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Mila38

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New to poly...like super new. Like my partner and I never really discussed in depth what it would look like for us or how to go about it. We are kinky. He's hanging in another group unbeknownst to me making connections and downplaying them to me as just kink play partners...next thing you know he tells me they wanna have sex with him. Then admits to messing around with them already....and wasn't just open with me from the beginning. Now he wants a polyship and me not even beginning to dip my feet in am now arranging to this newness with him and 2 other women...what. do. I. Do? He seems remorseful but he took choices away from me. Because these are people we know. I didn't get to have a say if I wanted to know...I didn't get to say or even begin to learn to define what poly would look like for me or us. And I am now thrust into the throngs of something I have read takes a long time before even considering opening up a relationship.... anyone experienced in this... advice or input please. Since then I have felt super disconnected. And IDK if this connection is worth saving because of how I wasn't considered initially....
 
This isn't polyamory. Where's the love, for you or the others? It's just cheating in plain sight.

From what you've said, he doesn't seem like a trustworthy dating partner, and you'd probably be better off walking away.
 
Hello Mila38,

You're right, your partner should have made you aware of his outside dalliances, he should have given you the chance to decide for yourself what you did or didn't consent to. Now you have to make that call when the dalliances are already happening, and that is super hard for you to do. I don't suppose he would put the dalliances on hold while you research and think about this? but then he could say he did, and you wouldn't know if he was being honest. I guess my advice would be to temporarily separate from him, then take some time to research and think about things, see how he behaves during the separation, then decide whether to reconnect with him, or whether to make it a permanent separation. Sorry I can't think of any more palatable solutions.

Sympathetic regards,
Kevin T.
 
Dump him. He's dishonest & inconsiderate & will likely not make a good partner for anyone.
 
Leave. He gave you an illusion of choice to pretty much cover his ass. I can't see it going anywhere but worse from this point forward.

I wish you the best in this hard time, take care.
Bee x
 
I am sorry you are experiencing this.

You don't describe anything here that makes your connection with him sound worth preserving.

He didn't consider your feelings and he just expects you to go along with it?
 
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