Asexual Husband open to me having sex with no strings outside of our relationship ...sooo questions ‘bout that ....

[LeelooDallasMultipass]

Heya Peeps! So yeah I have about a bazillion questions but obvs I’m gonna have to cut that down to just an important few. My husband is Asexual and it’s something he’s been able to admit out loud and talk about more in the last year or so. I’m having a very tough time with it because I’m a highly sexual person. I’ve been able to handle things by myself with my box-o’-toys, but I’m finding that it’s not enough anymore. My husband fully realizes this and was the one to suggest an “open relationship” on my end (where I guess I just hook up with rando’s for sex?) ....both of us have a total of 0 clues how to handle something like this. I’ve never thought of myself as monogamous to begin with, but we do love each other very much and honestly,....it’s like we’re soulmates only ....minus the sex ( can’t think of a better way to describe it). Thinking about not growing old together in the same house or ending our relationship gives him a panic attack. While I don’t get panic attacks, I do cry and get extremely sad thinking about us going our separate ways since we’re tied to the hip in every other part of our lives.

So I guess my first question is ...how have others handled situations like this? I mean, open relationships with only one person in the “open“ part seem to only have very rare occasions of working out. I don’t think i’ve ever asked the question until now (even in my BRAIN), of “how do you legally hire a male prostitute once a month or so.?”

It’s not....something you can just google. I’m open and willing to try new things but I really never thought I’d be in this sort of relationship where it came to that. So yup....questions galore. Is there a better way to ask these sort of questions? I don’t even know if how I’m wording things can be seen as offensive or crass to someone here? Like, these things floating around in my brain now of “am I gonna have to find a sex partner of the month?”.....”is it even legal for me to pay someone for sex in my state?” ....”what if I end up putting myself in an unsafe situation?”

 

[TXretired]

Welcome. Talk. The most important thing you two can do. What are you looking for? What do you want in a partner? My wife and I have a great relationship. I am in a fixed, exclusive relationship with “Ewe” outside of my marriage. My wife is open to poly or a fwb relationship with another. She has had a tough time filtering out the chaff. It has been slow going for her. Seems that the buzzards are pretty thick. Take your time and talk with your husband. It will happen.

 

[dingedheart]

Hi and welcome to the forum

how long have you been married and how long had you been suffering this sexual disconnect. People always assume in these situations it must have been pretty much out of the gate but I’ve heard that’s not the case.

Also do you have children together?

I think the hardest thing for both of you / most poly newbies is thinking here’s the problem or situation and then “ this “ is the fix. And what everyone is going to find out is the lines will get very blurred and emotions will be involved etc etc etc and what was drawn up on paper isnt at all what the prototype look like. All that being said I think it wise to do a considerable amount of research for both you and him. And secondly I wouldn’t make the false promise that this will be strictly about getting sexual needs met. In my experiences in life which includes my sporadic timo on the forum women seem more prone to get emotionally attached. And there’s all kinds of biological reason for this as well. There are members here that will gladly explain that in great detail if you want.

I see conflict for a highly sexual person only exercise this new freedom or extension / whatever once a month. Realistically once you jump into this pool we‘re going to want to splash around in it a while. I think that’s to be expected. To try and set up false barriers to eliminate this from happening IMO is just extending the process and making it more confusing for your spouse.

Id also read up on disentangling. This is a process for your spouse to get climatized to having you around less physically and prepare him emotionally for becoming less of a priority in the shift of status of being the one and only.

I think you have a really good chance of success

 

[ref2018]

If you are looking for "just sex" and no emotional entanglement, I strongly suggest that you look into swinging as a "married with hall pass" single. You will find more than enough action, and you usually won't have to pay anything, except occasionally a nominal entry fee for some venues. I think you should post your questions to a swinger forum (such as reddit.com/r/swingers), as this forum is for polyamory, which means more than one emotionally involved/committed relationship.

I love your user name, though.

 

[GalaGirl]

Thinking about not growing old together in the same house or ending our relationship gives him a panic attack. While I don’t get panic attacks, I do cry and get extremely sad thinking about us going our separate ways since we’re tied to the hip in every other part of our lives.


What is"tied to the hip?" It's ok to be close, but are you talking about codependent? And recovering from that before you do anything else new?

And just because you started talking about opening the relationship, it doesn't mean you have to run right out to share sex with whoever. Some couples take years to talk it out.

I agree with dingedheart -- talk about detangling.

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!

medium.com

So I guess my first question is ...how have others handled situations like this? I mean, open relationships with only one person in the “open“ part seem to only have very rare occasions of working out. I don’t think i’ve ever asked the question until now (even in my BRAIN), of “how do you legally hire a male prostitute once a month or so.?”

Is that what you prefer? To hire someone?

Do you want to swing?

Do you want to talk to spouse about a friend with benefits and the possiblity of a regular BF or GF?

Would BDSM/kink be on the list? What about online play/camming/streaming?

Maybe you want to do the Opening Up worksheets together and do some reading.

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.

practicalpolyamory.com

Free Downloads from Opening Up – OpeningUp.net

Could do this one with colored pencils. Each one of you colors things in.

Green = good to go
Yellow = proceed with caution
Red = stop to check in. Might be a soft limit that changes over time or a hard limit. Need disucssion.
Black = hell, no, never.

https://openingup.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Open-Relationship-Checklist-OU.pdf

Then read some more. Websites, books, etc.

Figure out your messy people list. I would guess he would not love you sexing up his parents, right? Who would be the "messy people" not to get involved with?


I think some education and continued conversations at this point could be the way to go. Including the fact that sharing sex with people, unless you are going to keep changing partners, usually leads to developing feelings for them. Then what?

It's not like you want to run out in pandemic and share sex with whoever this minute, right? Take it easy and think some of these things out.

Esp if both of you are processing changes. Husband only came out as asexual this past year and that needs some time to digest. Now this new change -- contemplating open marriage. Also needs some time to digest. And sometimes crying and feeling blue about it all -- deal with the grief and anticipatory grief first.

Because something IS ending --- the old normal you knew.

So something else can begin -- "the new normal" where there is space for his asexuality and your sexuality to have expression. Even if you aren't sure what the "new normal" is gonna look like yet.

Be kind to yourselves.

Galagirl

 

[MeeraReed]

Just want to say I love your username! Time for a rewatch of The Fifth Element, haven't seen it in a few years.

Now back to our regularly schedule programming...

 

[3908]

welcome to the forum!

I'm sort of new to this aswell. I've spent alot of time reading posts and threads on this forum, to learn about others but also to learn about what im interested in myself. so i would encourage you to read a lot of posts here if you have some time, you might learn more about what you are interested in or not.

In my case Im married, my wife would be the primary, and im interested in a secondary, a female friend who is basically a girlified, more so for affection and emotional connection but no sex.

my wife is NOT interested in poly, wants nothing to do with it and will not give me consent to have such a relationship with another woman.

you mentioned prostitutes.....
when I was in my 30s I spent several years on POF.COM looking for dates. I hooked up with ALOT of 1 night stands from POF and never paid for any sex, aside from buying them dinner sometimes. in my opinion no need to pay prostitutes.
not sure about guys on POF, but I found that if a woman put something like...."no sex on the first date" in their profile....they would usually give it up on the first date..... LOL

take care, enjoy your exploration

 

[LeelooDallasMultipass]

Welcome. Talk. The most important thing you two can do. What are you looking for? What do you want in a partner? My wife and I have a great relationship. I am in a fixed, exclusive relationship with “Ewe” outside of my marriage. My wife is open to poly or a fwb relationship with another. She has had a tough time filtering out the chaff. It has been slow going for her. Seems that the buzzards are pretty thick. Take your time and talk with your husband. It will happen.

Heya,....yeah I‘m just looking for the physical intimacy that my psyche requires. My husband has always had a very low sex drive. He’s admitted to needing a few drinks before forcing himself to do it ever since he was 18, and for the longest time he thought it was the product of job stress, anxieties, and some health problems he has. Since he’s been able to get help and now realizes he’s asexual, there is no need for him to force himself into being sexually intimate. I especially do not want him to pretend or be someone he is not. Our families and his career make this even more difficult for me to do visibly. No one other than my husband and maybe a few very close friends of ours would know about this. I’m already walking on a very thin line with my crazy ass parents ( crazy ass cause they are Jehovah’s Witnesses)....and despite disagreeing with them on virtually every single thing, they are still my parents and I love them. They‘re a lot like Morman‘s only....more batshit in some areas and less batshit in others ( thank fake Jesus I could drink coffee growing up)........basically I’m going to have to find physical intimacy with someone on the downlow without having it be permanent or becoming emotionally involved.

 

[3908]

Heya,....yeah I‘m just looking for the physical intimacy that my psyche requires. My husband has always had a very low sex drive. He’s admitted to needing a few drinks before forcing himself to do it ever since he was 18, and for the longest time he thought it was the product of job stress, anxieties, and some health problems he has. Since he’s been able to get help and now realizes he’s asexual, there is no need for him to force himself into being sexually intimate. I especially do not want him to pretend or be someone he is not. Our families and his career make this even more difficult for me to do visibly. No one other than my husband and maybe a few very close friends of ours would know about this. I’m already walking on a very thin line with my crazy ass parents ( crazy ass cause they are Jehovah’s Witnesses)....and despite disagreeing with them on virtually every single thing, they are still my parents and I love them. They‘re a lot like Morman‘s only....more batshit in some areas and less batshit in others ( thank fake Jesus I could drink coffee growing up)........basically I’m going to have to find physical intimacy with someone on the downlow without having it be permanent or becoming emotionally involved.

part of my childhood was spent in a abusive home with a Narcissistic Mormon Step mother and convert Father. I've spent a lot of time over the years in support groups for Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses. I'm really sorry your parents are JW's the abuse that people experience in that group pisses me off. both of my Mormon Parents are unsafe people and I have cut ties with them for my recovery.

 

[LeelooDallasMultipass]

Hi and welcome to the forum

how long have you been married and how long had you been suffering this sexual disconnect. People always assume in these situations it must have been pretty much out of the gate but I’ve heard that’s not the case.

Also do you have children together?

I think the hardest thing for both of you / most poly newbies is thinking here’s the problem or situation and then “ this “ is the fix. And what everyone is going to find out is the lines will get very blurred and emotions will be involved etc etc etc and what was drawn up on paper isnt at all what the prototype look like. All that being said I think it wise to do a considerable amount of research for both you and him. And secondly I wouldn’t make the false promise that this will be strictly about getting sexual needs met. In my experiences in life which includes my sporadic timo on the forum women seem more prone to get emotionally attached. And there’s all kinds of biological reason for this as well. There are members here that will gladly explain that in great detail if you want.

I see conflict for a highly sexual person only exercise this new freedom or extension / whatever once a month. Realistically once you jump into this pool we‘re going to want to splash around in it a while. I think that’s to be expected. To try and set up false barriers to eliminate this from happening IMO is just extending the process and making it more confusing for your spouse.

Id also read up on disentangling. This is a process for your spouse to get climatized to having you around less physically and prepare him emotionally for becoming less of a priority in the shift of status of being the one and only.

I think you have a really good chance of success

We’ve been married 9 yrs now and since our wedding this has been an ongoing issue. For several years he was able to find excuses for his lack of interest in sex. He legitimately has a very stressful job AND a few different health probs that make it understandable. I didn’t know it at the time we married, but he’s had to either take a Xanax or have several drinks beforehand to have sex and it’s been something he’s had to do since he was a teenager. He was faking it to make it. We don’t have any children and we haven’t had sex in 3 yrs now. So I’ve been forced into celibacy for 3 yrs now with very sporadic sex 6 yrs before that ( usually we only had sex on vacations), and in a way it’s made me better understand how hard it was for him to feel “Forced” into having sexual intimacies.

While I understand the varied hormonal differences between women and men, there is not definitive evidence that woman in a broad sweeping manner, are more likely to become more emotionally attached with sex than men would be. I’m just a Soil Geologist that’s now working in Geoscience Communications, but my husband is a Clincal Psychologist and he’s been very helpful in working out our communication with this ...( ha, go figure right? but to be fair, most people in their jobs have a horrible time self-diagnosing....kinda like the housekeeper who’s own house is a mess.... or a doctor who refuses to go to a doctor). While he works with many in the LGBT+ community (and those in poly relationships), having to deal with his own identity and the issues i‘m facing because of it means he’s living it himself now. We’re definitely doing research on it ( cause were huge fucking nerds and it’s just smart to do), but i wanted to talk to those who may be in similar situations and see what they‘ve come across and how they’ve handled it. Before we met, I was not a person who was emotionally invested in sexual relationships. I had lost a fiancé in a car acc in my early 20’s, and for the next several yrs I was happy to just have sex with no strings to satisfy my need for physical touch and intimacy. For me to be emotionally attached to someone they have to challenge me mentally. Which is why we both believe this is something we “could” work out, but it’s mostly the logistics and finding willing partners that are on the same page that seems to be the biggest questions for us.

 

[LeelooDallasMultipass]

welcome to the forum!

I'm sort of new to this aswell. I've spent alot of time reading posts and threads on this forum, to learn about others but also to learn about what im interested in myself. so i would encourage you to read a lot of posts here if you have some time, you might learn more about what you are interested in or not.

In my case Im married, my wife would be the primary, and im interested in a secondary, a female friend who is basically a girlified, more so for affection and emotional connection but no sex.

my wife is NOT interested in poly, wants nothing to do with it and will not give me consent to have such a relationship with another woman.

you mentioned prostitutes.....
when I was in my 30s I spent several years on POF.COM looking for dates. I hooked up with ALOT of 1 night stands from POF and never paid for any sex, aside from buying them dinner sometimes. in my opinion no need to pay prostitutes.
not sure about guys on POF, but I found that if a woman put something like...."no sex on the first date" in their profile....they would usually give it up on the first date..... LOL

take care, enjoy your exploration

Thanks! I’m sorry your wife isn’t open to exploring this with you, but maybe given time that’ll change? It took a while for my husband to get therapy to try and find out what his issue was with sex & why it was so hard for him to have any sexual desire. He’s had multiple tests to find out if it was testosterone levels etc...until him & his therapist realized he’s asexual. I’ve always been open to trying things sexually and we did have some friends who were swingers. While I was interested , he wasn’t and it got him angry to visually see someone else physically intimate with me ( this was before he realized he was asexual).

Now he’s fully in consent about this, as long as I don’t get emotionally involved with someone. Which was why we both thought that prostitutes would be best since that rules out any possible emotional relationship forming. I don’t want to have to get online and chat someone up to proposition them. I want to just call someone and set up a time and have it be an exchange. I mean, seeing me write this down sounds so clinical and shit, but.....and this may eye-rolling...but un-involved sex is like a fantastic body massage to me. I REALLY love it, and feel great afterward. If I could have it everyday I would be ecstatic, but I don’t want to marry or go on dates with my masseuse. Haha, maybe that’s too crass as an analogy? I kinda feel bad that masseuses are sexualized like that, it is a job that requires physical touching though.

 

[LeelooDallasMultipass]

part of my childhood was spent in a abusive home with a Narcissistic Mormon Step mother and convert Father. I've spent a lot of time over the years in support groups for Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses. I'm really sorry your parents are JW's the abuse that people experience in that group pisses me off. both of my Mormon Parents are unsafe people and I have cut ties with them for my recovery.

Yeah JW’s and Mormans both are scary fuckers. I can finally admit to being an atheist now which is like “ahhhhhhh“ so freeing. What frustrates the hell outta me is that my parents are decent people *overall* and I was never abused by them and they encouraged my education. They treated my gay uncle like shit when I was a kid, but when I graduated high school early at 16 , got a full ride academic scholarship & moved out at 17, I stayed with my uncle ( cause...fuck their homophobic garbage). But they quickly realized how monstrous they were being and apologized to my uncle and started accepting him ( which they admittedly hide from other JW’s since they aren’t supposed to be around any non-JW’s) They are capable of change, but the fact that they continue to stay in that cult still is mind boggling. If they still treated my uncle bad & said racist and bigoted things I would cut ties with them too. A good friend of mine JW parents are absolute psychopaths. They didn’t believe her after she was raped by an elder. Soooo much abuse happens in insular religions or really ANY religion, but especially those who try to control people lives and tell them how to live. You don’t hear about a lot of Episcopalian or Humanist churches having abuse probs because they don’t care how you believe or what you do with your life as long as you aren’t actively hurting others. But Mormans, JW’s, Catholics, and all the other extremists and cults out there, are riddled with sexual & physical abuses...most of which never get heard. I’m soooo glad you were able to get out of that toxic place. But it does leave marks on our psyches.

 

[LeelooDallasMultipass]

If you are looking for "just sex" and no emotional entanglement, I strongly suggest that you look into swinging as a "married with hall pass" single. You will find more than enough action, and you usually won't have to pay anything, except occasionally a nominal entry fee for some venues. I think you should post your questions to a swinger forum (such as reddit.com/r/swingers), as this forum is for polyamory, which means more than one emotionally involved/committed relationship.

I love your user name, though.

Great advice! That might be something that works or can at least be given a shot at. My husband thinks it “could“ work out to also try and find a bisexual male/male couple who would be interested in an ongoing “side relationship“ with a woman ( I’m personally not interested in a sexual relationships with women, I’ve explored that before I was married and it’s not something that sexually aroused me).

If I could have the perfect arrangement, it would be to find a male bisexual couple to be involved with sexually & in friendship long term?( just not living with them) . And maybe that is something better addressed in a swingers forum then?

 

[LeelooDallasMultipass]

Thinking about not growing old together in the same house or ending our relationship gives him a panic attack. While I don’t get panic attacks, I do cry and get extremely sad thinking about us going our separate ways since we’re tied to the hip in every other part of our lives.


What is"tied to the hip?" It's ok to be close, but are you talking about codependent? And recovering from that before you do anything else new?

And just because you started talking about opening the relationship, it doesn't mean you have to run right out to share sex with whoever. Some couples take years to talk it out.

I agree with dingedheart -- talk about detangling.

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!

medium.com

So I guess my first question is ...how have others handled situations like this? I mean, open relationships with only one person in the “open“ part seem to only have very rare occasions of working out. I don’t think i’ve ever asked the question until now (even in my BRAIN), of “how do you legally hire a male prostitute once a month or so.?”

Is that what you prefer? To hire someone?

Do you want to swing?

Do you want to talk to spouse about a friend with benefits and the possiblity of a regular BF or GF?

Would BDSM/kink be on the list? What about online play/camming/streaming?

Maybe you want to do the Opening Up worksheets together and do some reading.

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.

practicalpolyamory.com

Free Downloads from Opening Up – OpeningUp.net

Could do this one with colored pencils. Each one of you colors things in.

Green = good to go
Yellow = proceed with caution
Red = stop to check in. Might be a soft limit that changes over time or a hard limit. Need disucssion.
Black = hell, no, never.

https://openingup.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Open-Relationship-Checklist-OU.pdf

Then read some more. Websites, books, etc.

Figure out your messy people list. I would guess he would not love you sexing up his parents, right? Who would be the "messy people" not to get involved with?


I think some education and continued conversations at this point could be the way to go. Including the fact that sharing sex with people, unless you are going to keep changing partners, usually leads to developing feelings for them. Then what?

It's not like you want to run out in pandemic and share sex with whoever this minute, right? Take it easy and think some of these things out.

Esp if both of you are processing changes. Husband only came out as asexual this past year and that needs some time to digest. Now this new change -- contemplating open marriage. Also needs some time to digest. And sometimes crying and feeling blue about it all -- deal with the grief and anticipatory grief first.

Because something IS ending --- the old normal you knew.

So something else can begin -- "the new normal" where there is space for his asexuality and your sexuality to have expression. Even if you aren't sure what the "new normal" is gonna look like yet.

Be kind to yourselves.

Galagirl

Thanks for the references and tips! Thats stuff we’ll definitely be discussing more in depth. We did talk about the emotional side of this issue and he is not at the point where he wants me to be emotionally involved with someone else past a FWB. We’ve discussed co-dependency, and the “tied at the hip” relates to us being very committed to each other and in tune mentally and emotionally. There are also family ties that make this more complex because his father is terminally ill and his mother has a very serious illness as well. My own parents and sister are very religious and this is not something we can be open to them about. Opening our relationship so both our needs can be met ( for now at least), would have to be done in a way that wouldn’t hinder our other relationships or our jobs. My husband as a psychologist, has to be very careful about what gets out on social media or is known at his job. It sucks, but he could lose clients if this was something we were open about to others. We couldn’t have a boyfriend of mine living with us or introduced to family etc...The good side of this is that we both have had to hide things from friends and family before. He’s not told his parents he’s asexual & they have no idea what’s been going on with that. I‘ve smoked ( weed more frequently and cigarettes on occasion) for the past 10 yrs and my parents have no idea that I do that. It’s not an ideal situation by any means, but it’s what we have to work with for the time being.

I was hoping to find someone in a similar situation to what I’m in. I’ve joined an asexual forum to see if there are outlets for the sexual partners of asexual people, and what I’ve found for the most part, is that many asexual partners are able to still have sex on occasion or that they form relationships with other asexual people. So there isn’t like some “sexual partners of asexuals hookup site” , which for some reason I thought might exist .

Just because my husband has been able to come out as asexual himself in the past year doesn’t mean that it’s new for me though. I’m trying my hardest to be as supportive as possible, but I’ve been dealing with this for close to 10 yrs now. It’s been extremely difficult and confusing, not to mention has damaged my self-esteem and confidence. While my husband has been very happy since I’ve been so accepting and understanding, I’ve had my own personal hell of depression and going completely against who I am. So while he’s been able to accept who he is, I’ve not been able to be myself. I don’t know how much longer I can handle that ( my toys are literally starting to break down every few months...Amazon prob thinks we have a VERY kinky household with how often I gotta order new ones).

 

[kdt26417]

Hello LeelooDallasMultipass,

I would think it would be possible to hire a male prostitute once a month, but can you do it legally, no, I don't think you can. Unfortunately. As a society we continue to be backwards in so many ways. But there is the swinging idea (swinging as a "married with hall pass" single). And there is the bi male couple idea. Hopefully you can find a solution that works for you.

And yay! a fellow atheist!
Former Mormon here (Latter-day Saint).
Kudos and regards,
Kevin T.

 

[TXretired]

Stay away from the prostitution thing. Spent time doing stings (cop side). Some good folks get snagged. That said, you are where my wife is. She is looking for a fwb. She is on multiple sites. The profiles are for a couple. It clearly states that I am in an exclusive poly relationship and do not play. It says she is looking for fun, in and out of the bedroom. In her case, she is open to poly if it works, just not required. I do not think she wants that intimacy. This is an interesting place to be and I must be supportive in her quest.

 

[ref2018]

Great advice! That might be something that works or can at least be given a shot at. My husband thinks it “could“ work out to also try and find a bisexual male/male couple who would be interested in an ongoing “side relationship“ with a woman ( I’m personally not interested in a sexual relationships with women, I’ve explored that before I was married and it’s not something that sexually aroused me).

If I could have the perfect arrangement, it would be to find a male bisexual couple to be involved with sexually & in friendship long term?( just not living with them) . And maybe that is something better addressed in a swingers forum then?

For swinging, yes, it could be better addressed in a swinger forum. There is another one called swingersboard.com (I think—Google that for starters) that is set up more like this one, if you're not into Reddit.

However, you should know that you don't have to be with a couple or be bisexual in order to enjoy swinger-related activities. While swinging is primarily a couples-focused "lifestyle" (LS for short), there are also plenty of single people, especially single men (or married men with "hall passes" who play as single men), and although it seems like every woman is supposed to be bi (male bisexuality is, sadly, not anywhere near being openly accepted in the swinging scenes, and you will virtually never find a bisexual male couple at a typical swinger club or event. I suppose they might exist on some of the websites, but as I said, you don't have to be with a couple), there are indeed straight women who also play without a swinging partner (some of these are "hotwives" or women who like gangbangs... some of them are married and their husband is there to watch, etc.). Of course, I'm describing sort of the way things would be at a club. There are other ways to go about it, such as online.

Long story short, if that's you in your profile pic, all you need to do is go on some website like OK Cupid and make a profile, and within minutes you will be getting messaged by every guy within a 50- mile radius, especially if you put "casual sex" in the profile. And OKC is not even a swinging website, it's just a dating website. Single women have absolutely no difficulty finding casual sex online, in fact, the problem is all the caveman crap messages you'll have to sift through to find any of them that are good. At least you're not looking for a serious relationship, so you wouldn't be worried about long-term compatibility.

But yeah, check out a swinger forum or two. Those people have their own opinions that could be of help to you.

 

[dingedheart]

We’ve been married 9 yrs now and since our wedding this has been an ongoing issue. For several years he was able to find excuses for his lack of interest in sex. He legitimately has a very stressful job AND a few different health probs that make it understandable. I didn’t know it at the time we married, but he’s had to either take a Xanax or have several drinks beforehand to have sex and it’s been something he’s had to do since he was a teenager. He was faking it to make it. We don’t have any children and we haven’t had sex in 3 yrs now. So I’ve been forced into celibacy for 3 yrs now with very sporadic sex 6 yrs before that ( usually we only had sex on vacations), and in a way it’s made me better understand how hard it was for him to feel “Forced” into having sexual intimacies.

While I understand the varied hormonal differences between women and men, there is not definitive evidence that woman in a broad sweeping manner, are more likely to become more emotionally attached with sex than men would be. I’m just a Soil Geologist that’s now working in Geoscience Communications, but my husband is a Clincal Psychologist and he’s been very helpful in working out our communication with this ...( ha, go figure right? but to be fair, most people in their jobs have a horrible time self-diagnosing....kinda like the housekeeper who’s own house is a mess.... or a doctor who refuses to go to a doctor). While he works with many in the LGBT+ community (and those in poly relationships), having to deal with his own identity and the issues i‘m facing because of it means he’s living it himself now. We’re definitely doing research on it ( cause were huge fucking nerds and it’s just smart to do), but i wanted to talk to those who may be in similar situations and see what they‘ve come across and how they’ve handled it. Before we met, I was not a person who was emotionally invested in sexual relationships. I had lost a fiancé in a car acc in my early 20’s, and for the next several yrs I was happy to just have sex with no strings to satisfy my need for physical touch and intimacy. For me to be emotionally attached to someone they have to challenge me mentally. Which is why we both believe this is something we “could” work out, but it’s mostly the logistics and finding willing partners that are on the same page that seems to be the biggest questions for us.

Wow the clinical psychologist aspect of this really makes this an interesting story/ case. Maybe after he’s gone through his own ring of fire this will help him in his practice ...another plus

I have dozens of different thoughts on this so it’s hard to zero in on what should be the lead 1 so I guess I just throw them out as they pop up.

To me it sounds like you’ve been amazingly patient, understanding, kind and considerate and he’s gradually come to terms with how a force celibacy might be BAD for the marriage. From where I sit with the tools and skills available to him pre marriage, post marriage, every step along the way to fix, correct or mitigate the damage of his condition ( for lack of a better word ) was having on his wife and marriage for 9 yrs doesn’t get the same voting rights on the new set up. I Guess said another way too fucking bad that he doesn’t want you becoming emotionally involved....like your the psychologist deal. Consequence here....3 yr consequence.

Settling and cobbling: Have you discussed anything along this lines ? How much settling and outsourcing are you willing to do to keep the marriage alive ? You mentioned a once a month hook up with pd escort but for self described “ highly sexual person” what would your preferred amount for sexual contact be ??? Everyday ....3 times a week ??
why settle for paid sex once a month ?? What about fucking some tantric yoga instructor after class 3 times a week ??

I wasnt trying to dismiss your ability to compartmentalize it just seems from the broad general sense women want/ need some emotional connection to be able to have sex. I think that’s why polyamory is more popular with women Or pushed from that side. There’s only been 300 thread on the wife wants an open relationship ie poly and the husband wants something more like swinging with no emotional/ strings attached .
However that said I know a handful of women that were in a heavily male dominated industry that ended up being like the rest of the guys and I know I was guilty of saying more than once “ you really think like a guy“ not sure if they took that as an insult of a compliment to me it was just sort of a fact. I know for a fact they had NO problem sex with whoever was nearest in the moment.

IMO the genie is way way out of the bottle....mourn/ celebrate the loss of the past 9 yrs and start looking to BUILD not settle ...NOT cobble but build a happy and satisfying marriage however that ends up being configured.

I have a couple more but I have meetings so youre going to be spared

good luck

 

[MeeraReed]

I think you shouldn't rule out polyamorous men as potential casual sex partners. There are plenty of poly people who like casual sex in addition to loving relationships. (My partner, for example, would be delighted to provide someone with regularly sexy-masseur services free of charge, LOL).

And lots of poly people are in relationships with asexual partners, so they might understand where you're coming from (perhaps more than swingers, who are unlikely to have an asexual partner maybe?)

At least in my area, I've found that the dating pool of poly men is of a "higher caliber" than the regular mainstream dudes, even when I was just looking for casual sex. Or at least, the poly men are more to my taste. They are generally more intellectual, geekier/nerdier, more feminist, more queer-friendly, better at consent issues, and overall more thoughtful and informed about sexuality and relationships. (But I live near a very poly/liberal East Coast city, so maybe it won't apply elsewhere in the US/world).

However, I did fall in love with my casual sex poly dude and have been in a relationship with him for 9 years, so I did fail at keeping it casual LOL.

Oh, and I was in a similar position as you in my 20s. My boyfriend couldn't have penetrative sex (couldn't maintain an erection) and didn't seem to like any other sexual acts very much. He couldn't articulate why or what he wanted, just kept insisting he was "too inexperienced." I dated him for 4 years. It was very frustrating and puzzling. I definitely relate to your male prostitute fantasies! Man, I just wanted to get laid.

I agree with dingedheart that your husband is putting too much of a burden on you when you've been so patient and he spent so long in denial about what his issue is. It's very heartbreaking that he's spent his whole life feeling he had to "force" himself to have sex, but also, no one could have guessed what was going on in his mind if he refused to explain how he felt.

I don't think he should get to dictate what kind of non-monogamous arrangement you're "allowed" to seek now. If you'd rather have more of a friendship with your sex partner(s), he can learn to deal with that, just like you've learned to deal with his asexuality all these years.

Poly people don't all have to live together. (I don't live with my partner of 9 years). But it's genuinely hard to maintain regular, frequent casual sex--it's unlikely that some sort of feelings wouldn't develop between two people who have good sex with each other regularly. And, trying to find strangers for hookups can get exhausting.

 

[MeeraReed]

Hmm, just realized that what I wrote was contradictory, since I said poly people might be good choices for casual sex, but also that keeping it casual is impossible...so, never mind, I guess!

I will say, it did take over a year of casual sex for me to develop feelings for my partner. And, if either of us had been unavailable or uninterested in a serious relationship, we could probably have either parted amicably, or scaled things back and still had occasional casual sex.

I actually think poly people would be good at respecting the limits on the relationship, managing NRE feelings, and de-esalating as necessary. Sometimes it sounds like swingers claim they won't develop feelings, then immediately leave their marriages for another person in a storm of drama as soon as feelings develop. Which an experienced poly person would be less likely to do.