Ask a triad - advice column

[Inyourendo]

Me again ...

Let's say you have a married couple in their mid-30's, very fit and fun-loving, and also engaged in two well-paying careers. They meet a suitable young woman in her early 20's, and invite her into their home and their marriage.

The young woman doesn't have a job, but since the couple has a few kids at home, the young woman acts as a nanny/babysitter. She also takes care of the housework during the day. She cooks and cleans. It's like her agreement with the couple. They pay the bills; she does the work at home.

Does this sound like a fair/equitable arrangement? How would it affect things if, say, the young woman wanted to attend college but didn't have a car?

Alternatively, what if she tends the kids while the couple goes out on evening dates, but the couple sees no need to reciprocate since the young woman only dates them as a couple (and her date nights are usually spent with them at home)?

Well her contribution to the family is not monetary but she puts in sweat equity. Now if she wanted to go to college she would need to pay for it. She would need a job. And if she needed a car then her income would provide that. If she was no longer acting as the care provider to the home and kids I would expect her to pitch in for part of the bills and food at that point.

As far as dates I would expect that she would get equal dates with both partners as well. Maybe one week gf and wife date, next week wife and husband, next week gf and husband, next week all three. That's only fair imo

 

[Iloveherandhim]

Is it normal?

Hi,

I was in a relationship with Red(bf) for almost 3 years before introducing him to the wife(Green). Granted, not the best way to start things, but I was struggling with being Bi so I was on the dl. Well since coming out, she has accepted me and him as a couple. So I guess at that point we were a V and didn't know it. I just thought it was amazing I had a wife and a bf. Well as time has gone on Green and Red have also become close. At first it was light flirting but then we went the extra mile and had a threesome. Which was awesome for the most part. Things got a bit hairy when Green and Red hooked up without talking to me beforehand. I admit I was angry and felt betrayed. Like I would never do that to them type of feelings. Well since that time the 3 of us have had numerous talks about that situation and more recently Green went to do work in the same state as Ted and they spent 5 days together and got closer.

When she got back I blew up on both of them, and things just weren't great for about a week. We have talked a lot since then and I did a lot of inner searching of why I was so mad. Fast forward to now, and we have all decided to make this work. Red and I are a couple, Green and I are married, and Green and Red are I guess FWB at the moment. They have both expressed that they don't look at each other as in bf/gf. Although Green does like to say she has two husbands lol.

My questions is, is it normal that I still want to go back to the V type relationship where Green and Red are close but not intimate? Or is that some jealousy in me that I need to get over? I enjoy time with all three when we hang out, but the idea of 3somes everytime we are together is draining to me.
I feel like when Red is in town that I should get that alone time with him since I don't see him but a few times a year, but I want all three of us to have a good time as well. But don't want to be rude and tell Green " ok Hun time for you to go" Advice please)). And sorry if I was all over the place.

-Blue

 

[IndieSolo]

It was okay for you to be with Red for three years without Green, and on the sly (basically cheating), and now your undies are in a bunch because Green wants to be with Red without you? Not fair or kind of you to even entertain those kinds of thoughts. Pot, meet kettle.

Yeah, you need to come to terms with your jealousy and selfishness, and deal with the fact that their relationship has developed, just as your relationships with them have developed, and you are not in control of other people.

Besides, why bitch and moan when you have two people in your life who love and care about you, and who also care about each other? Many are not so lucky.

 

[reflections]

You're transitioning into something new. You are grieving the life you used to have when you were a V. It's okay to feel how you're feeling. But feelings are just feelings - how you respond to them is what matters. While you may not want to hear this, if Green and Red are accepting of you being in relationships with others (i.e., each of them), then they deserve the same courtesy in my opinion.

There are lots of resources available (Kevin usually has a good list and I know they've been posted numerous times even recently on other threads) on tackling jealousy. It sounds like working through your jealousy is a good idea (even if Green and Red don't work out, if they ever have other partners in the future). I think you need to be open to the possibility that they may fall in love with each other and that is completely outside of your control, just as it was outside of Green's control that you fell in love with Red.

I'll add that in many triads that I've heard about, sex is not all about threesomes and may even be rare. You can spend time with Green and Red separately, just as they should be allowed to spend time alone without you. Think about how you would want Green to ask you if she needed time alone with Red, and perhaps that will give you insight into how you might ask Green for time with Red alone. But I know this might be overwhelming to think about, but it's not up to you to decide what goes on with Green and Red. That is their relationship.

 

[Iloveherandhim]

I think those are both very good pieces of advice. I definitely don't want to be a hypocrite and try and control what goes on between them. So I won't. I will go with flow.

-Blue

 

[PinkPig]

I think those are both very good pieces of advice. I definitely don't want to be a hypocrite and try and control what goes on between them. So I won't. I will go with flow.

-Blue

Hi, Blue. I think it's natural to feel discomfort and even some grief when our lives change in ways we hadn't desired or imagined. Jealousy, insecurity, all those "negative" feelings aren't really negative. They're just an indicator that something needs tweaking. I agree with reflections. It's not wrong or bad to feel the way we do. It's our actions in response to those feelings that matters. Working on the fear, jealousy, & insecurity will only make your relationships with Red & Green that much better. Eventually, you may even feel compersion instead of jealousy when Red & Green are together.

 

[Len51]

I am in the same thing but I am the male. The two females are bisexual and in love too. We lasted 38 years with no problems, even after our gf got married and started to split her time between us and her husband. We never met anyone in real life with our kind of longevity and have definite ideas of what works and what we have not seen work for our friends. Basically the triads where all were in love with each other, lasted much longer than when two relationships existed within the triad. It also takes the right people. None of us every got jealous. We had sex as a threesome and also one on one for more intimate time. Everyone was welcome to have sex but sometimes one of us was not in the mood so we did not. It never was a problem and no one felt insecure. I went of my way to make both feel desirable and attractive. We tried to be fair with our time. First off we each had our own bedroom so no one slept to someone else. During sex we all took turns being the center of attention and then afterwards there was always one on one time to talk, have sex or whatever was needed.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Blue,

Here's those jealousy links in case it will help:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

How To Contain The Green Monster
Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

As the others have said, there's nothing wrong with feeling this way or that way, but you have to make wise choices about what to do about those feelings. Examining them is probably always a good place to start. What's causing them? There are external causes and internal causes.

I think that you, Red, and Green are moving in the direction of a triad and as such, I suggest you make room in your hearts and lives to develop four different relationships with each other:

• Blue and Red,
• Blue and Green,
• Red and Green,
• Blue, Red, and Green.

Notice the relationship between all three of you is just one of the relationships listed above. There are three dyad relationships (besides that triad relationship), and each dyad (IMO) deserves its own private time and freedom to express itself as it will (yes, even sexually). Don't put a restriction on one dyad if you wouldn't put the same restriction on the other two dyads.

Yes you had a bit of a shock when Red and Green hooked up sexually as a dyad, and I think you're experiencing some shock in general which is manifesting itself as anger. If you can just hang in there and give them some space, I think the shock will wear off. And then the jealousy will probably wear off.

If you think about it, you have a beautiful thing going. Three people who are all intimate with each other. They don't teach us about poly when we're kids, so as adults, we have to do some extra work to figure out how to make it work. Start with patience, patience with yourselves, with each other, and with the learning process. You'll get there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[happytriad]

1st of all. I want to say sorry that I haven't been on much to answer questions. Life has been crazy busy for all of us. Trying to get 2 businesses up and running plus working full time has been leaving hardly any free time.

2nd of all. @kdt26417 you and anyone are invited to post responses here. I don't consider it taking over or anything. The more opinions the better

Ok, I have a question. How do you handle it if one person really wants to be fully out but at least one does not?

We are actually in this situation. Lovie wants to be completely out. Champ is 50/50 and I'm more closeted. The main reason for me is because our kid is not old enough to understand everything and honestly I don't care if everyone and their momma knows. The ones I want to know do. The ones who I don't want to know don't. Before each social event we go to we discuss it. Do we want everyone to know? Do we not? We usually leave it up to the main person's event that it is. If it's Champs friends having a cookout, he gets to decide. If it's Lovies' she gets to decide. If it's an event where we all decide to keep it on the DL for whatever reason, then we don't show affection to a person if the other cannot.

Me again ...

Let's say you have a married couple in their mid-30's, very fit and fun-loving, and also engaged in two well-paying careers. They meet a suitable young woman in her early 20's, and invite her into their home and their marriage.

The young woman doesn't have a job, but since the couple has a few kids at home, the young woman acts as a nanny/babysitter. She also takes care of the housework during the day. She cooks and cleans. It's like her agreement with the couple. They pay the bills; she does the work at home. As long as everyone is ok with this arrangement. I see it as fair. It would be the same as a mono SAHM or SAHD in my opinion

Does this sound like a fair/equitable arrangement? How would it affect things if, say, the young woman wanted to attend college but didn't have a car?If she wanted to attend college then she should be able to. I don't think that the couple would have to buy an additional car for her to drive, unless they wanted to. She could take night classes and one could let her use their car at night. etc. Same as if it were the original couple with a SAH person wanted to start college. There is always room for compromise

Alternatively, what if she tends the kids while the couple goes out on evening dates, but the couple sees no need to reciprocate since the young woman only dates them as a couple (and her date nights are usually spent with them at home)?This is not an arrangement that I would want. I would hate to never have one on one dates with Lovie. And I don't think it would be fair to her.

Since there were so many questions in that I just put my comments above in red.

But for my curiosity:

Have you addressed this in your relationship at this stage yet? Have you found a way so that a concern is approached from a fresh, non-couple centric position in negotiations?I would like to say yes and no. I honestly find myself siding as a couple with Lovie more to be honest. In the beginning I sided with Champ more. He was my husband and I was used to always making decisions with him more. I now find myself having to make sure that I don't go into a convo from a standpoint of a couple with either one of them. It's an odd feeling sometimes. I have to work hard to negotiate as my own person and not as a couple with either of them. For your newbie, do you see one or the other of the original couple siding with you individually on a regular basis as easily as they side with their original partner? Are you comfortable with that? How do you eliminate the tendency to fallback to how things were done before you became a triad when things get tense or break down? Or can you?I will ask her these questions tonight when we all get home.

I actually wonder if couples have a right to exercise privilege and act as a two-person collective if they want to. After all, that's what they've always done in the past (before trying polyamory), and besides, the new partner has perfect freedom to set her own boundaries and walk away if the situation becomes unacceptable ... doesn't she?

What about concerns the original couple may have that their marriage may become threatened/destabilized if they don't present a united front?

This was something that we naturally went into in the beginning. It was something that I had to fight hard against. It was my nature in the beginning. But it is important to note that until our triad I had been strickly monogamous so I had a lot of soul searching to do.

Also, ask - now- about breakups. Can you break up with one and keep going with he other - either one? If they break up, are you free to date them both? We actually just went through this. Lovie and Champ had a horrible argument. It seemed like they were going to break up. Lovie informed Champ that she still wanted to see me. Once everyone made up, we all had to think about what would happen if the triad did break up. It's is still kind of a bumpy road that we haven't completely ironed out to be honest.

Are they up for creating a new entity, not just "adding on" to what they have? It's a completely new entity for us. It also added to mine and Champs relationship. We've never had a better marriage to be honest. Lovie has helped us in so many ways.

It sounds like combining domiciles is something you're not ready for yet, and it may never be the right thing for you. I am sympathetic about needing one's own space and privacy. I am like that myself (in spite of my forum activity). I think you can be a triad even if you have your own place to live, you just have to figure out what works best for the three of you.

My questions is, is it normal that I still want to go back to the V type relationship where Green and Red are close but not intimate? Or is that some jealousy in me that I need to get over? I enjoy time with all three when we hang out, but the idea of 3somes everytime we are together is draining to me.
I feel like when Red is in town that I should get that alone time with him since I don't see him but a few times a year, but I want all three of us to have a good time as well. But don't want to be rude and tell Green " ok Hun time for you to go" Advice please)). And sorry if I was all over the place.

-Blue

I think anytime there is a change in a relationship dynamic it's normal to have some negative feelings and to want to go back to the way things were. It's a scary scary thing to take a risk and have to deal with your feelings. You will have to decide if becoming a V again is something that is important enough to you to risk hurting your other partners and having them possibly leave. My advise is to do some soul searching and make a decision. You might or might not like the outcome but you'll never know unless you try.

 

[kdt26417]

That was a marathon post.

Okay, here's a question from the other side of the coin. A couple adopts a young lady into their home and all seems well at first ... until, the young lady turns out to be a cowgirl. That is, she wants to "lasso the husband out of the poly herd" and have him all to herself.

How can a couple guard against that kind of thing?

 

[happytriad]

For your newbie, do you see one or the other of the original couple siding with you individually on a regular basis as easily as they side with their original partner? Are you comfortable with that? How do you eliminate the tendency to fallback to how things were done before you became a triad when things get tense or break down? Or can you?

hello everyone this is rachel, also referred to lovie by doll
she is much better at this stuff than me lol. but here goes i feel that in the beginning it was hard for me to side with doll because i was more comfortable with champ and didn't have very good communication skills with her or feel that my opinion mattered to be honest, we moved into our relationship pretty quickly so it took me and her alot of time to feel comfortable with each other.as time went on it became alot easier for me to side with her, if i felt i needed too. and same with her for me as far as when things get tense i think that me and doll really try to be the peace makers. for example: if me and champ get into a heated argument doll will tell champ that he was out of line and needs to apologize, or vise versa. as far as going back to how things were before being in a triad doesn't really cross my mind i just try to take it day by day and love them both the best i can i hope this made sense and answered your question, like i said doll is much better at this writing stuff thanks yall!

 

[happytriad]

That was a marathon post.

Okay, here's a question from the other side of the coin. A couple adopts a young lady into their home and all seems well at first ... until, the young lady turns out to be a cowgirl. That is, she wants to "lasso the husband out of the poly herd" and have him all to herself.

How can a couple guard against that kind of thing?

I don't think that there is really guarding yourself from this happening. If you date someone else and they decide they want one of you all to yourself a few things will happen. #1 - you'll go #2 you'll break it off with that person #3 you'll work out a compromise. Opening up your relationship adds a whole different aspect to it. It will either succeed or not.

 

[Iloveherandhim]

Hi Blue,

Here's those jealousy links in case it will help:

Let us discuss the greeneye monster shall we?
How to slay the greeneyed beastie.

How To Contain The Green Monster
Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, Etc.
How do you achieve compersion?

The Theory of Jealousy Management
The Practice of Jealousy Management

Jealousy and the Poly Family
Kathy Labriola: Unmasking the Green-Eyed Monster
Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability

As the others have said, there's nothing wrong with feeling this way or that way, but you have to make wise choices about what to do about those feelings. Examining them is probably always a good place to start. What's causing them? There are external causes and internal causes.

I think that you, Red, and Green are moving in the direction of a triad and as such, I suggest you make room in your hearts and lives to develop four different relationships with each other:

• Blue and Red,
• Blue and Green,
• Red and Green,
• Blue, Red, and Green.

Notice the relationship between all three of you is just one of the relationships listed above. There are three dyad relationships (besides that triad relationship), and each dyad (IMO) deserves its own private time and freedom to express itself as it will (yes, even sexually). Don't put a restriction on one dyad if you wouldn't put the same restriction on the other two dyads.

Yes you had a bit of a shock when Red and Green hooked up sexually as a dyad, and I think you're experiencing some shock in general which is manifesting itself as anger. If you can just hang in there and give them some space, I think the shock will wear off. And then the jealousy will probably wear off.

If you think about it, you have a beautiful thing going. Three people who are all intimate with each other. They don't teach us about poly when we're kids, so as adults, we have to do some extra work to figure out how to make it work. Start with patience, patience with yourselves, with each other, and with the learning process. You'll get there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thanks for the links and advice , really good info. Cheers!!

 

[kdt26417]

No problem Blue.

Okay, latest question/s for happytriad. What if there are kids involved and opinions differ on how discipline and stuff should be handled? What are the pros and cons to raising kids in a poly household?

Suppose one of the kids is a teen, and finds it terribly embarrassing to let their friends and teachers and whatnot find out that their parents are poly? At what point does the child's say in the matter end and the parents' say begin?

Should the "newer partner" in the triad be treated as a third parent? How do you determine that?

Not exactly specifically triad-related questions but just wondering what your opinion is.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[happytriad]

Hello guys. Long time no see. Sorry I haven't been on. I've been out of sorts emotionally because Lovie went away to school for a bit and I've missed her terribly. Didn't feel like I could offer good advice at the time, but I'm feeling better emotionally so I came back on.

Okay, latest question/s for happytriad. What if there are kids involved and opinions differ on how discipline and stuff should be handled? What are the pros and cons to raising kids in a poly household?

We do have 1 kid involved. He's almost 7 and he doesn't think anything is different about our family. When Lovie wasn't a live in partner, she didn't really discipline him. She would get onto him if he was doing something wrong, but would leave all of the actual disciplining up to us. She would let us know if there was a concern, and Champ and I (his biological parents) would decide the course of action to take. But once she because a live in partner, she gradually took on more and more of a parenting role.

Pros for us:

• Lovie doesn't want kids of her own so she gets to still be a parent without having to go through the actual process of becoming a biological one.
• We have another set of hands and eyes to keep a look out on him.
• If Peanut is sick or has a doctors appointment or field trip, etc there is almost always someone that can stay home from work and care for him.
• It's easier to have date nights and alone time because we have a babysitter. If Champ and Lovie want to go out, I keep Peanut. If Lovie and I want to go out, Champ keeps Peanut, etc

Pros for Peanut:

• He gets three people to love and care for him.
• He always has someone there
• He has someone else to go to if he needs something.
• He has even more of a cheer section at games, etc.

Cons for Us:

We are not completely open about our relationship dymanic with Peanut because we don't think that he is ready to fully understand so this makes certain things harder, especially since Lovie lives with us.

• Sleeping arrangements. We've never told him that we all three sleep together, but we always have to make sure that the door is locked.
• We aren't all intimate with each other (like kiss goodbye, hug, snuggle, etc) when Peanut is around.
• Someday we will have to explain our dynamic to him, and it scares us (especially me) that he will be picked on, etc for having a "different family"
• One day Lovie might want a child of her own, or I might decide I'd like to have another and that would take a lot of comprimise and internal reflecting from all of us.
• You can't always focus on your relationship becuase the kid has to have first priority
• Lovie was just kind of thrown into the mix and had to take on a child that she didn't have to be responsible for.
• We are a closed triad, but if we ever did open up, every one of us would have to decide if and when a new partner would meet Peanut
• We stay in the closet more because we have a kid. He is our top priority and don't want social services showing up, etc

But honestly. The same struggles we have as a triad is the same kind of things that parents that divorce and date or remarry go through. The main difference is that the child(ren) don't have to go through parents not being civil with each other.

Suppose one of the kids is a teen, and finds it terribly embarrassing to let their friends and teachers and whatnot find out that their parents are poly? At what point does the child's say in the matter end and the parents' say begin?

We haven't hit this stage yet, but we've talked about it. Peanut will have a say in how we behave around others because he didn't ask for this family dynamic we chose it for him. This will be only to a degree though. We don't want him ashamed of our love, and will discuss why we chose this when the time comes.

Should the "newer partner" in the triad be treated as a third parent? How do you determine that?

For us, it just happened. IDK if it should have or not, but it did. The main reason was that Lovie moved in with us. If I were mono and dating someone I would allow them to become a parent to whatever degree that they felt comfortable if I felt that it was going to be a long term thing, so being poly wasn't any different in my case.

Not every new partner wants to be a parent though, and that would have been ok. I would have let that same scenario play out if that is what Lovie wanted.

 

[kdt26417]

Thanks for your new post, it sounds like you're doing pretty well with the child so far.

It looks like your official names/nicknames are:

• Lovie (F),
• Champ (husband),
• Doll (wife), and
• Peanut (7yo son).

Is that correct?

My question today is semantic, I am just wondering what your opinion is, or what if anything you had heard. What do you know about the word "unicorn?" I've been hearing some conflicting information. Some say a unicorn is any woman who is romantically involved with both members of an M/F couple (such as a married couple). Others say it would take much, much more than that to constitute a unicorn.

How do you define the word? Would you consider Lovie to be "your unicorn?"

 

[happytriad]

Thanks for your new post, it sounds like you're doing pretty well with the child so far.

It looks like your official names/nicknames are:

• Lovie (F),
• Champ (husband),
• Doll (wife), and
• Peanut (7yo son).

Is that correct?

Yes, that is correct except Peanut is almost 7 but that's close enough. I hope the logo in my signature isn't too big or small. I designed it a couple of weekends ago when I started our blog.

My question today is semantic, I am just wondering what your opinion is, or what if anything you had heard. What do you know about the word "unicorn?" I've been hearing some conflicting information. Some say a unicorn is any woman who is romantically involved with both members of an M/F couple (such as a married couple). Others say it would take much, much more than that to constitute a unicorn.

How do you define the word? Would you consider Lovie to be "your unicorn?"

Well, we do consider Lovie to be our unicorn based on the definition of a unicorn being a bisexual woman involved with an already established couple http://www.unicorns-r-us.com. BUT most people don't like that word because it has a bad rep in the poly community. But Lovie does refer to herself as our unicorn so that's the main reason we refer to her as that. If she didn't call herself that, we wouldn't call her that.

Basically the term unicorn that I've seen most people call is a derogatory term for a bisexual female who joins a couple and doesn't see anyone else, and doesn't have a say.

I guess it's like anything else, and just your interpretation of it.

And BTW I made this shirt with Lovie in mind to show that being called a unicorn isn't always a bad thing.

 

[kdt26417]

Re:

"I hope the logo in my signature isn't too big or small."

Heh, it's a little small. I don't know if you could upload a larger version? One the mods or admins could maybe help if needed.

Re: http://www.unicorns-r-us.com/ ... excellent site, I've saved it in my favorites. And that's a fun shirt.

People say that being in a triad is hard, that it seldom works. Is that true? Do you find that your triad is hard to keep together? What are your biggest challenges? Rewards? What (if anything) makes it easy?

I know, I'm always asking questions ... but I truly believe people will be helped by your answers.

 

[IndieSolo]

Basically the term unicorn that I've seen most people call is a derogatory term for a bisexual female who joins a couple and doesn't see anyone else, and doesn't have a say.

You don't have it quite right. The word unicorn, in polyamory, is used as an insult toward the couple, not the woman! Historically, the terms "chasing unicorns" or "hunting unicorns" have always meant "seeking the impossible" (in literature, poetry, and everyday non-poly parlance) because unicorns are mythical creatures that do not exist in real life.

Therefore, when certain married couples started coming into poly communities, often from a swinging background, and were only looking for the stereotypical "hot bi babe" as an "add-on" or enhancement to the couple's relationship -- someone who would be unattached to anyone else, attracted to both husband and wife equally, either having to love both equally or not let emotions develop at all, and required to have sex with both of them in threesomes only, to be faithful to the couple from the start, and accepting that her schedule and needs come second after theirs -- quite often moving her in to their home before they really knew her (because a live-in sex toy who is dependent upon the couple is so-o-oooo much more convenient than an independent woman who lives on her own -- and, of course, it's all about what's convenient for the couple) while not being "allowed" to get pregnant, openly show affection with either of them nor reveal her status as their "third" in public or when their relatives are present, nor to have any expectations of privacy in her communications with either of them... well, obviously the old, established term "hunting unicorns" was brought to mind and used as a criticism of the unrealistic impossibility of what these folks were seeking. Telling people like that, that they are looking for a unicorn, is simply a way of telling them that what they want is ridiculous and ain't gonna happen.

Calling bisexual women, who happen to be involved with a couple, unicorns just isn't correct usage of the term, since unicorns are imaginary things. Of course, there are some instances where three people can successfully develop and maintain a relationship together, but that doesn't mean any of them are necessarily unicorn hunters or unicorns. It's the list of impossible demands that a couple requires that prompts others to call them uniicorn hunters.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

I actually wonder if couples have a right to exercise privilege and act as a two-person collective if they want to. After all, that's what they've always done in the past (before trying polyamory), and besides, the new partner has perfect freedom to set her own boundaries and walk away if the situation becomes unacceptable ... doesn't she?

We are not a triad, but a V, but we have talked this over. We have decided that NO, the original couple does not have any specific rights. The original couple can not veto the new person (we could in the beginning, but not anymore) or veto any type of anything.

There are the plans that the original couple made, for instance we planned to have a child. Boyfriend says he is not opposed to that, and rather would want to see me pregnant, have a child etc. but he is uncertain if he wants to be the biodad and wants to have an active father role. For this reason (and because right now all money goes to visits), we have decided to postphone any decitions on kids because we want ALL members of the V to be on board when things happen. It is important that he understand that even if he should choose to not be a dad, the relationship will be changed with a kid in the picture. It is simply not possible, bodily, practically, economically, sexually to say that I will conceive, be pregnant and have a kid with my husband and not him. My dream scenario is one where we equally raise kids together. I have gay friends who raise their kids as three parents, it seems doable. But their dreams are important too. My husband has slowly opened up to the possability of N co-parenting our future child. N is slowly growing into the image of him being a dad, and with more and more of his friends becoming fathers it is a real possability that he would want it as well (he really engages in the subject).

So, that points to that the new person is just as responsible for the relationship and the current and futures happiness of the involved parties as the original couple is. It can be tempting for the new person to say, well you decide things and I will just sort of tag along, but that would be treating new person as a child. We are three people in this relationship and three people who call the shots.