At times I wish I was “normal”

[freakyfa]

Sigh. When it comes to dating I’m facing an impossible dilemma and an uphill battle. Do I value BDSM/kink over a potential FMM triad? Should I try to seek both arrangements? Should I just cut my losses and find an ordinary vanilla guy? Romance isn’t easy when you have non-mainstream sexual proclivities coupled with a yearning to explore different relationship modalities other than the ones society promotes writ large.

There’s always the underlying fear that I’ll never find anyone at all. Yes, it’s certainly possible to remain happily single for the rest of your life and many do, but that’s not what I’m drawn toward. I crave a bond, emotional intimacy, a connection, whatever you call it. Try as I might I can’t imagine life alone.

The worry is compounded when I ruminate on how my unique criteria for a relationship stymies my chances at finding true love. My opportunities for romantic fulfillment are vanishingly slim. This is just inescapable reality and I can’t help but become discouraged at the prospect of eternal single status. So sometimes I lament that I wish I could be “normal.” My tastes in a potential partner a tad more pedestrian. That would simplify the process of course, but you know what? In spite of it all I like who I am. I don’t know why I am who I am, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

[Magdlyn]

I think it's fine to have dreams of a long-term working triad, whether that's FMF, FFM, MFM, FFF, MMM, or any non-binary or trans or asexual configuration..., whatever it might be. However, working triads are really remarkably rare, as are quads. It's very difficult to arrange a relationship where everyone desires and is in love with, and gets along with each other, long term. It's not even that easy to find that in a regular dyadic relationship!

However, there are lots of kinky people out there, ready, willing and able to play in the realm of BDSM. Of course, there are thousands of kinks. You need to identify which ones are the most important to you, and then seek one person (initially) who shares those kinks, who can be Dom to your sub, or your rigger, or your spankee, or your Daddy, or, again, whatever it may be!

I don't know if you're on Fetlife, but it's a great place to figure out who you are, what you want, and to meet people (online now, for safety). You might not meet the men of your dreams right off the bat, but you will be able to make a start, network, have some online fun. It's better than nothing. You could seek bi men there, of course. Maybe you'll meet a couple of guys eventually, who like you, want to meet each other, like each other, are attracted to each other, and eventually, safely, want to meet and date and play and see what happens.

Be strong and ready for rejection. Dating is hard. We all know this, I think!

 

[mf1438]

I found some encouragement in Unfuck Your Intimacy by Dr. Faith Harper. She says that about half of all people prefer monogamy. And guess what that means. Half don't! They prefer polyamory in some shape or form but just don't admit to their "non-mainstream sexual proclivities".

Don't fear you won't find anyone at all. You found us here and there are plenty more poly friendly people and places to find.

Welcome!

 

[mf1438]

Also, I heard this from my life coach. "Normal is just someone's opinion." Don't let anyone play the "normal" card on you. My wife does it all the time. That is not normal. Normal people do this. Normal people do that. I would rather hang out with a bunch of "abnormal" people any given day. That's why Nicolaus Copernicus and Elon Musk are both idols of mine.

 

[FallenAngelina]

If you're not on Fetlife, you definitely need to join up. There are so many people in so many variations there that one could get the impression that not being into kink or poly is what's weird. Where are you getting the message that kink is so very rare? It's positively mainstream in most urban areas (of the US, anyway.) Maybe you need some new friends who will reflect the new normal to you. You're well within the bounds of normal on Fetlife, for sure.

 

[tdh]

That feeling is always deflating and then the "maybe..." spiral begins. Then I remember...Normal has a complicated and abnormal history:

What Is “Normal,” Anyway?

In psychology and psychiatry, it really means average or typical, but we too easily think of it as a synonym for how everyone is supposed to think and feel

blogs.scientificamerican.com

How do we define "normal"?

Is being normal all about thinking inside the box? It's all about matching up to what society considers standard, but where did the criteria come from in the first place?

people.howstuffworks.com

And basically "normal' changes based on sample size, location, society, time in history, exposure etc.

 

[freakyfa]

If you're not on Fetlife, you definitely need to join up. There are so many people in so many variations there that one could get the impression that not being into kink or poly is what's weird. Where are you getting the message that kink is so very rare? It's positively mainstream in most urban areas (of the US, anyway.) Maybe you need some new friends who will reflect the new normal to you. You're well within the bounds of normal on Fetlife, for sure.

I do have a Fetlife. Even though I’m surrounded by other kinky people it’s been very much a difficult process finding sincere subs who aren’t just horny, flaky, or playing at submission when they really are Dominants.

 

[kdt26417]

I can see why you are feeling discouraged and frustrated about dating. If you can't find what you're looking for on FetLife, where can you find it? Honestly I have no idea. OKCupid is a poly-friendly dating site, but it hasn't been getting as good of reviews lately as it has in the past. So I don't know how to steer you in the right direction. But I do sympathize. As you said in your first post, feel bad about the dating landscape which does not offer you the support that it should, but feel good about who you are because there's nothing wrong with you. It's not your fault that love is hard to find, you didn't make the rules. Intuitively, it seems to me that you shouldn't compromise on what you really want, don't give up hope.

 

[Magdlyn]

I do have a Fetlife. Even though I’m surrounded by other kinky people it’s been very much a difficult process finding sincere subs who aren’t just horny, flaky, or playing at submission when they really are Dominants.

I hear ya. Prospective subs can be flakes. It can be hard to find just the right person. It does happen though! This is a bad time to be dating, however. We all have to be patient, more patient than ever!

In your dreams, do you imagine both your bi bfs are submissive to you?