Asking for guidance - experiencing love with other than my fiance

[Solina]

Hey everyone!

I am new to this channel. Wanted to find people to discuss with openly.

I am in a monogamous relationship. I love my man. We live together and want to have children soon - expanding it.

But after one year of being together I'm already sure: I am not happy and satisfied with him alone. I have other needs and enjoy energetic meetings with other people. Especially one other man calls me big time.

I would be super happy sharing my sexuality and energy with him too. I would be super happy to have more open relationship - that we could welcome more people in our family.

But my fiance is more strict. He doesnt feel good even talking about the topic. I wish I could find a way I could explain him that even if I share highly spiritual loving energetic sexual moments with someone else too, it doesnt take the love that I have with him away - but staying stable and denying these energies make me feel depressed.

I feel that Im under a global pressure of woman being owned by a good man. He is a good man, I dont want to end the relationship - but Im suppressing my feelings and dont live fully with him alone. And to add, I am not jealous of him anymore. In fact I really do hope - and Ive said it aloud - he could share time and sex and fun with someone else too so that I didnt have pressure to fulfill all his needs.

Ok I think it must be clear now what Im asking you .. do you have any tips how to get the conversation started, how to move on to live more freely? How to open up the conversation with someone who you love but who sees polyamory in a super negative light and considers me as a cheap whore if Im talking of sharing life, body, thoughts, energy and joy with someone else than him ..

I think he just cannot see the possibilities yet.

Thank you for sharing your stories from the beginning and giving me support! <3

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

If you have already discussed the topic with him and, in your words, he would consider you a "cheap whore" for sharing sex with another, then maybe you just aren't suited for each other. It doesn't make him a lesser person; just not compatible for you.

I see so many posts on this site about how to "convince" a mono to come around to poly. If that isn't in their makeup, or they feel strongly against it for whatever reason, that's just the way it is. The mono partner should not feel the pressure to change their identity. If there is an incompatibility, it is kinder to just end the relationship.

And, yes, circumstances have determined that I live a mono life. However, I have learned a lot from the boards here, and have seen over and over again about how trying to force a square peg into a round hole is never kind. If your partner is dead set against it, take him at his word.

 

[powerpuffgrl1969]

Please, please, PLEASE don't even think about having a child until this matter is resolved. Having and raising a baby is the most all-consuming ordeal/joyful occupation (however you choose to look at it) either of you can imagine. If you go ahead and choose to have a child with the poly/mono issue still in contention, that wouldn't be fair to any of you.

As for him not seeing the "possibilities," maybe they aren't possibilities for him, but just major opportunities for stress?

 

[GalaGirl]

I am very sorry you are struggling.

I mean this kindly, ok? It may not be what you want to hear.

He doesnt feel good even talking about the topic.

I think he just cannot see the possibilities yet.

That makes it sound like you have HAD the conversation already. He has said "No, thank you. Poly is not for me." And he's not comfortable because you do not LISTEN and keep bugging him about it. That's not respectful behavior -- to not listen when someone says "no, thank you."

It sounds more like YOU being in the bargaining stage of grief. Still trying to make it go, when it's starting to look like it won't go in a pretty deep, foundational way.

Monogamy is not for you:

I am not happy and satisfied with him alone. I have other needs and enjoy energetic meetings with other people. Especially one other man calls me big time.

Im suppressing my feelings and dont live fully with him alone.

denying these energies make me feel depressed.

Polyamory is not for him:

But my fiance is more strict. He doesnt feel good even talking about the topic.

sees polyamory in a super negative light and considers me as a cheap whore if Im talking of sharing life, body, thoughts, energy and joy with someone else than him ..

Ergo, you two are NOT compatible for anything long haul.

You cannot force him to want polyamory when he KNOWS it is not for him and has TOLD you that.

You could stop shrinking yourself to fit into monogamy when you KNOW it is not for you.

do you have any tips how to get the conversation started, how to move on to live more freely?

You could accept that "move on to live more freely" doesn't have to be "move on still dating him." Just YOU could move on.

• I would strongly suggest you come to terms with this foudational difference in values / wants for the future.
  
• I suggest you CHANGE the conversation with him. Talk about realizing you are not a good fit together after all.
  
• I suggest you both grieve as needed, then actually make the announcement to the families/friends. The Engagement has ended, and you both concluded that you will not be getting married/having children. You find you want different things from the future. Then you both move on to the next chapter in your lives.

To me? This is what the Enagement time is FOR. The engaged couple talk and think deeply over values and future plans and see if it matches up or not for the long haul. To me Engagement time can be successful in one of two ways.

1) The Engaged couple examines their values and futures plans deeply and comes to find they ARE deeply compatible for marriage. They end the Engagement. They announce their intention to marry and move on to planning a wedding. That is a successful engagement.

2) The Engaged couple examines their values and future plans deeply and comes to find they ARE NOT deeply compatible for marriage. They end the Engagement. They announce they will NOT be marrying. They move on to stop dating and decide if they want to be (exes and friends) or (only exes.) They spare themselves the financial/mental/emotional expense of an ill-fitting marriage and divorce later down the road. That too is a successful engagement.

It sounds like your Engagement might be more of the #2 type.

You could both become ok with that.

Galagirl

 

[Nadya]

I agree with the previous posters. You two do not seem compatible. Love does not conquer all - living with such a huge disagreement and incompatibility in a marriage is not happy for anyone involved. Please, don't have any babies at this point of time!

 

[CTF]

Speaking as a mono partner who had, virtually, the exact same thing happen to me, I can tell you that if he says he doesn't feel comfortable talking about it, there will NEVER be any convincing him. With some people, there is a fundamental difference in the way we view love. Trying to explain that loving another, won't subtract the love you have for him will fall on deaf ears, because some of us simply don't believe that to be possible.

Now, if the drive in you is that strong, then you're most likely going to have to pursue it at the hands of ending things with him. I know it's not easy, but in the end, it's probably better for both of you.

This doesn't mean that either one of you are better, or worse than the other, just - as the others have said - incompatible.

 

[SoLOverlord]

I agree with what Galagirl is saying.
It sounds like you did have the talk and he is not interested in pursuing a poly relationship. If you feel very strongly about wanting to be able to love other people fully will begin to weigh hard on you and it will strain your relationship in the long run. I understand that these are not pleasant things to consider especially since you love him.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Solina,

You could ask your fiancé to read Franklin Veaux's Poly FAQ page. If that doesn't help, then you may have to rethink your whole position. Your fiancé isn't necessarily "in the wrong" for being adamant about monogamy. You may need to come around and understand his point of view. If there's any way to convince him to tolerate polyamory in his life, that would probably be your best bet.

I also strongly advise you to neither marry him nor have any kids with him until this mono/poly clash has been sorted out. Otherwise you will have years of misery on the road ahead. At least that's how it looks from here.

With regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Ravenscroft]

Problems only multply when people start trying to be Monogamous But -- to "go poly" as a couple.

End the engagement. Stop faking monogamy, stop dragging your partner along by the nads --especially when he's already prepared to denounce you as sick/evil/dangerous. Take responsibility, & leave.

Become polyamorous, as an individual.

Maybe someday, when you've both experienced a bit more life, your paths will cross again.