This is just fucking tragic. So this guy has been as honest as I would expect someone to be about their shitty past dating experience, he's been ganged up on by all of his "friends" about his shitty past dating experience, and his current "friend" reads through his journal looking for confirmation about his shitty past dating experiences.
Break up with this guy. Learn to be an individual. Take responsibility for your own feelings. Get therapy.
This is my advice.
Most of your advice is spot on and welcome, even the bits that sting a bit. The tingle means it's working, right? I don't plan to break up with this guy. My post here is a snapshot of my worst self, not the self which is a healthy grounded individual always striving for improvement. As of this month, I finally have access to therapy again, after losing my health insurance earlier in the year. I posted here in lieu of access to a counselor, as I didn't wish to share his personal business with our mutual friends or my family.
I'd like to offer some more background, to better explain this sequence of events. This is not done to justify my violation of his privacy - which wasn't justified - but to give context.
I knew about his many recent lovers, because he'd been up front with me about them. He turned down six booty calls from six different lovers in the first two weeks of our relationship. He's hot & in demand!
I hadn't (and wouldn't have) asked for that information; he was telling me in the interest of open communication. I finally told him it wasn't my business, and I'd prefer not to be informed unless it affected our relationship agreements. He committed early on - it was his enthusiastic suggestion, and he fell hard and fast. I was smitten, but a slower starter.
The history of lying & cheating wasn't so easily shared. One might argue that it's none of my business, either, as long as it didn't affect our relationship. But, as Utah Phillips says, "the past didn't go anywhere."
When you've abused the trust of a lot of the women in a social circle you're still an active part of, those women talk to each other. I don't necessarily view that as bitchy gossip. It wasn't until his former lover pulled me aside that I had the full story; most of the disclosure on his end happened AFTER the fact. (His apology to her took place after her disclosure, as well.) I both appreciated the warning - "I haven't seen you around much, and I'm not sure what you know about this guy, but here's how he treats women" - and understood that I was having a different experience.
The second woman had been physically abused by her ex-partner (Peter's ex-best friend), and chose to place a lot of that on Peter's shoulders. She felt he'd known about the abuse & chose not to support her when she reached out for help. I'd never met her before. I offered her snacks at a gathering, and she grabbed me and told me her story. Again, it didn't fit with MY experience, but I was rattled by being warned off by two separate women. I err on the side of believing abuse survivors.
In both cases, the women were drunk. A lot of these social gatherings tended toward dumb high school-style shenanigans. The ex-lover seemed to be unstable as well as an alcoholic (I'd briefly met her before, and never had positive interactions). This is when I started to question Peter's judgment about choosing friends & lovers. I started to doubt the validity of the good experiences we'd been sharing. If we'd gotten to know each other in the context of bike punk blackout drinking, there would have been no relationship. (I'm forty! I want a couple of drinks, silly fun, have sex, sleep at a decent hour, wake up & tend to the garden. I have other shit to do!) But we'd been together for a while at that point, and we'd shared enough positive experiences for me to feel torn.
My question to our mutual friend, "Beltane," came from my desire to hear good stuff about Peter. I wanted a counterbalance to the vitriol & hurt that had been shared with me. I didn't know that Peter & Beltane had a past sexual connection, and was disappointed to hear that it was also laced with mistrust. Her accounting was matter-of-fact, not related with ill will, though she'd witnessed his shitty behavior toward others, and confirmed the stories I'd heard. THAT'S when I violated his privacy.
Again, it shows a weakness in self. I was seeking information that would help me come to a decision, instead of trusting what I knew and felt. As you can read in my first post, the only result was that I eroded trust & made myself miserable. I know myself; I know this was a one-off event. I'm ashamed of my behavior.
...what this guy seems to be trying to do is let you in. He's opening himself up and giving you the opportunity to decide if you are with him or against him.
What was it you needed to get from him?
Keep in mind that this person is under no obligation to delve even further into vulnerability than they already have.
Marcus, here's where your advice resonates most. This is where I had a blind spot. Thank you for the insight!
My experience with my ex-partner, "Beast," left me incredibly wary of unexamined past behaviors and limited coping mechanisms. Beast had a history of walking away from happy, stable relationships (and committing to the toxic ones). I was assured this could never happen again. He loved me, let's make babies, get married, raise his children together, right until the day he left, moved out of state, and cut off all communication for five years.
I know that shit wasn't about me. I couldn't have changed or affected it. More than six years on, he's still stuck in that pattern. But I was the one who chose to partner with him, knowing his past (my former pattern was to stay in untenable situations past their sell-by date). I feel happy & comfortable being alone - I don't "need" a partner to validate or "complete" me. Every intimate association with another person brings risk of hurt. I'm not afraid of being vulnerable. I AM afraid of ignoring red flags & putting myself in a bad situation.
When I spoke with Peter last night, I owned my violation of trust and assured him it wouldn't happen again, that I would end the relationship if I couldn't quell my fears, that I understood if he chose not to engage further. He was disappointed, but compassionate. I realized that, by not telling him, I was robbing him of the opportunity to make his own decisions. Despite this story, I tend toward stability & calm. I'm used to having relationships in which each partner has a full & separate life & acts with autonomy, in which the decision to be together is a daily choice - a "joyous yes." My worries were shrinking my life, and his, by proxy.
You brought up vulnerability and hurt. I'd been providing a safe place for him to share everything BUT this topic. His honesty and openness with me is a gift that deserves to be honored. I hadn't realized how much I'd been hurting him, and apologized for it. He'd been quietly laboring to prove himself to me, and I'd been "dissecting" him to understand his motivations, acting as a parole officer. Not a desirable dynamic! He asked that I trust in what we do share, and "just let me love you." I promised to address only current issues, and not shackle them to his former self. It feels as though our conversation freed something that had been stuck.
So, as GalaGirl says, I will choose to relax, leave the past in the past, and focus on building trust in the present. If my worst fears come to pass, then: they do. Constantly worrying about what might be will only destroy the good stuff we could be sharing in the present.
Thank you all for the advice and perspective.