Back after seven years!

[Leander]

Hi

I joined this forum about seven years ago, wrote a few posts and then drifted away. Back then I was struggling with a monogamous relationship that was potentially opening up. Well, that got weird. My (now ex) wife was building up the start of her first major bipolar episode. I didn't understand what was happening at the time but was naively optimistic about how things might go. My wife dated a few guys, fell for one of them in particular and split up with me in a spectacularly destructive way. We are on good terms but the relationship was pretty much nuked. I was devastated at first but it also forced me to grow.

Much has changed since then. I dated a lot of people and had many different experiences. Currently I have a nesting partner who I've been with for six years and a girlfriend I see regularly. I get on great with my metas. Despite some large age gaps our polycule is harmonious in general and verging on the kitchen table variety, which is my personal ideal.

Up for discussions of many sorts regarding polyamory. Maybe I'll last more than a week this time.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Leander,
Welcome back to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sorry to hear about your breakup with your (ex-) wife, it does sound like things worked out for the best in the end. It seems to me that all the posts you have posted so far have been of very good quality, and I look forward to reading more of your posts now. You seem to be practicing poly successfully now, there will be a lot of people who will be helped by your input and experience. Glad to have you back!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Welcome aboard!

 

[Leander]

Thank you! Things really did work out for the best, for everyone, I think.

Before my significant relationship with my ex-wife I believed that, being poly, I was compatible with monogamy as well as polyamory. That was not the case. I was never properly myself in monogamous relationships. I just tolerated them and forced outward conformity to monogamy out of love and respect for partners. I wish I could've spent a day explaining to a younger me why that was a mistake! (edit: not the love and respect part, the forced conformity part)

 

[kdt26417]

I have a pet theory (subject to modification) that most of us are different percentages of monogamous and polyamorous. You may be 10% monogamous and 90% polyamorous, or perhaps even 0% monogamous and 100% polyamorous. It's a question of whether you could ever be even slightly happy in a monogamous relationship, and you seem to be saying that you learned you could not. At the very least, you do not thrive in a situation where you force yourself into a monogamous mold.

 

[Leander]

I have a pet theory (subject to modification) that most of us are different percentages of monogamous and polyamorous. You may be 10% monogamous and 90% polyamorous, or perhaps even 0% monogamous and 100% polyamorous.

I like that. There does seem to be some sort of scale to how polyamorous someone is, which may be down to a balance of factors like attachment style, prior experience, outlook, parental upbringing, etc. I know I am very comfortable with polyamorous arrangements. My nesting partner is probably 30%-40% monogamous and 60%-70% polyamorous but that's been shifting further towards poly for years. She herself finds she's unhappy in monogamous relationships, yet they're also less likely to make her feel insecure. What makes poly work for her most of all is if she is friends with her metas. The more she feels included and connected, the better. If she feels shut out then that takes some work to manage. "Kitchen Table" poly has been our ideal since getting together. "Everything But The Kitchen Sink" is what we've experienced. Theory and practice.

It's a question of whether you could ever be even slightly happy in a monogamous relationship, and you seem to be saying that you learned you could not. At the very least, you do not thrive in a situation where you force yourself into a monogamous mold.

Oh, I can be happy-ish. Its just I was not able to be who I really was and that was unfortunate. Put it this way, from the outset of my relationship with my ex-wife I felt torn that I couldn't respond to people who hit on me, developed crushes or felt something more substantial. Throughout that entire monogamous relationship I had a lot of close friendships with women, almost exclusively women, and I listened to a lot of sad love music about lost love or otherwise tragic/destructive relationships. Now I listen to more Goldfrapp than Lana Del Rey.

 

[kdt26417]

It sounds like at the very least, monogamy makes you feel confined, and like you are missing out on precious opportunities. You do say that you can be happy-ish in monogamy, so maybe that is 5% monogamous (and 95% polyamorous).

Questions about whether parallel poly or kitchen table poly (the latter in this case) work best for you, constitute a whole other continuum.