Anxious about quasi-polyamorous relationship

[Arce]

Hello,

My wife and I have been married for 3 years, together for 8. About six months ago she started developing a really close relationship with a co-worker. They work together on a lot of projects, talked a lot about work and non-work, and then realized that they were attracted to one another. After a period in which she didn't know how to talk about it with me, and during which they were doing a little bit of fantasy sexting stuff, she told me about the situation. She says she is fully committed to me, loves me and wants to have a family with me. But she also says this relationship with the co-worker is really important because he can support her when work is stressful, which it often is. And she has become more comfortable with sex through talking with him. My wife has had a lot of hangups about sex. Initially, I was really hurt and I continue to find the situation confusing. But I am trying to be supportive and open-minded. I would never want to tell me wife to get rid of a relationship that helps make her happy.

After a few weeks of feeling really stressed out about our relationship, I started feeling better and I told my wife that I was okay with the sexting, skype sex stuff as long as we could be open with one another and that we weren't taking our relationship for granted, that I was still being prioritized. I told her I didn't need to know the details of the sexting, skype sex stuff. Not exactly a polyamorous relationship, I guess, but I thought this might be a better, more open-minded venue than others for this kind of situation.

After a handful of months, I am still feeling pretty insecure with the whole situation. I don't want to be possessive and I want my wife to have relationships that make her happy and make her feel supported. But they text a lot and I feel uncomfortable, like there is a kind of secrecy in our relationship now. When we talked about this recently, I gave the example of not wanting to look at her phone because it seemed like that be a violation of privacy even though before I would have casually picked up her phone to look something up if mine was in the other room. I am struggling with how to respect her privacy, recognizing that she has an erotic self that isn't confined to our relationship, with my fear that this kind of secrecy--I'm not sure that is the right word--might lead to emotional distance.

In part, the situation has been made worse because I am anxious about some career changes in my life right now. But I also just need to know how to handle this situation better.

Any suggestions?

Thanks a lot

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle.

I don't want to be possessive and I want my wife to have relationships that make her happy and make her feel supported. But they text a lot and I feel uncomfortable, like there is a kind of secrecy in our relationship now.

What's the secret? Is this relationship appropriate? Is this kind relationship frowned upon at work and they are skulking around? And you don't like enabling that secret?

She cannot have a supportive coworker without it going to a sexting buddy place?

Is the texting getting obsessive or out of hand?

How does she see this relationship ending?

Having a workplace sexting buddy for x weeks and that's it?

Or that ends because it becomes something else like a lover or BF?

Are you ok with all that? Where's the line for you? Has that been articulated?

In part, the situation has been made worse because I am anxious about some career changes in my life right now. But I also just need to know how to handle this situation better.

I hope the career changes pan out ok.

I think you could assess if the agreements were reasonable, rational, and clearly articulated and understood in the same way by both parties.

Then assess if wife is holding up her end of the deal or not. And if you are holding up your end of the deal or not.

And if not, request / make behavior changes.

I told my wife that I was okay with the sexting, skype sex stuff as long as we could be open with one another and that we weren't taking our relationship for granted, that I was still being prioritized.

Is she being open with you? TOO open? Like sexting during dinner and not being PRESENT at the meal?

Is she taking the relationship with you for granted?

How does she demonstrate that she prioritizes you?

Is there emotional distance between you and wife now?

Initially, I was really hurt and I continue to find the situation confusing.

Some people are ok with or enjoy "fuzzy boundary" relationships. I do not. I like firm boundaries.

I'm not going sext a coworker. I don't kiss them even if it is their bday. A handshake or friendly hug if we are close coworkers, but not past that. I def don't chat them up about sex. I don't find that work place appropriate nor professional conduct.

I might hug or kiss a friend on their wedding or on their birthday, but I'm not gonna sext them. I might talk about sex with close friends, but I don't want to share sex fantasies or share sex with them.

Galagirl

 

[lunabunny]

Hi. There's a few things I have to say/ask about this situation:

1.) You can support a co-worker/friend with work-related problems without the relationship turning sexual. Those dynamics are completely separate issues.

2.) What sort of sexual hang-ups negatively affect your wife in general and/or within your/her relationship?

3.) In light of the above... do you know (has she explained) what it is about this other person, and their relationship dynamic, that has "unlocked the door" to sexual feelings and experiences she is now able to enjoy and be more open about? (For example, does she have issues with her appearance which is a "non issue" because their "sex" is only online? Does she has kink needs that were going unmet in your relationship? etc.)

4.) You didn't specify if they've had sex in person (yet?) - and I'm not sure how you'd know for sure if that were the case, although it sounds as if you trust your wife to tell you if something like that had occurred.

Has she mentioned whether or not this other relationship is heading in that direction, or has she already assured you it won't? Are you willing to consent to her taking that next step if it becomes a possibility? Are you willing to broach the subject with your wife?

5.) Have you, or would you, be willing to do some research into polyamory in order to become more knowledgeable about, and comfortable with the current situation (via books and websites such as Than Two)... and maybe see a poly-friendly therapist or couples counsellor together?

 

[Arce]

Thank you for your replies. I'll try to answer some of the questions to give you a better sense of what is going on:

2.) What sort of sexual hang-ups negatively affect your wife in general and/or within your/her relationship?

3.) In light of the above... do you know (has she explained) what it is about this other person, and their relationship dynamic, that has "unlocked the door" to sexual feelings and experiences she is now able to enjoy and be more open about? (For example, does she have issues with her appearance which is a "non issue" because their "sex" is only online? Does she has kink needs that were going unmet in your relationship? etc.)


She grew up Catholic, so she says it took her a while to get past some of the shame that was instilled in her. She also had some experience with sexual assault before our relationship. For a while she was basically asexual. We would have sex, but it wasn't something she initiated.

Why has her relationship with this guy allowed her to become more open and comfortable with sex? I'm not sure fully understand, and I think I might feel better if we were able to talk about it more. She said that the fantasy thing was helpful and that it was helpful to talk to someone other than me because is worried about saying the wrong thing or feeling pressure to not disappoint me. I don't think I am putting pressure on her, and I don't think she would say that I am. I think it is largely a self-imposed pressure, but that isn't an issue when she is talking to someone else.

We have been having a lot more sex and much better sex, but I guess I would like to be able to talk about it, know more about how her thoughts/feelings about sex have changed.

4.) You didn't specify if they've had sex in person (yet?) - and I'm not sure how you'd know for sure if that were the case, although it sounds as if you trust your wife to tell you if something like that had occurred.

Has she mentioned whether or not this other relationship is heading in that direction, or has she already assured you it won't? Are you willing to consent to her taking that next step if it becomes a possibility? Are you willing to broach the subject with your wife?

As far as I know, they haven't had sex in person. I told her that if she wanted to do a fully polyamorous relationship, that we could talk about it. If she did want to have sex with him and asked me about that, I'm not sure what I would say. I do trust my wife, but I'll admit that I occasionally fear that they have had sex and that she might be scared to tell me. I haven't asked her directly since I first found out, but I have been thinking about asking her.

Thank you for bringing up the question of where the relationship is going. I think that is something that I have been confused about. I think I hoped that it was just a crush and that it would just turn into a close friend thing after a few months, but I'm not sure that is the case. It does kind of scare me to think that it would just be a permanent part of our lives.

Is she being open with you? TOO open? Like sexting during dinner and not being PRESENT at the meal?

Is she taking the relationship with you for granted?

How does she demonstrate that she prioritizes you?

Is there emotional distance between you and wife now?

I know she texts a lot with him, and she doesn't deny it. I think it might be too much. She certainly doesn't sext him in front of me. She doesn't want to obviously text him in front of me because she is worried it will make me uncomfortable. But at the same time that makes me feel like she is hiding it.

I don't think she is taking our relationship for granted but her work has been really demanding so it has been hard for us to find time for each other. To be clear, her work schedule is really demanding. It isn't that she is making it up in order to spend time with him. But because they work on a lot of projects together, it does mean that they frequently need to talk.

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't think I am putting pressure on her, and I don't think she would say that I am. I think it is largely a self-imposed pressure, but that isn't an issue when she is talking to someone else.

What makes it different to her so it isn't an issue?

We have been having a lot more sex and much better sex, but I guess I would like to be able to talk about it, know more about how her thoughts/feelings about sex have changed.

So ask her about it.

I do trust my wife, but I'll admit that I occasionally fear that they have had sex and that she might be scared to tell me. I haven't asked her directly since I first found out, but I have been thinking about asking her.

Ask her what you want to know. If nothing else, you need to know stuff for your own sex health hygiene if you are going bareback with wife. Otherwise your own sex practices with her have to update and you have to stop being fluid bonded with wife (if you are fluid bonded.)

I think I hoped that it was just a crush and that it would just turn into a close friend thing after a few months, but I'm not sure that is the case. It does kind of scare me to think that it would just be a permanent part of our lives.

Could talk about that with her.

She certainly doesn't sext him in front of me. She doesn't want to obviously text him in front of me because she is worried it will make me uncomfortable. But at the same time that makes me feel like she is hiding it.

You two sound like you both shy away from mental/emotional intimacy with each other. This is your SPOUSE. Why are each of you not comfortable having these talks?

Like before this crush dude ever even showed up... You guys weren't already talking intimately? Why or why not?

But because they work on a lot of projects together, it does mean that they frequently need to talk.

You guys are married and work on a lot of life together. Don't you need to talk too?

I encourage you both to talk and sort things out.

Galagirl

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Arce,

I feel like maybe this poly situation has put up walls between you and your wife. Like you can't look at her phone, you have to worry about her privacy. In a marriage, it is important that a man and his wife don't distance each other. So I don't blame you for worrying about that part.

You seem to be handling this as well as you could be expected to. Continue to read and post on this forum, that will help give you a growing understanding of polyamory along with tips and tricks. For now, let's just say that communication is one of the most important things. Keep communicating with your wife, and you won't have to distance each other.

I commend you for being open to this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Arce]

Thank you for your replies and suggestions. My wife and I talked recently about needing to communicate more, but I think I was struggling with what sort of questions I needed to answered. Your replies have given me some ideas, so thank you.

 

[kdt26417]

Sounds like we've been helpful so far; that's good to hear.

 

[KC43]

I don't think I am putting pressure on her, and I don't think she would say that I am. I think it is largely a self-imposed pressure, but that isn't an issue when she is talking to someone else.

What makes it different to her so it isn't an issue?

I can't speak for Arce's wife, obviously, but I have an answer that might explain this.

When Hubby and I first opened the marriage, and for quite a while thereafter, I felt okay exploring sexually with other men. I talked to them about things I wanted to try. I tried things with them that I hadn't done before. I delved a bit into kink, and that was pretty cool too. I didn't feel any pressure with them, and while I felt some shame (due to upbringing and societal conditioning), it wasn't nearly as much as it could have been.

But with *Hubby*... First off, one of the reasons we opened the marriage was because he was unwilling to try any of the sexual things I wanted to explore. Different positions? Forget it. Sex somewhere other than our bed? Nope, not happening. Even though he had told me at the beginning of the relationship that he would help me explore, he shot down every single thing I asked for, and he didn't just say no, he said things like "Only teenagers do that, we're adults." Judgmental, sometimes harsh things that made me feel like I was doing something wrong for wanting what I wanted.

(He later admitted that he just wasn't "man enough"--his words--to say he felt uncomfortable with what I was asking, so he shot things down to cover the discomfort, without taking time to consider how his harshness and judgementalness would affect me given that he knew my history. What it ended up doing was putting me back YEARS in my trauma recovery.)

So these things I was exploring with other men were things Hubby had refused to do to begin with. And because of *how* he had refused, I felt like I was doing something wrong by wanting and exploring those things. I didn't really care what the other men thought about me; for the most part, they were friends with benefits, which for me is a less emotionally-entangled connection. If they got judgy or tried to shame me, I could tell them to go fuck themselves and just walk away with little or no pain to myself.

But Hubby was (obviously) my husband. I was--and am--in love with him, and despite the issues we'd had, I had no doubt that he loved me. He helped raise my kids. He financially supported me and them to the extent that I was mostly able to stay home, something that was necessary with my older one for various health-related reasons. (They--singular they--were in high school, but I often had to go to the school because school staff were spectacularly incompetent when it came to managing my kid's needs.) Because I worked only 6-10 hours a week, I didn't have financial resources. My biggest fear was that Hubby would become disgusted by what I was doing with other men, or by the fact that *other* men were involved at all, and would kick me and the kids out on the street.

In other words, tl/dr: When I had sex with other guys, I didn't care what they thought of me, because I kept the emotional entanglement at friendship level and because those guys had no input in or control over my daily life. I could walk away from them without damage. But with Hubby, I had a strong emotional entanglement, and he pretty much determined whether my kids and I had a home, so I cared--and was afraid of--what *he* might think of me.

Like I said, I don't know what's in Arce's wife's head, but given the Catholic, sex-shamey upbringing, I would guess she might be experiencing something similar to me, at least in part.