jayblue122
Member
So I am in a messy situation and I am not sure what to do anymore. The relationships are polyamorous but that's mostly just tangentially relevant in all this.
The cast;
- Lake (32nb)
- Me (26m), partner to Lake for 3 years
- Alexa - Ex Wife & Step Mom (28f), partner to Lake for 9 years up until October when they separated. They are now divorced.
- Cali - Ex Gf & Baby Mama (28??f), college girlfriend of Lake's, Mother of their child, currently living with and engaged to bf of 2 years
- Ava (10f), child of Lake and Cali, no formal custody agreement
Prior to September Ava spent half the week with Cali and half the week with Lake and Alexa. Cali, Lake and Alexa operated as equal co-parents to Ava. Ava sees all three as equal parents as all have been around since as long as she can remember.
In Sept, Cali - with the support of Alexa - took Ava full time as to not expose Ava to the process of Alexa and Lake working though things and ultimately their divorcing. The stated reason was to shelter Ava from the sad change for as long as possible. Ava was ultimately informed by the three of them in the beginning of November. Lake did not support this and wanted to be transparent with Ava but was outvoted.
All things considered Lake and Alexa's separation and divorce has gone smoothly and they maintain regular contact and are friends with one another.
Once Ava was informed, there was the impression things would go back to 50-50 time between Lake and Cali, with Alexa still playing a role in Ava's life and have time with her regularly but not having custody. This has not happened. Lake has been fighting to have time with her again, but at most Cali is allowing Lake to see Ava once a week, with no overnights. On the other hand, Alexa has Ava every Friday and every other weekend Fri-Sun. Lake found out about this through Alexa and not Cali.
"Why?" You may ask- that is a great question I only have partial answers too. Cali says that it should be up to Ava who she gets to see, tho the therapists familiar with the situation say she is too young to be put in the position of choosing between her parents. Furthermore that doesn't seem to be a requirement of Alexa as Cali was the one who asked Alexa to take Ava every other weekend. There also seems to be some sexism going on in valuing Mother's and being "Motherly" over being any other form of parental.
This seems absolutely ridiculous and unfair to me. Lake has a right to see Ava. Alexa is enabling Cali's withholding of custody from Lake - which is shitty, and not a way to treat someone you are supposed to be friends with.
Lake is now considering calling a Lawyer and fighting for a legal custody agreement although they seem worried how that will go. Cali (and Cali's narcissist mother) are likely to be angry and upset by this course of action and there is the concern that this will make things worse.
I do not know how to support Lake in this. What can/should I be doing here? I'm incredibly angry at and disappointed in Alexa over this tho we are no longer in contact. I am not surprised by Cali here although upset with her as well. I feel for Ava as this is all is probably very hard and confusing for her. She deserves more stability and the space for a relationship with her Dad.
I'm just at a loss for what to do- how to help and support Lake, what to encourage them to do or suggest to them as an option...
Tldr; with no formal custody agreement, Baby Mama won't allow my partner to see their child now that they are divorced from their ex-wife however said step mom has been given regular visitation and partial custody. What to do from here? What should my partner do? How can I support?
The cast;
- Lake (32nb)
- Me (26m), partner to Lake for 3 years
- Alexa - Ex Wife & Step Mom (28f), partner to Lake for 9 years up until October when they separated. They are now divorced.
- Cali - Ex Gf & Baby Mama (28??f), college girlfriend of Lake's, Mother of their child, currently living with and engaged to bf of 2 years
- Ava (10f), child of Lake and Cali, no formal custody agreement
Prior to September Ava spent half the week with Cali and half the week with Lake and Alexa. Cali, Lake and Alexa operated as equal co-parents to Ava. Ava sees all three as equal parents as all have been around since as long as she can remember.
In Sept, Cali - with the support of Alexa - took Ava full time as to not expose Ava to the process of Alexa and Lake working though things and ultimately their divorcing. The stated reason was to shelter Ava from the sad change for as long as possible. Ava was ultimately informed by the three of them in the beginning of November. Lake did not support this and wanted to be transparent with Ava but was outvoted.
All things considered Lake and Alexa's separation and divorce has gone smoothly and they maintain regular contact and are friends with one another.
Once Ava was informed, there was the impression things would go back to 50-50 time between Lake and Cali, with Alexa still playing a role in Ava's life and have time with her regularly but not having custody. This has not happened. Lake has been fighting to have time with her again, but at most Cali is allowing Lake to see Ava once a week, with no overnights. On the other hand, Alexa has Ava every Friday and every other weekend Fri-Sun. Lake found out about this through Alexa and not Cali.
"Why?" You may ask- that is a great question I only have partial answers too. Cali says that it should be up to Ava who she gets to see, tho the therapists familiar with the situation say she is too young to be put in the position of choosing between her parents. Furthermore that doesn't seem to be a requirement of Alexa as Cali was the one who asked Alexa to take Ava every other weekend. There also seems to be some sexism going on in valuing Mother's and being "Motherly" over being any other form of parental.
This seems absolutely ridiculous and unfair to me. Lake has a right to see Ava. Alexa is enabling Cali's withholding of custody from Lake - which is shitty, and not a way to treat someone you are supposed to be friends with.
Lake is now considering calling a Lawyer and fighting for a legal custody agreement although they seem worried how that will go. Cali (and Cali's narcissist mother) are likely to be angry and upset by this course of action and there is the concern that this will make things worse.
I do not know how to support Lake in this. What can/should I be doing here? I'm incredibly angry at and disappointed in Alexa over this tho we are no longer in contact. I am not surprised by Cali here although upset with her as well. I feel for Ava as this is all is probably very hard and confusing for her. She deserves more stability and the space for a relationship with her Dad.
I'm just at a loss for what to do- how to help and support Lake, what to encourage them to do or suggest to them as an option...
Tldr; with no formal custody agreement, Baby Mama won't allow my partner to see their child now that they are divorced from their ex-wife however said step mom has been given regular visitation and partial custody. What to do from here? What should my partner do? How can I support?