happytriad
New member
Very true
Ask a triad - advice column
- Thread starter happytriad
- Start date
Very true
happytriad
New member
Man, man, life has been a beast lately. I haven't been checking in lately, but I'm hoping to change that.
Asideofcougar
New member
Triad Curious
I am currently married and am interested in a triad relationship between my husband and girlfriend. Of course myself and my husband are open to it and she is curious and has concerns about jealously and long term. Do u know where I can find info about triad relationships. I have tried to look online and I haven't found much, there is allot more on poly then triad. Thanks for any help you can offer.
I am currently married and am interested in a triad relationship between my husband and girlfriend. Of course myself and my husband are open to it and she is curious and has concerns about jealously and long term. Do u know where I can find info about triad relationships. I have tried to look online and I haven't found much, there is allot more on poly then triad. Thanks for any help you can offer.
Hi Asideofcougar,
There's a ton of threads on the topic of triads on this forum, try a tag search for "triad," you'll find a lot of stuff.
Much of what you'll find will be warnings against becoming a "unicorn hunter." What is a unicorn hunter?
So, somebody called you a Unicorn Hunter?
Read that article, it gives a lot of good information.
Also you can always return to this thread here and ask additional questions (or raise concerns as needed). Good luck, and good love.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
There's a ton of threads on the topic of triads on this forum, try a tag search for "triad," you'll find a lot of stuff.
Much of what you'll find will be warnings against becoming a "unicorn hunter." What is a unicorn hunter?
So, somebody called you a Unicorn Hunter?
Read that article, it gives a lot of good information.
Also you can always return to this thread here and ask additional questions (or raise concerns as needed). Good luck, and good love.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
PeaceNlove
New member
New to Poly and love your advice
So I am pretty new to poly. I have posted about my relationships Here
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=78013
I came across your post and well I feel like you are the perfect person to ask advice from!
A couple of weeks ago we decided to try again at moving forward sexually. This time it did NOT go as well as the first time. DH was no offence but a typical guy. He has never ever been in a 3sum and ofcourse this was his dreams come true. He was super into it this time and kind of .. ran with it... I felt like he just couldnt wait to get his hands on her and everything just got very overwhelming for me and I had to stop things as I could not get in to it. So my question is .. Is this feeling normal? Will it pass or is it a sign that poly is not for me? Once I calmed down I was fine. The kissing and flirting and texting .. none of that bothered me. But once they started having actual sex I just felt like I could have left the room and they wouldnt have noticed. Again I realize that I should have expected it. From his point of view I can see how he would get caught up in rush of it all and they both did very good at understanding and agreed in slowing down on moving forward with the all involved sex.
So I am pretty new to poly. I have posted about my relationships Here
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=78013
I came across your post and well I feel like you are the perfect person to ask advice from!
A couple of weeks ago we decided to try again at moving forward sexually. This time it did NOT go as well as the first time. DH was no offence but a typical guy. He has never ever been in a 3sum and ofcourse this was his dreams come true. He was super into it this time and kind of .. ran with it... I felt like he just couldnt wait to get his hands on her and everything just got very overwhelming for me and I had to stop things as I could not get in to it. So my question is .. Is this feeling normal? Will it pass or is it a sign that poly is not for me? Once I calmed down I was fine. The kissing and flirting and texting .. none of that bothered me. But once they started having actual sex I just felt like I could have left the room and they wouldnt have noticed. Again I realize that I should have expected it. From his point of view I can see how he would get caught up in rush of it all and they both did very good at understanding and agreed in slowing down on moving forward with the all involved sex.
Maybe the three of you could sit down and have a talk about how each of you would like things to go during a threesome? That way you won't be blindsided by what happens next time.
I don't know if this matters, but polyamory isn't the same thing as having threesomes. So even if the threesomes don't work out for you, that doesn't mean that polyamory is not for you.
I don't know if this matters, but polyamory isn't the same thing as having threesomes. So even if the threesomes don't work out for you, that doesn't mean that polyamory is not for you.
IMO, it takes skill and practice to please 2 women at once. And I have had threesomes with 2 of different bfs of mine, where he was so excited to have another "strange" woman in the mix, he'd semi ignore me to focus on the one he was unfamiliar with. It hurt me emotionally and left me sexually frustrated.
With one of my bfs, we tried threesomes several times and he did that every time. Finally I requested he and she just go for it one on one, and I'd leave the room, or the house. One time we tried where he and she would get started, get some jollies, and then I'd join in for my turn, with her or him, kind of alternately. It's a learned skill, threesomes. Some people do get good at it, I guess. But it takes a degree of learning how to share, and go back and forth between all 3 partners, so no one feels left out during, or left frustrated when it is over.
With one of my bfs, we tried threesomes several times and he did that every time. Finally I requested he and she just go for it one on one, and I'd leave the room, or the house. One time we tried where he and she would get started, get some jollies, and then I'd join in for my turn, with her or him, kind of alternately. It's a learned skill, threesomes. Some people do get good at it, I guess. But it takes a degree of learning how to share, and go back and forth between all 3 partners, so no one feels left out during, or left frustrated when it is over.
Ravenscroft
Banned
Here's a question that I've actualy gotten a few times, with no easy reply.
At what point should a polyfidelitous group buy a house together?
To me, this seems a necessity, otherwise you're dragging that anchor of "married couple + friends" rather than a group marriage. A friend has none of the benefits of being an owner OR being a tenant, after all, & no real say in usage of the space except what's granted by those whose names are on the paperwork. New digs would quickly fix most of that drastic imbalance.
And even if purchase has to be put off for a few years, certainly everyone could give up their current housing & find something rentable.
At what point should a polyfidelitous group buy a house together?
To me, this seems a necessity, otherwise you're dragging that anchor of "married couple + friends" rather than a group marriage. A friend has none of the benefits of being an owner OR being a tenant, after all, & no real say in usage of the space except what's granted by those whose names are on the paperwork. New digs would quickly fix most of that drastic imbalance.
And even if purchase has to be put off for a few years, certainly everyone could give up their current housing & find something rentable.
Polyfidelitous doesn't necessarily equal group marriage. For some, it just means you're in a poly grouping where no one is taking on additional partners outside the group.
Even if you do want to consider it a "group marriage," why does cohabitation necessarily have to be a thing? You mention the "anchor of married couple + friends"... but who's thinking that's an anchor? Who's looking at it that way?
A lot of polyamorous folks aren't "out," so even if they were living in a group situation, they wouldn't necessarily be able to claim all of their partners *as* partners. They still might have to appear to be a married couple plus friends. But aside from that... as long as everyone who's *actually involved* in the situation knows what the situation is, who cares what anyone on the outside thinks?
Even if you do want to consider it a "group marriage," why does cohabitation necessarily have to be a thing? You mention the "anchor of married couple + friends"... but who's thinking that's an anchor? Who's looking at it that way?
A lot of polyamorous folks aren't "out," so even if they were living in a group situation, they wouldn't necessarily be able to claim all of their partners *as* partners. They still might have to appear to be a married couple plus friends. But aside from that... as long as everyone who's *actually involved* in the situation knows what the situation is, who cares what anyone on the outside thinks?
I wanted to reply to the threesome thing.
I've had some great threesomes, and I think it came down to the people. We were all interested in the other's pleasure and the other's security. Sure there were moments when two people got into eachother - and the third enjoyed the energy and seeing the beauty of a different energy up close. But in general, either the third was looking to augment the pleasure of the two going at it, or one or more of the two was looking to make sure the third felt included.
Having said that, your post did make me think that it's possible my girlfriend felt that way when our boyfriend (and her long-time partner) concentrated on me in our first threesome. And I've never been the one to bring two of my partners together. So I think it may be a common set of feelings first time.
My suggestion: learn from this if there are insecurities you need to address first. Talk about your insecurities. (Another girlfriend's long-term lover deals with her insecurities in group sex by taking care of her so well she is in a blissed out state before moving on.) Talk openly with all members about what you might need. And if it's not for you, that's okay.
I've had some great threesomes, and I think it came down to the people. We were all interested in the other's pleasure and the other's security. Sure there were moments when two people got into eachother - and the third enjoyed the energy and seeing the beauty of a different energy up close. But in general, either the third was looking to augment the pleasure of the two going at it, or one or more of the two was looking to make sure the third felt included.
Having said that, your post did make me think that it's possible my girlfriend felt that way when our boyfriend (and her long-time partner) concentrated on me in our first threesome. And I've never been the one to bring two of my partners together. So I think it may be a common set of feelings first time.
My suggestion: learn from this if there are insecurities you need to address first. Talk about your insecurities. (Another girlfriend's long-term lover deals with her insecurities in group sex by taking care of her so well she is in a blissed out state before moving on.) Talk openly with all members about what you might need. And if it's not for you, that's okay.
She's only posted once since last June, to say her life has been "a beast." So I am guessing she's done. I wonder if her happy triad is no longer quite so happy. But it could be something else...
Ravenscroft
Banned
You seem to be committing the classic conflation of "polyfidelitous <=> polyamorous", which unnecessarily compllicates the question.
Call it a prejudice: the vast majority of polyfi people I've met in 30 years have been of the "let's all have one big bed" variety. Therefore, asking how the niggly little governmental bits are arranged (which I -- do-- get quizzed about) seemed reasonable.
...unless, of course, you can add something substantial.
What does<=> mean?
It seems more poly fi people that post here all have their own rooms. Some people get uncomfortable physically or emotionally always sharing a bed with 2 others. Some poly fi people have 2 houses and the hinge travels between. Many make sure to each have their own room if they house share.
...unless, of course, you can add something substantial.
What was "insubstantial" about KC's post? I am more confused by yours.
Dagferi
Well-known member
You seem to be committing the classic conflation of "polyfidelitous <=> polyamorous", which unnecessarily compllicates the question.
Call it a prejudice: the vast majority of polyfi people I've met in 30 years have been of the "let's all have one big bed" variety. Therefore, asking how the niggly little governmental bits are arranged (which I -- do-- get quizzed about) seemed reasonable.
...unless, of course, you can add something substantial.
Who made you the master of all things poly?
The majority of the polyfi people I know aren't let's all have one big bed variety. They are either like me and travel between their partners homes. Or everyone has separate space within a shared home.
Ravenscroft
Banned
Yah, "more-or-less equal." Apologies for complexity.
Again, not generally IME/IMO, but I really don't get that same clear impression for the people who post here. (Maybe there's some Fact Sheet I've overlooked.
)Questionable factoids & contentious questions with no risky input:
My question was premised on moving in already having become A Thing.
*>sigh<*
In a vee/triad, particularly among people new to the concepts, it readily becomes a "plus one" situation rather than three individuals actually making substantive long-term plans....which seems (IMO) to fly against many of the posts on this site.
"If nobody involved complains about abuse, it's not really abusive."
Seems premised on all three being similarly empowered with resources, experience, support, & emotional stability -- bit of "clap for Tinkerbell," right?As some very wise (IMO) person once said,
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JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
I don't see that KC's comment (mis-attributed in your post to Mags) flies in the face of "many" posts on this site. Me, MrS, and Dude co-habitate, but we are NOT out to the majority of people so we DO appear as "married couple plus friend" to those not "in the know". Dude is our "roommate" in those cases - which many people find strange enough!
Also, cohabitation =/= (does not equal) polyfi - we live together as a "chosen family," but are all free to explore other relationships as we desire.
People tend to make assumptions that re-enforce the ideas that they already have...