BDSM discussion

[Ozcountryguy]

I'm loving this thread reading about everyone’s experiences and curiosity. I’ve always been very sexual for as long as I can remember, but growing up in a religious family kept it “in the closest.” lol

Kink never really appealed to me until in my 30s, then I discovered FL. I think I learned more about myself reading and chatting with others on FL that any other time in my life. I also learned to accept myself for who I am.

Meeting a poly/swinger/kink couple really broke down my barriers.

Life is a journey, as they say. I think the hardest part is we try to “conform to the norm,” but it’s not until we embrace life with an open mind that we really really start to learn about ourselves and life.

 

[loverjam]

Several people said they were interested in having a BDSM thread. I've been offline most of the last two weeks, but noticed it hasn't been started (at least not anywhere I can find it!) so I'm starting one.

I haven't much of an idea what to say, but thought (hoped) that if I start it some other more knowledgeable posters will pipe in and fill in the BIG HUGE GAPS.

For me, it's a very limited situation and limited experience. I came out poly in late Sept. '09. Shortly thereafter, I came out to my husband (and bf) that I desired to be a sub to their Dom.

We've basically agreed to work on the details of making our V relationship smoothly work before we move forward with BDSM activities/plans. So we have been working on our V details and talking offhand about the other. Mostly collecting info on interests, dis-interests, etc., as we go along. But no other significant steps taken.

I would LOVE to hear from all of you with experience and willingness to share about your thoughts, ideas, experiences, concerns, feelings, dreams, wishes, hopes, worries, frustrations on the topic.

I have been thinking about BDSM.

 

[loverjam]

As someone who doesn't have a lot of experience in this area, I wanted to try it after reading 50 Shades of Grey. But I was still a little scared, mostly of embarrassment and things like that. But the good thing is, my partner was interested in it too, and recommended a few articles for me to look at. Sex toys have also played a big part in our experiment.

 

[Evie]

Since this thread had a moment recently, I thought I'd comment on something actually on topic.

So, I met Puck on FetLife and when we started talking, we gravitated towards D/S. I'm the S. It was pretty full on for a while as we tested what we could do at a distance (LDR mostly). We developed small rituals, ones that have largely gone by the by these days, but given we just spent two months in person, here are a few things we noticed.

It's weird when I have to call for him in public and I use his first name. Because calling out "Sir" in the middle of [insert megastore name here] is not okay LOL.

It's weird being around other people (we stayed with Adam and with a family member of mine) and not being able to call him Sir because it's a different type of public. It's a relief when we get back into the car and drive away and I can say, "Hello, Sir."

We can calm down after a difficult day with small stillnesses like me kneeling at his feet. In that moment, everything else becomes utterly unimportant. Forget work, forget the world. In that moment, it's just us.

We're learning to bounce off each other's strengths, and mitigate the clashes if we have different solutions to whatever we are attempting to collaborate on. If we're getting a bit frustrated with each other, I'll hand the leadership over to him as soon as I realise we're heading towards a different approach. If he solves it, great, I haven't had to do more thinking about it. If he can't solve it and he hands it back, then I'll take care of it my way. I'm sure this process will be honed with time when we each learn what the other is good at, but we are both people who tend to have the motto, "if you want it done right, do it yourself" - so we're both learning when to let go and trust the other. And we're leaning into the D/S dynamic a little to smooth the way.

Lastly, the daily nod to D/S balances out the very occasional all powerful perception I get when I draw down the moon.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm so glad life afforded you the opportunity to interact in person. I've never seen a LDR that started long distance evolve into a real life one like this. I hope he finds a job there soon and you can continue your explorations.

 

[Evie]

Just thought I'd bump this thread again with a little take from my past.

A few years ago now, I was asked (with puzzled disdain), "so, you sub to two men online?" Barely an inflection at the end of that. And the short answer was yes, but that's not even a fraction of it. He definitely couldn't fathom the online thing, and he struggled with the two thing. And he was especially perplexed that neither was my husband. He definitely didn't get it that those two online men were people I interacted with daily, chatted for hours, that they took time to get to deeply know me. That it was a lot more than BDSM. To him, kink was just a bit of good sex. To me and my "two men", it was an intellectual intimacy, an energetic connection, and a deep caring for each other's well-being. Just to be clear, these two men don't know each other, although I've told each about the other.

But submitting to two people does mean managing expectations and negotiations have to allow for each dyad to have their own dynamic. It's a wonderful journey, though

 

[XTremeMeow]

Several people said they were interested in having a BDSM thread. I've been offline most of the last two weeks, but noticed it hasn't been started (at least not anywhere I can find it!) so I'm starting one.

I haven't much of an idea what to say, but thought (hoped) that if I started it, some other more knowledgeable posters would pipe in and fill in the BIG HUGE GAPS.

For myself, it's a very limited situation, with limited experience. I came out poly in late Sept. '09. Shortly thereafter, I came out to my husband (and bf) that I desired to be a sub to their Doms.

We've basically agreed to work on the details of making our V relationship smoothly work before we move forward with BDSM activities/plans. So we have been working on our V details and talking offhand about the other topic, mostly collecting info on interests, disinterests, etc., as we go along. No other significant steps have been taken.

I would LOVE to hear from all of you with experience and willingness to share about your thoughts, ideas, experiences, concerns, feelings, dreams, wishes, hopes, worries, frustrations, etc., on the topic.

I think a lot of people are really interested in exploring BDSM, but many feel hesitant because they’re afraid of being judged or criticized for their interests, their skill level, or the way they like to play. There’s often a lot of intimidation, especially when people see others who seem more experienced or confident, and it can make someone feel like they don’t belong or aren’t “good enough” to participate.

On top of that, finding the right person,or the right people, to enjoy these experiences with can be challenging. BDSM requires a lot of trust, communication, and compatibility, and not everyone is open or available to experiment in ways that align with someone else’s desires or limits. That’s why having supportive spaces like this thread is so important. It gives people a chance to share openly, ask questions, learn from others’ experiences, and feel less alone in navigating what can sometimes feel like a complicated or intimidating world. Threads like this help normalize the learning process, show that there’s no “perfect” way to engage in BDSM, and remind everyone that it’s ultimately about connection, consent, and mutual enjoyment.