Ask a triad - advice column

Awwww, sorry, Rocket. :( I did read the message you sent. I seem to have gotten your nose out of joint for some reason. Hang in there, big fella. :)
 
Jealous (?) wife in a very new closed triad (for Doll)

Hi. I don't even know where to begin. My husband and I are together 11 years, married 10. We've always been open, but he's been more active than I have. About a year ago he told me his needs changed, that he needs to feel a connection to a third and not just random flings. He said he wanted us to have a gf. I'm bi, so I thought it would be a great idea. Until he met someone.

They fell in love really quickly and it hurts my heart to see him look at her. I've read about the honeymoon stage, and I get it, but it still hurts. I've told him and he wanted to end it. I see how happy he is and I don't necessarily want to end it, but damn, why is it moving so quick?

My husband and I have been planning on buying a house in the next 2 years and moving to another state. He's told her about it and she's all for it. He's telling her all about our plans and how she won't have to work, etc. That was my future. My house.

I think about this like, how would we afford a third person? Especially as far as medical coverage and real life things like that. I'll never have my husband all to myself again. Now after only a couple months, she's earned what I have after 11 years? She's cool and we have a lot in common but I feel like those 2 would get married if I wasn't already his wife.

He and I fell in love quickly and were married after only 7 months. He's my best friend. My rock. It didn't even occur to me that he would/could fall in love with someone else, let alone so fast. I thought our initial connection was special. Now I feel like our future is sealed and I have to catch up in the relationship because they're so far ahead.

All this pressure is making me very stand-offish and they both pick up on it. My husband gets upset because after all these years of looking, she's "perfect for us." He reminds me how I won't be alone in the new house while he's at work (90 minute commute minimum), but I like being alone and I don't need a friend. He keeps pointing out how similar we are. Quite frankly, it's freaky how much she and I have in common. I can't just enjoy and let it happen.

And because they know I'm not ready to witness their love, she will wait until I leave the room to shower or whatnot, and then go over and be lovey dovey with him, which hurts too because he feels like they're being sneaky. I know this isn't the case, but my head and my heart are not on the same page. I'm an emotional wreck trying to deal with this on my own. If this is going to be a thing, I suppose she's a good match. If it doesn't work out he'll end up looking for someone else. But how do I get past this?
 
You do not have to live with someone for them to be part of your polycule, whether she's your partner or not. I think that for your own sanity, you need to tell everyone to slow down and stop assuming that you all will live together. You may eventually get to a point where you want to do that, but maybe not. But feeling like it's being pushed on you is a sure way to make you definitely reject the idea.
 
Sex first

I feel like I'm more monogamous, but I'm with a man who is dating another woman and has sex with whoever he wants. Can anyone help me deal with the pain I feel that he chose her to drop him off and pick him up at the airport? I'm really upset I have to be second. I can't see him until the day after he gets back and I have to have the second sex. I really want the first return from vacation sex. It's the best
 
Hi Violet77,

I know what you mean, it sucks to be the second person rather than the first. I think you need to have a talk with him, and ask him why you can't be the first. Do not let him use NRE as an excuse. You have rights in this relationship. I'm sorry you are hurting, he is not being fair to you.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Violet77 said:
I feel like I'm more monogamous, but I'm with a man who is dating another woman, and has sex with whoever he wants.

Can anyone help me deal with the pain? I feel that he chose her to drop him off and pick him up at the airport, and I'm really upset I have to be second. I can't see him until the day after he gets back, and I have to have the second sex. I really want the first return from vacation sex. It's the best.
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kdt26417 said:
I know what you mean. It sucks to be the second person rather than the first. I think you need to have a talk with him, and ask him why you can't be the first. Do not let him use NRE as an excuse. You have rights in this relationship. I'm sorry you are hurting. He is not being fair to you.
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We learned from your other thread that this guy has been seeing the other woman 3 years, and Violet only 8 months. So, maybe he's just used to doing the airport thing with his longer-term lover.

If Violet wants more engagement and non-sexual intimacy, such as doing airport runs, she needs to speak up and tell him. He can't read her mind.

If she wants the "just got home from a trip" sex, she needs to speak up too. Maybe the bf doesn't even know that's something she would like.

Learning how to schedule and meet the needs of 2 partners as the "hinge in a V" is the responsibility of the poly boyfriend. But he can't meet Violet's needs unless she tells him what they are.

And Violet, if you don't like dating a poly man, but on the other hand, you really care for him and are sexually attracted to him, that's a hard thing, but it's something you chose. Why do you feel you've decided to engage with a poly man, who isn't as available to you as you'd like? You have the freedom to choose a partner who has more time for you. Your choice.
 
Iloveherandhim said:
I was in a relationship with Red(bf) for almost 3 years before introducing him to the wife (Green). Granted, not the best way to start things, but I was struggling with being bi, so I was on the DL. Well, since coming out, she has accepted me and him as a couple. I guess at that point we were a V and didn't know it. I just thought it was amazing I had a wife and a bf.As time has gone on, Green and Red have also become close. At first it was light flirting, but then we went the extra mile and had a threesome, which was awesome, for the most part. Things got a bit hairy when Green and Red hooked up without talking to me beforehand. I admit I was angry and felt betrayed. Like "I would never do that to them" type of feelings. Since that time, the 3 of us have had numerous talks about that situation. More recently, Green went to do work in the same state as Ted. They spent 5 days together and got closer.

When she got back, I blew up on both of them, and things just weren't great for about a week. We have talked a lot since then. I did a lot of inner searching of why I was so mad. Fast forward to now, and we have all decided to make this work. Red and I are a couple, Green and I are married, and Green and Red are, I guess, FWB at the moment. They have both expressed that they don't look at each other as in bf/gf, although Green does like to say she has two husbands. lol.

My questions is, is it normal that I still want to go back to the V-type relationship where Green and Red are close but not intimate? Or is that some jealousy in me that I need to get over? I enjoy time with all three when we hang out, but the idea of 3somes every time we are together is draining to me. I feel like when Red is in town, that I should get that alone time with him, since I don't see him but a few times a year. I want all three of us to have a good time, as well. But don't want to be rude and tell Green "Okay, hun, time for you to go" Advice, please.

-Blue
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Hi. I know I am late to the party on this, but I just wanted to say that this is so reminiscent of my situation. Your post could have been written by my wife a few months ago!!

I hope it all worked out well for you and your partners. Maybe I'll find out later on in the thread. :)
 
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