Been struggling with Poly for 4 years

[leslie]

My husband is poly and I am monogamous. Also there is a big age difference between us. I am older.
We are very much in love and when we met my husband, P, told me he was poly and I was interested. The first experience was when he visited an old girlfriend in another state and planned a weekend with her. I thought I was ok with this, and had made contact with her, and really liked her, though I hadn't met her in person, our correspondence was very positive.
She was going through a difficult divorce, and didn't know P was engaged to me at the time.
He went to visit her, and I planned a really nice weekend for myself.
I tried a few times to check in with him, as we did that a lot- but his phone was turned off the entire weekend, and I started to panic when I couldn't get hold of him.
It turned into a disaster when he came home, and took a long time to recover.
The next experience he had was with a co-worker who was a trans women.
I had never met anyone like that before, and needed to educate myself about trans. Which I did. This relationship was tricky because the R, wanted a husband and a pickett fence and was really upset by my marriage and wanted me gone. As you can probably see, this didn't work out too well,either, but we are all friends now without the romantic aspect.
Now, P has fallen in love with another women, who is about the same age as he is. She is living with her boyfriend, at his home, and her mother lives there, too. She is from another country that has very strict moral standards, and she is plagued with guilt, and will not talk to me, or even allow email or texts from me. She is afraid I will tell her boyfriend about her relationship with P and get thown out of the house, She doesn't have a job and depends on the boyfriend, and her mother lives there, too.
I feel this is not really the way I want poly relationships to go, with secrecy, lack of communication and with people who don't understand poly.
I also have some insecurities based on all these previous experiences.
My husband says he must find the "truth" about himself and living a poly life, and I have been patient, but am getting tired and sometimes resentful of all the ups and downs of this. I am 65 he is 46. It's tough for me, but I am trying. Any advice or support from anyone is welcome. Thanks!

 

[SNeacail]

She is living with her boyfriend, at his home, and her mother lives there, too. She is from another country that has very strict moral standards, and she is plagued with guilt, and will not talk to me, or even allow email or texts from me. She is afraid I will tell her boyfriend about her relationship with P and get thown out of the house, She doesn't have a job and depends on the boyfriend, and her mother lives there, too.
I feel this is not really the way I want poly relationships to go, with secrecy, lack of communication and with people who don't understand poly.

This really isn't YOUR problem! For now, I'd let it go, likely it will end soon, probably with much drama on her part, but it's not your dilemma to solve. Talk to your husband about your insecurities on the lack of communication, the secrecy and you want to keep any drama out of your life. aka: she's not welcome to move into your home if her bf pitches a fit because she is cheating on her bf. The gf's guilt is your husband issue to deal with, not yours.

Discuss reasonable boundaries that you guys can follow, such as checking in with each other when away on long weekends, etc. You shouldn't be texting him (baring an emergency) while he's on a date - however, I think a simple good morning/good night while away for a few days is acceptable and a way to keep the person home alone from thinking the other is lying in a ditch somewhere. When is it ok to call/text? Work on your communication skills with each other.

 

[Sentinel]

Leslie

It seems like in none of these relationships, perhaps, were all members pushing in the same direction with full knowledge and consent.

What does this mean to you? What do you need? Do you and P have a common understanding of what it means for him to be polyamorous? And are you able to talk to P about how you feel?

It's likely P may make some poor relationship choices from time to time - don't we all - but what I'm hearing in your post is that you worry there's a more fundamental difference between P's approach to relationships and your understanding of what you agreed to.

My personal experience is that the amount of communication about relationships needed to keep everyone on track increases dramatically in poly arrangements. Society tends to give us a fairly standard set of expectations for how monogamous relationships work, whereas boundaries for poly arrangements are very much more up to the participants to determine.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi leslie,

The advice already given so far is good, I just wanted to add my sympathies as I know you are going through a difficult situation.

Your husband's girlfriend probably shouldn't be in any relationships at all. It seems to me that she has issues and she needs to get a job, schooling, counseling, her own place to live, and some independence. As it stands she is technically cheating on the boyfriend she lives with, and I'm sure that won't end well.

Your husband seems to have issues when it comes to choosing girlfriends; he repeatedly picks girlfriends who turn his (and your) life into a whirlwind of drama. I hope he'll do some thinking about that.

I just wish you the best, and hope your future poly experiences aren't so traumatic.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[leslie]

Thank you all for your great responses. I really appreciate your perspective.
Here is an update on the situation.

P has continuously discussed with her that is it is unacceptable for him to be in a relationship with her, if she insists on not talking, or making any contact with me,
Even wishing her happy birthday is out.

So they continued to argue about this for at least another month, and then a week ago, P told her that it was over.

But now he is very despondent and is having a very hard time, as he wishes things were different.
I had no idea the depth of his feelings, and it came as quite a surprise, both that he broke off romantic relations with her and that he had really been quite attached to her.... we have a lot to learn.

 

[kdt26417]

It's probably for the best that he ended that relationship, though I certainly don't rejoice over the pain he's suffering. Breakups can really hurt, even if you're the one initiating the breakup.

Thanks for keeping us posted; hope to hear from you more at times.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[central]

Personally, I find it unethical and unacceptable to date someone who is in a relationship, without them having agreed with their SO that this is permissible in their relationship. I dislike cheating and refuse to participate in helping someone else cheat. It does not sound like your husband is behaving responsibly and ethically.

 

[GreenAcres]

Personally, I find it unethical and unacceptable to date someone who is in a relationship, without them having agreed with their SO that this is permissible in their relationship. I dislike cheating and refuse to participate in helping someone else cheat. It does not sound like your husband is behaving responsibly and ethically.

I agree. Also, people go crazy when they find our their partner is cheating, and it often takes the form of the kind of crazy that has the potential to impact other partners, jobs, families, etc. The betrayed partner will often lash out at those who participated in the betrayal (I am not saying that's wrong or right, just that it's common). I would be uncomfortable with my partner risking drawing me into that drama, as well as being unethical.

 

[Moonglow]

I too struggle with this. I have had chances with relationships where I was asked to fool around or something, friends of mine (just because I can, I find it interesting that somehow because I have permission it makes it right on my end.) I politely decline. I talk to someone now who has had a past successful poly relationship and thinks about it all the time. He is now in a less than ideal marriage and says he can't possibly even broach the poly subject. So guess what... I am a sympathetic ear? I find myself wanting to be in the "friend" zone more than I like. I think it will be worth it to stick to my guns in the end.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

I mean this kindly, ok?

But this all sounds like Crazy Town to me.

Now, P has fallen in love with another women, who is about the same age as he is. She is living with her boyfriend, at his home, and her mother lives there, too. She is from another country that has very strict moral standards, and she is plagued with guilt, and will not talk to me, or even allow email or texts from me. She is afraid I will tell her boyfriend about her relationship with P and get thown out of the house, She doesn't have a job and depends on the boyfriend, and her mother lives there, too.

She is foolish or desperate to be cheating on her BF when doing so at this time could leave her and her mom homeless and destitute. She doesn't sound like a healthy person much less a healthy poly dating partner.

Your husband's willingness to take up with such a person?

• Seems MEAN even if she is willing to go there -- when taking up with him could mean her being homeless.
  
• Seem CARELESS. He also puts himself and you at risk. All you guys need is a nutter BF with a gun coming after you and not just his cheating GF. Sheesh!

Maybe that's why she's willing. Is he a Scary BF dude and she's looking to your hubby to be the escape/protect her from him? And she didn't know he came with wife in tow? Out of the frying pan into the fire?

Something is weird there.

P has continuously discussed with her that is it is unacceptable for him to be in a relationship with her, if she insists on not talking, or making any contact with me, Even wishing her happy birthday is out.

Seriously? HE chooses to participate in a cheating affair with a woman in a wonky living situation. Now he's telling her how unacceptable she's being to him? Because she's worried doing chatty with you will increase odds of discovery and homelessness for her rather than her putting all her focus on his stuff?

So they continued to argue about this for at least another month, and then a week ago, P told her that it was over.

• He does not end it because it is a cheating affair and not a good thing for him to do.
• He does not end it because the woman is unhealthy and not a good partner for him to pick.
• He does not end it because being discovered could leave her/her mom homeless.
• He does not end it because it puts him and you at risk if she has Scary BF with a gun and he's a nutter.
• He ends it because she won't do what he wants when he wants?

She's got problems... but your spouse sounds creepy there.

How do you know all this conversation between them? Because P tells you? Well, he could lie to you just like he lied to those other people. Have you considered this?

I feel this is not really the way I want poly relationships to go, with secrecy, lack of communication and with people who don't understand poly.

Yup. Cannot agree more.

How does you partcipating in (cheating things/unethical poly things) with a husband who (keeps secrets, does not communicate/leaves things out, does not understand ethical polyamory, goes after wonky people) help you get closer to practicing poly the way you want it to go?

My husband says he must find the "truth" about himself and living a poly life,

What "truth" is he seeking that living an unethical "poly" life solve? Being able to behave poorly (ex: no informed consent, cheating affairs) and call it "poly" to whitewash it in his brain so he can keep thinking he's a "nice guy?"

I could be wrong but these are behaviors I see:

• He woos you, marries you, agrees to poly. But does not poly ethically. He actually goes making various messes and not learning from mistakes for 4 years of Crazy Town.
• He hooks up with exGF without telling her that he's engaged to you/practicing poly. So he makes it so she cannot give full informed consent. Discards her.
• He hooks up with coworker who wants picket fences -- even though dating coworker could screw up HIS job. She's not happy about you being wife in the picture and wants you gone. Well, did he inform her first? Or was this another case of him making it so she could not give full informed consent before going there? He discards her.
  
• He hooks up with lady with a BF. What did he promise HER? To dump you so she could be with him rather than the scary BF? She won't do what he wants. He discards her.

Why's he picking this behavior? He's thrill seeking? Likes the rush of it? A user? Something else? His way of going sounds wonky to me.

So I agree with you. It's NOT something I would want to participate in. I am also concerned for your well being -- like has he lied about condom and safer sex practices? Have you been tested for STDs?

I'm very sorry you deal in this. But only you can decide what you want to do next even if thinking about it is hard.

If he doesn't want to change his way of going and you are tired of it and resentful he chooses these bad behaviors and you choose to stay there?

Then maybe you don't want to stay any more? This is not 4 weeks in, but 4 years in. I think it's safe to say he's unlikely to change his way of going. Some people enjoy chaos manufacture.

You have options.

You could determine if you are near, at or past your limit of tolerance.

You could move AWAY from the crazy and stop struggling.

You could spend some time healing.

You could move TOWARD practicing your next relationship (mono or poly) in the ethical way YOU prefer with like minded people when ready.

You could do something else.

Have you thought about seeing a counselor to help you sort all this stuff and examine all your choices and help you make a plan?

Galagirl