Hela
New member
Some of you all may remember me from about a year ago.
**TW: Detailed account of verbal abuse**
I was in a controlling and abusive poly "cross relationship" with my now exhusband and another couple. On getting out of that situation, met a gentleman, Loki, who "swept me off my feet". He and I ended up monogamous together for nearly the past year.
.
.
Apparently I really know how to pick 'em because this relationship ended up going up in flames this past week. As he had been progressively more controlling and rude to me since he moved in. He was consistently more and more invalidating and belittling in his communication. He was always questioning my every move and becoming more and more isolating.
Everything reached a head this past Tuesday when he verbally assaulted me late that night. He ended up snapping over something I had told someone, the same info I had told a small handful of others that he knew about, but for whatever reason, this particular time triggered him into a massive rage.
Regardless of how apologetic I was, it only made him more angry. Screaming me down, calling me names like "stupid", "retard", f**king b*tch, kicking my bedroom door in numerous times to list more reasons why I'm a terrible person. At one point during my apologies, he went ballistic and screamed until his veins popped out of his neck, telling me to stop apologizing. At another point telling me that he had my SS# and would put it on the deep web and make sure that I never got out of debt. Later taking it back, he then went to the living room, turned on the TV, and turned up the volume to full blast, intending to keep me awake the entire night (I had to work at 7am). When I went to beg him to turn it down, he shrugged me off stating he did not care if I had to work early.
Later, then, he shoved his way into the bedroom and punching my door over and over again. The door flew by my head so close that the punch echoed in my ear and blew my hair back. At this point I was heavily triggered and started trembling, realizing how bad this situation was as he screamed in my face that I never even apologized. He then asked me why I was acting like a victim, telling me I was faking and mocking my horrified mannerisms. The fight finally settled around 4:30 after I had told him we were through. He came into the room calmly this time, fearing that I was serious, and tried to talk his way around what just happened. Blaming me for making him that angry. At this point, because of the threats, I pretty much just told him what he wanted to hear so that I could get some sleep and not feel threatened for a short time...I knew there was no coming back from that for me.
.
.
.
I spent the rest of the week trying to get a game plan for getting him out of the house and figuring out my finances. He is now gone and I am living alone for the first time in my life. Something I have felt that I needed for a while, but I have not been financially independent. Now that I am here, I finally feel like I can breathe and be myself without my every move being questioned. My home is MY space and I have become extraordinarily protective over it. My locks are changed and my landlord is working on installing security and fencing.
The freedom of living alone is elating. Having no one to answer to, no one to criticize and correct me on a daily basis. Space to think and be alone. This is truely something I have wanted for a while, but was too scared to make the leap.
Now that I am here, I am also finding myself able to express myself fully with those I care deeply about and always have. If anything, the lack of commitment makes me trust them that much more because there is nothing to control and no reason to control it. It just is.
Maybe this is temporary and I am just traumatized. Maybe I will change my mind. But at this point, I downright refuse to give that much of myself to anyone again.
Is there anyone else here that is a relationship anarchist? What is your view and how did you get there?
**TW: Detailed account of verbal abuse**
I was in a controlling and abusive poly "cross relationship" with my now exhusband and another couple. On getting out of that situation, met a gentleman, Loki, who "swept me off my feet". He and I ended up monogamous together for nearly the past year.
.
.
Apparently I really know how to pick 'em because this relationship ended up going up in flames this past week. As he had been progressively more controlling and rude to me since he moved in. He was consistently more and more invalidating and belittling in his communication. He was always questioning my every move and becoming more and more isolating.
Everything reached a head this past Tuesday when he verbally assaulted me late that night. He ended up snapping over something I had told someone, the same info I had told a small handful of others that he knew about, but for whatever reason, this particular time triggered him into a massive rage.
Regardless of how apologetic I was, it only made him more angry. Screaming me down, calling me names like "stupid", "retard", f**king b*tch, kicking my bedroom door in numerous times to list more reasons why I'm a terrible person. At one point during my apologies, he went ballistic and screamed until his veins popped out of his neck, telling me to stop apologizing. At another point telling me that he had my SS# and would put it on the deep web and make sure that I never got out of debt. Later taking it back, he then went to the living room, turned on the TV, and turned up the volume to full blast, intending to keep me awake the entire night (I had to work at 7am). When I went to beg him to turn it down, he shrugged me off stating he did not care if I had to work early.
Later, then, he shoved his way into the bedroom and punching my door over and over again. The door flew by my head so close that the punch echoed in my ear and blew my hair back. At this point I was heavily triggered and started trembling, realizing how bad this situation was as he screamed in my face that I never even apologized. He then asked me why I was acting like a victim, telling me I was faking and mocking my horrified mannerisms. The fight finally settled around 4:30 after I had told him we were through. He came into the room calmly this time, fearing that I was serious, and tried to talk his way around what just happened. Blaming me for making him that angry. At this point, because of the threats, I pretty much just told him what he wanted to hear so that I could get some sleep and not feel threatened for a short time...I knew there was no coming back from that for me.
.
.
.
I spent the rest of the week trying to get a game plan for getting him out of the house and figuring out my finances. He is now gone and I am living alone for the first time in my life. Something I have felt that I needed for a while, but I have not been financially independent. Now that I am here, I finally feel like I can breathe and be myself without my every move being questioned. My home is MY space and I have become extraordinarily protective over it. My locks are changed and my landlord is working on installing security and fencing.
The freedom of living alone is elating. Having no one to answer to, no one to criticize and correct me on a daily basis. Space to think and be alone. This is truely something I have wanted for a while, but was too scared to make the leap.
Now that I am here, I am also finding myself able to express myself fully with those I care deeply about and always have. If anything, the lack of commitment makes me trust them that much more because there is nothing to control and no reason to control it. It just is.
Maybe this is temporary and I am just traumatized. Maybe I will change my mind. But at this point, I downright refuse to give that much of myself to anyone again.
Is there anyone else here that is a relationship anarchist? What is your view and how did you get there?
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