Ask a triad - advice column

[happytriad]

A husband and wife bring a new woman into their marriage, and they decide they want a closed triad. This means the new woman can be intimate with the husband and (or?) wife, but they do not want the new woman to go out and date outside the couple, nor do they want her to get her own boyfriend outside the couple. Is this an arrangement that could work? How would you advise the couple that had established this rule?

A closed triad can work but only if all members agree to it. It should also be talked about in the beginning of the relationship. I believe that it isn't up to the established couple whether or not the new member can date outside the triad. It has to be something that each person agrees to. The established couple can't tell the person joining that she can't date, just like the person joining the triad can't tell them whether or not to date anyone else. (Well, they can tell them anything they want, but whether or not you SHOULD is another story.)

It's also good to note that this is a fluid thing, like most things in relationships. People change.

For instance, when we all formed a triad, we (all three) decided to be closed, in order to concentrate on strengthening our bond. Plus, no one had the emotional bandwidth to deal with additional relationships. Lovie has no interest in dating other people, and neither does Champ. However, I do. We have discussed this over the past year. Champ and Lovie don't want me to date because they don't think they can handle it emotionally.

Now, we had a few options:
1) I would date without their approval, and risk either one or both of them walking away because they'd expressed they didn't want me to.
2) I drop it forever and don't mention it again.
3) We talk about it periodically and discuss it like adults.

We chose #3. It was not important enough to me to risk hurting either of them. It still isn't. Each time we've talked, they've become more understanding of the reasons I would like the option, and it makes me feel closer, because it allows me to still have the choice of my options.

My advice on how the preexisting couple can establish this rule is: they can't. Everyone can talk about it, but in the end, it's what every individual choses. If the new partner wants to date, they can. It's up to the other two members whether or not they accept it, or want to walk because they can't accept it. And that goes for everyone involved. Triads are complicated. For ours to work, we have found there has to be compromise. The idea of the preestablished couple controlling the new member has to be thrown out the window.

 

[kdt26417]

That sounds right to me.

Okay, how soon (into the poly relationship) should the original couple have the new partner move into their home (so they're all living together)? Should the new partner move into their home at all? How does one decide?

Also, should the new partner combine finances with the original couple? If so, how and when should this be done?

I appreciate your answers to my many questions ... Bear with me, I have quite a few more ...

 

[happytriad]

How soon into the poly relationship should the original couple have the new partner move into their home, so they're all living together? Should the new partner move into their home at all? How does one decide?

This is going to depend on the relationship:

- Is it something that everyone wants? Why or why not?
- What will each individual gain or lose by this?
- What will each dyad gain or lose by this?
- What will the triad gain or lose by this?

We decided that Lovie would move in with us because she was already spending weeks at a time at our house, anyway. Her house was nicer and bigger, but since we had a child involved, everyone decided that not moving him would be the best option.

It's perfectly okay to not all cohabitate, if that is what people involved want.

I will say that moving her in changed things drastically for us. We all seemed to need a good settling-in period, even after she had spent so many nights and days at our house already.

Also, should the new partner combine finances with the original couple? If so, how and when should this be done?

We don't. We don't really feel the need. No real reason why, we just don't. I'd say be very careful if you have a joint account with anyone, whether it's one person or more. You become responsible for the good and bad that is done with the account.

I appreciate your answers to my many questions ... Bear with me, I have quite a few more ...

Ask away. I will never say that I know everything or that the way we do everything is right or the only way, but I have lived through it, we are doing pretty well, and I am happy to share what we have done to make it work.

 

[triadNewbie]

Here is my situation. I'm male, single and a newbie to poly. I'm interested in a FMF triad. What would be the best way to go about this? Should I look for a bi-female couple and start from there? Or find a bi-girl and then find our next person?

I'm interested in being in a committed triad. I would want to have a family with them.

 

[kdt26417]

Not to speak for happytriad, but my opinion is that you'll have better odds if you search for one lady at a time. I doubt there's many bi female couples out there, much less couples made to order for what you're looking for.

 

[kdt26417]

So, happytriad, let's say a married M/F couple decides for the first time that they want to try polyamory and add a woman to their marriage. Where should they search for such a woman? How can they increase their odds of finding her?

 

[happytriad]

Here is my situation. I'm male, single and a newbie to poly. I'm interested in a FMF triad. What would be the best way to go about this? Should I look for a bi-female couple and start from there? Or find a bi-girl and then find our next person? I'm interested in being in a committed triad. I would want to have a family with them.

If you are interested in a FMF triad only, then I would think you would have to either find:

1) A bi-female who is compatible with you and is also interested in this possibility. Build a relationship with her. If it is still something you are looking for, and she is looking for, then decide together to start that possibility. I would suggest letting a triad happen organically, as in, either see if someone else one of you dating might be compatible for a triad relationship, or find someone you both seem to get along with and see if they might be compatible for a triad relationship.

2) A bi-female couple.

I can't really say what would be the best way for you, but I can say that concentrating on building friendships and then opening up the possibility of becoming more would be the way I would go.

We were a V, with Champ in the middle. We decided to try a triad because it's what we wanted. I don't know if we would have worked as well if we wouldn't have built the V first, with me and Lovie becoming friends, then moving forward.

Remember, plans change. People change. Relationships change. Things don't just fit into a box. So remember to be flexible.

 

[happytriad]

Let's say a married M/F couple decides for the first time that they want to try polyamory and add a woman to their marriage. Where should they search for such a woman? How can they increase their odds of finding her?

I can't really say where to start searching from experience, but I would say that going to poly-friendly or sponsored events might be a good option. Online is always an option too, for those inclined.

I would think a way to increase their odds would be to treat everyone with respect and understanding. Do this by actually listening to their wants and needs, wishes, and expectation. Be open-minded. Coming out the gate with a demand list is more than likely going to scare someone off. Why would someone want to start a relationship you if it comes with a two-page list of don'ts?

• Don't sleep with a partner alone.
• The couple has veto power but you don't.
• You must only see us, whether you like it or not.
• We come first. Our relationship comes first.
• Etc.

I'm not saying having rules or boundaries is bad, but if you want someone to join your relationship then they need to be involved with the making of boundaries. Remember that they should have as much say as either one of you, and that they are not your plaything. Here is how I like to think of it-- if I were single, and not with Champ, and I was dating, how would I feel if _____ happened?

Examples: How would I feel if I weren't allowed to have sex with someone, without someone else always being there? --------> I would hate it

How would I feel if I weren't allowed to spend time with the person I am dating without always getting an okay? --------> I would hate it.

How would I like it if someone else made every rule that they expected I follow without even giving me a say? ------------> I would hate it.

Being in a triad or heck, in poly or mono relationships, takes much compromise, especially if it's a cohabitation situation. Don't assume that the new person will be your property or plaything. Treat them how you'd want to be treated.

Also realize that not all three of you will develop romantic feelings at the same rate, or even at all. Be flexible. Give it time. Things might change down the road as you all get to know each other.

 

[happytriad]

My opinion is that you'll have better odds if you search for one lady at a time. I doubt there are many bi female couples out there, much less couples made to order for what you're looking for.

I agree that starting one relationship and seeing if it blooms into both wanting more, and then finding another person, would probably be the easiest route. However, finding three people who are all compatible and want to be romantic with each other is hard. Just think of how many single people you know who are single because they haven't found someone they want to be with on that level. Now multiply that three ways.

 

[kdt26417]

Yeah I agree, the odds of a triad forming are much better if it "accidentally" forms. Deliberately setting out to "build" a triad is just well, a lot harder than most folks may realize.

 

[happytriad]

Setting out to "build" a triad is a lot harder than most folks realize.

I would say there is a lot of truth in this.

 

[kdt26417]

Okay, so let's go back to our couple that's trying polyamory for the first time and just looking for a woman to add to their marriage. Let's suppose they find someone who's perfect in every way ... and then they find out she's pregnant. Crap! That's not what they wanted. Now what? Do they send her away? try to reshape their lives around the pending baby? Where do the couple's needs end, and the new partner's needs begin?

Similarly, let's say they find a perfect woman and she's already got a child. Crap crap crap. Now what.

Or, let's say she's perfect in every way ... but then they find out she's got a boyfriend! Oh no ...

And perhaps worst of all, let's say she's perfect indeed and loves the both of them to pieces. So, they take her into their home ... only to find out, after a few months, that she's not all that into the wife, and is mainly interested in the husband. What can they do now? They wanted a triad, not a V.

 

[happytriad]

Oh wow. Laying on the tough questions now. I'll come back to these tomorrow. It's movie-watching time for the night, and I need to cuddle.

 

[kdt26417]

 

[PinkPig]

Ok, I have a question. How do you handle it if one person really wants to be fully out but at least one does not?

 

[kdt26417]

[stealing happytriad's thunder again]

I'm in a V, but there's something similar afoot in that I'd like us to be out to the world, but my two companions want us to stay in the closet.

In our case, I've agreed to stay in the closet, not so much because I'm outvoted, more because outing ourselves would be opening a can of worms that couldn't be closed. Also because I'm sympathetic about their reasons. I have a somewhat cold attitude towards my own relatives: If they don't like or approve of me, if they want to disown me, that's just fine by me, and if they start giving me shit I'll cut them off so fast it'll make their heads whirl. But my companions deeply value their relationships with immediate family members who almost certainly wouldn't approve of this poly arrangement, and very well might disown them.

My companions are also nervous about losing their jobs. That's somewhat of a separate matter; you can tell your relatives without telling your coworkers. Also I think they're overestimating that risk, especially here in Western Washington, about an hour's drive south of Seattle. But again, since you can out yourself but not un-out yourself ... and besides, they facilitate me living the laziest lifestyle I could ever want, so, I kind of owe them one (or three).

I suppose every V, triad, N, quad, whatever, will have to discuss the "to out or not to out" question, and hopefully come to a mutual conclusion that all three, four, or whatever, can live with.

[/stealing]

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm male, single and a newbie to poly. I'm interested in an FMF triad. What would be the best way to go about this? Should I look for a bi-female couple and start from there? Or find a bi-girl and then find our next person? I'm interested in being in a committed triad. I would want to have a family with them.

My opinion is that you'll have better odds if you search for one lady at a time. I doubt there are many bi female couples out there, much less couples made to order for what you're looking for.

My gf Pixi and I are in a long-term relationship. We live together. We are both bisexual (pansexual, really). We both have different criteria for boyfriends. But at least half the guys I have dated want to get together with Pixi, at least sexually. And they often make that clear from early on. Men are incredibly hot for taking on two women at once!

I find it very annoying, and have to spend time explaining to them why I do. It's so hard to get across to men that we date separately, and I am not going to do anything to hook New Guy up with my gf, for threesome sex or a deeper relationship. That is between the two of them. If he gets to know her as a friend and the stars align, maybe something romantic can come of it. But he would have to approach it like any other new relationship. Just because we live together does not mean we are both fair game for either of our bfs.

 

[happytriad]

Let's go back to our couple that's trying polyamory for the first time and just looking for a woman to add to their marriage. Let's suppose they find someone who's perfect in every way, and then they find out she's pregnant. Crap! That's not what they wanted. Now what? Do they send her away? Try to reshape their lives around the pending baby? Where do the couple's needs end, and the new partner's needs begin?

Similarly, let's say they find a perfect woman and she's already got a child. Crap crap crap. Now what?

Or, let's say she's perfect in every way, but then they find out she's got a boyfriend! Oh no!

And perhaps worst of all, let's say she's perfect indeed and loves the both of them to pieces. So, they take her into their home, only to find out, after a few months, that she's not all that into the wife, and is mainly interested in the husband. What can they do now? They wanted a triad, not a V.

I cannot give an answer to any of these that would fit everyone. My best advice is to talk long and hard with your preexisting partner (or all three if already established a triad) and make your decision. Is it worth it to continue a relationship with the new partner? Is it not? Are these things deal breakers for you? Are they not? What does the new partner expect from both of you with the child? What does the new partner not expect? Will the relationship hurt her chance of retaining custody? Is the relationship worth it?

Sometimes it would be best to stay together and work through it. Sometimes it would be best to walk away. But only you can decide what is best for you.

 

[happytriad]

But he would have to approach it like any other new relationship. Just because we live together does not mean we are both fair game for either of our bfs.

Very true. Each relationship has to form in its own way, whether it means nothing forms at all, or it develops into a sexual relationship.

 

[kdt26417]

Me again ...

Let's say you have a married couple in their mid-30's, very fit and fun-loving, and also engaged in two well-paying careers. They meet a suitable young woman in her early 20's, and invite her into their home and their marriage.

The young woman doesn't have a job, but since the couple has a few kids at home, the young woman acts as a nanny/babysitter. She also takes care of the housework during the day. She cooks and cleans. It's like her agreement with the couple. They pay the bills; she does the work at home.

Does this sound like a fair/equitable arrangement? How would it affect things if, say, the young woman wanted to attend college but didn't have a car?

Alternatively, what if she tends the kids while the couple goes out on evening dates, but the couple sees no need to reciprocate since the young woman only dates them as a couple (and her date nights are usually spent with them at home)?