're really getting A LOT less time, then she should slow down. She needs to put effort into your relatioship as well, not only theirs, if she wants it to survive the transition.