More Explanation
Okay! So I was just able to actually sit down and read my original post. I realized that there was quite a bit of info left out as a result of being in a hurry. So I'd like to correct that. In this case I believe that the more info there is the better equipped others will be in helping point me in the right direction.
Here are the cast of characters:
Sally (myself)
Karen (the best friend)
Bert (Karen's longtime partner)
Okay so here it goes....
Karen and Sally became friends about 4yrs ago. Overtime they have became very close, even going on a vacation together. Sally was married to an addict for 10yrs and finally divorced because she was left with no other choice. Sally is now a single parent. Karen and Bert take Sally under their wing and encourage her thru the tough times of said divorce. Sally and Karen being best friends discuss current and past relationships during many of their conversations. Sally tries to emotionally support Karen thru a rough patch in her relationship with Bert. Rough patch is smoothed and time goes on.
One day Bert approaches Sally with the idea of a Polyamory relationship. Sally having no idea what it is looks it up and immediately says no. Because that's not how Sally was raised. She was raised with the belief of one man, one woman.
Time goes by and Bert reapproaches the Polyamory relationship. Again Sally politely says no. However, Bert encourages Sally to discuss this with Karen because Karen is supposed to be on board. So one afternoon Sally does talk to Karen about this Poly. Karen, much to Sally's surprise, gives her blessing. Not once but several times during the conversation. Then in a later discussion Sally asks about ground rules. Karen response was simple and agreeable. 1) The kids cannot know 2)Don't lie to her
So the forward we move.
At first I was very nervous. I had NEVER had anything to do with an attached person or a woman. I was curious, but the whole belief system kicked in so I had never followed thru.
Things progressed and seemed to be going swimmingly. Sally and Bert had always been surface level friends until this point. However, now they found that they really clicked. Sally would stop by and have coffee, spend quality time together, great conversations, etc. Karen and Bert would invite Sally over often. Sally experienced her first intimate encounter with a woman and was pleasantly surprised at how natural it was.
Then Bert professed his feelings for Sally. Now at first Sally thought nothing of it. Figured the feelings were on a friendship level, well convinced herself of that anyway.
By this time Sally was being asked by Bert to stay over constantly, and Sally would.
In the mean time Sally started noticing changes in Karen's behavior. She noticed the eye rolling, small comments, etc. By now (when time permitted) Sally has started helping with things around the house like dishes, getting the kids off to school, doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc. Things to make Karen's day a little easier, so she could rest/relax when she got home.
Sally noticed Karen's lack of appreciation in anything that was done for her. Never even so much as a thank you.
Next Karen stated her uneasiness about Bert's affection toward Sally, passionate kisses. So almost immediately Bert ceased passionate kisses around Karen.
Next Karen stated that Sally didn't need to visit as often. So Sally went home and stated that she would feel better if the invitation came from Karen at that point. It was at this point that Sally realized that she had feelings for Bert. OH CRAP!!!!
Bert had been texting Sally and Sally admitted her feelings and that she did not anticipate having those feelings. Then Karen took Bert's phone while he was away and started secretly texting Sally as if she were Bert. Asking if Sally wanted to be #1. Sally's response was "no, I just want to be equal".
After this Karen and Sally went and had a one on one meeting where Sally directly asked Karen if she wanted to do. Karen's initial response was "I just want it to stop" Sally complied and did inform Karen that she understood but that she would need to keep her distance for a while. At least until her feeling were under control. At some point in the conversation Karen claims that she did not say that she wanted the poly to stop. They talk, cry, and hug it out.
It was around this time that Karen states that the emotional involvement bothers her and that it has always been a rule in their swing life to not fall in love. We discussed that this rule was never revealed to me and talk it out. Or so I thought.
Next Karen brings up the texting and conversation frequency between Bert and Sally, and that Bert cuddles with Sally at bedtime. So naturally both become less frequent. It is at this time that Bert and Sally start discussing ways in which to make Karen feel more secure and confident not only in her relationship with Bert but in the relationship in general. Bert starts sleeping in the middle of the bed to accommodate. But in his sleep he would cuddle up to me because of his natural sleeping position. So then Karen changes which side of the bed she sleeps on, she even tries the middle but doesn't like it.
It was at this point that Sally believes that Karen may be experiencing jealousy/insecurity issues. So she starts doing some reading and finds several articles that she feels are encouraging in how to deal with this issue in a poly relationship. She then forwards them to Bert who in turn suggest that Sally be the one to present it to Karen. Karen never read any or the articles, claims she doesn't have time.
But she does seem to have another issue.... Now it's the frequency of Sally and Bert's intimate moments, several of which Karen is involved in.
By now there have been several discussions and Karen keeps saying that she had no idea that this was going to be a Poly relationship. That she thought of it as a FWB type of thing, honestly can't get much out of her other than that, she clams up.
Karen has also started double checking stories. She will asks Sally some questions then later go asks Bert the same questions to see if the answers are the same. She also starts checking Bert's messages and phone calls. And starts posting out of the norm stuff on FB.
Sally no longer gets invites from Karen unless it's at Bert's request.
Then one night Sally sets down with Bert and Karen and explains to Karen in front of Bert the different types of Poly relationships and how the work. She also asks Karen which relationship does she feel is better suited for her. Karen chooses the triad. Sally feels like maybe there has just been some misunderstandings and now there can be progress. Sally also expresses her love for Karen as more than just a mere friendship, that while it's not at the in love stage it could be if Karen wanted it to be. Karen doesn't say too much about it.
Now, Sally and Bert continue to discuss ways to help Karen and make this transition easier for everyone. In the midst of this there is a rare day when Bert and Sally are off. So Sally goes to run errands with Bert. After Karen finds out that the two are together she texts and calls more than normal. This time alone is the first that Sally and Bert have had in over a month, and it seems to bother Karen that Bert is doing something with Sally.
Afterwards Karen starts showing more affection, desire for intimacy with Bert, and general interest in Bert than was done previously. Sally no longer gets request to go out and only goes to stay the night once a week because she's needed to get the kids to school the next day.
Next is the big big big issue....
Bert and Sally have another rare day off and decide to have morning coffee. Upon one of many subjects is what could be making Karen feel the way she does. Could it be her age? Could she feel threatened? Could it be the "change"? Could it be her getting sick? Could it be a combination of all those things? So Bert and Sally go out run a few errands and discuss in depth a plan to get Karen to feel better about herself, hoping that in turn she'd feel more positive about everything. We spend most of the day coming up with activities to help stimulate a positive attitude and outlook. We know that if Karen figures out what's going on she'll be reluctant to do anything, so we decide not to tell her about out the plan. We head back to the house and eventually have a quick session before anyone gets home. When asked id we were together that day we lied, yes we lied. Well long story short, she didn't believe it and decided to record a conversation between Sally and Bert. She lets Sally and Bert carry the lie for a day or so then pulls Sally to the side and shows her the proof of the lie. Then asks Sally not to disclose this information to Bert, she wants to see how long before Bert tells her the truth. Well Bert does tell Karen the truth and now she has new rules.
Now she wants Karen and Bert to be the Primary couple and Sally to be secondary. Now Karen knows how Sally feels about being secondary (3rd wheel). She also states that on holiday's Sally can have the day before or the day after but not the day of. Sally has also been completely excluded from Bert's birthday plans. I know that a lie is a lie is a lie. However, it wasn't intended to be a bad lie. But it sure felt like it when the truth came out.
And I feel like this was a way for Karen to get what she truly wants, me out of the picture. When I look at everything that's just what it feels like, and I don't know if there's any help for it.
At this point would you opt out??????
