Balancing act?

B

Bellygoddess

New member
So I am completely new to this. Husband and I decided to open our relationship a cpl months ago. I have a "bf" that is a LDR. So I am the hinge in a V. Bf and I see each other every other month or so. Husband and I live together, been together for almost 20 years.

How do you balance it? Balancing partners, balancing personal feelings, how to handle it? Esp if one partner has greater/more needs? How do you help/handle insecurities?
 
Hi Bellygoddess,

I generally recommend spending time in varied amounts, according to who needs the most; I don't generally recommend dividing it up exactly the same. It's a negotiation process. In your case your boyfriend's long distance is likely to affect how much time you spend with him.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Can you be more specific?

If you've only Opened 2 months ago, and see bf every other month, do you mean you've met him irl once? And so the rest of the time it's phonecalls or texting or Skyping?

Who is insecure, and what needs of his do you wish to meet better?
 
LDR can be tricky, especially if the LDR partner has no other partner. Sometimes they seem like they want to be in constant contact and you end up with constant interruptions. Or sometimes you spend too much time online or on the phone, ignoring your other partner.

What worked for me was to set aside certain times for the LDR. For instance, we would text or talk while I was working, but evenings were for my wife if I was at home. It would be the opposite if I was with my LDR partner. Then I would talk with my wife during the day and spend evenings with my partner.
 
Oh I went back and read your other thread, which I had commented on.

You were on a business trip and cheated on your husband with Other Guy, who is also married and cheating. His wife doesn't know he is cheating. You confessed to your husband. And then you planned another trip to go see Other Guy.

So... your husband is struggling with knowing that you are having a continued affair with Other Guy. This isn't polyamory, since Other Guy's wife is in the dark about the whole thing.

Why did you choose to continue in an affair with other guy? Does it seem OK to you to be the partner in his cheating? How does your h feel about that? If you expect to continue to healthy polyamory, you can not date someone who is supposed to be in a monogamous marriage.
 
I think my angle was coming from a person who is new to the idea of being nonmonoamorous. From thinking and living "mono" to adjusting to nonmono. I don't think I have any specific examples I have to share right now. Looking for general advice, I guess, of adjusting, other than talking with partners. That we are very good on.

I know things aren't going to be 50/50. That's just unrealistic. And feelings, energy, will ebb and flow. I'm not even sure what I'm exactly asking...just some thoughts from the perspective of someone who is involved with 2+ people at the same time. If there are specific stories or blogs I should check in on, that would be helpful.

To answer a question or two...sure, poly might not be the best word to describe our current situation. Nonmono maybe better. If someone has a better descriptor, I'm listening. Sometimes saying poly is simpler, because while there might be a widely accepted prefered definition of polyamorous, there are several definitions, including being as simple as being involved with more than 1 person at a time.

Yes, my relationship with my "bf" came out of a secret affair, of which he is still in. I confessed to my husband and because of these events, the nonmono converation began. The way my husband and I see it, and have about many topics, how someone choses to live their life isn't for us to judge. If the person is happy at their core and are ok with their choices, then keep on keeping on.. (I like to think I don't have to say this, but I will...certain things like pedophilia, rape, murder, etc are choices we would not condone. Just saying that before it possibly would be brought up). Therefore, if bf wants to keep his relationship with his wife as it is and also be with me, it's not for me to say or demand him to do something else. I knew generally what I was getting involved with when I met him. However, the Nonmono part with my husband was not originally in my thought process. That came out of us sort of organically. And it's been a great thing. At the very least, it has forced us to talk a lot more, and honestly.
 
How do you balance it?

I try to practice good time management skills. I try to divide my time as close to 50/50 as I can. But life ebbs and flows sometimes I need to spend more time with one partner than the other.

Balancing partners, balancing personal feelings, how to handle it?
Esp if one partner has greater/more needs? How do you help/handle insecurities?

I do not know exactly what kind of answer you are looking for. It is not my job to manage other partners insecurities. All I can do is be a good stable partner who does what she says she will do. I do not bend to the will of another partner.
 
Belly refuses to share many specifics. We don't even know how it's unbalanced, which guy is feeling his needs aren't met.

She's in a long distance relationship with her "bf," who is cheating on his wife. We know that LDRs only survive with cyber-communication. But can he text with his wife in the dark? Does he do it at work? Does he sneak out to talk to her at night? Is Belly's husband jealous that she is spending too much time texting? Is Belly's bf jealous because he can't text much and doesn't get enough attention? Is it something else altogether?

We don't know. We may never know.
 
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