Bee's Story and Ramblings

[MissHBee]

I talk about my relationships to others in my life, but I am at heart a private person and I'm reluctant to share too many details with people in real life, especially of conflicts but also of happy moments too. I think it would be good for me to have a space where I can write down the little moments and also puzzle over my feelings about things — I do this in my journal and with my therapist already, but I don't like to feel like those spaces are consumed by relationship stuff when there are other important things I need to cover as well!

I've been with my two partners/in our triad for almost a year — I call them Cicada and Acorn. They also have a daughter, who I'll call Puffin. Sometimes I have other kink partners as well. I think I'll just start from now, rather than trying to recap everything, though I'm sure that some of the things I'll want to think and write about will reference past experiences.

I welcome anyone's thoughts, comments, and questions! I've been reading here a lot over the last few weeks, and it's helpful to hear about others' relationships or philosophies, as I don't know any poly people in real life.

 

[MissHBee]

This past weekend, Acorn went away on a work trip, so it was me, Cicada, and Puffin time from Thursday to Sunday. We had a great time, but what really stood out to me was that I ended the weekend feeling extra close to Puffin! Cicada and Acorn have been very careful to not put me in a babysitter or parent role with her, more of a "fun Auntie" kind of vibe. But this weekend, since Acorn was leaving, they asked if I would be willing to take her to preschool on Thursday morning so that Cicada could drop Acorn off at the airport. I was happy to accept and honestly I really loved it. Then Cicada and I spent a ton of time with her during the weekend and I stayed with her again for the airport pickup on Sunday night. She woke up during that time and cried a little and wanted to be cuddled back to sleep and I just melted.

Another thing I noticed is that sometimes when I spend extended time with just one of them, I get kind of "tunnel vision" and I just want to keep hanging out with that person. But then if I consciously make the effort to switch my focus, it feels really good. On Sunday night, I was feeling a little sad about Cicada and my weekend coming to an end. I think I was also anticipating that Acorn would be completely exhausted from the flight, but actually when they got home Cicada was the exhausted one and Acorn immediately wanted to talk and catch up and cuddle with me and so we went to bed together and I was so happy about it! I felt immediately more balanced and centered.

 

[MissHBee]

One thing I feel self-conscious about is that I know that the relationship structure that I'm in is viewed with a healthy amount of skepticism from what feels like all sides. And I get it! My best friend (who is an immigrant with relatively conservative values around relationships, coming from a culture where you only date to marry) is baffled by me choosing to invest my time in relationships where marriage isn't on the table and is very worried that Cicada and Acorn are taking advantage of me — that I'm their fun girlfriend for the moment and will eventually drop me and break my heart. She just doesn't understand what the endgame is here and to be fair, I don't have a clear picture yet either. It's just that she's the kind of person who needs to have a clear idea of where she's headed to feel comfortable and I never have been.

I've been hesitant to get involved in poly spaces, because I'm somewhat embarrassed of being a "unicorn" (maybe? Debatable?), of having stumbled into this situation rather than have deliberately chosen polyamory (kind of), and of being in a triad. I've been in the kink community for awhile, so I know the feeling of watching newbies show up all ready to make the same mistakes that all newbies make, but thinking they're different. I hate the idea that I might be that person, saying "well, my relationships are different," only to find that of course they're not at all. While I don't worry about having been "unicorn hunted" (I carefully read as much as I could find on the subject and was relieved to recognize that although my relationships did begin with threesome sex, my partners were not hunting for a third to add to their relationship and the common pitfalls of that dynamic were all carefully avoided), I do worry about the common wisdom that triads are more complicated than they're worth and therefore should probably be avoided. That makes intuitive sense to me, which makes me wonder if there are inevitable problems on the horizon that I just haven't seen coming yet.

I think that the best thing I can do is pay close attention to how I'm feeling, what feels good to me about the situation and what feels bad, what my gut instincts are, and just do my best to tend to each relationship that I'm a part of to the best of my abilities. At the moment, the good dramatically outweighs the bad. I will keep writing about it to make sure that that continues to be true.

 

[Magdlyn]

Would you like any gentle feedback on your blog, or would you rather just use it for your own writings, just to get things organized outside your head? This is a criticism-free zone: (as per our Guidelines):

The Life stories and blogs section is for sharing poly experiences in a safe place. No arguing, criticism, or uninvited advice-giving is permitted in these threads.

 

[MissHBee]

I would love gentle feedback.

 

[Magdlyn]

I would love gentle feedback.

Oh, I'm sorry. I must have skimmed the end of your first post and missed where you already said this. Doh!

I understand how you're wary of your participation in a triad. And you also know how often these things go bad.

I was wondering how you met this couple, like, if you met and dated one first, and then met the other and another attraction developed. But I see it started with threeway (maybe casual) sex. Then each of them started feeling fond of you, and vice versa, and here you are.

Since you're active in the kink community, is that how you all met, at a kink event? Is there a kink, D/s, power exchange dynamic involved in any of your dyads?

I hear that you're looking out for red flags, and weighing pros and cons of this risky triad dynamic. Maybe you'd want to sit down and write out an actual pro list and con list, so you can see it all in black and white. You can add to these lists as time goes on. That might help you evaluate where you stand and how your feelings change.

I know in your other threads you said something about this couple not being sexually intimate with each other except when you're around; and how one of them gets FOMO when you're with the other partner. Those sound like cons.

It's good in this case that you don't have an "agenda," but are willing to see where things naturally lead. Enjoy the moments, but try to stay a bit wary. It can be easy to ignore/push aside red flags when your sex/bonding hormones are flowing. This can happen in any dyad, of course, not just in a triad situation.

 

[MissHBee]

Yes, I am hoping that by reading about how other triads struggle or fail or change, I'll be able to see mine a bit more clearly and head off some problems before they really appear. I think the main thing that makes me feel better is that there's not the same pressure in mine as I see in lots of others of "we must all be together all the time, we must always be a triad, we must all feel exactly the same way about each other." I am not overly attached to the idea that we must be a triad forever and ever, but I do hope that any changes can happen smoothly and with affection.

But I see it started with threeway (maybe casual) sex. Then each of them started feeling fond of you, and vice versa, and here you are.

Since you're active in the kink community, is that how you all met, at a kink event? Is there a kink, D/s, power exchange dynamic involved in any of your dyads?

Yes, this is exactly right! Actually it started with threeway play, no sex, and then sex negotiated in later as things went so well. Cicada and Acorn have a kind of daddy/brat dynamic, Cicada and I have a pretty intense switch dynamic, and Acorn and I have a playful switch dynamic or often kink play with no strong power exchange. I've been thinking lately that part of the recent threesome struggle may be because as our dyads have developed in this way, it's become harder and harder to combine their emotional tones/natural levels of intensity.

I like the idea of writing out a pro/con list! So far I've just been trying to pay attention to the ratio of feeling happy and comfortable to feeling anxious, in a general sense, but I think being a little more specific would be helpful.

I know in your other threads you said something about this couple not being sexually intimate with each other except when you're around; and how one of them gets FOMO when you're with the other partner. Those sound like cons.

It doesn't necessarily bother me if they aren't having sex with each other, as long as they're not distressed about it. It does bother me to have to encounter their "off" sexual energy in the context of a threesome and I don't see how they'd be able to improve their sexual dynamic in a threesome without working on it as a dyad (and they don't seem to be interested in or comfortable with doing that). When we do just kink play altogether or, frankly, if we have threesome sex with me "in the middle," or other variations that kind of keep Cicada and Acorn apart, I think it goes great. I've mentioned this concern to both of them, but not in a super direct way, as I'm hesitant to poke my nose in too much, and I don't want to make them feel more sexually self-conscious, as I don't tend to think that helps very much.

Acorn is usually full of happiness and encouragement for Cicada and I being together, so I've been trying to work out what the FOMO, when it does pop up, is about. We've been having some productive conversations about it since I posted, though!

I'd say my biggest cons are 1. being involved with two people means being exposed to conflict and complications that are outside of my control but that I am quite sensitive to, 2. although I'm really happy with my life currently, I suspect that in the future I will want a nesting partner and children, and it's hard to see if this will fit into that, and 3. I sometimes struggle with me and my partners not being fully "out" about this situation and the limits that places on our relationship.

It can be easy to ignore/push aside red flags when your sex/bonding hormones are flowing.

This is so true and it's something that I have a history of, so I'm super conscious of it. I have made a lot of progress in the last few years, though, and I'm hoping that writing about it will help me stay grounded!

 

[MissHBee]

Privacy vs. Secrecy

My partners and I are not "out," really. When we first met and played together, I told my two closest friends — the kind of friends who I would tell everything to. A couple months later, I told another few friends, because I was spending every weekend at Cicada and Acorn's house, basically, and that wasn't going unnoticed. Since then, I haven't told anyone, no family. Similarly, Acorn and Cicada have some local kink friends who know. I know Acorn told a close friend or two. As far as I know, Cicada hasn't told anyone. No family.

When we go out altogether (the four of us, Puffin included), I will often hold hands with Puffin, who will often want to hold another adult's hand as well. But there's not much other PDA among anyone. I do wonder what assumptions people make when they see us altogether. For example, we go nearly every weekend to the same sushi restaurant, usually altogether, but sometimes in varying combinations. Do they think that I'm a family friend or an aunt, maybe?

I go out with just Cicada, or just Cicada and Puffin, or just Acorn, or just Acorn and Puffin often, too. When Cicada and I are together, people assume we're a couple, and when we're with Puffin, assume we're a family. When Acorn and I are together, with or without Puffin, people assume that we're close friends. In fact, we've been asked more than once by people if we're sisters, which I find surprising, because we don't look a thing alike. They must pick up on the closeness, but not know what to make of it? Sometimes the people who ask know Acorn is married, so that makes sense. But recently I took her to urgent care, and she wanted me to come back with her to see the doctor, and the nurse asked if we were sisters. Sometimes when we're all out in public, I worry that Cicada, Puffin, and I look like the family (especially if it's the three of us holding hands), with Acorn looking like the friend, because of our respective hair colors, and I hope that doesn't make Acorn feel bad.

I have mixed feelings about all of this. On the one hand, I am a very private person about my dating life in general. It often takes me a long time to mention a new partner to my family or even to many of my friends. I do not post about my relationships on social media. I get anxious about introducing people to my partners or meetings my partner's parents or friends. I was once in a long-term relationship with someone who could not tell his parents (who expected him only to date a woman from his own culture) about me, and that didn't bother me at all.

So the secrecy is not really unusual for me. At this stage, I don't want more visibility than I have. But I don't like lying, and there have been things that come up that make me feel like a secret girlfriend in an uncomfortable way. A couple months ago, Cicada's mom came to visit and he invited me for dinner with them on a Friday night, a night I would usually be with them anyway. He said I could stay over like I usually did, and he'd explain it by saying it was late and a long drive, or that we were planning on doing an activity altogether the next day, so it made more sense that I stay, or something. I was like "nope!" I thought about it and decided that while I don't need either of them to tell anyone, especially family, that we're in a relationship (and I'm certainly not ready to tell my parents yet), I don't want the closeness of our friendship downplayed. Cicada took that point really well, and a few weeks later he added some pictures of me with Puffin and me with Acorn into the photo collage they have on their wall. Now when I'm over, and he calls his mom while he's making Sunday dinner, he'll mention that I'm there.

Lately, Cicada has been offering to come with me to my own activities. I let him come as my "plus one" to dance practice and it was really lovely to have him there. That wasn't intimidating because, although I have friends there, they are dance friends only and separate from the rest of my life. But this weekend I have plans to go see a performance that a close friend of mine (who knows about Cicada and Acorn, but hasn't met them) is in. I'll be with Cicada for most that day at my apartment. He offered to come with me to the performance too, but I'll be sitting with my friend's fiance and her (rather nosy) mom and I just couldn't imagine it. I also wasn't exactly sure what Cicada wanted — to be brought as "just" a friend, to be introduced to everyone as my boyfriend, to be introduced as part of the triad? I told him, not this weekend, but that we would talk about it more. He said that he likes going to things with me and would like to go to more.

 

[MissHBee]

I spent Friday and Saturday with Cicada at my apartment, and Sunday at the house with all of them, though I spent most of the day with Acorn. It was an intense weekend for me — Cicada and I were participating in a group bike ride together, which was a big goal of mine, and I was so thrilled to do it and to have him there. It was intensely bonding.

I went out by myself Saturday night to see a friend's performance despite being exhausted from the events of the day, stayed out late, and then crashed hard at the house that night. On Sunday, everyone was feeling rough — Cicada, Acorn, and Puff with a head cold of some sort, and me with period cramps and a UTI. So we all lay in, had a fire, watched movies, etc. (Well, the grownups did, Puffin was not the slightest bit deterred by having a cold and mostly ran around begging us boring sick adults to play various high energy games with her). I felt cozy and loved and taken care of.

On Sunday morning, Acorn and I talked about a heart to heart that she and Cicada had recently. It's shaken me up a bit. The long and short of it is that Acorn's health is unpredictable and she is often unwell enough that she just wants to/needs to stay in bed. Cicada tries to be supportive of this, but struggles with the burden of managing the house and Puffin and work while Acorn is out of commission so often. This I knew already, I could hardly miss it given how much time I spend with them. Acorn has been wanting Cicada to be more playful and affectionate with her, and also more emotionally supportive, and I guess in this conversation, Cicada explained that he doesn't have that energy for her right now, because he's been feeling burnt out and resentful. Acorn is going to try hard to figure out her health issues and contribute more, but I can tell she feels bad. I really feel for each of them in this conflict, as it's not Acorn's fault that she's not healthier, but I also see how much Cicada carries in order to deal with it and how that makes it hard for him to be fun and light with her. I can see how they both feel rejected and unwanted and overburdened by each other in different ways.

I'm worried that my presence in their lives complicates this conflict. Cicada has all the energy and attention and affection in the world for me — is it hard for Acorn to see the easiness of our relationship when their relationship isn't easy and free in that way? She has not pushed me away at all, in fact, we spent a ton of time together, she's been very affectionate, and she was open about her feelings. But I feel guilty to be getting what she wants. But other times, not so guilty, because she expresses to me often how she thinks that she and Cicada are not particularly well suited for each other and that she really wants her own freedom and space. It is a tough place for me to be in, I can't tell if I am helping or hurting this situation.

 

[MissHBee]

Good weekend with some rocky bits and a positive end.

I drove up on Friday afternoon to beat the traffic, but I still had a lot of work to do and was kind of stressed about it. So once I got there, I just hunkered down in the office for the rest of the afternoon and focused, while Cicada worked and then made pizza, and Acorn watched Puffin. When I emerged from the office, Puff was having an absolute meltdown over some sort of pizza disagreement, and in the commotion, Acorn made a pointed comment/"joke" to me, something along the lines of A: I am the worst person in the world according to Puff; Me: Aw, I think you have some good qualities *kiss*; A: I guess not that many good qualities or I would get whisked away to the den like Cicada does.

The whisking in question is a reference to sex. I felt pretty hurt and defensive and guilty and frustrated about this. I gave a short, noncommittal kind of response and then kind of mentally floated away while I helped with dinner and we ate. It's true that Cicada and I have way more sex than Acorn and I do, and I know that Acorn has been feeling left out lately. My defensive side wanted to say that I'm not the "whisk-er" with Cicada either, and if Acorn wants more sex with me she could do what he does and initiate in a nice way, rather than making passive aggressive jokes. My compassionate side recognizes that Acorn is feeling unsteady lately and wants to be wanted and is picking up on a real thing, which is that I want to have sex more often with Cicada than with her, which usually works out perfectly because her libido is much lower than Cicada's, but is a bit difficult for me to navigate in this situation.

After dinner, Cicada and Acorn put Puff to bed. Then Cicada came and cuddled with me on the couch while Acorn cuddled Puff to sleep. Cicada hinted that we should go and have sex like we normally would. I resolutely ignored his hints until I finally whispered to him that I thought Acorn would like to be invited. He said he was pretty sure she would want to go to bed early like she usually does. I said that I doubted it due to the comment she made to me in the kitchen. He was like, "What comment?" even though he had been there too. I repeated it, and he made a face and said, "Well, maybe that's because she goes to bed so early. " I said "Still!" and he agreed. So we waited for Acorn. When she came out, she made it very clear that she wanted to be involved, and I gave Cicada an "I told you so" look.

The problem here is that I've been thinking for weeks that I really want to not have threeway play/sex with them right now, and here I had set up exactly the thing I didn't want in order to try to make Acorn feel better. And it didn't go terribly, except that I threw everything I had into being the sex mediator/manager and carefully navigating us around every bit of tension or potential awkwardness, while also pretending like I wasn't doing that, which sucked for me, obviously. I regret doing that. I know that it's not my job, and it's harmful in the long run for me to try to manage things like that, but I couldn't seem to help it.

The next day, Cicada had to wake up ridiculously early and spend all day away for a work thing. Acorn and Puffin and I drove to a local farm and went apple picking and did the hay bale maze (Puff was thrilled, it was so cute), and went for a hayride (highlight of the day, according to Puff), and ate delicious apple fritters and just generally had an absolutely delightful and wonderful day together that made me feel amazing. We were super cutesy and affectionate, I felt really loved and included, and it was so sweet to get to be a part of Puffin experiencing new things and enjoying them so much.

The next day, everyone was out of sorts. Puffin was in an unusually bad mood, being very demanding and bursting into tears whenever she was told no. Everyone else was tired and grumpy, Acorn wasn't feeling well, Cicada was presumably exhausted from waking up at 3:30 and being out of the house for 16 hours, and I was... I guess probably overstimulated by Puffin and emotionally drained by the other events of the weekend and having a hard time handling everyone else's grumpiness and trying desperately not to take any of it personally. In fact, everyone was being nice to me (except Puffin, who demanded that I run around in circles while she drew in a notebook and watched me, and cried when I said no thank you.)

Acorn and I spent most of the morning together by the fireplace and then she made me lunch. Cicada and I had started the morning being flirty with each other and planning to have sex later, but I ended up telling him no, that I just couldn't do it, which I don't think I've ever done before. He held me and reassured me, said that it's probably good for us to have days where we enjoy each other's company without sex and that he was so happy that I could communicate how I was feeling.

I think that I probably was feeling the effects of playing on Friday night, plus the general out-of-sorts-ness, plus being hyperaware of Acorn and being afraid that having sex without her would make her feel bad this weekend. Cicada said that if there was anything I wanted to talk about, he would love to hear it, but I didn't have all my thoughts together at the time. I think I'll tell him about feeling guilty when I see him next, and I think I should probably talk to Acorn too about what her needs/boundaries are, and if they're changing, but I'm a bit intimidated by that prospect.

Eventually, Acorn invited me to watch Cruella with her and we cuddled up and did. She mentioned that she was feeling grumpy, but it was because of being sick and because of Puffin's mood, which made me feel a lot better. And then Cicada came in and had a bit of a snuggle and said he was feeling out of sorts too, but that he was going to cook us all curry salmon and he thought that would make him feel better. He did, and it was delicious, and he did seem to be in a much better mood from then on.

And then it turned out that he had secretly made an apple cranberry crisp with some of the apples we had brought back and he surprised us with it after dinner! Acorn and I went to finish our movie while the crisp cooled and then Cicada brought it to us in bed in little mugs and we ate it while watching with Puffin between us. Then Acorn and Puffin both went to bed and Cicada and I watched some of the Expanse, which we're well into at this point. At that point, I was feeling a lot better and Cicada and I did some very bonding, cathartic kink play and then had sex and went to bed together.

In the morning, Acorn and Puffin and I peeled a bunch of apples before I had to leave (they have one of those old fashioned peelers that you turn the handle to spin the apple, it was very fun) and everyone was in a great mood and eager to see me again next week.

Hoping that talking about this in therapy a bit this week will help me figure out where I should be acting and where I should be backing off and practicing letting other people have their own emotions.

 

[Magdlyn]

If you don't want to do threeway sex, because things are tense between Acorn and Cicada sexually, is there any reason you can't just have sex with each one-on-one, and assume they'll have one-on-one sex with each other too, either when you're there (maybe watching Puff), or during the week when you're not there?

If Acorn is really the only one that wants threeway sex, you and/or Cicada don't have to do that if you (plural or singular) don't like it.

 

[MissHBee]

If you don't want to do threeway sex, because things are tense between Acorn and Cicada sexually, is there any reason you can't just have sex with each one-on-one, and assume they'll have one-on-one sex with each other too, either when you're there (maybe watching Puff), or during the week when you're not there?

If Acorn is really the only one that wants threeway sex, you and/or Cicada don't have to do that if you (plural or singular) don't like it.

There's really no reason at all — for most of this year, that's really what we did most of the time seemingly by everyone's preference (obviously we started out with threesome sex that I really enjoyed, but even the first few times I saw them, we did both threesome play and one on one play). Something shifted recently and Acorn started asking to join in/asking for us all to play together much more frequently. She says that she's just been more horny lately, and maybe that's true, but I think there's something going on besides that.

I know I'm overthinking it, that I should say I don't want to do it regardless of what Acorn's reasons are. I just don't want anyone to feel rejected and I don't really want to call attention to Cicada and Acorn's sexual dynamic, because they seem to kind of be in denial about it. But obviously the current situation is not sustainable at all! Feeling anxious enough about it on Sunday that I didn't want to have sex with Cicada really made me realize that I have to do something or I'll end up having no sex.

 

[Magdlyn]

Yeah, I really wouldn't like feeling like a "bridge" between two people who are having trouble addressing their emotional/sexual issues.

You could ask to set a time to talk about this, maybe after the kid is asleep. Tell them you used to enjoy threesome sex with them, but aren't anymore, because it seems "too complicated."

Acorn can be "horny" or whatever, and Cicada can desire her or not. Those aren't your problems. Each person needs to deal with their own problems. Acorn has hers. Cicada has his. You have yours.

The threesome sex question is an "all of you" problem. You deal with it by telling them you no longer want to do that. You only want one-on-one sex. Set a clear boundary. If they start to question you, don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). Just politely, clearly, firmly restate your boundary and leave the room. They can continue to discuss their issues with each other in private.

If they come after you, leave the house, go home. If they try and text you during the week, politely refuse to answer. Maybe take a weekend off from seeing them while they stew and fuss at each other. Give it time. See what happens...

That's my suggestion. Come here and vent if you're nervous.

 

[MissHBee]

That is so validating and helpful, Magdlyn! Thank you.

It really intimidates me to raise issues with people in general and I feel especially intimidated by doing it with both Cicada and Acorn at the same time. With Cicada, I am starting to feel really comfortable sharing what's on my mind, because he absolutely always reacts in a solid and comforting and reassuring way and goes out of his way to say that he is glad that I shared and it makes him feel closer to me. But with Acorn, I really fall into a typical pattern I have of smoothing things over and presenting myself as an always happy, always easygoing person who can adapt to absolutely anything you need. I'm not entirely sure why I feel that way, though I have some theories. All this, plus my perception of their communication difficulties, plus the inherent complications that come from interacting with more than one person at once, make it hard for me to imagine how the conversation will go.

I guess my worries are that either or both of them will be surprised, hurt, self-conscious, embarrassed, etc, that bringing the subject up will lead to conflict between them that I will be exposed to, that the conversation will be awkward and disconnecting, that it'll make one on one sex with either or both of them weird, and/or that it'll bring non-sexual problems that I'm not aware of to the surface. But I am hopeful that they'll react well — I haven't really had to bring something exactly like this up before, but I did have to talk to them about an HPV infection that showed up in a pap smear earlier this year and they were both great in that conversation, so I hope this will be similar.

I drafted up a little text to send to our group chat requesting a conversation about it this weekend and I feel good about sending it. I decided to wait to send it until tomorrow morning, because it's Halloween and I know they're busy right now/tonight doing Halloween things with Puff.

 

[Magdlyn]

That is so validating and helpful, Magdlyn! Thank you.

Sure.

It really intimidates me to raise issues with people in general and I feel especially intimidated by doing it with both Cicada and Acorn at the same time.

Some of us are raised to never "cause people to feel bad," so we hide things behind a facade of "I'm fine," when we really aren't, causing issues that could be aired out and healed to simmer under the surface and cause infections. No one "deserves" to feel happy all the time at someone else's expense. That's not real life.

With Cicada, I am starting to feel really comfortable sharing what's on my mind, because he absolutely always reacts in a solid and comforting and reassuring way and goes out of his way to say that he is glad that I shared and it makes him feel closer to me.

Great! The closeness is a great result. You feel accepted. He knows where he stands, where you stand. This causes security to happen.

But with Acorn, I really fall into a typical pattern I have of smoothing things over and presenting myself as an always happy, always easygoing person who can adapt to absolutely anything you need. I'm not entirely sure why I feel that way, though I have some theories.

I guess she seems more volatile, vulnerable, passive aggressive, and you don't feel actually SAFE sharing your feelings with her. Her ego is weak and you feel it's your job to prop her up and placate her? I used to be that way with my ex-husband. He didn't accept me for who I was and would actually emotionally punish or even abuse me for having the feelings and thoughts I did.

Some people make the choice to be "people pleasers," at the expense of being their authentic selves. You can be nice without constantly putting your own needs, thoughts, feelings behind those of others. Polyamory requires honesty. It really can't work without it, especially in a triad, which is poly on "hard mode." You can share your feelings respectfully, using "I statements" and not calling names, swearing, accusing, etc.

My bf Aries is a people pleaser and he knows it. He knows he "tries to make himself small." And he is very protective of those he loves. For example, we were driving (he was driving me) recently in an unfamiliar area. There was a bit of traffic. The car ahead of him unexpectedly was slowing down in the left-turn-only lane. He tried to swerve around them to the next lane, but our car's blind spot didn't let him see that someone was coming up on the passenger side. He had to swerve back behind the turning car and slam on the brakes as the other guy flew by us. Let me tell you, my adrenaline went through the roof. After a few seconds I said, Are you okay? and he was all, Yeah, I'm good. Hours later, in bed, he confessed he was terrified but didn't want to scare me. What the heck? Anyone would've been scared. It didn't actually help me to hear him say he was fine after we were nearly in an accident, anyway. We could have bonded and comforted each other. Instead, he came across as cold and fake. It was distancing, not comforting to me.

All this, plus my perception of their communication difficulties, plus the inherent complications that come from interacting with more than one person at once, make it hard for me to imagine how the conversation will go.

I guess actually doing it will help you get to know them better, and then prepare you for future disagreements. Understanding how people handle conflicts is an important part of getting to know them. And if you explain this one-on-one, it might be easier on you. But then again, you can challenge yourself and talk to them both at once and see how it goes. It seems you have a feeling Cicada will have your back, anyway. If Acorn loses it, you will learn something about how much you can trust her. Just be honest with your feelings. People can't argue with your feelings.

I guess my worries are that either or both of them will be surprised, hurt, self-conscious, embarrassed, etc...

And they are allowed to have those negative feelings. Feelings are part of being human. We can't expect to shrink ourselves, twist into pretzels, cause ourselves pain, just to imagine we are preventing someone else from feeling pain. You're not doing it out of meanness or maliciousness. It's actually going to benefit the relationships.

Being "surprised" is okay. By being "hurt," I guess you mean one or both of them might feel rejected if you're not ready to play umpire in uncomfortable threeway sex, just for their (Acorn's) gratification. You're not a sex toaster. You don't have to provide sex like a toaster provides toast, at the push of a button. No one should ever have sex they really don't want to have.

Feeling "self-conscious or embarrassed" is not fun. YOU might feel self-conscious or embarrassed, for a time. But once you clear the air, you'll gradually feel calmer, more authentic, less fearful. This is growth. Likewise for them. Feelings come, feelings go, new ones take their place.

that bringing the subject up will lead to conflict between them that I will be exposed to...

And that's where you excuse yourself...

the conversation will be awkward and disconnecting...

Relationships can ebb and flow. I rarely have conflicts with Pixi, but if I do, I walk away if our conflicting opinions get heated. We "retreat to our corners." After a time (YMMV, could be a half an hour, could be a couple days) you come back together, with new insight, ready to apologize if necessary, and feel closer than ever, because you know each other better.

that it'll make one on one sex with either or both of them weird...

It sounds like sex is already weird for you... Why do you have to experience the weirdness, while they get to have fun, at your expense?

and/or that it'll bring non-sexual problems that I'm not aware of to the surface.

And that's okay. If it's a "you problem," you get to work on it. If it's a "them problem," you leave them to it. You're not the marriage counselor or moderator or facilitator. That's not your role. Don't put yourself in that role. Too many unicorns do this, and if they can't change, they often end up walking away, breaking up, because it's just not fun, or healthy, to do this.

But I am hopeful that they'll react well — I did have to talk to them about an HPV infection... and they were both great in that conversation, so I hope this will be similar.

Good.

I drafted up a little text to send to our group chat requesting a conversation about it this weekend and I feel good about sending it. I decided to wait to send it until tomorrow morning, because it's Halloween and I know they're busy right now/tonight doing Halloween things with Puff.

Okay. I look forward to hearing how it goes.

 

[MissHBee]

Great news — my conversation went well! I had a LOT of pre and post stress and anxiety about it, though.

So I sent my text to the group chat on Friday morning and Cicada wrote back right away to say of course we could talk. And Acorn said nothing. Which completely freaked me out — I spent the rest of the morning angsting about it and worrying and not getting any work done. But when I texted them again after lunch to say I was on the way, she responded back "Yay!" so I figured everything was okay?

When I got there, I let myself in and Acorn was in the kitchen making popcorn, so I went to hug her and she really clung onto me. When we pulled away, she was teary-eyed and I asked if she was okay, but before we could really get into it, Cicada and Puffin came in and it got too busy. Later, Cicada told me that he and her had had a conversation about sex between them and it had been "raw" but good, he thought. I told him I didn't want to have sex until we got a chance to have the talk with all three of us and he said that was totally okay and he figured as much.

That evening, Cicada and I waited upstairs in bed while Acorn was with Puff and when Acorn came in she asked what we were up to. I said I was hoping to have the conversation I mentioned and she said "what conversation?" I was like "from my text!" And she said she hadn't seen it! I am completely baffled by this, she said that she had seen that I had sent something but hadn't read it because the first word was "unrelatedly," and she meant to go back to it but forgot? But then she did send me a message in the same chat later? It was honestly very strange and it's hard for me to believe that she didn't read it, but it's also a weird thing to lie about, because she was immediately like "yes, we can talk now!"

So we talked! I explained how I had been feeling, I said that I had been noticing the disconnect and tension between the two of them when we play together and that it was stressing me out. They listened, then Cicada said that they had been talking about their sexual relationship and that they had come up with some ideas for how to work on it, though he didn't share the details and I didn't ask. It seems like part of their conversation had been about Acorn feeling left out and that they had been talking about how to involve her more in Cicada and my play, but when I said that I was having a hard time with the threeway play, they really quickly pivoted and agreed with my suggestion that we take a break from that for the rest of the year while they work on things by themselves. We also talked a bit about some specific issues with our threeway play, specifically around our kink dynamics and how they fit together.

Then I said that I wanted to have more explicit one on one time with each of them, but especially Acorn, because the way that the schedule has organically developed gives me and Cicada more alone time than me and Acorn. I suggested that we could make a plan for Acorn and me to spend a certain chunk of time alone together every weekend and that we could use that time either for sex or, if she's not feeling well enough or in the mood, for talking or just hanging out. She liked that idea and we talked a bit about how scheduling could work. We also talked about being more explicit with communication and planning — about in what circumstances we should let the third person know that the other two are planning to have sex and don't want to be disturbed and when it's not necessary to mention it. Acorn was very clear about what contexts have been making her feel a bit bad and which ones are totally fine, so that was really helpful to hear.

All in all, I was really happy with the outcome of this — the main things I wanted were to avoid the awkward threeway play, check, and set up a system so I wasn't anxiously worrying about what Acorn was feeling while I was having sex alone with Cicada, also check. I felt like both of them really listened to me and responded calmly and compassionately, which was really significant to me. No one seemed upset by the conversation, in fact, both of them mentioned it postively later and were sweet for the rest of the weekend.

Unfortunately, I still had some of my own emotional fallout from it. After we finished talking, Acorn went to bed and Cicada and I went downstairs. I was still feeling really wound up, even though I felt like the conversation had gone really well. Cicada held me and said we could just chill out and decompress for as long as I needed, and then he said that he knew that it was hard for me to communicate like that but that I was so good at it and I'm so articulate with my feelings and I just burst into tears.

I realized that a big part of my lingering anxiety and negative feelings were actually about a previous relationship which made me really doubt my communication skills, because my ex was so critical of me and talking about things like this was so difficult and emotionally fraught. If I had brought something up like this in my previous relationship, my ex would have accused me of trying to manipulate him by giving him an ultimatum (this happened whenever I tried to set any boundaries, either that or he would become very cold and take the entire activity off the table instead of just making the small change I requested) and it would have become an exhausting, days-long fight. I knew that Cicada and Acorn weren't going to react like that, but I guess these things are harder to shake than I would hope. And it wasn't really so much about worrying that Cicada and Acorn would react like my ex did, just that talking and having the conversation go so well made me feel like that time with my ex was such a waste and I felt so sad for my past self for believing that if I were just better at communicating, he wouldn't react like that. I told Cicada a little about that, but I really don't like talking about it, so I just explained a but about why I was crying and cried more and he held me and comforted me and that helped a lot. And then we had incredibly sweet, intimate, loving sex that did not make me feel anxious at all, so that was a really nice conclusion.

I thought I would feel good after that, but I felt really down for most of the next day. We all went hiking together, something that I love and I had suggested the trail, and while I did have fun I just felt sad. I found myself kind of fixating on something Acorn had said in the conversation, where she had referred to me as "the mistress" in something she said, and it was definitely meant as dramatic effect, but it hurt my feelings in this context. I wish I had said something in the moment, but this is something I always struggle with — my instinctive response when someone says like that is to laugh or smooth it over and I often don't realize how bothered I am by it until later.

I also kind of suspected that even though I obviously want Cicada and Acorn to be working on their relationship and their sex life, both because I love them and want them to be happy and because I don't enjoy being around tension and awkwardness and conflict, that I also felt kind of threatened by it and that was contributing to my down mood. Like what if they fix their sex life and then they don't need me anymore? What if them getting closer means that we get less close? I recognize that this is silly and there is no evidence for it whatsoever, but it was part of my reaction, so I am diligently recording it.

I took a long nap on Saturday afternoon and spent some time with each of them alone and my bad feelings faded away by the evening. Cicada and I had sex before dinner on Saturday while Acorn and Puffin were watching a movie and he let Acorn know that we would be upstairs and made sure to tell me that he was going to tell her, which made me feel a lot better. After we were done, I went down and joined Acorn and Puff and Acorn gave me a kiss and asked how I was doing and we all cuddled up and enjoyed the movie, so that made me feel really good.

Sunday was super easy and smooth — Acorn and I made banana bread in the morning, then Acorn and Puffin went to church and Cicada and I had lots of sexy time to ourselves in the morning and a chance to watch the last episode in season 2 of the Expanse. After they came back, Acorn took a nap and I did some work and then went up to cuddle with her. We all made apple crisp together and then Puffin and I played while Cicada made dinner and Acorn watched her show. After dinner we all piled on the bed and Puff fell asleep in my arms while we chatted and were on and off on our phones doing our own things. It was cozy and lovely and I felt really happy.

 

[MissHBee]

I guess she seems more volatile, vulnerable, passive aggressive, and you don't feel actually SAFE sharing your feelings with her. Her ego is weak and you feel it's your job to prop her up and placate her?

I've been thinking about this a lot. I do think I see her as vulnerable and I feel the need to prop her up. I'm afraid of her (and most people, to be fair) being unhappy or angry with me. And although I wouldn't use the word "volatile," exactly, Acorn has a quality that I'm often drawn to in my romantic partners, which is that she really wears her heart on her sleeve. I am an introverted, somewhat shy person, and most of my past partners have been more outgoing, enthusiastic, expressive people — I think I like having a partner whose good mood lifts me up. But the flip side, I've realized, is that these people are often also expressively unhappy as much as they are expressively happy, and their bad moods drag me down. Acorn is definitely like this — when she's in a good mood, she is contagiously happy and I love it, when she's in a bad mood, I know it and it brings me down too. So it really makes sense that that contributes to my hesitation to bring stuff up to her. I know she doesn't mean it to be a deterrent, but it still is for me.

Acorn is also unhappy in a lot of ways — not with me, but it seems like she is often unhappy with work, with her relationship with Cicada, with her social life, and with her health, which is a really big one. So I feel this desire/pressure to be an "easy" thing for her, not an extra stress. I know that this plays right into my inner demons, which say that I must always be accommodating and easygoing and positive and happy, otherwise I'm a burden to other people. I am working on this in therapy, though! And I like your story about Aries and how you would not have experienced his fear as a burden, but rather as something you could bond over. I feel like I am slowly learning this in my own life and about how being authentic feels good in itself and allows me to be close to the people I want to be close to.

I am a little frustrated by the passive aggressiveness. I'm hoping it goes away the more we can have positive, direct conversations. I feel like it's a habit from the way Cicada and Acorn sometimes communicate with each other that's bleeding over onto me and I guess I'm kind of rewarding it because I respond and try to fix it.

 

[Magdlyn]

Good for you for doing the hard thing! I totally understand your mixed emotions after talking over some tough things. But you really cleared the air with some issues you were very concerned about. So, yay!

Keep having the talks when necessary. Eventually, I believe, if you're all as open as possible (and even if Acorn is highly emotional and sometimes PA), your relationship with each will find its own level.

Sometimes new relationships go like this: first year-- forming, second year-- storming, third year-- norming. You're just past the one year mark, you've established certain routines and expectations, you have built some habits. You've dealt with the NRE. Now it's time to fine tune things. You're all still getting to know each other.

Next, I am wondering about the sex aspect with Acorn going forward, now that you're taking a break on the threeway stuff for at least a couple of months. It seems Cicada is more attracted to you, and vice versa, than Acorn is to you and you are to Acorn. I am wondering if things will go more platonic/romantic with Acorn, and less directly sexual, over time. Is she more hetero than lesbian? Are you?

 

[MissHBee]

Yay indeed! I think that having one successful group talk like this will make it easier to have the next one, whenever and on whatever subject that might be.

Sometimes new relationships go like this: first year-- forming, second year-- storming, third year-- norming.

I like this a lot and I can see how it fits this experience. We talked a bit about the idea that we've developed habits over the last year that we may or may not want to keep. When we were all getting into the car to go hiking on Satuday, Acorn mentioned that we could switch up our "assigned" seats in the car (I almost always sit in the back with Puffin) if I wanted and while that habit wasn't bothering me at all, I like that she thought of it.

Next, I am wondering about the sex aspect with Acorn going forward, now that you're taking a break on the threeway stuff for at least a couple of months. It seems Cicada is more attracted to you, and vice versa, than Acorn is to you and you are to Acorn. I am wondering if things will go more platonic/romantic with Acorn, and less directly sexual, over time. Is she more hetero than lesbian? Are you?

I'm trying to figure this out too, to be honest! Cicada and I have way more sex than any other pair. Acorn has told me that she considers herself "low libido for sex" but loves our mutual kink (and that she likes that I have PIV sex with Cicada because then she doesn't feel bad about not really enjoying it). But her health seems to get in the way of her energy for sex or kink a lot of the time even when she is theoretically in the mood. I always feel like she's attracted to me and we have lots of casual sexual touch and flirting, even though we don't often actually have sex.

My preference? I enjoy the touch and flirting with Acorn a lot, and the playful/cozy vibe of our sexual interactions, but I don't crave it like I do sex with Cicada (which is by far the best sex I've ever had in my life). My suspicion is that the threesomes worked (in the ways that they worked) because the energy between Cicada and I gets Acorn fired up, and I wish I could create the same kind of energy just between Acorn and me but I don't know how. Basically, I feel like it's more of an issue of kink dynamics and compatibility than straight up attraction.

 

[Magdlyn]

I can relate to this so much. My female partner Pixi has a low libido. I'd describe her as nearly asexual, or greysexual. She'd rather randomly think about sex than actually do it. And lately, when we do have sex, it's extremely basic and short-lived. Often, she doesn't even pleasure me. I just get her off once and she's done. I do enjoy this, even if it is one-sided. She likes to kiss me, make out a little bit. She loves long sensuous hugs, and she adores cuddling. So our relationship still feels physically intimate.

(From what I understand, she doesn't have much actual sex with her bf Malachi either, and they both seem okay with this. They used to do more kinky stuff earlier in their relationship, but that seems to have become pretty infrequent too.)

She definitely has health problems. Her arms are anomalous, and they cause her a lot of pain. She has ADHD. She also has (what I have determined to be) oral aversions and a hyper-active sense of smell. Often, fresh clean towels smell musty to her, where I can't make out that odor. And she eats very fast. She doesn't sensually enjoy chewing. So, she can't really digitally please me, nor is she into giving me oral sex. When we met 15 years ago, her arms used to be less painful, so she could use them for sex or kinky activities, which was great. But that's kind of out now. She's not motivated to wear a strap-on to penetrate me either. Edited to add, she's also on an antidepressant for anxiety, of a kind that is known to suppress libido. Maybe if she weren't on this medication, the other aspects wouldn't hold her back as much. Maybe the happy hormones of being aroused would anesthetize her pain.

Yeah, it's a sad situation. However, I love her deeply and madly. She is romantic. She makes sure we have romantic dates and getaways. She is extremely emotionally supportive too. We have tons in common.

But thank god I am poly and could always date other women, or especially men (with strong libidos). This didn't completely help with me being frustrated, because I desired HER, but I learned to deal with it eventually. I finally found Aries three years ago, who has a very strong libido, good bedroom skills, and is also a very sweet and caring man. He may not be as emotionally supportive in certain ways... he's more likely to try to just comfort me than explore the nuances of what I am feeling, as Pixi does.

Anyway, that's how I do it, being in a V. Pixi and Aries are not emotionally involved, and we have a structure in between parallel and "garden party." So I don't have to navigate or observe them struggling with a sexual/romantic relationship.